


And In The End

by sephet



Series: The Kids Aren't Alright [5]
Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-26
Updated: 2016-08-31
Packaged: 2018-07-10 10:33:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 30
Words: 89,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6980779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sephet/pseuds/sephet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Final year of Charon begins for Locus and Felix. The real world looms ahead of them like a threat and a dream, but there's still one year left at this bullshit school to go.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Beginning of the End

Last year returning to school had felt like stepping out into the sun for the first time in ages. Possibly because it was. Save for going to the hospital once, after he’d been locked in his room he’d stayed in his room until it was time to get ready for school. This year was different. This year his breakfast sat like a rock in his stomach as he walked towards the front doors. It felt like giving up the sun all over again. 

That might have been because there were so few windows in Charon. 

He sat on his bunk, realising how hard and useless it was in comparison to the hotel. So much was awful compared to the hotel. 

At least they knew this room, they’d been roomed in the grade 12 dorms part of last year, this year they just got the same one all over again.

“We almost could’ve just left our uniforms here.” Felix tried to grin, Locus was already starting to unpack. Felix should probably start too, but his legs felt like lead. Everything felt weak and heavy and he knew this wasn’t really having an attack, not a real one. Sometimes he just got little pieces of an attack instead of the full thing. He didn’t quite know what that meant except that it was probably going to last longer than if he’d had a full blown issue.

“It would have taken up less space in our suitcases that way…” Locus finished sorting out his clothes into the right drawers and sections of the closet before finally turning back to Felix. “You’re pale.”

“I don’t like being back here.” Felix waved a hand dismissively and forced himself to get up and get moving, sitting around wasn’t helping and it would just make Locus worry. “We’ll make it though. It’s fine. I just. Ugh, right?”

“Ugh sums it up pretty well.” Locus shook his head and reached to ruffle Felix’s hair again. He’d gotten so fond of doing that since Felix had cut it.

“After this wanna go see if the others are back? I guess? We got the rest of the day to fuck around…” Felix didn’t put his clothes away as neatly. They’d been folded when he put them in the suitcase but he just kind of shoved them into shelves, trying to get it over with without thinking about it too much. 

“Sure, we can wander the school. Maybe they’ll have it posted who’s taking over for Hargrove?” Locus shrugged a little, then hovered his hand over Felix’s head with a thoughtful look.

“What?” Felix frowned and swatted at his hand.

“I think you’ve grown.” Locus smirked a little and Felix wrinkled his nose. 

“Well of course, I’m still young and spry. Growing’s what young men do after all.” Felix shook his head, but wondered if Locus was right. He’d been very short almost all his life, it would be nice to get a couple inches and join the average at least. Slightly below average. Something around that.

“I sincerely hope I’m finished growing. You can have all my future height potential.” Locus made a face, then held out his hand to measure Felix again. “You need it more.”

“Shut up, not everyone can be a weird giant teenager.” Felix rolled his eyes and poked Locus in the ribs. “I’m eating regularly now, you know… I probably just had like stunted growth or something. I could catch up.” 

“I would honestly, truly, not wish that on you. Growing a lot really fast sucks.” Locus made a face and shook his head. 

“Clumsy?” 

“Painful. My legs used to just ache into the night.” Locus made a face. “You’re probably past that though. Some men grow until early 20s though, so don’t give up.”

Felix laughed a little and pat Locus’ arm. “Poor giant zombie. I have a few years of growing left in me, maybe. Maybe if I’m lucky I won’t be eye level with your tits for the rest of my life.”

Locus scowled and covered his chest self-consciously with his hands. “We can always hope.”

\---

School… sucked. Everyone knew Felix’s story now. If they hadn’t seen the news clip before they’d seen it now, and everyone knew well enough to know it was him. Any secrecy about the events of Ross’ death were long gone, and the anniversary of the event was coming up. Thinking about it made Felix feel cold, but people were talking about it. 

People always seemed to be talking about it…or at least Felix always picked up on whenever someone was having a conversation about it. There was usually a few pointed glances in his direction when it came up. 

He wanted to throw a tantrum like a child. Maybe if he screamed and yelled and made a fuss people would treat him… not normal but less like some weirdly scandalous broken _thing_. He didn’t even feel like a person anymore. Maybe that’s what it was like to be one of those celebrities in a magazine. Entertainment instead of literally anything else.

“So how do you feel about the fact they’re planting a tree?” Kaylee didn’t look up from her meal and Felix didn’t catch that she was talking to him right away.

“What? Oh the like… fucking Ross tree? He’s getting a plaque too. In loving memory and all that. I’m guessing they’re probably not going to put ‘asterisks he was also a complete fuck up who tried to murder two other students.’” Felix rolled his eyes and stabbed his fork into a cherry tomato. “Maybe people will shut the fuck up about it then. It’s been a year. I understand like… his family’s not gonna get over it, but everyone else?”

“Well it’s fallen down the ranks in rumours a little. One chick in my History class is pregnant, and some dude in grade 11 broke his leg in a car accident. More rumours are popping up, more boring shit to talk about.” Kaylee shrugged a little.

“Maybe once the one year mark passes people’ll get bored. Anniversaries are always a little sensational.” Abbey offered gently. “Plus like Kaylee said people are getting more and more things to talk about. It’ll die down.”

Felix groaned and sank down in his chair. “Gross. Much as I like a good Harry Potter reference I’m getting kinda sick of being ‘the boy who lived’. All of this needs to fuck off.”

“So fuck it, it can be over to us?” Anthony shrugged. “What did you all do this summer? My parents took me camping for a while. Trying to get my brother an’ me to appreciate nature. I mostly just got eaten alive by bugs. Horse-flies are assholes.”

“Horse-flies?” Felix looked at him, painfully grateful for the shift. 

“Yeah they’re these big ass flies, but they bite. Like whole chunks, too. Look at the scar on my hand? I have those all over. I thought mosquitoes’d be the worst but no. Horse-flies.” Anthony shook his head.

“Damn, I’m glad my parents couldn’t make it, they were thinking of joining yours but my dad caught some case or something.” Abbey shrugged. “He wasn’t allowed to talk about it, so I dunno what it was, but I guess it saved me from fuckin’ horse-flies.”

“Gross.” Kaylee wrinkled her nose as she looked at Anthony’s hand. “We went camping too, but we just went to my parents’ cabin. Which I should see if we can do Christmas at again. That’s way better than Christmas at home.”

“Or Charon.” Felix snorted. “Man maybe camping in the summer ain’t all it’s cracked up to be.”

“I guess it’s probably fine if you don’t camp close enough to farmland that there’s monster bugs everywhere.” Anthony groaned and shook his head.

“If your parents would let us use the cabin again would be nice…” Locus said in a soft, thoughtful voice. “Last year was good.”

“Yeah! I know Christmas is like wishful thinking ages away but totally. Totally see if we can do it. We didn’t destroy anything when we were there last time.” Abbey pointed her fork at Kaylee.

“True. And anything beats ‘holding it together for the kids’ at Christmas.” Kaylee rolled her eyes. “I can probably get them to agree. My last year at high school and all that.” 

“Yay parents.” Felix said dryly and tapped his glass against Kaylee’s. “I’ll try not to burn anything this year.”

“I got my mom t’ show me how to cook some stuff this summer.” Abbey bounced up. “I can probably help more this year.”

“So it’s a plan. We manipulate your parents into letting us stay in your cabin again.” Anthony smirked a little at Kaylee.

“Agreed. Considering how the first week’s gone, we’ll need it by the time Christmas Break rolls around.” Kaylee sighed.

\---

“Looks like Charon’s bit the bullet and is adapting to the modern age.” Felix flopped down onto his bunk with a groan. “I’ve heard chatter that wifi is getting installed.”

“Wifi? Really?” Locus was surprised by that, turning away from his notes to look at Felix.

“Yeah, still probably censored to fuck with content control or whatever, but still. Real internet in our rooms. Think of all the studying you can do after lights-out.” Felix grinned brightly and threw one of his many collected pillows at Locus. 

“I’ll accept censored. Sometimes I need to research something after eight. Plus getting better with computers would be really useful.” Locus sighed and considered transferring his notes to his computer for the future. Though he thought he read somewhere that writing by hand helped memory a lot more.

“Nerd.” Felix laughed and squirmed into his nest of blankets and pillows, wriggling to get comfortable. “Maybe they’ll actually let people join social media. Maybe people will shut the fuck up about internal gossip if they can get on Facebook.”

“That… would be helpful. I think that’s the main thing so much of this has escalated like it has. No one has anything else to talk about.” Locus frowned and tapped his lip with his pen.

“Seriously this school is just _dying_ for some celebrity gossip. They won’t give a fuck about me or Sara or whoever the fuck crashed his dad’s car over summer break if they can talk about… whoever the fuck is famous right now?” Felix scowled thoughtfully and Locus shrugged, he didn’t really follow celebrity gossip either.

“Our school has a gossip problem… as well as a discipline problem.”

“I’ve been good!” Felix protested, as if on instinct.

“I know, you haven’t been fighting… but a lot of people have been picking back up where they left off.” Locus winced, he’d been late to English earlier because of a brawl clogging up the hallway. The one and only thing Hargrove seemed to have had a positive impact on had been the random fights.

Even if they had still happened, they’d been a lot better at being… hidden. Now though the halls were filled with teens breaking their knuckles on each other’s faces. It worried Locus that teachers might look at that and think that Hargrove’s way had been best. It had been the only thing he’d helped. He’d done a lot more damage than good.

“This is the school for fuckups. That’s what people here do, they fuck up.” Felix sighed. “We fuck up. I might not be fighting but I’m not exactly doing great.”

“You could do more homework.” Locus offered with a raised eyebrow.

“I’m doing homework. Most of it. Some. Whatever. So long as I pass the tests I’m fine. Homework’s a pain in the ass.” Felix huffed and pulled a blanket up to his chin. 

“We haven’t had any tests yet.” Locus pointed out.

“Yeah well. Usually I still pass tests, and I get what people are saying. I don’t need to stay up all night working on problems to get it.” Felix shook his head. 

Sometimes Locus really envied that about Felix. Felix didn’t get as good of grades as Locus did, but Felix didn’t try. If Felix put in the same kind of effort that Locus put in Felix would probably do even better than Locus could dream. Felix passed without trying, without studying or taking notes. He passed with sixties and seventies, but still passed. Without nearly any work at all. Locus got nineties but Locus rarely stopped working to get them. He wished he could breeze through school with so much ease and comfort. He didn’t think he was stupid, or anything like that. He just needed to work hard for everything he got. Felix…

Felix had enough to worry about, it seemed unfair to be jealous of Felix’s ease in school, but Locus tried so hard all the time, it would be nice to be able to take a nap as soon as classes let out and not worry about notes.

Locus watched as Felix curled up to doze and sighed as he thought of the word problems he still had to start work on. There was so much homework to dig into, it would be nice if he could just not worry about it and still pass his tests. But he needed to do the homework to understand the coursework. Usually the teachers were… a little garbage at explaining the subjects they were supposed to be learning. It was up to Locus to figure it out for himself.

If Felix tried even half as hard as Locus did he’d have no question of a future in most fields he might try for. Instead Felix had decided not to give a fuck… for all he tried to let it roll off his back, it bothered Locus. It bothered him both out of jealousy, and because it hurt to see Felix give up on himself so freely.

Sometimes it seemed like the only aspects of a future Felix saw were the parts that had to do with Locus. It was overwhelming, when Locus thought about how much Felix was counting on him to be his… everything. His future and his support system and his comfort. 

Locus liked being Felix’s boyfriend. Locus didn’t think he could be Felix’s everything.

\---

“If one more situation is described as mindful I’m killing something.” Felix groaned as he kicked his way back into his room. 

Locus frowned, apparently the first day of specialised therapy had been… less than encouraging. “Mindful?”

“Mm.” Felix grumbled and started pulling off his school uniform. “Be _mindful_ of your thoughts, _mindful_ of your feelings, _mindful_ of your physical reactions, _mindful_ of your surroundings.”

“Ah.”

“I mean I _get_ it. Find the trigger, dissect the trigger, blah blah blah. But it’s just so… like we gotta start each session with like fucking meditation and then it’s three hours of talking about feelings and why we have feelings and shit…” Felix pulled on his sweats and threw a binder on his desk. “I mean I’m gonna do it. Dr Grey seemed to think this was the best way to get my brain to stop exploding all over me but…”

It was a little remarkable that Felix was actually sitting at his desk to flip through the binder. The rare times he did homework or studying it was usually curled up in his bunk with paper scattered all over the bedding. It might have been why he was so casual about climbing into Locus’ bed every now and then, _his_ bed was covered in papers and other useless crap.

“So you _are_ taking it seriously…” 

“I _am_. I just. Ugh. It’s dumb. And there’s a group of people, I didn’t realise it was a group thing? But I guess that’s part of the process is talking with other people of varied experiences or something. Even if everyone’s like two decades older than me. It’s weird as fuck. And anyway I’m still a minor so if I let slip about any abuse they have to intervene, you know? So I gotta be careful what I say ‘cause they seem to be taking it seriously…” Felix sighed heavily and flipped through the pages in his binder. “I mean like they seem like decent people? But it’s weird. You know? Like adults who take the whole ‘signs of abuse’ or ‘possibilities of violence’ as important. Like can you imagine if someone like that worked here? Fucking Price just thinks the idea of infighting is too fucking interesting to put a stop to. I bet if I tried to talk about whatever for real it would just be like… you know talking to him it’s like you’re a character in a book? Like you’re filling in your backstory so he can understand better, but he just thinks the damage is interesting.”

“That… is a pretty good summary of Price. He seems more likely to want to study the damage than fix it. There are a few people like that in my psych classes. Where mental illnesses and insanity are just really interesting instead of like… an interest in going into the field, or helping or anything it’s just. Interesting to play with.” Locus tapped his pen against his lip as Felix found a page with a set of questions.

“Do you want to go into Psychology? Like Dr Grey or something? I know you’ve been taking it but I didn’t know you were super into it?” Felix raised an eyebrow and looked at Locus quizzically.

“I don’t think I’m cut out for it. I don’t connect to people very well. I think mostly I want to learn it so that I can understand myself better… and the way people work. I’ve never… Well I have trouble with people. I started taking Psychology hoping there were answers…” Locus shrugged a little. “I suppose I’m not much better. I find _people_ interesting. And I want to learn what I’m missing.”

“Missing?”

“I mean. Neither of us are altogether normal.”

“My pride makes me feel like I should protest that, but you’re right I’m kinda a freak…”

“Well. Maybe not that far, but we’re not… we don’t move through social groups like the rest of society tends to. I think that’s the reason you’re the first person I’ve ever really… connected with. We’re a little outside how society works.” Locus looked down at his hands as he fidgeted his fingers. “I was curious if there was an answer. How does normal society work? Why don’t I fit into it? Is there something wrong with me or is it just… different? And just in general how normal people are supposed to work? I wanted to learn more about it.”

“Well it’s probably really interesting? I didn’t… I mean I watched people and learned to fake it. Faking it kinda meant not getting fucked. But I get it. There are fields in that though, right? Anthro… um. What was that detective chick? On TV? She studied people? That was a job…” Felix pointed. “And she was bad with people. Maybe being bad at people makes you really good at studying people?”

Locus snorted. “So I should study people like some strange foreign species.”

“People are a foreign species. It’s totally reasonable. Look at Price, he got a job in psych shit and he is absolute garbage at being a human being.” Felix winked and started writing out an answer on his sheet. “Yay, time for the totally censored personal history.”

“Those probably work better if you’re honest.”

“If I’m honest then they have to intervene because my family is a clusterfuck of child endangerment. Censored is better. They were upfront about that shit. If they think I’m gonna hurt myself, hurt someone else, or I am a minor in danger or an abusive situation.” Felix shrugged. “I don’t think it matters if I’m not actually living with her anymore. It’s still close enough that if I’m honest they have to report it to social services or something.”

“Mm…” Locus frowned at that and watched Felix write for a moment.

“But you should totally look into people studies. If you like it. You’re probably perfect for it. You spend so much time paying attention to shit. And people are fucking everywhere, right? You’d never run out of information. I bet like fucking ad agencies pay out the ass to get information on how people work. You could totally make bank.” 

“Maybe. Maybe people studies is in the cards… I really need to work out things with a career counselor. I guess I’ll see if I get accepted to any of my schools.”

“At least most of them. You’re a genius, Locs. You got it in the bag.”

Locus made a noncommittal noise and turned back to his notes. He wasn’t a genius, he just worked hard. When it came to what colleges were looking for there was a big difference.

“You worry about it too much. Look around, nobody here works as hard as you do.”

“Here is not a good example. Here half the kids are lucky they don’t end up arrested. No one has any faith in anyone here.” Locus leaned back in his chair and looked up at the ceiling.

“I got faith in you. Go kick ass, zombie. You got it.” Felix punched him in the arm. 

“Well… if you say so. So long as you tell enough truth in your therapy sessions that they help you.”

“I’m talking about Ross. Ish. I’m putting Ross issues on the form for people to read in secret. I don’t really have much interest in talking about it to any of these forty year-old assholes. They can just think I’m a spoiled brat for all I care. I’ll do the therapy but I don’t have to tell any strangers anything personal. That shit’s mine.”

“Fair enough.”


	2. The Future Is Good Enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A series of chats and introspection

“This assembly is mandatory.” Locus didn’t know this teacher, he’d never had a class with him, he was pretty sure the man was new. If only because he’d yet to gain that jaded dead-eyed look the staff tended to get after a year or so at Charon.

“The Ross assembly?” Felix groaned from his bunk, half covered in blankets and note paper.

“A classmate of yours died, it’s extremely disrespectful to neglect this ceremony. You may not have known him but you should still be respectful.” The man crossed his arms and frowned as Felix and Locus made no effort to move.

“Yeah, no.” Felix shook his head and leaned back to curl deeper into his blankets. “You don’t know who we are, do you?”

“Am I supposed to find you impressive? Do you think you’re too important to show basic decency?”

“I think mostly we’re just too ‘almost murdered’ to care much.” Locus said dryly, not looking up from his paper. “You did here that part of the story, didn’t you?”

“He stabbed Locus here in the gut, we don’t really got a lot of respect for him, semi-recently deceased or not.” Felix waved from his bunk. “So we’re just gonna work on homework or something.”

Locus nodded grimly at the teacher who scowled at both of them. “Stabbed you.” He seemed skeptical. Though Locus supposed it could sound a little extreme to someone who didn’t know the whole story. That there was someone here who didn’t know the whole story was remarkable, though Hargrove _had_ done his very best to cover it up.

Locus sighed heavily and got out of his seat, it was a little embarrassing to pull up his shirt to show the scar, but it was better to make himself the focus than Felix. Felix got enough bullshit about Ross. Everyone conveniently forgot about Locus’ involvement. “Here. I was in surgery for a few hours. I don’t want to go to his assembly.”

The teacher pursed his lips but the scar was right there and pretty hard to fake. Locus let him look for a few seconds before pulling his shirt down and sitting back down at his desk. “Fine, what’s _your_ excuse? You can’t just refuse because your friend got hurt. It’s an important assembly.”

Felix groaned and seemed to think for a second before holding out his scarred hand. “So like he didn’t succeed in stabbing me, but he tried _really_ hard? So we both had to deal with attempted murder. Which was fucking shitty. I mean I didn’t need surgery, just stitches but he still tried to kill me so I’m not going to his plaque announcement or tree planting or whichever? I have earned my disrespect.” 

The teacher sighed and shook his head. “Fine. But I’m still going to have to write you both down as absent.”

“Whatever.” Felix snorted.

Locus was less okay with the absent, it rankled that he had to sit in a position of honouring Ross in some way or get an unexcused absence on his record. One year later and Ross was still causing them problems. Locus had settled himself into just blaming Ross for his grades last year, since his injury had boiled down to being Ross’ fault. So the fact that he might not get into college was also Ross’ fault. There were a lot of things going wrong in his life right now that were Ross’ fault. Locus couldn’t bring himself to really feel bad for blaming Ross. He’d sat through too many flashbacks with Felix, and his own nightmares to feel bad about blaming Ross. Ross had needed help, and part of Locus blamed Charon for being utterly useless in giving him that help, but Ross had made the decisions that he’d made. He’d acted with the full intent to end both Locus and Felix’s lives. And Locus couldn’t just forgive that. He couldn’t forgive Ross, he couldn’t forgive Hargrove, and he couldn’t forgive Charon for so many things that had gone so terribly wrong last year. And the fact it was taking so long to recover from it.

Sometimes it felt like nothing was ever going to be better… He was always going to have Charon hanging over him, ruining his chances, setting him up to fail, and putting him in danger. He was always going to have a delinquent school on his resume, no matter how hard he worked or how far he climbed people were always going to look down on him.

Sometimes it was too exhausting to bear. But he didn’t want to give up. And unlike everyone before him, Felix believed in Locus. He believed without a doubt that Locus could succeed. Locus wished he had that sort of faith, but it was comforting sometimes. Sometimes it was infuriating because Felix never seemed to _get_ how many things stood between Locus and success. Or maybe he did, and that’s why Felix had already given up. He had just as much standing in his way after all.

It would be a small miracle if they got to succeed, maybe Felix was right to set his goals somewhere in the realm of possible… but Locus didn’t want to give up yet. 

\---

“You _broke his hand_!” Abbey squeaked.

“I broke his _finger_.” Kaylee corrected bluntly.

“Which is a part of his hand! What the fuck Kaylee?” Abbey covered her face with her hands. 

“He had been told multiple times to stop. Pain seemed to be the only educator left.” Kaylee shook her head and leaned back on her chair to sip her drink.

“He was unhooking people’s bras.” Abbey sighed flatly.

“Without their permission. People had told him to stop. _I_ told him what would happen if he tried that shit with me.” 

Felix couldn’t help but grin as he watched them bicker. Kaylee had earned herself a shiny week of detentions. The results were turning out pretty entertaining.

“A broken finger.”

“Why should I just let him get away with it? Because he thinks it’s cute? No. You know full well how hard it is to get a bra back in place under this fucking uniform.”

“Actually I wear sports bras, so… not really…” Abbey shrugged sheepishly. “Underwires hurt, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. Unless it’s about freaking out about _Brian_ who should have fucking known better anyway. Besides it was only one finger, it’ll heal in no time. People break fingers all the time.” Kaylee flicked her hair and shook her head. 

“Especially around here?” Felix put in with a snort.

“ _Especially_ around here.” Kaylee nodded. “Not quite as often as the nose, but fingers are fragile things. Especially when you go around sticking them where they don’t belong.”

“Once you’re 18 that’s going to be assault…” Locus winced at the turn of the conversation. “Serious assault, not detention rough-housing.”

“When I’m 18 I won’t be _here_ anymore.” Kaylee rolled her eyes. “Well I will be for a month or so but… whatever. The point is Charon inspires violence. The real world has fewer fight clubs.”

“You’re still gonna get in the habit of breaking fingers and shit, and you’ll run into trouble…” Abbey sighed a little.

“But we won’t have to deal with shits like the ones who live _here_. People aren’t gonna be jumping out of the woodworks to beat the shit outta you in the real world so you don’t gotta worry about having your guard up.” Felix waved a hand. “The school’s the problem.”

“Is it really that dangerous for everyone?” Locus scowled and stabbed at his lunch with his fork. “I mean… are people really jumping out of nowhere for a fight?”

“Locus you got stabbed. What do you mean ‘is it that dangerous’?” Anthony asked dryly. “I mean you did notice that we don’t get meals that need cutting? Haven’t since day one?”

Locus winced and shook his head. “It seems so unreasonable. How is anyone expected to succeed if they’re constantly distracted by keeping safe?”

“We’re not supposed to succeed.” Kaylee said dryly and leaned back in her chair. “Save for some special cases we got sent here to be forgotten. So for most of the year our parents don’t have to deal with our shit. Our parents paid to get us out of their hair.”

Abbey winced and poked at her food. “Something like that…”

“They threw a big huff when someone died but look how many of us still ended up back here the next year?” Kaylee shook her head. “I mean shit look at the name of this hell hole. The Ferryman of the Damned, right? You don’t name a school after a literal dead end when you expect the students to go far.”

“Wait that’s what Charon means?” Felix frowned. “What’s it from?”

“Greek mythology.” Locus sighed. “He’s the ferryman that takes the dead to the afterlife.”

“That’s kind of fucked up.” 

“Mmm…”

“What… do you guys have planned for after graduation?” Locus seemed almost afraid to ask, everyone seemed so resigned.

“Hmmm… maybe some continuing education courses? Make sure my knowledge is up to snuff?” Anthony shrugged. “I don’t really trust Charon teachers, so I’ll just make sure I got a good base to work with. Then I guess… whatever? I have no idea what I want to do yet, but my cousin didn’t know what he wanted to do ‘til he was 30 so I’m just gonna make sure I’m ready when I figure it out?”

Abbey nodded thoughtfully. “I’ll probably try and take some real art courses? I mean the art staff here is _trying_ at least, they seem slightly less dead inside than the core subjects but… I don’t think anywhere high school art is enough?”

Kaylee tapped her fork against her lip. “Probably get a job. Learn the real world and shit. Taking time off to work is usually pretty acceptable. Plus my mom likes to say you don’t learn about the world ‘til you work in it. Probably something shitty, but I’ll figure out how I like the world before I commit to something I think.” 

Felix leaned against Locus’ side. “See you _are_ able to make things up if you don’t get what you want right away.”

Locus sighed and gave Felix a look. “That’s not the point…”

“My dad says a lot of colleges find upgrading to be commitment to education!” Abbey grinned. “If you end up needing to take some upgrade classes it might boost your resume. Don’t let Charon doom ya.”

Locus made a face, maybe his friends knew him a little too well? “I… will keep that in mind.”

“You’ll probably start getting your acceptance letters soon though.” Felix stuck out his tongue.

“What are you planning to do, Felix?” Abbey asked.

“Eh, work probably. Locus ‘n’ me were thinking of getting a place, right? So whatever job I can get my filthy paws on I’ll take. Figure it out from there? Hah, if you can go to college once you’ve figured life out maybe I’ll go when I’m 30 and Locus has a fancy job?” Felix grinned brightly and elbowed Locus in the side. “We’ll trade off who earns the money and who goes to school?”

It took Felix a second to recover from the honesty of Locus’ smile at that. He sputtered and covered Locus’ face with his hands.

“What’s with that expression, oh my god you goob.” 

“You’ve never talked about going back to school before…” Locus took his hands and smiled.

“Well. I didn’t realise I had time to think on it. With time to think on it maybe I’ll do something cool. I dunno. Don’t get all excited.” Felix blushed and shook his head. “We’ll get you through college first.”

Locus smiled and kissed him. Anthony threw a cherry tomato at them.

\---

For all the dread that had come with returning to Charon, it slipped into routine pretty easily. Kaylee had been right, people quickly found new gossip and Felix only had to deal with a few people staring at him. Mostly he just had to worry about being a smart ass. He opened his mouth a lot of times when wiser people would have kept it closed. He was never going to be someone most people liked. But he was making a concentrated effort not to solve his fights with his fists.

Mostly that seemed to involve dodging a lot and getting punched in the face because everyone else were not making that effort. But the more he thought about it the more it sat in his stomach like a rock. He’d started because it was the only way he could think of to be ‘better’, the only way he could deserve to stay by Locus’ side. Now he had to think about it, how easily he just turned his anger into violence. ‘We are all destined to become our parents’ or however the saying went.

Sometimes he went to the gym and ran until his legs went numb just to get away from thinking about it. He’d hit people for bothering him, for saying the wrong things… when he was very young he used to hit other kids just for being too happy when he couldn’t be. His mother was violent, his uncle had been violent - in a different way but still violent - maybe his grandparents were violent too? He didn’t know how to cope with things regularly. He knew how to pick fights and fuck and distract himself until… what? None of it had ever passed. Violence had always, always been a constant. 

_We are all destined to become our parents._

Felix didn’t think he wanted to be a monster. He sat on a bench in the gym to catch his breath and get feeling back into his legs. People used the gym a lot, it was a handy place to burn off steam but it was 5:30 in the morning and most proper teenagers were still asleep. His legs were probably going to hurt all day in class but he didn’t care that much about it, he was pretty used to pain.

_I never want to be that to Locus._ He focused his breath and stared at his hands. Was that enough? Felix knew Locus was strong and skilled in his own way, if a fight did happen it wouldn’t be the same. It wouldn’t be like Felix and his mother, but… There were other ways to hurt someone. And if Felix ever raised his hand to Locus he knew it would hurt them both in too many ways.

Locus had said that he wanted to be better than what everyone thought of him. That one day he’d decided he was going to be _better_. Felix had trouble imagining him as anything else, but there had to have been someone he had wanted to change from. He’d decided not to be the person he was, the person people thought he was going to be. Locus had built himself into a person with a very real sort of personal strength, into someone good. At least as far as Felix was concerned, Locus was as good a person as he’d ever really met. And Locus had chosen to be that. To be good.

Felix could choose to be good, if he wanted. If he tried. He didn’t have to be his mother, even though the world thought children became their parents, Felix could be whoever the fuck he wanted. He had no idea how to be a good person, he didn’t think he had it in him to be some altruistic sort of saint. But he could be good enough. Maybe good enough would work?

He pushed himself very carefully off the bench and walked with a bit of a limp to the showers. “Yeah. Let’s start with good enough.”


	3. Disappointment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Locus learns about his parents

“You gonna be okay?” 

Locus looked over his shoulder at Felix then nodded. He flipped the large thick envelope over in his hands again and yet again didn’t open it. There were a lot of answers inside. It was too thick for it to just say ‘found abandoned at a church’ or something. At least that’s where babies got abandoned in movies. They were probably taken to hospitals now. Or doorsteps maybe? Though that seemed thoroughly unsafe, and had been one of his many problems with the Harry Potter series. Babies didn’t do well outside and alone in the middle of the night. 

He was thinking stupid things to keep himself from thinking of important thing or opening the envelope or doing any of the things he had specifically filled out the forms to do. He’d wanted this paperwork. Now that he had it he wasn’t sure he wanted to read it. He thought he was prepared for it all, he thought he was braced. So what if they hadn’t wanted him? He had turned out all right without their help. But what if the reality of it was different. It was one thing to wonder if his parents hadn’t wanted him and another to know he’d been more a problem than a person.

And what if they were dead? There would be no solid answers then, it seemed. And that seemed fine until it was real. Sure he could continue his life as normal, but then he would know that his parents were dead and there was nothing he could learn about who he was or where he came from.

The fretting was probably going to be worse than the knowing. It was usually worse than the knowing. He slid his finger under the seal and tore the envelope open to pull out his file. He hesitated another long moment before he finally read it.

“Well?” Felix inched closer and Locus looked up at him.

“Well… They were young when I was born, 18 and 19. My father’s name was Thomas and my mother was Melody. My mother was Melody Kekoa, so I guess they weren’t married…” Locus looked at the photographs attached to each file and wondered if he could pick features out of their faces and point them to his own. Felix wrapped his arms over Locus’ shoulders and Locus was briefly amused that Felix was only able to do so because Locus was sitting down. “I was taken from their custody as they were not deemed fit parents by the state. It says here I was two… I feel like I should remember something of them… People remember little bits of being two, don’t they?”

“Some maybe?” Felix shrugged, “I don’t think that I do, but I doubt there was anything worth remembering so…”

Locus nodded and looked back to the files. “It looks like they stayed together though, even if they didn’t get married… They don’t seem unfit. There’s no crime or anything. They were just young.” He sighed and flipped through again. “They were in a car accident last February…”

“Shit…” Felix squeezed Locus’ shoulders. “I’m sorry.”

“Less than a year and I could have met them.” Locus shook his head. “They’re gone, but that’s not why I was in foster care. I could have met them. I could have asked them questions. Thomas Cardinal and Melody Kekoa. They could have…”

Felix was quiet, just held Locus as he processed. It was so stupid. A car accident seemed so mundane. He knew death was like that, it just happened, life wasn’t a movie where everything had a thematic purpose, sometimes people just drive on icy roads, or drunk, or tired… there were a lot of car accidents and a lot of ways to die in car accidents. It just seemed so… wrong. And frustrating. _Months_ ago he could have asked his parents who they were. But he couldn’t, because he wasn’t eighteen yet. He had to wait, and because of that he’d missed his chance to know them. It felt… untidy. It was different than finding out they’d died when he was two, they’d been alive. He’d had parents for seventeen years, but he’d never gotten to know them. And now he never would.

“It feels like such a waste.” Locus threw the papers onto his desk. “If my file hadn’t been sealed I could have known them. Now I don’t get to know…”

“You get to know that they wanted you.” Felix kissed his temple gently. “They didn’t give you up, you were taken away. You were born wanted. That’s… important. And maybe, maybe they have family we can get in touch with? Maybe you have an uncle, or a grandma who wants to talk to you?”

“Maybe…” Locus closed his eyes and tried not to sulk. “I’ll look through the family tree later. I think… I don’t want to think about it anymore right now.”

“Okay.” 

\---

“What’s this?” Locus looked up as Felix dropped a plastic bag on his chest. He _had_ been reading and trying to relax a little, he hadn’t heard Felix come in, so he must have been doing a good job of distracting himself.

“Chocolate covered coffee beans.” Felix smiled and crawled over Locus awkwardly so they were both sitting on his bed. “Combining your two great loves.”

“Coffee and chocolate are my two great loves?” Locus asked dryly as he opened the bag and pulled a candy out.

“Well coffee’s obvious you basically live on it. But you also tend to pick chocolate flavoured things when it comes to treats? Chocolate cake, chocolate bars, chocolate milk, so… two great tastes that taste great together or whatever.” Felix leaned his head on Locus’ shoulder as Locus popped the treat into his mouth.

“Thank you.” Locus smiled softly and wrapped an arm around Felix’s shoulder. “Zachary really can get just about anything, can’t he?”

“Mmmhm. He has his ways. And mostly he just wants us to start up cardgame night again, so I’ll poke Anthony and see what we can do. I think we’re all back in the swing of things enough to take a break Friday evenings.” 

“Cardgame night sounds good. I’ve missed that bit of fun…” Locus continued nibbling his treats as Felix relaxed against him. “I’m going to be all right.”

“I know. But sometimes candy makes being all right a little better.” Felix smiled a little and shrugged. “You don’t have to be all right right away, though. They keep saying that in group, to take time and shit.”

“I didn’t know them. I’m not… I mostly feel frustrated. They were right there and I missed them. I missed the chance to know them. I feel like I should be sad but I’m just… kind of angry.” Locus sunk down a little in the bed and Felix sprawled against his side. 

“You don’t have to feel specific things. You just feel what you are feeling and go with that, I guess. I guess if they’re negative feelings you should look at why they’re there but otherwise it’s like… I guess there isn’t supposed to be a wrong way to feel things.” Felix made a face and gestured abstractly. “There’s a chart if you want. I’m supposed to work out like three before next group. It’s all about feelings and shit.”

Locus laughed softly. “I think I know why I’m irritated, but I’m glad you’re paying attention in group.”

“I don’t wanna be broken and shit forever, Locs. I’m gonna get better and then… I dunno we’ll work it out. But I won’t leave you to carry me. I’ll get better. And I’ll carry you too.” 

“You’re a little small to carry me.”

“Oh shut up, asshole. I’ve been working out! I could probably carry you.”

“I seriously doubt it.”

“I could _try_.”

“You would drop me.”

“Asshole.”

\---

It was stupid. It was all extremely, excruciatingly stupid. Locus stared at the ceiling instead of sleeping, Felix curled against him. Leaving the lights on had never bothered him before, but now he was counting the spots on the ceiling. His stomach felt twisted and sore as he tried very hard _not_ to think. 

It wasn’t an unfamiliar feeling, being unable to fall asleep. One would think being exhausted all day would mean Locus would be able to just collapse into bed and slip right into dreaming. One would be wrong. Somehow it always ended up that when he was finally in bed all he could do was think. Sometimes about school, often about Felix, tonight about his parents.

He hadn’t expected that he’d find them at eighteen and just suddenly be welcomed into their lives, he wasn’t going to flip a switch and just… _have_ parents. They may have been genetically responsible for him, but they hadn’t raised him. That’s what made parents… but he might have had a relationship. He might have had something. 

He tried to convince himself he hadn’t hoped for anything. If he hadn’t had his hopes up there was nothing to be crushed. There was no reason to feel crushed, after all it was likely they were dead. It didn’t work. It seemed dramatically different that they’d died so recently, that he could have known them if it wasn’t for paperwork and politics and his age. If he’d turned eighteen a year sooner he would have been able to know them. He could have asked them questions, he could have known where he came from.

It shouldn’t have mattered where he came from but it ate at him. He could control himself, but there was a part of himself that they held and he would never be able to get it now.

He felt like something had been torn out of him. It hurt down to the core of himself to know they were gone. Two people he’d never met, not while he was old enough to remember, and it hurt like something vital had been ripped away. He worked so hard to convince himself he was just annoyed. It was just frustrating that they were gone. It was just irritating that the world had taken this option from him too. It seemed so pathetic to hurt this much. 

He covered his eyes with the hand not draped over Felix’s shoulder and tried to focus on breathing. His eyes burned and his skull ached around his eye sockets, his throat was tight and breath came in shaking streams. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d cried. He used to pride himself on that. Strong boys don’t cry, it proved he was in control. People couldn’t help crying but he could control himself, he could stop himself. 

Tears were still building up in his eyes as he tried to convince himself he was too in control to cry over something this stupid. 

He woke Felix with a hiccuping sob and hated himself for it. Not only was he being pathetic like this but Felix would see him. Felix shouldn’t see this, no one should see it but especially not Felix. He wanted Felix to see him strong and in control not… this.

“Locus..?” Felix’s voice was rough with sleep as he shifted on the bunk to look at Locus better.

If Locus spoke he would break, it would all come pouring out, he knew it. If he opened his mouth all he would be able to do was sob so he bit his lip and pressed his hands over his eyes as hard as he could. It was so stupid.

“Hey.” Felix spoke softly, even as he croaked and pulled Locus up to sit. “Hey, look at me, hey…”

Felix very gently pulled Locus’ hands away from his eyes and Locus felt the tears pour down his face. He felt hot with shame and embarrassment as he shook his head and rubbed his cheeks. He hiccupped again and he felt his control start to break entirely. It was all he could do to keep from crying. From crying in earnest. 

Felix wrapped his arms around Locus and pulled him in, it felt strange to be almost cradled in his arms while still so much larger than Felix. But it was all he could take. He sobbed against Felix’s shoulder and Felix stroked his back gently. Felix didn’t shush him or say anything like ‘it’s all right’ like people tended to, he just held Locus as he wept. 

It hurt, it was hard to breathe, he hadn’t cried in so long and he felt like he was breathing so hard he was going to break his ribs. He felt like he was going to cry forever. It just kept being painful, it kept holding him there. He was angry and he was tired and he was frustrate and he was so very very _sad_. He’d wanted to know them so badly.

He knew it had only been minutes but it felt like forever that he’d sobbed in Felix’s arms, until eventually he was just gasping for air and clinging to Felix’s shirt. 

“Exhale as deep as you can.” Felix murmured in his ear. “Then force a deep breath in. Hold it, then breathe out as slow as you can. Try breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth just think about doing that and nothing else.”

Locus did that, he thought of nothing but breathing as purposefully as possible. It was more difficult than it should be, but eventually he stopped gasping and shaking and just sat weakly slumped against Felix’s shoulder. 

“I’m s-sorry.” Locus mumbled into the damp fabric of Felix’s shirt.

“Don’t be sorry. Shit how many times’ve I cried on you?” Felix hugged him tightly, and Locus tried to think. It was probably only a couple times, Felix had attacks but he didn’t often cry during them.

“It’s stupid…” Locus felt unbearably tired now, like his bones ached from weariness. “I didn’t know them…”

“It’s not stupid. It sucks.” Felix helped Locus sit up again and got up to find some tissues for him. “It sucks a lot. They’re your parents, and it mattered to you.”

“It shouldn’t have. It shouldn’t matter. It shouldn’t…” Locus wiped his face and blew his nose. “It’s stupid.”

“It did matter though.” Felix took the tissue and threw them away before sitting back down beside Locus. “Things are allowed to matter. I’m here for you, when things matter.”

Locus nodded a little more vigorously than he meant too and rubbed his face with his hands. “I can’t stop thinking about them.”

“I’m sorry…” Felix leaned against Locus and took his hand in both of his. 

“I wanted to know if they’d like me. If they’d want to know me.” Locus shook his head. “I didn’t think… I didn’t think we’d be a happy family. But I wanted to know them. And I can’t.”

Felix nodded and squeezed Locus’ hand. “For what it’s worth, I like you. I think… they’d have been stupid if they didn’t like you.”

Locus smiled just a little and leaned into Felix. “Do you think they would have been proud of me?”

“Absolutely. You turned out amazing.”

Locus was quiet for a long moment, weary and slowly processing everything. His thoughts had been racing before, now he felt sluggish and detached. “Thank you…”

“No problem.” Felix smiled at him. “Wake me up on purpose next time you need me. Don’t let me sleep through it if you’re hurting or something. Okay?”

Locus only hesitated a little before nodding. “I’ll try not to need to, though.”

“Suppressing is apparently like… _super_ unhealthy.”

“Mmm.”

“It’s safe to let it out with me, kay? It’s just… it’s safe. Whatever the feelings are, you can feel them with me. I’m here. For as long as you’ll have me.” Felix nuzzled Locus’ shoulder a little.

“I’d like to have you for a very long time.”

“Sap. You have me.”

Locus was quiet again for a long moment before nodding. “Good. That’s… that’s good.”

“Yeah.”


	4. Shattered

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Locus has more on his plate

“You think we should try bringing other games?” Zachary handed in his card to the pile.

“Getting bored?” Anthony raised his eyebrow. 

“Not really, but there are some pretty funny board games out there. I’m sure those would be cool to bring in.”

“We got a couple last Christmas…” Felix chewed his lip as he looked through his cards again.

“I say we give it a shot, cards isn’t boring but it could be cool try some new stuff.” Zachary shrugged and tried to look over Felix’s shoulder, earning himself an elbow to the ribs.

“Speaking of Christmas my folks gave the okay to use the cabin again this year.” Kaylee tossed a card.

“Ooo, what’s this?” Zachary grinned and leaned back in his chair. “What cabin?”

“You aren’t invited.” Kaylee said bluntly making Zachary laugh.

“Rude.”

“Yes I am.” Kaylee shook her head. “I should have said this at lunch, I forgot.”

“It will be nice to go to your cabin again, it was a good time last year.” Locus smiled softly. “Thank you.”

“Yeah, yeah. We cleaned the place up when we left so I don’t think my parents care. We still aren’t allowed to have booze though. I mean that was probably supposed to be a given but my dad laid it out as an official rule.” Kaylee huffed a little. “In some countries we’d be old enough to drink already and it’d be fine.”

“What you’d send Locus and me on a beer run?” Anthony pointed out dryly. “Most countries don’t go under 18.” 

“Yes. That would be your job as official adults of the group, it is your job to get us booze.” Kaylee crossed her arms.

“Those _are_ the friend rules.” Zachary pointed out. “A merging of skills and all that.”

“I’m not buying anyone alcohol when I’m 21 and you’re all underage.” Locus grumbled softly and shook his head.

“You don’t have to drink it. Just bring it to the party so we can drink it.” Kaylee smirked a little.

“You can wait a few months and make Anthony do it.” Locus shook his head. 

“Locs doesn’t approve of alcohol.” Felix leaned his head on Locus’ shoulder and patted his arm lightly. “So we won’t make him… besides in December it’ll be my birthday so I’ll turn 21 before you. Well the girls at least… Either way I don’t have a moral objection to alcohol, I can supply a New Years party?”

“In 3 years.” Abbie snorted.

Felix rolled his eyes and shrugged. “Or one… god I can’t remember what my fake ID says anymore.”

“A fake ID? Scandalous!” Abbie giggled. 

“I thought we weren’t committing crimes after graduation.” Locus sighed and shook his head. “Being legal adults and all. What happened to that?”

“Drinking under age counted? Shit I have to go back over petty crimes again. Are we still allowed to download music?” Kaylee raised an eyebrow, but looked like she was working hard not to laugh.

“No.” Locus stared blankly at her and they were both silent a moment before he smiled and Kaylee covered a laugh. “I’m sorry, I don’t like alcohol and I’m not comfortable with drinking in general, and underaged drinking is… I guess it’s a _thing_.”

“That’s cool, we won’t push anymore.” Abbie shrugged. “I can’t promise that we won’t drink, but we’ll try not to if you’re there, does that work?”

“Yeah… and you can drink. I just… don’t want any of you to get in trouble with the law?” Locus winced a little.

“Too late.” Zachary rolled his eyes and bit the head off a gummi-bear. “That’s how I got here.”

“Mm…” Kaylee wrinkled her nose and reshuffled her cards. “Yeah… let’s add a more to that. Don’t get in _more_ trouble with the law.”

“More trouble with the law seems more fitting in this situation. You’re sitting in fuck-up central, babe.” Felix grinned as Locus blushed a little, possibly from the petname since it wasn’t the first time any of them had pointed out that their school was a shit hole.

“Fine. I don’t want you to get in trouble with the law while old enough to be charged as adults.” Locus shook his head and Felix leaned in to kiss his cheek. 

“You’re sweet. We all promise to at least try not to get arested. For you.” Felix grinned. “‘Cause you know if you weren’t there I’d just probably go straight to jail. Dunno what for but I’d end up finding it… it’s what I did.”

“We’ll all be good for you, don’t worry Locus.” Anthony smiled a bit crookedly.

\---

“Two letters in one month, man you’re popular.” Felix grinned from his bed as Locus walked into the room carrying an envelope.

“It’s from one of the schools I applied to.” Locus mumbled as he fell into his chair and stared at the paper in his hand.

“Oh! One of your acceptance letters?” Felix pushed himself off the bed to come see.

“I haven’t opened it yet.” Locus said tensely, flipping the letter over and over in his hands. “I don’t know if it’s supposed to be thick or not. Do you think it’s a bad sign that it’s thin?”

“Well what do they need to write? Just ‘congratulations you’re accepted please give us all your money’ right?” Felix put his hands on his hips and tilted his head. “All that other shit comes after you enroll, right?”

“Maybe…” Locus slowly tore the edge of the envelope open, he could feel his heart beating in his throat. His first letter seemed like it would set the tone for every other letter he would receive. He couldn’t manage Felix’s optimism, he didn’t have that much faith in himself. But he really, really didn’t need anymore bad news. He could handle it, he knew that, he wasn’t so dramatic as to think it would break him. But it would hurt, and he was already in pain.

“Well..?” Felix bounced on the balls of his feet.

Locus didn’t know panic very well, not really. He’d forgotten how it rushed in the ears and tightened the throat, how it made it hard to breathe or focus. It felt like everything was riding on this one letter. His whole future. He knew logically it was ridiculous, there were other schools and his friends had pointed out upgrading, but… here and now it felt like it all came down to this letter.

“Joseph Cardinal, we…” Locus trailed off and read in silence for a moment, making Felix stop bouncing.

“Locus?”

“We regret to inform you… that you do not meet the criteria…” Locus trailed off again and put the letter down on the desk. His face was hot with shame, his chest hurt desperately. How was everything going so deeply, hopelessly wrong? First his parents and then this. He didn’t know how to manage it all at once. He was still _processing_ his parents. He didn’t know how to deal with this much disappointment. He’d suspected it would happen. He’d tried not to get his hopes up, he knew he had a poor record and less than perfect grades. He had Charon on his resume, that was a black spot on any application. Felix’s optimism had been contagious, though. He’d wanted to believe he could get in. 

“Fuck… Locus.” Felix put a hand on Locus’ shoulder as Locus covered his face with his hands. 

“I expected this.” Locus tried to make it smaller. He had expected this. This was not a disappointment, he knew it was coming.

“God, they’re just assholes. The others--”

“The others will be like this.” Locus snapped, “the others will all say that I’m not good enough. Because I’m not. I’m some idiot kid, with a juvenile record and _this_ place as my education. And I struggle _here_ of all places. I’m stuck at _idiot_ school and I struggle. No school is going to want someone like me on their campus. I’ve been fucked since I got here. I’ve been fucked for years I just didn’t want to admit it.”

Felix was very quiet, he was breathing like he did when he was panicking a little, quick sharp breaths that he tried to smother into seeming normal. He knelt down in front of Locus and took his hands. 

“I thought I could prove people wrong but I can’t. I’m exactly what everyone expected of me. I’m an idiot, and a failure. I never _will_ amount to anything. Everyone’s always been right.”

“Locus.” Felix exhaled slowly and squeezed Locus’ hands. “You aren’t an idiot or a failure, you don’t know yet what the other schools will say.”

“You can read it if you’d like. That’s what all the other schools will say. I’m not good enough.” Locus looked away bitterly. He was throwing a tantrum, he realised that a little, but he was so tired. It all hurt so much, he couldn’t keep it all contained. “I can’t even learn things at _idiot_ school, what makes me think I can handle college?”

“No one can. Locus, no one knows shit here. The teachers don’t know shit. They’re shit at being teachers. That’s why they’re here. Because most people here are like me. We’re lost causes, so why waste the resources? You’re struggling because the people teaching you are fucking garbage at it.” Felix squeezed his hand again and leaned his head against Locus’ knee.

“And it’s damning me. I’m not going to learn anything well enough. Who would want me at their school? My education is stunted, I don’t know how to handle the real world… How am I going to pass my SAT if I can’t even pass these piss poor classes…”

“You only scored under 80% once!” Felix protested. “You study harder and work more than anyone I know. You teach yourself the subject half the time!”

“Clearly I don’t, when I missed all that school I couldn’t catch up. And under 90% is as good as failing to colleges applications.” Locus took his hands back from Felix and rubbed his face. Everything felt like the end. Like there was no way out of this hole. How could a couple bad decisions as a child fuck up his life this badly? 

“Locus, you can still take upgrading too, Abbie said it looks good on an application, then you can know you have all the right information.” Felix offered.

Locus stood up abruptly, knocking Felix back. “I need some air.”

“Okay, well we’ll--”

“Alone.” Locus shook his head and turned to walk out the door, leaving Felix on the floor.

“Okay… I’ll just. Be here…”

\---

Felix stayed on the floor for longer than he cared to admit. Locus had knocked his knee against his cheek when he’d gotten up, and that hurt. But mostly it was that Locus hadn’t raised his voice to Felix since they had gotten close. 

“An idiot school for idiots, and I fit right in.” He mumbled as he slowly pulled himself to his feet. The way Locus talked about himself was hard to hear, when Felix thought the world of Locus and he couldn’t see it. But also… if Locus felt that way about himself, how did he feel about Felix?

Felix rummaged through his closet and focused on breath exercises as he found the familiar oversized hoodie from their first Christmas together. Maybe it didn’t make sense that the comfort of Locus’ kindness made the hurting Locus had caused feel better but Felix related it to safety. He pulled it on and plucked a few papers out of the way so he could lay sprawled on his bunk. 

If Locus wasn’t good enough, what was Felix? If Locus felt so disparagingly about his own marks and ability to learn, did he think that Felix was stupid? Was he starting to realise how hopeless Felix was? He hated that Locus felt that way about himself, hated that somehow he still managed to turn it into something about himself. 

_Alone_.

Locus had dismissed his comfort, hadn’t wanted or needed Felix to be there for him. There was the imbalance then, clear as day. Locus didn’t need him. If anything Felix was holding him back. How much more work would Locus have been able to do if he wasn’t calming Felix down? Being his confidant, being his boyfriend. It was Felix’s fault that Locus had been stabbed in the first place. That his grades had suffered. It was Felix’s fault, really, that Locus wasn’t getting what he wanted.

“If I was a better person…” Felix covered rubbed his throbbing cheek and took a shaky breath. He had to be good to deserve Locus, but if he was good enough he’d let him go. “I really am ruining his life.”

The idea though felt worse than anything. Worse than being drugged. Worse than breaking his arm. Worse than going home. The idea of not being with Locus hurt too much for him to handle. He couldn’t be that good of a person. He just couldn’t. 

It felt like everything had fallen apart as soon as they’d gotten back to school. Summer had been a perfect paradise of having each other and being happy. He tried to just live in the memory of making a cake instead of the way Locus hadn’t even looked at him when he’d walked out the door.


	5. Work It Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Communication is the key

Locus walked through the halls without seeing, without knowing really where he was going except for away. He wanted to find outside but he wasn’t sure where to turn. Finally he found the broken door with access to the roof. It had been fixed briefly when Hargrove had been in charge but someone had broken it again since. This was where Felix tended to go, and it seemed like a good place to try and clear his head without anyone trying to come be sympathetic at him.

Felix was right, no one here had any hopes for the future. No one wanted to be something. Even his friends had thoughts of maybes and what ifs. The teachers didn’t care if they succeeded. The people lucky enough to _have_ parents had been terrible enough that their parents didn’t want to deal with them. Locus wouldn’t have been here if he’d had parents. He wouldn’t have been as angry. He wouldn’t have picked fights, he wouldn’t have hurt anyone. He would have grown up normal, he could have gone to a normal school, with teachers that cared. He could have his grades reflect his efforts.

Maybe then someone would be proud of him. Someone would care.

Someone besides Felix. Felix who didn’t care that he’d burned all his bridges. He’d had a chance, it had taken until grade ten for him to be sent to Charon, Felix _could_ have done anything, but Felix had chosen anger and violence. Felix was smart and talented and had access to money he could have any kind of future he wanted if he ever wanted to try. 

Locus lay back on the roof to stare at the sky, feeling bitter and lost. What would he do if he had Felix’s chances? If he had what Felix took for granted. He hated himself a little for resenting Felix. He hated himself more when he remembered Felix hadn’t really had a childhood of privilege. 

But as an adult Felix could have had anything, but Felix had given up a long time ago. Locus hated it. He hated that Felix’s only thoughts of the future seemed to involve playing a part in Locus’ life. He had no hopes for himself, no wants, no interests. It was supposed to be endearing, it was terrifying. It felt like he was the only reason Felix bothered to stay alive. He couldn’t carry that. He had so much he wanted to be he couldn’t be Felix’s one lifeline to the rest of the world. Especially since he rarely had anything to do with the rest of the world. 

What if their interests changed? If they broke up? Felix said he’d be sad but fine, but would he really? He was so… dependent. 

For a moment he couldn’t help but hate Felix too, on top of everything else, he hated that Felix had a world of opportunity and acted like all he had was Locus. It felt like Felix was just dragging him down.

He felt guilty as soon as the moment passed. As if he had some more right to have had an angry childhood than Felix? Was Locus really expecting Felix as a child to fake happiness when he’d had none? Felix acted like he had nothing else because he didn’t. Felix hadn’t driven his parents away, his mother had driven him off. It was unfair for Locus to be bitter about it. Locus had had bad years and bad homes and bad families… but he’d had good ones too. He’d had families that had tried to keep him, families that treated him like he belonged. One day maybe he should look up the Rodrigues family again, see if they were doing all right. They had been good. Had been kind and giving, they had taught him Spanish. He’d had a family, sometimes. He hadn’t been able to keep it, but for a little bit he’d had a family.

Of the two of them, despite their status in the system, Felix was the one who never knew what a family was like. 

Locus felt like a heel as he watched the sky fade towards night. He’d have to head back to the room soon if he wanted to get back before the doors locked. He’d left Felix on the floor. He’d _knocked_ Felix to the floor. 

People didn’t feel like they were worthless unless someone told them they were, made them feel that they were. It wasn’t Felix’s fault he didn’t think he had a future, it wasn’t fair to resent him for not trying. 

But then wasn’t he trying? Wasn’t he trying hard at his therapy group and sessions? Anthony had said there was plenty of time to decide and Felix had taken that as a sign that one day he might do something. He wasn’t hopeless, he just felt hopeless _here_.

They all felt hopeless _here_. Charon seemed to be good at sapping everyone in it of their faith for the future.

“I will not fail.” Locus muttered to himself and pushed to his feet. He needed to make it up to Felix. It wasn’t fair that he’d taken his panic out on him. Especially since it seemed that so many people had taken so many things out on Felix throughout his life.

\---

Locus knocked on the door as he opened it and found Felix curled up in the hoodie in his bed. He felt another stab of guilt hit him, Felix tended to wear that especially when he was feeling hurt.

“Hey?” Locus called out softly and Felix looked up, then shifted to sit in his bunk.

“Hey, you all right?” 

“Yeah. I’m kind of an asshole…” Locus winced a bit and held out a box to Felix. He’d swung by Zachary’s room quickly on the way back. And while Zachary had laughed at him, he’d also had a box of chocolates ‘in case of emergencies.’

“It’s kinda a sucky situation.” Felix took the box and smiled as he looked it over. Then he skooted so Locus could sit beside him. “You’re gonna make it, you know? Even if this school makes itself a giant speed bump, you’re gonna make it. You’re too good to give up now, okay?”

Locus sat down at Felix’s side and nodded. “I’ve got you by my side, how can I not succeed?”

Felix snorted and leaned against Locus’ side as he peeled open the box of chocolates. “You got me. And I mean really that’s the best support system, ain’t it? What can’t you do with a skinny angry teenager as your support.”

Locus wrapped an arm around Felix and kissed his forehead gently. “Well I can’t give up. I can’t do that with your support. So don’t give up either?”

“Who’s giving up? We’ll get you to college. We’ll figure it out.” Felix laughed and picked out a chocolate.

“Don’t give up on yourself. You aren’t just my support. I want you to have a future that’s more than… me.” Locus sighed and put his hand on Felix’s head gently.

Felix made a noncommittal noise and munched on a chocolate. “I don’t really have a plan, you know.”

“I know… I don’t think you need one right away. But… Something.”

“But something?” Felix smirked a little and offered Locus a chocolate, which turned out to be the coffee chocolate.

“Sometimes if feels like you don’t expect to have a future… You’re seventeen. You have a good seventy years yet to live, it’s not over yet.” Locus sighed and popped the chocolate into his mouth.

“I guess. It’s just weird. I didn’t really think I’d make it this far, so planning ahead is… I’m not used to it.” Felix closed his eyes and settled against Locus in a way that seemed comfortable. 

“You really didn’t think you’d make it?”

“It got bad sometimes… I mean remember grade ten? You said it yourself that I was dying.” Felix shrugged a little. “Plus I kinda expected my mother to just hit me too hard one day, or forget to give me water over the summer. It got pretty hot some years… I just didn’t make plans. What was the point of plans if there was nothing to look forward to, you know? So I’ll work on it. Promise.”

Locus sighed and processed that as he carded his fingers through Felix’s hair. It was starting to get longer again. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry ‘bout shit you can’t control.” Felix snorted but tilted his head to lean into Locus’ touch. 

“I’m sorry I took things out on you tonight.”

“It’s cool.” Felix smiled a little. “Thanks for coming back.”

“Yeah…”

\---

“So. I looked it up, checked out a few different places. It turns out these are the top rated study guides for the SATs.” Felix announced as he dropped the books onto Locus’ desk. “They have the most reviews with the highest ratings and… I guess some teachers groups recommend them or something?”

Locus picked up the first book and started flipping through, looking through the notes and practice questions. “Felix…”

“I know this school suck. And I mean… You spend all your time studying anyway you deserve a textbook that’s younger than you are. Might actually have some accurate information.” Felix shrugged a little and blushed. “I mean they make these things to teach idiots how to pass right? So they’ll probably give you just the right edge, since you aren’t an idiot.”

“When did you get these?” Locus smiled a little and set the book back down. 

“I signed myself out for the weekend a little, I did the research online first, then I went out and picked them up from the book store. Some of these are like monstrously thick though… So that probably means helpful?”

Locus got up from his desk and cupped Felix’s face in his hands, then leaned in to kiss him softly. “Thank you.”

“Yeah well… if I can’t find a good Christmas present that might be it. So there you go. School junk. Best present ever.” Felix laughed, still blushing.

“I didn’t even think of looking into these… This means a lot. Thank you.” Locus ran his fingers over Felix’s hair gently then leaned in to kiss his throat softly.

“Ah.” Felix shivered and reached to grip Locus’ shirt. “Don’t mention it.”

Locus smiled against Felix’s neck and nipped lightly. “I’ve been very focused lately haven’t I?” 

Felix grinned and let his fingers trail down Locus’ chest. “Maybe a little…”

“May I give you a hickey for your trouble?” Locus chuckled softly as he felt Felix’s throat move as he swallowed.

“Definitely.” Felix tugged lightly on Locus’ shirt and whined as Locus marked him. “Bed?”

“Mm.”

\---

“I wonder if we should be more careful about doing that here…” Locus mused as Felix nuzzled against his chest, blissfully spent.

“They don’t seem to care much anymore. Hasn’t been a room sweep this year…” Felix walked his fingers lazily over Locus’ stomach. “I think we’re safe.”

“It would be a pain if they separated us.” Locus covered a yawn.

“Ugh don’t jinx us. I don’t think I could handle a different roommate. I’m very comfortable with things just like this.” Felix wrinkled his nose. 

“Well we’ll be careful if it seems like they have a problem.” Locus sighed and closed his eyes. “I’m comfortable with things the way they are, too.”

“Comfortable is good. I like comfortable.” Felix laughed. “We should get like… a king sized pillow top memory foam whatever fancy shit bed when we have our own place. Just the comfiest fucking thing. With a shitton of pillows. Like good pillows. From fancy bed places. Like that cooling pillow I saw on TV or whatever. And super soft sheets. And at least four blankets.”

“Why don’t we just get a duvet?” Locus smiled and played with Felix’s hair idly.

“Well… Okay a duvet can be one of the blankets, or something? I guess? Those are the blankets we had at the hotel, right?”

“Yeah the really thick one… the one that was a little like a pillow that was a blanket?” 

“Okay. I like that, a duvet is cool. But a bunch of other blankets too because sometimes different temperatures, right? And then also I don’t have to feel bad if I hog the blankets.”

“You don’t feel bad if you hog the blankets anyway.” Locus poked Felix’s nose and snorted when he made an affronted face.

“I get cold. You’re basically a furnace, you don’t need to worry about it as much.” Felix kissed Locus’ pec in rebuttal, since it was what he could reach without moving.

“Maybe I like having blankets. You never asked.”

“I fall asleep before you do, you have ample time to steal them back.” Felix made a face and tugged their blankets up over them. “After we get the bed perfect then we get everything else. I know realistically we get like shelves and lighting and bathroom stuff. But I say we also get a big screen TV. Like super big. Or a projector and just dedicate a wall to it. Total entertainment experience.”

“Planning on watching a lot of TV?” Locus closed his eyes and listened to Felix speak, trying to imagine how they could possibly fit that in an apartment. 

“That and video games. I wanna try those. We’ll get all the latest shit and whatever anyone recommends as games. We can have fun like people are supposed to at our age. I mean yeah I’ll have to get a job and we’ll be paying for food and rent and so it’s gonna be a lot of dry boring adult bullshit. But push comes to shove we can just rob my mom’s house again.”

“We’re not robbing anyone. Even your mother. We have enough money to start out, and live comfortably for over a year if we need to.” Locus messed Felix’s hair earning a squawk.

“No, a bunch of that is going to your college education. So I gotta get a job. But yeah some of it is going to a projector. Oh and a gameboy! Are they still gameboys? I stole one from a kid when I was little I played Pokemon for like a month before my mother found it. That was pretty great. I should get one of those.” Felix grabbed Locus’ hand and pulled it down to rest against his chest. “Though if we have leftover in the budget maybe I can take cooking classes. Then we can eat like fancy assholes or something, right? I mean I’m learning some shit in Home Ec, but think of the fancy shit I could learn to cook. You can come home to a fuckin’ fancy ass meal and I’ll be all sexy in just an apron.”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea to actually cook in only an apron.” Locus pointed out dryly.

“Well I’ll just take off all my clothes when you come home.”

“So why leave the apron?”

“‘Cause it’s sexy! Don’t you have an imagination?”


	6. Trouble In Paradise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> most couples fight, right?

Locus got 2 more rejection letters in the passing weeks. Each one seemed to hit him harder, and take a little more out of him. He didn’t stop studying. He buried himself in books and notes and practice exams, and Felix could barely get a word out of him. He didn’t go to game nights, he went to bed late and on weekends seemed to try not to go to bed at all.

It ate at Felix to see Locus so ragged with stress. “You have to come tonight. You’ve skipped the last three. You _have_ to take a break.”

“I sleep.” Locus grumbled softly, not looking up from his notebook.

“Barely!” Felix threw up his hands in exasperation. “When was the last time you got anything like 8 hours?”

Locus was silent as he finished a question in his book and Felix bounced with irritation.

“You can’t keep this up! You’re going to burn up before you even get to exams. You got 90s regularly when you studied before. You don’t need to study like this.” 

“That was on tests assigned by Charon. That’s grading on Charon’s standards. If I want to get proper grades on standardised tests…” Locus sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “It’s not enough.”

“You’re already ahead of your classes. You’re acing your practice tests. You don’t need to be doing this. What you need is a night _off_.” Felix huffed as Locus began writing another problem out and plucked the pencil from his hands. “Take tonight off. Have some fun and then go to sleep with me. You’re going to burn out.”

“I can handle this, you don’t need to babysit me.” Locus grumbled with more venom than seemed particularly necessary.

“Apparently you do because you’re fucking killing yourself with homework right now.” Felix snapped back. It was hard to keep a level head when Locus was being an _asshole_ about it.

“Fine. I’ll go. But I’m going to have to make it up somehow…” Locus grumbled and pushed himself away from his desk sharply. Felix almost wanted to tell him to stay if he was going to be a shit about it, but he hadn’t argued to get his way only to give it up when Locus finally gave in.

“I’m sure you’ll figure it out. Tonight try and remember how to have fun, kay?” Felix rolled his eyes and turned on his heel to head to the library. The only way he knew Locus was still with him was because Felix could hear his footsteps. He didn’t want to look back at him yet, he was too pissed. 

He knew Locus had goals and dreams, and that this felt like the breaking point on whether he would make it, but it was making Locus… kind of intolerable. It wasn’t like Felix was unaccustomed to being ignored, but it still sucked. It sucked that Felix knew it was important but still wanted to complain. It sucked that being Locus’ boyfriend didn’t seem to change the fact that Locus would gladly drop him for school.

That wasn’t fair. Felix knew, a little, that that wasn’t fair. It still stung, waking up alone because Locus had taken the other bunk. It hurt when he tried to make conversation to get a grunt in reply. It hurt that Locus barely looked up from his books. But he knew it was important.

But so were breaks, right? No one was supposed to work that hard for that long. There _was_ worry in all the hurt and irritation. Because Locus wasn’t sleeping well, and Locus didn’t do well without sleep. Locus who liked to sleep in still set his alarm for weekends. Locus was _going_ to get sick, and that was just going to make everything worse. It shouldn’t have to be a fight to spend time together.

Locus had wanted to be his boyfriend, shouldn’t that mean he’d wanted to spend time with him? 

“Hey!” Abbey grinned as they walked into the study room. “Locus! He managed to pry you away this time?”

“So it seems.” Locus’ voice was dry and unamused and Abbey’s eyebrows shot up. 

Kaylee was giving Felix a _look_ when he sat down and he rolled his eyes at her. She pursed her lips and shook her head. Felix could practically feel the “messy” she wanted to say. 

And yeah. It was messy. It was getting messy. Which was stupid. Felix couldn’t fix this, he couldn’t reach inside himself and change something to fix what was fucking things up. It was Locus. Unless there _was_ something Felix was doing wrong that had earned him weeks of silence. It didn’t seem fair, that Locus not bother to tell him though. Things had seemed like they were going well…

Game night did not improve. Locus was sullen and stubborn about the whole thing, and Felix couldn’t help but get angry every time Locus made it obvious he didn’t want to be there. As each of them got more upset, the rest of the room got quieter. The tension was thick and heavy and even Zachary seemed affected by it. And Felix was pretty sure Zachary’s main skill was ignoring tension.

When the game finally ended Locus couldn’t seem to get to his feet fast enough and Felix made an attempt at a tight lipped smile and got up too.

“Well this has been great.” He snapped. “See you all later.”

Locus waved briefly and was out the door, Felix sighed and followed him.

“What the _hell_?” Felix hissed as he worked hard to keep up with Locus’ brisk walk.

“You wanted me to come.”

“I wanted you to have some fucking fun. Not throw a fucking temper tantrum.” 

“I didn’t want to be there and you knew that, I have things I need to do.”

“Yeah, and everyone else noticed you didn’t want to be there. You sulked like a baby the entire fucking time.” 

Locus snorted and looked down at him. “ _You’re_ calling me childish? You hardly kept your temper under control.”

Locus was always huge, but he’d never really made Felix feel that _small_ before. Felix threw his hands out. “Oh shit, I got pissed because you were being a fucking asshole. I guess that makes me a child. I wanted you to have fun and take a break not be a pissy fuck.”

“Everything is riding on my success this year. I can’t afford to take time off and fool around.”

“Oh fuck you. Of fucking course you can take a fucking break. You’re supposed to take fucking breaks.” Felix crossed his arms as they entered their room and he dropped onto his bunk. “You know you can pass. And fuck you know if you don’t get in this year, you can next year. You’re playing your fucking avoidance games.”

“I’m not playing games I’m _working_. I understand that is a foreign concept to you, but it’s important to me.” Locus snapped as he sat back at his desk.

“Wow, awesome. Thanks” Felix growled and flopped back onto his bed. “Feel better about yourself now?”

Locus was silent, jaw clenched as he turned back to his books. Felix sighed and rolled over in bed. The whole situation was bullshit. Everything had been so much easier during the summer. How was he supposed to compete with all of Locus’ dreams of the future?

\---

Locus listened to Felix fall asleep and slowly calmed down. He knew, a little, that he wasn’t being fair. That he _was_ avoiding Felix. They’d talked a little about Felix’s… dependance? How he was being needy and it was bothering Locus. Not enough, probably, but some. Watching his own dreams crumble made it all painfully clear how few Felix had. Everything Locus was working for was falling through and Felix didn’t understand, Felix didn’t work for anything. He knew that Felix didn’t have life easy, but Felix was happy to relax. He skipped homework and ignored his grades, he seemed proud of having lackluster plans. As if a dead-end job was fine, good enough. He could just give up and use his mother’s money and skate by on everything else. He talked like Locus’ success was going to be his success, it felt like Locus was carrying both of them. Both of their futures were dependant on him, because Felix couldn’t be bothered to _do_ anything.

So Locus was panicking. And Locus was doing what Locus did when he panicked, avoiding. Falling back into studying _was_ important, but it was also convenient. He could lose himself in homework and not have to face the ugly conversation that was waiting for him. Either Felix was going to have to start working towards their future, or he was going to lose it. Locus wasn’t going to carry both of them. He had enough to worry about without the weight of Felix’s whole future.

He had seen Felix change, but he wasn’t sure if Felix was willing to change that much. And what was he going to do? Locus didn’t even know for sure what he wanted Felix to change, besides that he wanted Felix to have some drive. Some desire to accomplish something. And how was that going to happen? Felix acted like it was some sort of miracle that he wasn’t planning on being dead. Locus wanted him to aim for more, but he had no idea how to make him want something. 

It felt like it was going to be a hopeless conversation, and Locus wasn’t looking forward to having it. And so, homework. If he avoided Felix he didn’t have to worry about maybe having to break up with Felix. He didn’t want to, but it felt a little like he might have to.

\---

Felix had apparently left their room shortly after he’d woken up, because he wasn’t there when Locus’ alarm went off. A little part of him was glad for that, Locus didn’t know how he was going to talk to Felix after the fight. He didn’t know how anyone was supposed to behave after a fight. He felt bad, he’d been cruel and harsh for the sake of being cruel and harsh. But he didn’t want to apologise. Apologising would put him in the position of taking it all back, and while he didn’t like how he’d said it, it had needed saying. Or at least it had needed to be brought up. It was the first step in the uncomfortable conversation, and maybe if he had it in pieces it would be easier to deal with.

They needed to talk, though. Locus knew they couldn’t leave things like this. He hadn’t given up on their relationship yet, he was just afraid of breaking it. He was making it worse by trying not to and it he needed to fix _that_ at least.

“To; A Complete Fucking Zombie

Go the fuck back to bed. It’s the weekend and you need to sleep before you actually fucking die. You can afford to take a break. You _need_ to take a break. Go back to bed and yell at me later

Felixoxox”

Felix had stolen his notebooks and left him a note in their place. If Locus had wanted he could have flipped through his textbooks, but the way Felix had addressed and signed the note made Locus’ heart hurt. Felix was probably still mad, but he was trying to look out for him. In a way. It had been a while since Locus had slept a whole night. Felix had made his own good points last night, and if Locus wanted to stop being a brat he’d have to appreciate them. He was avoiding Felix, he was working himself ragged, and he had _probably_ thrown a temper tantrum last night. Felix expected him to yell, and after last night Locus couldn’t really blame him, but it made him a little sad. 

He sat back down on his bed with a heavy sigh. He had to make sure he was calm when Felix got back. They needed to talk without yelling, without snapping, or saying hurtful things. He’d intended to lie back and think about what he wanted to say, but he’d underestimated just how exhausted he was. He was asleep in minutes.

\---

“So.”

“I know. It’s _messy_. How fucking unobservant do you think I am.” Felix glared at Kaylee as she sat down beside him on the roof.

“Well considering even Zachary noticed, I figured _you_ had to have.” Kaylee seemed unbothered by the glare.

“He’s being an asshole. It’s not even me this time. I can’t think of anything I fucked up to cause this. He’s just being an asshole.” Felix leaned back after a moment more of glaring and then sighed. “He’s getting rejected from colleges. The stress is driving him up the wall. It’s driving me up the wall. He won’t fucking chill the fuck out.”

“He applied to college already?” Kaylee wrinkled her nose.

“Yeah, with his grade 11 results? Or something… So the grades weren’t what he wanted or I guess what they wanted…” Felix grumbled. “Don’t tell anyone I probably shouldn’t even be fucking--”

“Basically no one gets accepted early like that.” Kaylee cut him off. “Like, colleges, most colleges, want your SAT scores. You have to be fucking god-like to get in early with school grades. Most people apply with those.”

“Seriously? So-- fuck he’s acting like his whole future is falling apart over this.” 

“Probably not.”

“Perfectionist fucking drama queen.” Felix let himself fall back onto the roof. “I need to figure out how colleges work so I can fucking navigate his drama.”

“Why don’t you just learn how colleges work so you can go to college.” Kaylee asked dryly.

“What would I take? It’s too much money to just piss around waiting to get inspired into a career.” Felix sighed and rubbed his face with his hands. “I don’t know what I want right now. Except to experience the world a little I guess.”

“Fair enough.” Kaylee shrugged. “Not like I’m going right away either.”

“I don’t know shit about life, I got shit to figure out I’m not gonna sort out in this fuck hole.” 

“You _aren’t_ the most well adjusted person I’ve ever met.” Kaylee admitted.

“Wow thanks.” Felix snorted. “I’ll figure it out. I just need a little time.”

“Same.”

\---

Felix returned to the room in the late afternoon, Locus had slept most of the day and felt ill-prepared for the talk they needed to have.

“So…” Felix trailed off and leaned against the closed door. “Yesterday was dramatic.”

“I know.” Locus sighed and swept his hands over his hair. 

“You’ve been avoiding me.” Felix raised an eyebrow and watched Locus. It wasn’t a question.

“I… I guess I have. I’ve been… stressed. You may have noticed a few things going wrong in my life lately.” Locus regretted the snide remark as soon as he said it but resigned himself to live with it.

“Yeah, I’d noticed that. I think in relationships we’re supposed to work through it together, not cut each other off.” Felix crossed his arms and tapped his fingers lightly. “I’m pretty sure we agreed to talk about shit.”

“Yeah…” Locus rubbed his face with his hands. “I know. I don’t really know what I’m supposed to say. My parents are dead and I’m not getting into college. Those aren’t things you care about.”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” Felix’s voice cracked with agitation. “Of course I fucking care!”

“You don’t care about _your own_.” Locus clarified, raising his hands defensively. “You said you hoped your father was dead. You don’t want to go to college. It’s something that matters to me, but it doesn’t matter to you.”

“I don’t want to know my family, because my family has already proven to be a fucked up mess. I don’t need my family in my life, my family means something different, that doesn’t mean I don’t care about yours. And what yours means to you.” Felix threw up his arms. “And okay, I don’t fucking know if I wanna go to college. That also doesn’t mean I don’t care about how much it matters to you.”

“It’s never something that matters to you. It feels like you only care about things if they relate to me. You don’t have a plan, you don’t have anything that means anything to you! I can’t… I don’t know how to deal with that.”

“What?” Felis held out his hands and made a face, Locus had blindsided him with the statement. “What the fuck? _You_ mean something to me. What the fuck else would you like me to give a fuck about? This shithole? My fucking mother? Nothing here’s exactly earned my giving a fuck.”

“That’s exactly… I feel like the only reason you give a fuck. About anything. I can’t be your only lifeline to the world. I can’t just live my life supporting you.” Locus sighed, he should have thought more about this, thought about what to say. This wasn’t coming out right.

“You don’t have to support me! I mean. I know I’ve been a mess this past year. This past… lifetime. I’m a fucking mess, I’m working on it. If you don’t want to support me then fucking don’t. Don’t give me some bullshit platitude if you don’t fucking care--”

“That’s not. That’s not what I mean.” Locus shook his head and cut Felix off. “I don’t mean about that. I can help you, and you’re working on that. I was worried for a while, but you’re going to therapy, you’re… I’m not the only one you have in your life helping with that. I care about you and about being there for you. What I can’t deal with is… you have no plan for a life without me. Whenever we talk it’s always about a future that depends on my being in it.”

“Well because I expected you wanted to be a part of my future.” Felix hissed in air between his teeth. “I planned a future with you. I thought that was part of a relationship. That was part of what we had going.”

“But that’s _all_ you have planned. It’s just living with me, it’s just… you joke about being a housewife, about… living off my income or depending on me--”

“Did you miss the part in the plan where I support us both while you go to college?” Felix snapped, breathing hard now. “I plan on getting a job, getting a place for both of us because we’re in a fucking relationship and I want to share my space with you! I _joke_ about being a housewife. Because I know how to cook and you don’t. Because I think it’s fucking funny. If you have a fucking problem with it fucking say so. I’m not planning on being a fucking leach. I’m going to pull my own fucking weight in all of this.”

“You don’t have any goals except things involving our relationship! Either working to support it or living with me or… You don’t have anything else.” Locus covered his face with his hands, this was going completely wrong. “I can’t be the only thing in your life that you’re holding on to. I can’t do it. You need to want something more than just a life with me.”

“I don’t fucking know what else I want right now.” Felix’s voice was high with emotion and Locus didn’t dare look at him. “I don’t fucking know how the world works. So I need a fucking breather period to actually learn what there is out there. I don’t know if _you_ noticed but I didn’t get a lot of fucking guidance growing up. I need to figure shit out. Yeah I want to move in with you after we graduate. Then I want to _get a job_. I hope we can still have fucking games night with the guys! I want to figure shit out before I fucking commit to it, you big stupid asshole! What the fuck more do you want? I don’t want to go to college right now! Fucking sorry I don’t feel like spending thousands of dollars figuring shit out. I have a plan. Hell if you weren’t in it I’d still get an apartment and a fucking job, how’s that. There’s a life without you, does that make you feel better?”

“Felix.”

“No. Don’t give me some scolding bullshit, why the fuck do you want me to have a life without you so badly! You talked about us too. About a future with us. Do you not want that anymore? Because I do. I want to at least graduate with you and figure out the world with you. No I can’t commit to more than that ‘cause I don’t fucking know what’s out there to fucking commit to.” Felix was gesturing aggressively now, pacing the room. “So is that it? You don’t want that anymore?”

“I still… I want to be with you. I’m scared of being the only thing you want.” Locus spoke softly.

“You aren’t. I want a huge TV, with a great sound system. I want a soft bed and fucking amazing sheets. I want to see what normal people act like. And get a chance to act like one myself. I really want to never see my mother again. And I really _really_ want my _boyfriend_ to get his head out his ass. How’s that? I mean that last one kind of involves you. So maybe that’s not good enough--”

“I. You’re right. Okay? You’re right.” Locus looked down at his hands. “I was wrong about your plans. I still want… I still want to grow up with you.”

“Thank fuck.” Felix breathed as he all but collapsed into his bed. “I want to be a part of your life. I don’t plan on being sorry about that. I want you. I don’t _need_ you. I’d find a way to live without you. But I don’t want to. I _want_ you. Okay?”

“Yeah. That’s… that’s fair. I want you, too.” Locus sighed and scrubbed his face with his hands. “I’m sorry. I’ve said everything all wrong, I still want you. I want to live with you. I want you in my life. I just… worry.”

“Well don’t. I’ve got it figured out. We just don’t care about the same things. That doesn’t mean I don’t care about fucking _anything_ , okay? You’re important, so I plan my life around you. My life doesn’t _revolve_ around you, it’s different. You’re just… you’re important.” Felix lay back on his bed and sighed. “So please stop ignoring me?”

“Yeah. I. I shouldn’t have to begin with. I don’t… deal with stress well.”

“Wow no fucking kidding?” Felix’s voice was heavy with sarcasm and he flipped Locus off.

Locus snorted a little and shook his head. “I’ll work on it.”

“Good. And fucking talk to me about shit you fucking asshole. That was part of the agreement. I fucking talk to you!” Felix pushed himself back up to glare at Locus again. “And you just bottle shit up until you pull shit like this. Fucking _talk_ to me. I thought _I_ was going to be the problem with this. Jesus Christ.”

“I’ll work on that too.” Locus promised and Felix snorted.

“Good. Now is that fucking everything?” Felix huffed a heavy sigh. “Or is there something else you’ve been bottling up waiting to fucking blow up over?”

“Well… you could put your laundry away.”

“Oh _fuck_ you.” But Felix was laughing, and it eased a tightness in Locus’ chest to watch him.

“I’m sorry. I’ll try and talk more. And listen more. I’m sorry I behaved poorly last night.” Locus sighed.

“Will you take breaks now? It’s kinda fucking killing me watching you do this.” Felix shook his head.

“I will… I will. I’m still worried about my grades, that hasn’t gone away.” Locus shrugged a little helplessly. “I need to be prepared for that.”

“You are prepared, you’re preparing. But you can prepare without sleep deprivation. And no fun. You can do other things besides study. How do you even have this much to study? We aren’t that far along yet.” Felix gave him an exasperated look. “Take breaks, and have fun. And maybe come to bed with me a couple times, fuck. I kinda fucking like you there.”

“Okay.” Locus sighed and held his hands up in surrender. “Okay, I’ll be better about that.”

“Good. Fucking christ.” Felix huffed a sigh.

“I’m sorry.”


	7. Thoughts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> some deep, some not so much

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so the new episodes have kinda turned things over as far as this merc duo is concerned. Considering how far into the story this is, I will not be adopting the new names or faces that have come up, it's just too late in the game for that. Though Felix's hair is right, if you make it black. There's the canon accurate part, Felix's hair.

“And with _that_...” Felix grinned broadly as he snatched up the last tile. “Makes the rest of you dead. And me the champion.”

“How the fuck do you always win haunts.” Anthony groaned as he leaned back in his chair.

“It’s my obvious natural talent for murder. Duh” Felix cackled, Abbie threw her game figure at him.

“Next time we can’t let him be the betrayer.” Zachary popped a gummy bear into his mouth and started collecting up the game tiles.

“It’s random.” Kaylee sighed and reached to help him. “What are we going to do ban him from the dice?”

“...yes. We will ban him. If he starts the haunt and ends up the betrayer we pretend it didn’t happen.” Zachary stated.

“You’re all sore losers, it’s very unbecoming.” Felix flapped a hand at them as he sorted the cards back into their decks. 

“Boo, you whore.” Zachary flipped Felix off.

“Oh like you’re one to talk.” Felix reached over to flick his ear, making Zachary swat at his hands. 

“Well they say it takes one to know one.” Zachary flashed a bright grin. “Even if you _have_ renounced your slutty ways. I know deep down you’re still a whore like me.”

“You’re a jerk and nobody likes you.”

“Tell that to everyone who wants my ass. I’ve increased in popularity since you went all monogamous.” 

“Figures you could only get sloppy seconds.”

“Children, children, please.” Kaylee rolled her eyes and held her hands out between them. “Don’t make me seperate you two.”

“Yes _Mom_ ” Zachary stuck his tongue out at her but leaned back in his chair.

“Next haunt I’m killing you first.” Felix grinned and flipped Zachary the bird as he leaned back to rest his head against Locus’ shoulder. “You’re being quiet. You’re not still grumpy I killed you, right?”

“Uh.” Locus blinked at him, then shook his head. “No, no. That’s how the game works. I got… lost in thought.”

“Stop thinking about homework. This is a nerd-free zone, all thoughts of grades are banned.” Felix reached up to boop Locus’ nose, then sat up properly.

“Sorry, sorry.”

\---

“Maybe I’ll get lucky and the Ross Tree will gain a fungal infection. Trees can get fungal infections, right?” Felix tapped his spoon against his lip and glared out the large cafeteria windows. There wasn’t exactly a perfect view of the tree from where they sat, but Felix could still catch a glimpse of it’s stupid spindly branches if he looked.

“I think it’s usually bugs…” Abbey offered. “Though maybe bugs cause a fungal infection?”

“Good. It can have both. And maybe some birds can come shit on it.” 

Locus reached to stroke the back of Felix’s neck gently and he slowly settled back into his chair. 

“I’m just say… no one could blame me for it if it got infected. I can’t just go knock it down, but bugs could eat it.”

“It is a possibility. Bugs are well known for eating trees.” Anthony nodded and tossed Felix his baggy of carrot sticks, which Felix gratefully tore open.

“Unfortunately bugs probably won’t eat the plaque.” Felix grumbled as he popped a carrot stick into his mouth.

“Maybe it’ll rust?” Abbey offered.

“Meh.” Felix shook his head. “It’s dumb, I know, but I really hate that people are gonna see it and think ‘oh what a tragedy’ and not know he was a total shitbag.”

“You were on the news, I think most people know he’s a shitbag.” Kaylee pointed out.

“And yet they still planted a tree in his honour.” Felix rolled his eyes. “But really I mean like… future kids. This horrible trash school is gonna be around for a while, and kids are gonna show up to it knowing nothing. And they’ll just see that and think kindly of the poor dead kid. Because dead kids, right? It’s a tragedy.”

Abbey shifted a little uncomfortably, she probably didn’t completely agree with that. Which was fair, dead kids were usually a tragedy. This case was still a tragedy to plenty of people, but Felix had come to terms with it well enough to decide he just plain hated Ross, and didn’t really mind that he was dead. Felix also knew he was something of a monster, and had come to terms with that as well. Better a monster than overcome with guilt. Monsters got to be happy when the people who hurt them died, Felix figured, and he was tired of feeling anything but relieved they were gone.

He didn’t share these feelings with his therapy group. He probably should, that _was_ the point of therapy. But everyone in his group was so painfully normal. Damaged in some way, but normal. They wanted to be better in this soft hopeful way that made a knot grow in Felix’s stomach. These were supposed to be people he could relate to, people broken like him… but all they did was make it more obvious there was something cruel and dark inside of him. Something abnormal and twisted. He could get over being afraid, he could move past flashbacks and panic attacks and any other stupid thing his PTSD decided to throw at him. But it seemed pretty clear that the other part, the dark twisty hatred, that wasn’t going to get fixed. 

No matter what Felix was going to be a monster. He could feel it building and clawing at him as he tried to smother it and act the role of a better person. He worried one day it would explode. Was this what was inside his mother? Was this what made his uncle the way he was? Was his family just evil and he couldn’t escape it? Sometimes it was jarring to look at his actions and see his mother in them. It made him tremendously sick. He wished he could kill the part of him that connected him to his family.

\---

“So what sorts of things do you like?” Locus asked softly. The quiet in the room was probably comfortable, but with the question hanging over him it felt heavy.

“Huh?” Felix looked up from his ereader and studied Locus a moment, as if maybe if he stared hard enough the question would gain context. “Like… things? Marshmallow bananas are pretty good? Or… books?”

Locus shook his head and sighed, running his hands down his face. “I mean… I know that. That you were very sexual before we… got together. And we’ve kind of taken small steps but I guess… I mean you had different sex. Before.”

“Kay for the record it’s a little hilarious when you get flustered. Like actually, very endearing.” Felix grinned and set his book aside. He pulled himself up to a proper seat on his bed and crossed his legs. “And yeah, I’ve had different sex. We’ve been pretty vanilla, I guess.”

“Well… what did you like? Do you like?” Locus pressed his lips together and stared fixedly at the wall beside Felix’s head. 

“A bunch of shit, really. It kinda depended. And I think some of it probably wouldn’t work for us. Like, I have a really hard time imagining you dirty talking. Like actually dirty talking. The mental image is actually pretty ridiculous.” Felix scratched his chin and thought about it. “Like are you asking ‘cause you wanna try something new?”

“Well I don’t want you to… to get bored.” Locus was nearly inaudible at the end of the sentence and sighed heavily when he realised he’s actually said it out loud. It sounded pathetic, he thought, and he didn’t want to be that ridiculous. “We’ve had a sexual relationship for almost two years now--”

“With a gap.” Felix pointed out, he wasn’t sure how to deal with all the weight behind ‘get bored’ that Locus seemed to be implying. It was easier, for now, to keep things light. “But yeah. I will reiterate there’s no actual set timeline for sex. It’s not like ‘well it’s the two year marker best get out the handcuffs.’ Or whatever”

“Right. I know that… I just… We do a lot of the same things. And I like those things, but they’re… the same.” Locus gestured a little as if it would help make his point. “I want to know if there’s something I could do… that you would like.”

Felix sighed and considered that a long moment. It shouldn’t be a tricky question. ‘Let’s try something new’ was a pretty basic concept, but Felix couldn’t shake the worry that Locus was just offering it because he felt obligated. Sex with Locus was… unsteady. Good. Felix liked it, but sometimes he felt like Locus was forcing himself instead of really enjoying it. That was uncomfortable.

“Well. I mean a lot of stuff has to do with attitude?” Felix offered and let his head hang back as he sorted through what he wanted to say. “Like for one it’s not all that great if you don’t want to do it. And I mean the things that can actually be done here, at school, are pretty limited. Technically.”

“Technically?”

“Well I mean a little imagination and willpower. Mild theft probably…” Felix shrugged, and tried to think of something that seemed fitting for Locus. “Like, what are the sort of things you’re interested in? Rough stuff, bondage, pain?”

“I don’t exactly know, really.” Locus admitted. “We could try… things you like to do? I want to know more about how you used to have sex? With other people.”

Felix groaned and leaned back making a face. “Is this gonna get weird? Like… ‘I’m okay with your dirty history until I know about it’ weird? ‘Cause I mean some people like they think they’re okay with the whole slut thing and then they _super_ aren’t when the facts come out to play.”

“I’m not. It’s not weird. I understand that you’ve had many sexual partners in the past. I want to… to know more about it.” Locus shrugged a little.

Felix scrubbed his face with his hands and groaned again. “Many. Right. I feel like I need to preface this with the fact that we both know I’ve been all checked out and I am not, in fact, diseased in any way.”

Locus’ eyebrows went up and Felix collapsed backwards onto his bed.

“Right. Like I mean I’ve been having sex for a long time, man. Not even just… _that_. I started fucking around pretty early. Probably too early. Like all things considered it’s weird that the people I had sex with were having sex with me. You know? Like right now at 17 the thought of having sex with a 13 year-old is fucking creepy, right? It’s creepy. But whatever, so I’ve been having sex for a few years now. It’s different with people you don’t know well. Like with us, and folks I knew at school here it was like… we kinda knew our boundaries? I mean here at school we had to figure out our boundaries along the way and I fucked some _real_ assholes along the way.” Felix breathed for a moment then pushed himself back up. “I have hooked up with a lot of people, and a lot of people don’t have random sex with strangers so they can do lovey-dovey cuddling. So actually all this gentle careful stuff has been kind of new grounds. Snuggling, brave new territory.”

Locus nodded a little but stayed quiet, his expression was thoughtful but neutral, and Felix couldn’t read him. He wanted to think he wasn’t judging, but reasonably most normal people would be judging at this point. 

“I _like_ how we have sex, it’s kinda cute, right? Not like… that makes it sound all quaint and silly, but it’s like. It’s been its own little adventure, figuring this shit out. But I have liked shit like… a little violent or rough, a little more forceful… sometimes a little mean. But seriously I really really can’t deal with you and dirty talk. I think I would die a little. Oh, but I could dirty talk you, that’s fun. I guess we could manage some light bondage if you were into that. Get a little rough with me or something?”

“That doesn’t seem very far… I mean not that much different from what we’ve done?” Locus seemed a little confused.

“Well, I mean it isn’t really. Kink gets a lot harder than that but like… a) school, b) let’s not jump from basic anal to fucking BDSM or something. There’s no need to get ridiculous.” Felix shrugged. “I don’t think _I_ wanna go to heavy right now. I like fun. I like you being you, not someone else. I’m game for playing around but I don’t wanna like overhaul how we do things. I’m still… I mean I’m still kinda busted. I’ve been doing good but I don’t… let’s not take big jumps, okay?”

Locus was quiet a moment, and nodded. “All right. I don’t want to push anything. I want to be good for you.”

“You are. Don’t fuss about that shit, okay? We can add stuff and try shit, I’m game for that, but don’t think you gotta be one of the guys I used to fuck in order to keep my interest. Surprise I’m still fucking interested. I know I have the attention span of a brain damaged cat but come on.”

Locus pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. “Right.”

“Now come cuddle me. You got me started on this snuggling bullshit you gotta come feed my cravings for intimacy.” Felix held out his hands and wiggled his fingers until Locus snorted and got up out of his chair.

“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you because you had sex with lots of people.” Locus murmured as he settled into Felix’s bed and wrapped his arms around him. “Sometimes you say that you’re dirty, but you aren’t. You were never dirty.”

Felix snorted, but blushed and pressed his face against Locus’ chest. “This is why you can’t dirty talk. You say too much shit like this.”

Locus stroked Felix’s hair gently, and they were both quiet for a moment. 

“I am… occasionally jealous that some other people have given you a pleasure that I can’t.” 

Felix snorted and shifted to look up at Locus and take his face in his hands. “You’re a dumbass. I’m very fond of you, but you are dumb. You have given me more pleasure than anyone else combined. That’s a lot more important to me than like… a spanking or something. Dumbass.”

Locus flushed a little under Felix’s hands but nodded. “A spanking, really?”

“Well I mean you could slap my ass next time you fuck me. That could be pretty fun.” Felix grinned brightly, then leaned up to kiss Locus. “Or pull my hair a little, I don’t know why but that’s like a total turn on. Like I really don’t know.”

“I will… keep that in mind.”

“Cool.”


	8. Not-Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time for a break

“What… is this?” Locus blinked as he walked into the room and looked around. There were Christmas lights strung up, which along with two lamps gave the room a sort of twilight glow, a pine branch had been broken off a tree and set in a jar on his desk filling the room with its scent, and a plate of gingerbread cookies had been set out.

“Well.” Felix put his hands on his hips and looked around, he was wearing the Harry Potter sweater that he’d gotten for Christmas the previous year. “Okay, bear with me. We’re going to Kaylee’s cabin next week for Christmas, right? So. That’s great, that’s a lot of fun. But not a lot of like… alone time? Or whatever. I kinda thought… like. Tiny not-Christmas?”

Locus looked at Felix for a long moments, eyebrows slowly rising. “Tiny not-Christmas.”

“Right, like… This one’s just for us, dick around be all like… couple-y or whatever? Cuddle watch a movie or whatever. I wanna give you your Christmas gift early ‘cause it’s dumb and I don’t wanna pack it in Kaylee’s mom’s SUV.” Felix shrugged a little. “Also maybe we fuck, Kaylee lay down the no fucking in her cabin rule but I figure Christmas sex is a thing. Not-Christmas. Whatever stop it put your eyebrows back.” 

Locus snorted as Felix covered his face with his hands. “A tiny not-Christmas sounds pretty nice to me. I see you spent a lot of time out in the city while I was busy.”

“Yeah well, Christmas is like… a _thing_ for you, right? So I wanted… well lights at least. And pine I hear is a very Christmas-y smell. I didn’t bake the cookies this time, but the bakery seemed pretty legit.” Felix scratched the back of his neck.

Locus smiled and pulled Felix gently into a kiss. “Christmas is an important holiday for me, yes. Thank you.”

Felix relaxed against him and grinned, “I didn’t spike the eggnog this time?”

“I greatly appreciate that.” 

Felix laughed and pulled two glasses off a side-table and handed one to Locus. “Merry not-Christmas?”

“Merry not-Christmas.” Locus tapped his glass against Felix’s and took a drink.

“Now. Presents ‘cause I’m excited about them and I said so.” Felix shrugged and pulled the covers off his bed to reveal two rather large boxes. “Don’t like… panic or something. Okay? Don’t do that.”

“Panic?” Locus gave Felix a skeptical look and lifted the smaller package, it was still heavy and seemed fairly large which made him wonder what the second one was like. No wonder Felix didn’t want to travel with them. He carefully unwrapped the package to find a cutlery set, they had a slightly square design and a fancy looking package. He was fairly used to mismatched well used cutlery whenever he’d had a home to stay at, this seemed almost classy.

“Okay, like. You’re… you’re so practical, right? You’re like impossible to shop for. I already got you a watch a ring and some shampoo. And I figured like… useful stuff, right?” Felix was fidgeting his hands and bouncing on the balls of his feet as Locus looked the package over.

“For our home.” Locus smiled softly. “I thought you said we should get a bed first?”

“Well I can’t wrap a bed. And then it’d just sit. I think we actually need a place first. Like place, then bed. Then massive TV. Whatever.” Felix snorted.

Locus had his suspicions now about what the second, larger package was, and as he stripped the paper aside he was correct. It was a neat, modern looking sixteen piece dinnerware set in that slightly odd square style, black on the outside and green on the inside. 

“I can see why you didn’t want to have to carry this to the cabin.” Locus mused as he decided not to resist the urge to pry the box open and see what the plates looked like. They had a matte finish which he thought was interesting. “Why green? And square?”

“Yeah carrying it all would have been a pain and I feel like the others wouldn’t have really got it, like it seems kinda weird but I thought… you know it made sense…” Felix shrugged. “Well green’s sorta your colour? You got a lot of green stuff, so… green. Also I thought the square stuff was cool? It was like… different from everything else. And I liked it.”

Locus ran his fingers over the plate and considered that, Felix’s reasoning and the fact that this was now his. Not the family dinnerware, or school plates. They were new, and intact, no one had lost part of the set or mixed a couple leftovers yet. They were his, and new, and complete. He supposed most dinnerware came that way but it seemed very remarkable, standing there looking at the plate. He would eat dinner off of this plate, in a home that was his own, that he didn’t have to worry about losing. 

“Thank you.” He finally said, his voice quiet and serious. He couldn’t think of how to word what this was ending up meaning to him. The others _wouldn’t_ understand, Felix was right about that. But in these two boxes was something like a real home, at least the first piece of one. He thought Felix probably could understand that, that’d be why he’d chosen this. Felix didn’t have a home either, except the promise they’d made each other. “I think they’re perfect.”

“You’re being sappy again, aren’t you.” In the odd colourful light it was hard to tell if Felix was blushing but he had an expression like maybe he was. Locus reached out and pulled him into a slow, meaningful kiss. 

“Probably.”

“We still need like… glasses. And stuff, but I could only carry this much to the cab, so.” Felix shrugged again and ducked his head as Locus wrapped the plate back up and put it back in the box.

“It’s a good first step. The first piece of a home. I like it a lot. Thank you.” 

“Sap.” Felix stuck out his tongue and leaned up to kiss Locus again.

“So I suppose I should probably give you your present, then?” Locus smiled and wrapped his arms around Felix casually.

“You don’t really, like there’s still actual Christmas. I just wanted to give you this stuff now.” 

“No… I want to give you yours, though probably… it’s going to seem silly.” Locus felt ridiculous now as he opened a drawer in their dresser and pulled out a box. “It would probably seem weird to the others, too. I didn’t wrap it yet, though. So I guess you can settle for the box it shipped in?”

“I think I can handle that.” Felix grinned and shook his head, taking the box from Locus with a curious look.

“Don’t read the shipping label.” Locus scolded a little and Felix laughed and folded the box open.

He paused for a moment as he looked inside then pulled the Gameboy Advanced out of the box and looked it over. 

“You. Mentioned playing it, and wanting one, or the new one but I thought. This was probably like the one you got to play. I got Pokemon Fire Red, I think that’s… I didn’t know which one you played but I figured in that timeline.” Locus gestured absently as he felt his face heat up, it had seemed like a good idea when he’d ordered it, but now he just felt silly. Felix was looking to their future and getting them things for their adult life, and Locus was buying games.

Felix’s face split into a grin and he threw his arms around Locus with a laugh. “This is great! This is just like the one I… well I stole it so I mean probably shouldn’t brag about that. But. This was a good memory. Thank you. You remembered that from one conversation?”

Locus shrugged a little, but hugged Felix back. “I try and remember our conversations. And you don’t… have a lot of good memories you mention. So I thought this would be good.”

“It is good. I don’t… I mean I know I don’t got a whole lot of _great_ memories. But I remember having fun with this game. This is downright fucking thoughtful. Thank you.” Felix laughed and looked the little toy over. “This is great.”

Locus smiled, Felix seemed to be honest about that, he really was happy with the gift. He hadn’t been completely sure of himself getting it. It had seemed ridiculous, but also fitting. 

“So you had an evening planned?” Locus asked, and Felix looked up and nodded.

Felix set the gameboy on his desk and picked up the plate of cookies and crawled onto Locus’ bunk. “First, I downloaded a bunch of Christmas movies so pick one and we’ll watch it. Then whatever.”

Locus smiled and crawled onto the bunk beside Felix. “Movie and then whatever sounds good.”

\---

“Oh my _god_ the snow’s taller than Felix up here.” Kaylee drawled as they trudged from the SUV to the cabin with the last of their bags.

“Wow, that’s witty. Extremely creative.” Felix grumbled, though the piles where it had been shovelled up _were_ pretty close. They were pretty close to most of them except Locus who continued to be abnormally tall.

“Seriously though, I guess there’s been some storms lately, so like… no wandering too far or whatever.” Kaylee dropped her suitcase by the stairs and looked around. “We’ve got everything set up if we need to hole up in a blizzard or whatever so it’s not a huge worry, just don’t go on some stupid walk in the woods and get lost.”

“Yes ma’am.” Felix rolled his eyes. “I mean that was my main plan once we got here, but if you say so we’ll sit tight.”

“Asshole.”

“That’s not a surprise.”

“So should we get unpacked and set up?” Locus ruffled Felix’s hair gently and Felix sighed and relaxed into the touch.

“Yeah, we’re going with the same setup as last year. You two still get the air mattress, cool?” Kaylee eyed her suitcase for a moment before picking it back up and stomping up the stairs.

“Yeah we’re good.” Felix nodded. 

Abbey and Anthony took their bags upstairs as well, and Felix and Locus tucked theirs to the side to be useful but out of the way. When they finished Felix collapsed back on the couch and looked around. 

“So ready for two weeks not dealing with school.” Felix groaned and sank into the couch like he never wanted to get up. “Can you imagine what it’ll be like to never go back there? Jesus Christ I can’t wait.”

“You’d probably have an easier time if you did homework and stopped pissing off your teachers.” Locus offered dryly.

“Ugh.” Felix made a disgusted face. “You can handle all our studying needs. You study more than enough for the both of us. One of us has to be a teenager instead of a robot. Don’t think I didn’t notice you putting your study guides into your bag.”

“I can’t just skip two weeks of work.” Locus protested.

“Oh you _absolutely_ can.” Abbey piped up, hopping down the stairs. “You keep this up you really will be a zombie. Christmas break is for taking a break.”

Locus looked a little betrayed when he turned to look at Abbey and Felix laughed.

“Thought I was the only one who noticed? You’re being kind of obvious, asshole.” Felix shook his head. “You can study a little so you don’t have a fucking stroke, but these two weeks are relaxation and actually eating your goddamn meals. And seriously if you skip supper again when we go back to school… I will not be held responsible for my actions.”

“And somehow we’ve gotten to the point where _you’re_ lecturing _me_ about not eating.” Locus sighed.

“Yup, so just imagine how fucked up the world has become.” Felix clicked his tongue and pointed finger-guns at Locus. 

Abbey crossed her arms and scowled at Locus. “If you don’t take a break you’ll just have a breakdown at exams. They say you need to take breaks for your brain to actually absorb the knowledge you gain from studying. So if you keep working it will actually be useless.”

Locus held up his hands in surrender. “Okay. Winter break means taking a break. Promise.”

“Good. That means we don’t have to get drastic.” Kaylee began down the stairs. “I was suggesting we steal all your books.”

Locus sighed and rubbed his face over his hands, slumping in defeat.

“I told them if we did that you would probably actually implode, so you’re welcome.” Felix laughed, then sat up a little straighter. “We gonna get a fire goin’ again? I wanna burn hot dogs and marshmallows again. That was fun.”

“Sure I’ll start up a fire, you go find the hot dogs and marshmallows.” Kaylee stretched and tied her hair back in a ponytail.

“Sweet.”

\---

“We did something right, as a species, when we started cooking things over a fire.” Anthony commented as he licked sugar from his fingers. They were all feeling pretty satisfied and filled with sugar, they were so deprived of the stuff in school that even the marshmallows seemed like an overload.

“I’m sure the entirety of surviving human life would agree with you?” Locus snorted and rubbed his hands together to try and rid himself of the sticky feeling. 

“Hot dogs just taste better kinda burnt.” Abbey giggled a little and yawned widely. “Marshmallows too. There’s just something to that layer of charcoal?”

“And the feeling of molten sugar sticking to the roof of your mouth?” Felix snickered. He snuggled back against Locus and sighed, he was up far past when he usually passed out, but the glow of the fire and banned food products made it worthwhile. 

“We should try and get together in the summer sometime and do this. That’s when you’re supposed to roast marshmallows and hot dogs.” Kaylee stretched, groaning slightly as her back popped. “Open fire and summer heat and bugs flying all over the place. Somewhere on a beach would be fun.”

“Ugh, bugs.” Anthony wrinkled his nose. “If we do that I’m bringing the heaviest bug-spray I can. So done with bugs.”

“Everything smelling like bug-spray and sunscreen is part of the charm.” Kaylee waved a hand to dismiss his protest. “You’re sticky and smell funny, but so full of beer and s’mores it doesn’t matter. We’re definitely getting together this summer. Celebrating adulthood sunburnt and hungover.”

“We’ll bring coke for you, Locs.” Felix grinned and patted Locus’ cheek before he could protest. “You can ride gloriously into adulthood on a sugar high.”

“I’m technically already an adult…” Locus murmured.

“But like… no-longer-at-high-school adult. It’s different. I’ve never been to a beach I wanna go it sounds fun.”

“Lotta stuff you never did before, huh?” Abbey asked, taking a drink of coke and not looking at him.

“Lotta stuff I have done, too.” Felix clicked his tongue. “I got life experiences you wouldn’t believe. I don’t even think I have a gag reflex anymore.”

“Ugh, _Felix_.” Abbey groaned and wrinkled her nose. “Gross.”

“You’re just saying that because you prefer eating out.” Felix grinned and clicked his tongue again. Abbey hit him with a pillow.

“ _Asshole_.”

“Seriously, you all knew that. I don’t know why people keep saying it like it’s a surprise.”


	9. Making Traditions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Felix tends to raise questions

“ _How_.” Kaylee stood at the base of the stairs, still in pyjamas with her hair in pigtails, looking thoroughly unimpressed. “How are you awake. You went to bed at the same time as the rest of us.”

Felix shrugged as he flipped the pancakes he had cooking. “Magic. Also possibly habit? Or it’s a problem. I don’t know I’ll probably pass out in like three hours to be fair…”

Locus made a disgruntled noise from where he was still lying on the air mattress, face down in a pillow pretending he could possibly get a little more sleep.

“What is it with you and pancakes?” Kaylee muttered as she shuffled to the table and filled herself a plate.

“They’re relatively quiet and kinda fun? Plus then there are pancakes.” Felix made a face and watched the pancakes cook before finally scooping them up onto a plate. “Gotta do something when I wake up. Lying in bed playing the quiet game is…”

There was an uncomfortable moment of silence as Felix struggled to come up with a way to finish the sentence. It would be really easy to just say ‘boring’ and be done with it, but so many other things threatened to tumble out instead.

“I got too much energy for that. Plus it pisses off Locus.” Felix’s grin was a little forced, but he laughed when Locus made another disgruntled noise and rolled over on the mattress.

“The amount of energy you have in the morning continues to be inhuman.” Locus grumbled as he slowly pushed himself up.

“Oh shut up and come have some pancakes. They have real sugar in them. And Kaylee’s parents stock real maple syrup.” Felix flipped off Locus and leaned his hip against the counter.

“Real sugar does make it being 9am easier to tolerate.” Locus rubbed his eyes and found his way to a chair.

“Real sugar makes a lot of things easier to tolerate.” Kaylee agreed. “Sometimes I forget how much I miss the real world, and then I remember sugar exists.”

“To have pudding with sugar in it instead of… whatever artificial low-fat sugar replacement bullshit they put in the stuff at school.” Felix sighed whimsically. 

“That’s right you only ate pudding for like the first few months you were at Charon.” Kaylee made a face and pointed her fork at Felix. “That was super weird. What the fuck was that? You were like 100lbs soaking wet?”

Felix wrinkled his nose and shrugged. “I wasn’t real good at food for a while. Besides Charon food is kind garbage half the time.”

“Somehow I feel like you wouldn’t have looked like a life support patient if you were just a picky eater.” Kaylee’s eyebrows rose skeptically.

“I wasn’t that… I mean I was probably that bad… whatever.” Felix waved his hand. “Now I’m the one making pancakes. It doesn’t matter.”

Felix did his best to ignore the _look_ Kaylee gave him as he finished off another pan of cakes. First Abbey the night before now this, seemed like it was ‘poke your nose in Felix’s business’ time this Christmas. Great.

“Take the jam and stop looking at me like I’m solvable.” Felix set the jar on the table in front of Kaylee and walked to pour Locus a cup of coffee. 

“Sometimes it really seems funny that you ended up the domestic one out of all of us.” Abbey shuffled from the bottom of the stairs still rubbing sleep out of her eyes.

“I’m not--” Felix looked at the cup in his hand and the plate of pancakes he’d set out. “They’re useful life skills. You don’t just move out without knowing how to cook.” 

Locus took the cup when Felix offered it and watched him with a neutral expression.

“Actually I think a lot of people do. You know, and then just live off ramen and mac and cheese.” Kaylee shrugged and cut a slice of pancake.

“I thought that was just because everyone’s poor.” Felix shrugged and dropped into a place at the table. “I think the real question is why none of you have learned to cook yet.”

Kaylee shrugged. “I’m living at home a few more years, figuring shit out, I can take some cooking classes and be fine.”

“I’m learning a little when I see my mom.” Abbey protested a little. “But yeah, I’m gonna be living at home a while too, so there’s more time.”

“I guess the ‘get a place as soon as we graduate’ plan changes a couple things.” Felix chewed his thumbnail as he thought about it. “Doesn’t explain why _you_ haven’t learned, Locs.”

“Well…” Locus said slowly, looking up from his coffee. “You’ve kind of got it covered.”

Felix grinned, after all the fuss Locus had made over Felix’s plans for them to be together still after graduation it was so comforting to hear him talk about it. Felix had been worrying that Locus wasn’t interested anymore, was playing nice, maybe he was planning to break up with him after grad. It was a little funny how one groggy sentence could set him at ease. “Yeah guess I do.”

“Ugh you guys are so married.” Kaylee rolled her eyes and got up to get her own cup of coffee.

“We aren’t even graduated yet. Settle down.” Felix shook his head. “Only idiots get married immediately out of high school.”

“Harsh.” Abbey raised an eyebrow. 

“We’re teenagers. In general all we do is make bad decisions.” Felix shrugged a little. “Marriage is a thing for like… when we’re not fucked up stress monsters.”

Locus nodded solemnly, “if we haven’t killed each other by our early twenties, maybe.”

Felix squawked a little and went red, Kaylee burst out laughing. 

“Well so long as you remember to invite us.” Abbey grinned at Felix, watching him flounder for words with glee.

“We’d just crash it otherwise. And then where would you be? All gussied up and your delinquent past shows up to the ceremony.” Kaylee snickered and set her mug down on the table and messed up Felix’s hair.

“We are not-- we are still--” Felix hissed and swatted at her hands. “I want a divorce.”

Locus chuckled softly and reached over to smooth Felix’s hair back again. “I thought you wanted to be my housewife.”

Felix groaned and covered his face with his hands. “How am I having this conversation? How are you having this conversation? Drink your coffee. You need to get your shame back.”

\---

“Is there a thing people are supposed to do on Christmas Eve?” Felix lounged across Locus’ lap, the group having set up a game on the floor to have enough space. 

“What do you mean?” Abbey set her room tile in place and looked up at him. “Like parties?”

“Is that what you’re supposed to do? Party?” Felix scratched his chin and looked over rooms they’d set up already. 

“Well my parents always have a party. It’s a big dumb thing. My mom stresses for like three days getting all the food ready so she can have a housemaker dick measuring contest with everyone else.” Kaylee rolled her eyes and mapped out the steps of her piece. “It’s _such_ a relief not to be there right now.”

“So it’s a big party night? Is that like what everyone does?” Felix stretched and rolled to sit up properly so he could move his own piece.

“Why, didn’t your family have a thing?” Anthony asked with a yawn.

“Nope.” Felix shrugged, then realised Kaylee was giving him a look again. “Holidays weren’t super big in my family, most of my relatives don’t live here.” It was true enough, even if it wasn’t the real reason.

“Christmas Eve’s kinda like… a non-holiday. Like it’s pretty family tradition stuff, parties are pretty common ‘cause Christmas Day’s supposed to be all about family and junk.” Abbey shrugged a little. “So Christmas Eve’s just kinda an excuse. It’s not really a holiday so much as a day before a holiday where everyone likes to get drunk.”

Felix hummed thoughtfully as he considered that. “Makes sense I guess, people always like an excuse to get drunk.”

“If you didn’t have parties or gatherings or anything what _did_ you do on Christmas with your family?” Abbey tilted her head curiously.

“Eh, sleep probably. My mom definitely got drunk, but nothing special. That’s why I was curious if there was like… something you were _supposed_ to do.” Felix scratched the back of his neck. “We were really not holiday people.”

Locus rested a hand on the small of Felix’s back and Felix was both grateful for the grounding and very conscious of how obvious it made things to everyone else. He shouldn’t have brought it up, it raised too many questions for people, but Felix had been genuinely curious. A lot of holidays had special traditions that everyone followed, a _way_ things were supposed to go. This was only Felix’s third Christmas, he didn’t have enough information to judge what was tradition.

“Well, movies and eggnog is a pretty good stand-in for a show off party.” Kaylee shrugged. “So long as we watch the Grinch we’ve officially completed the Christmas Eve ritual. Maybe Charlie Brown.”

“Mm the classics. No Rudolf?” Anthony grinned at Kaylee.

“Ugh old-fashioned stop-motion. That shit is the stuff of nightmares.” Kaylee shuddered. 

“What?” Felix snorted. “There’s something the mighty Kaylee is actually afraid of? Now we have to watch it.”

“Absolutely not. You can watch that horror show all on your own. I want nothing to do with it.” Kaylee shook her head. 

“So I’m guessing Jack Frost is off the list, too?” Abbey giggled.

“So off the list. None of that garbage. Stop motion now is creepy enough, the old shit was so jerky. Ugh. It’s so wrong.” 

Felix laughed and leaned his head on Locus’ shoulder, he didn’t know what Kaylee was talking about but it was funny watching the usually calm, cool Kaylee get creeped out.

“Well we should make something like this a tradition, then. If you can make up traditions.” Felix grinned. “I mean even if we can’t use the cabin, like… you all just come over to Locus and my place and we do shit. Get drunk and play board games or whatever.”

“Sounds good to me.” Anthony shrugged. “Better than the family gatherings, right?”

“So much better.” Abbey shook her head. “I mean generally anything but sitting at the kid’s table while the adults pretend to be having fun, but drunk boardgames sounds like a lot of fun.”

“I like the idea of spending Christmas Eve with friends.” Locus nodded. “And making our own traditions, that’s how you start these things, isn’t it?”

“Yup, you just start doing it every year. Now we’ve already got two down, it may as well just be our tradition. Just promise me there will never, ever, be a pissing contest over stuffed mushrooms.” Kaylee drawled slightly.

“Do I want to know?” Felix raised an eyebrow.

“Housewife battles. Sweet merciful Christ, the housewife battles. Everything’s an ego fight.” Kaylee groaned. “Everybody’s competing with everyone else over who keeps the best home, makes the best food, raised the best children. And my mom has to make up for the delinquent daughter so it’s… stressful.”

“Sounds fun. I don’t think I have any idea how stuffed mushrooms would work so don’t worry about it, I promise not to get in an ego war about housekeeping either. We’ve yet to keep a house so I have no idea how that’s gonna go down?” Felix furrowed his brow and looked up at Locus who shrugged a little.

“I’m pretty sure we’ll figure it out.” Locus offered. “Washing dishes and sweeping isn’t that hard.”

“We can totally figure out laundry.”

“Dusting. We can probably handle dusting.”

“Oh, yeah I forgot dusting. We’ll do that.”

Abbey snorted then burst out laughing as Felix and Locus tried to set up a plan. “Have you never done housework before?”

“I’ve been in Charon a long time, but I do remember chores.” Locus nodded thoughtfully.

“Nah.” Felix shrugged. “I mean we cleaned up the hotel we stayed at. But like… nah.”

“The more you talk about your life the less it makes sense.” Anthony wrinkled his nose and shook his head. 

“I’m a weird kid, what can I say?” Felix held his hands out in defeat. “I mean I’m pretty sure _that_ was never in question. Most kids didn’t almost lose their eye in a knife fight, so…”

“That doesn’t mean I’ve never been in a knife fight. I just didn’t lose.” Kaylee pointed at him defensively.

“I didn’t _lose_.” Felix objected. “I just was temporarily delayed in victory.”

“Mm.”

\---

“Felix.” Locus murmured as they curled up on the air mattress, ready to go to sleep.

“Mmrr?” Felix made a noise against Locus’ shoulder and shifted to pay attention.

“I was joking, kind of, about being married.” Locus wrapped an arm around Felix’s shoulders and gave him a little squeeze. “I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable about that. But I don’t… want you to think I don’t want to be with you, either.”

Felix took a second the puzzle through the comment, he wasn’t as good in the evenings as everyone else was. “I’m not… like, I’m not uncomfortable. It just seems like a lot, like… we’ve been together a while, but not _together_ together. You mean a lot to me an’ I wanna spend more time together but… like marriage is too much right now. I’m not sayin’ I don’t wanna be with you I just… like marriage, you know? It’s too much to think about right now.”

“Yeah, I know… I’d like it if we were still together in our twenties. If we could talk about it then.” Locus mused. “I want to be with you for the foreseeable future.”

“Me too. But I don’t want to think… making it a contract makes it weird. I just wanna be us, not… like. Ugh.” Felix rubbed his face against Locus’ shoulder and tried to sort himself out. “I wanna be serious, but not _stupid_. Talking about marriage in high school? That’s… that’s weird. That’s too much, we’re too dumb to be dealing with that right now. I wanna be more stable when it comes to decisions like that.”

“I think… I think that’s wise.” Locus nodded. “I mean that in… legitimately wise. Everything’s in flux right now. We shouldn’t think about throwing in serious changes until we have a normal.”

“Mm.” Felix yawned widely and leaned up to kiss Locus’ cheek. “I wanna have normal with you. That sounds so much better than a wedding, let’s just do normal.”

“Normal’s good. We’ll do that.” Locus ran his fingers lightly through Felix’s hair and smiled as he watched Felix relax against his side.

“Now I need to sleep. And you need to sleep. Sleep needs to happen.” Felix mumbled into Locus’ shoulder. “No more weird serious future talk. Only sleep.”

“And you call me a zombie.” Locus snorted.

“It is sleep time. Shhh.”


	10. Christmas Morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Presents and assholes

Locus woke up when Felix sat on him, making a surprised and disgruntled noise as he moved some inane dream to being definitely solidly awake. He squinted up at his boyfriend and wondered if he could just hit Felix with a pillow and go back to sleep. But Felix was grinning widely and doing a horrible job of not bouncing while also sitting on Locus’ hips. Which needed to not happen in Kaylee’s cabin if they were going to be good guests and follow all the rules. He grumbled slightly and pushed Felix off a little as he sat up. “What. Are you doing?”

“It’s Christmas.” Felix announced with a grin. Briefly Locus remembered two years ago when the idea of celebrating Christmas had panicked Felix so badly he’d run off for most of the day. This year he was filled with the manic giddy energy Felix usually saved for new experiences. Maybe that made sense though, most people didn’t really get to remember their third Christmas, it was still novel to Felix.

“What time is it?” Locus rubbed his eyes and grumbled, catching as Felix’s enthusiasm could be it rarely really made up for lack of sleep.

“Nine.” Felix shrugged and rolled off the air mattress to bounce over to their suitcase, he was already dressed and was wearing last years Christmas sweater, and he tossed a similar outfit over to Locus.

Locus stared at the brightly coloured sweater for a long moment as he digested the information. “In the morning.”

“No, at night, you missed the whole day.” Felix stuck out his tongue. “I’ve been waiting _hours_ already. You can sleep tomorrow. When it’s not Christmas.” 

Locus blinked slowly, then sighed. Felix didn’t have a point, exactly, just because Felix was incapable of sleeping in didn’t mean everyone had to wake up for him. But it seemed pointless to argue that, Felix _did_ do his best to be quiet most of the time when Locus was asleep in the mornings. At least for a few hours. “How do you plan on getting Anthony out of bed?”

“Ehhhh Abbey can handle it.” Felix shrugged and set mugs on the table as the coffee maker beeped. “She woke him up last year. I’m sure she won’t mind doing it again.”

Locus nodded slowly and began working on changing into his clothes, which at least involved far fewer buttons than his school uniform. Felix ran to the stairs, practically skipped, it was good to see him happy like this. Everything had been clouded over with stress and tension for the past… maybe months? Locus winced a little as he realised that. It had been his own fault, he had been the one who was tense and angry and stressed, and it had been affecting his relationship with Felix. Affecting Felix. As if Felix needed something more to worry about, and Locus was just being a surly argumentative asshole. It hurt as he realised how long it had been since he’d seen Felix happy like this. It wasn’t a common occurrence, sure, but there was a lot Locus could have done to help Felix light up. Instead all he’d done was let Felix get dull and tired.

He resolved to work on it, however difficult that would be with finals creeping nearer. It wasn’t Felix’s fault that Locus wasn’t doing as well as he wanted to be doing. Felix was doing as much as he could to be supportive, it wasn’t his fault it wasn’t _enough_. Resenting Felix for something that was other people’s fault was unfair. He was going to make a concentrated effort to be better, he valued his relationship with Felix too much to let SAT stress break it apart.

He was pouring himself a cup of coffee when Abbey bounded down the stairs in her pyjamas and ran to the door to grab a ball of snow from outside. 

“Good to see you’re all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning.” She grinned when she spotted Locus.

“I never understood that saying.” Locus mumbled as he took his first sip of coffee. 

“I dunno I guess squirrels are early risers or something?” Abbey shrugged and patted down her snowball for a second. “Well, be right back.”

“Right.” Locus watched her bounce back up the stairs and sipped his coffee, shortly after there was a shriek from upstairs and Locus could hear Felix cackling.

It was only a little while after that that they were all gathered in front of the fire drinking their coffee and wearing their Christmas sweaters.

“Y’all can just shake me or something next time. Stop throwin’ ice at me.” Anthony grumbled and yawned as he sprawled on the floor.

“I’ve tried shaking you before, you swat me away and go back to sleep.” Abbey stuck her tongue out at him. “Ice works.”

“You guys are assholes, just so you know.” Anthony rolled his eyes.

“Alright, alright. Here have your present and stop complaining.” Felix slid a box across the floor to Anthony.

Anthony sighed heavily and made a show of sitting up properly before tearing the paper off of the gift. “Dead of Winter?”

Felix shrugged, “I was looking through the games and this one looked cool. I think we can only play Betrayal so many times before you all kill me for real.”

“Well maybe if you stopped _winning_.” Anthony grumbled and flipped the game to read the box.

“Winning is my natural state of being, I can’t help it.” Felix shrugged with a grin.

Both Locus and Kaylee snorted at the same time. Locus tried to cover it with a sip of coffee as Felix glared at both of them.

“Anyway.” Locus coughed and rooted through his pile of gifts to toss one to Anthony, avoiding looking at Felix’s pout. “You can open this one too.”

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except bears, bears kill you.” Anthony snorted as he shook out the t-shirt. “I have the most sarcastic wardrobe thanks to you guys, you know that?”

“Shirts are kind of a theme.” Kaylee nodded thoughtfully as she glanced at her own pile of gifts.

“Because we can actually own them at school?” Abbey offered.

“Probably. It’s hard to shop around going to school.” Felix sighed, then threw a gift at Abbey.

She giggled and caught the bundle, unwrapping it to find a handful of colourful socks. Stripey and rainbow knee-highs, and fuzzy short socks with bee stripes or ladybug spots. She cooed softly and looked them over. “Oooh these are so cute!”

“There is no _official_ rule on socks for the uniform. I checked.” Felix grinned.

“Oh I am so wearing rainbows to class. Mr Mack can just kiss my ass.” Abbey grinned, then pulled the bumblebee socks on as they were sitting there. 

“Mr Mack would like that. Mr Mack is going to retire in the back of a police car.” Felix rolled his eyes.

“Ew. Probably.” Kaylee wrinkled her nose at the thought. “Such a pleasant thought for Christmas morning.”

Felix shrugged and accepted the box Kaylee handed over. “Well you know I like to keep it classy around here.” He laughed as he peeled away the paper to find two smaller boxes inside the first box. First had perfectly rectangular salt and pepper shakers, white for salt and black for pepper, the second was a cream and sugar set shaped like little cartons. “Ooo.”

“Figured you’d appreciate some practicality right now.” Kaylee shrugged. “And we all know the rate you assholes go through coffee you need the proper accompaniments.”

“Aww, you big softy. Catch.” Felix tossed her gift at her in return.

True to trend it was a t-shirt, featuring a large heart within which was the sentence ‘I tolerate you’. “We really do have a t-shirt problem around here.” But she grinned a little and held it up to her chest.

“Not like we don’t need clothes. I mean we wear uniforms 95% of our lives, we may as well live it up a little where we can.” Felix shrugged. “And by live it up I mean wear t-shirts that say things that annoy our teachers.”

“Fair enough.” Kaylee nodded.

“On that note, Locus, catch.” Anthony tossed another soft t-shirt-esque package over to Locus.

Locus smiled as he opened it and shook his head, he was just going to have to accept this was his lot in life. “Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee, and then still don’t talk to me.”

“I thought encapsulates both your love of caffeine and disdain for most of humanity.” Anthony smirked a little.

“Thank you.” Locus nodded. “I appreciate that this joke has not died and seems unlikely to do so any time soon.”

“Maybe when you start functioning before your second cup of coffee we’ll let it slide.” Anthony snickered.

“Here.” Abbey grinned broadly and handed Locus her gift to him, and burst into giggles at his defeated expression when he opened it to find a bag of coffee and a card congratulating him on his coffee subscription. “Thought you’d find it handy.”

“Thanks ever so.” Locus sighed and looked over the coffee in his hand, at least this bag seemed to be _normal_ coffee. Hazelnut flavoured, but not strong enough to strip paint or anything like that. Though he had appreciated the kick those coffees had offered. “Though really, this will be very nice to get updates on. Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it. Gotta keep you running somehow.” Abbey beamed and squeaked when Kaylee handed her a humongous package. She couldn’t wrap her arms around it and boggled over opening it a moment. “Kaylee! How did you hide this on the ride up here?”

“Shut up and open your present, leave me with my secrets.” Kaylee smirked a little.

Abbey snorted and tore away the paper to find a very large stuffed animal… or s’more actually. Locus raised an eyebrow as Abbey squealed and hugged it. It had a face.

“It’s so cute!! Thank you Kaylee!” Abbey grinned and settled so she could continue with the presents while wrapping her arms around the giant stuffed s’more.

“That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen.” Felix raised an eyebrow, and Locus couldn’t help but agree with that.

“It’s also adorable. You don’t have to like it, I like it enough for all of us.” Abbey stuck her nose up and gave the s’more a little squeeze.

“You’re almost eighteen, right?” Felix grinned at her and she stuck out her tongue.

“Oh like you’re the expert in maturity.” Abbey poked around her pile of gifts and slid one across to Felix.

“Of course, can’t you tell?” Felix stuck his tongue out too, but peeled the paper away to reveal a set of glasses with the Hogwarts house sigils on them. “Oooo!”

“See? So mature.” Abbey laughed.

“Harry Potter is totally mature and cool, shut your muggle face.” Felix laughed and looked the glasses over, then nudged Locus. “Wasn’t I sayin’ we just needed to pick up glasses last week?”

“It’s certainly a very useful gift.” Locus nodded and leaned to kiss Felix’s temple lightly.

“Thank you, Abbey. They are very useful, and also totally awesome.” Felix grinned.

“Here.” Kaylee tossed Locus a gift that felt suspiciously like another t-shirt.

“I thought you were complaining about the t-shirts.” Locus mused as he opened the wrapping.

“Yeah well. They have a point, there isn’t a lot we can keep at school.” Kaylee shrugged.

Locus unfolded the shirt and sighed, “I’d rather be sleeping.”

“I’m pretty sure most of the time that’s true.” Felix snickered and poked him teasingly.

Locus made a face before finally admitting, “Yeah kind of.”

Locus set the t-shirt down and then found a package to hand to Abbey. It was a stripey bumblebee hoodie, sort of to go with the socks Felix had bought her. They had at least inspired him to get it.

“Aww! This is so cute! I love it.” Abbey giggled and looked the hoodie over a moment before setting it aside and handing Anthony a gift.

“I’m lazy, make Karma do it.” Anthony snorted as tore the t-shirt out of the wrapping paper. “Very nice.”

“I thought it was fitting.” Abbey smiled.

Anthony slid a present to Felix who opened it to find a set of kitchen tools, spatula spoons and various other tools to prepare food.

“I’m… sensing a theme here.” Felix looked at the gifts sitting in front of him.

“You have spent the past few weeks fretting about what practical housewarming style gift you should get Locus.” Kaylee snorted.

“ _I_ do not fret. You must have me confused with someone else. I definitely don’t _fret_.” Felix sniffed and turned his nose up indignantly, Locus reached over and messed up his hair. “Hey!”

“It’s all going to be very useful.” Locus pointed out.

“Yeah. I would have needed all of this, it’s. It’s actually all really great. Thank you guys.” Felix’s grin was just the slightest bit wobbly. Locus doubted the others would realise how emotional Felix was to be showing that much to the group of them. He reached to wrap an arm around his shoulders and hug him close. Felix leaned into the hug and slowly relaxed.

As they had their moment Kaylee handed Anthony a gift that turned out to be a mug shaped like Cthulhu. Anthony laughed and thanked Kaylee as he looked it over, then handed Abbey another large looking packages which turned out to be an extremely large set of gel pens.

“What?” Abbey laughed as she looked at them all.

“You were saying you wanted to get back to the roots of your art, what better than scribbling in your notes with gel pens?” Anthony grinned slyly as Abbey swatted his shoulder.

“Maybe I will. It’s been forever since I seen gel pens. This is wild.”

As Abbey was gushing a little Locus handed Kaylee her gift, which was an argyle sweater in various shades of pink. “I’m not as good at finding sarcastic shirts it seems.”

Kaylee smiled a little and looked over the sweater. “It’s still nice, even if it doesn’t tell people to fuck off. My parents might actually approve of me wearing this.”

“Well at least there’s that.” Locus said dryly and Kaylee snorted.

“Really, I like it. I can’t just have a wardrobe of witty t-shirts.” 

“I think Anthony does.” Locus pointed out.

“Anthony’s a little shit and doesn’t care about _image_.” Kaylee smirked as Anthony flipped her off.

“Here, have your dumb t-shirt.” Anthony threw his gift at her. 

“You’re not supposed to tell me what it is, you’ll spoil the surprise.” Kaylee drawled as she opened the package. The t-shirt inside said ‘whatever I’ll just date myself.’

“Yeah I’m sure you didn’t guess it beforehand.” Anthony shook his head.

Abbey handed Kaylee a small package which she opened to reveal a set of lipsticks in varying shades of red. Apparently they were good lipsticks because Kaylee gasped with delight, possibly the most emotional reaction Locus had seen her display.

“You know, since we can wear makeup this year.” Abbey said, and Locus had to wonder if that meant she had been wearing makeup all along and he hadn’t noticed, she said it like she also wore makeup. If she did she definitely didn’t wear it as dramatically as Kaylee.

“These are great, I’ll get to cycle through them all week, too. Thank you.” Kaylee hugged Abbey tight then plucked a lipstick out of the box to look at the bright red colour of it.

“Here.” Felix handed Locus a small gift with a grin.

“I thought we already exchanged gifts.” Locus frowned as he took the present.

“We did, this is just dumb.” 

Locus tore open the wrapping paper to find a figure of a small purple man in the fetal position. “What…”

“It’s a stress ball. Try not to wear it out in a week, okay?” Felix snickered and Locus sighed and rolled his eyes, but gave the stress ball a little squeeze. If nothing else it would improve his grip.

\---

Christmas dinner went perfectly, nothing burnt and nothing raw, though Felix thought maybe the turkey wasn’t as good as it could have been. He wished he could practice this sort of thing to get it perfect before he had to demonstrate it for his friends. When he had his own home and his own kitchen he was gonna make sure anything he cooked for guests was goddamn masterful. Even if he had promised not to get stressed about stuffed mushrooms he was going to find out whatever the fuck stuffed mushrooms were and he was going to make some fucking _amazing_ stuffed mushrooms.

And he _could_ , he realised. He would have a home he would be freely allowed to explore, and the ability to do things he liked. He could practice a skill, one that could spread out and be messy and take up space. He knew realistically any apartment he and Locus got it would be small, but anything was bigger than his closet. 

He would have space, and _things_. It seemed so remarkable, but as everyone was settling in for the night he looked over his gifts and realised he had part of a home right there. He had wanted to get Locus the perfect start to a home, and here the others had given him the next step. 

“Hey.” Locus announced himself before placing his hand at the small of Felix’s back. “How are you doing?”

Felix had missed this, had missed Locus calm and steady in his life. He didn’t blame Locus for being stressed, but it felt like everything was a mess when _Locus_ couldn’t hold it together. Locus, Mr Perfect, couldn’t handle things, how could he? Felix, the walking disaster? It was so, _so_ nice to feel that balance again, even if it was just going to be for Christmas. That was good enough, he would treasure having that moment of peace for Christmas.

“Yeah, I’m uh…” Felix bounced on the balls of his feet and looked around, the others had all gone to their respective rooms. “We’re gonna have a home, y’know? Like… these are real pieces. We got the real pieces of a real home, y’know?”

“Yeah.” Locus leaned in and kissed Felix’s temple lightly. “We’re going to have a home. A real home. One that stays, and is safe.”

“Safe” Felix echoed softly, his chest hurt with how _much_ that word meant. Somewhere to be safe. Actually safe, for once in his life, besides at Locus’ side. “I want to be safe.”

“You will be safe.” Locus said steadily and pulled him close. “You will have a home that is a sanctuary, not a prison.”

Felix closed his eyes and tried to picture it. “I don’t even know what that’ll be like.”

“We’ll figure it out.”

“Yeah… yeah, we’ll figure it out.”


	11. Happy Birthday

“Why don’t we go for a walk?” Seemed like a pretty basic question, so long as they didn’t wander too far due to possibility of snowstorms Felix was all for exploring. He bundled up in his coat and followed Locus out of the house to trudge through the snow. There was already a few more inches on the ground since they’d gotten there. Sometimes Felix had trouble sleeping listening to the wind whip around the house, he could understand why horror stories took place on stormy nights. There was something haunting about the way the wind sounded, especially with no large buildings to slow it down.

The snow drifts were beautiful, though. Like sand dunes made of snow everything had these strange soft angles and ridges and secretly Felix felt a little like he was inside a painting. A cold painting. 

He blew on his hands and grinned as they followed a trail along the property, keeping in mind the not-too-far rule. 

“It’s so wild out here.” Felix grinned as he looked around, the sun was so amazingly bright reflected off the snow. “It’s gotta look so crazy when all those trees are full of leaves, it’s such a thick woods.”

“It would probably be good to walk in, shade despite the heat.” Locus commented and wrapped an arm around Felix’s shoulder. Locus seemed fond of that gesture lately, holding Felix close whenever he could. Felix wasn’t about to complain, he liked the feeling of Locus steady against him. 

“Man that sounds cool. But also that beach idea Kaylee brought up? I hope we can do that this summer. It sounds so fun.” Felix laughed. “I wanna see a bonfire. _That_ sounds like a great time. Maybe we can symbolically burn our uniforms.”

“That seems like a waste…” Locus furrowed his brow slightly as they turned around the bend to head back to the cabin. 

“We already paid for them, and it’s not like I’m planning on wearing it ever again. It’s not exactly something you keep around to brag about.” Felix wrinkled his nose. “I think burning them would be soothing. Just let it all go up in flames. Fuck Charon may we never return.”

“I guess that’s true… I don’t really need to be reminded for the rest of my life I went to _Charon_.” Locus frowned a little. “Burning it all would erase at least some of the evidence.”

“See! All kinds of benefits. And then we roast marshmallows on their smoldering remains.” Felix cackled. “Come this summer we’ll never have to worry about Charon again. It’ll be amazing.”

“It will be. And if I get into college… well everyone says it’s stressful, but I think it will be a very different kind of stressful.” 

“More ‘oh god this essay is due in three hours’ and less ‘if I go down the wrong hallway I’ll get jumped by a mob’?”

“I… don’t generally get jumped by people.” Locus admitted. “But being able to go where I want, and hopefully having teachers of some actual quality…”

“Freedom makes all the difference.” Felix nodded sagely. “Can you believe I used to think Charon was really open and free? You could wander the whole school. I mean I’m a tiny shitlord so I absolutely get jumped by mobs of people for going down the wrong halls, but I could still explore it! And now I’m looking forward to having the whole city.”

“We should teach you how to drive…” Locus mused softly.

“Oooh, yes totally. Then I really will be free to go anywhere. We can probably figure a car or two into the budget when we start planning downpayments on apartments and your college payments.” Felix licked his lips and considered it.

“We took a _lot_ of money from your mom, and I can still get student loans. I think we can probably find a way to pay for a couple cars.” Locus shook his head. He seemed to be getting over the fact that Felix had stolen their money from his mother. Hopefull he was coming to see that they deserved it much more than her, and it would make their lives much _much_ easier.

“Yeah I guess we did, and we still got a bunch. One benefit to Charon is we don’t get a chance to spend a lot of money so it just sits in savings accounts.” 

“So our spending plan is apartment, then bed, then car?” Locus smiled a little.

“Then big screen tv.” Felix laughed. “I’ll get a job as soon as I can so we’re not just depending on that cash, too. That should make it stretch out even longer.”

“I think we’re going to be alright.” 

“Yeah. Totally. We’re gonna be awesome!”

Felix stomped his feet as they got back to the cabin and opened the door. He froze when he stepped inside and scowled.

“Happy Birthday.” Locus said softly as he came in behind him. On the table was a frosted cake with Felix’s name on it, and a handful of wrapped presents. Kaylee, Abbey, and Anthony were standing in the kitchen and waved him over.

“Happy birthday, asshole!” Anthony called. 

Abbey giggled and pulled Felix over to the table, and he stumbled after her still shocked and unsure. 

“Why didn’t you tell us it was your birthday before?” Abbey scolded. “We coulda done something last year too.”

Felix blinked, and didn’t know how to explain that he didn’t know it was his birthday until last year. Hell he didn’t know it was his birthday this year. He was so used to it being just another day that he’d forgotten it was the 28th. “Uh.”

Locus helped him out of his coat and took it away, and Felix struggled to get his sense of reality back. He’d thrown a mini-party for Locus, it wasn’t like he didn’t know what a birthday party was. But the idea of having one for _himself_ was so utterly foreign. 

“Wake up, dreamer. You in there?” Kaylee waved a hand in front of Felix’s face and he jumped.

“Yeah! Uh… yeah. I’m. Wow, you guys set this all up?” Felix fidgeted and looked over the table set up. The cake was home made, uneven chocolate frosting and wobbly orange lettering. ‘Happy Birthday Felix’. It was probably stupid he never expected this. It was definitely stupid he hadn’t expected this. Had he mentioned to them when his birthday was? Was this Locus’ doing? Normal friends threw birthday parties, probably. He’d never thrown one for the other three. Did he know when exactly their birthdays were? This had to be Locus’ doing.

“Yeah. Why so dazed man?” Anthony raised an eyebrow as he leaned against a chair. “Is it secretly nap time?”

“No. I. This is awesome. Thank you. I just… I wasn’t expecting anything.” Felix stammered and let himself be sat down in the chair, he realised he was shaking and did his best to hide that. It was absolutely definitely ridiculous to get this worked up over cake. Was there an understandable reason to be panicking over this? No. Nothing he could think of. This was a positive thing that should inspire positive emotions. 

So why the fuck did he want to run and hide?

“Felix?” Locus set a hand gently on his shoulder and Felix stared up at him for a long moment, completely at a loss for what to do. 

He was definitely having a freak out over cake. This was surreal. He felt like he was having a panic attack and it didn’t make any sense. His chest hurt and breathing was hard, everything was blending together as his vision lost focus, he couldn’t hide his shaking anymore and he found himself curling up as he hissed air through his teeth, trying so hard not to hyperventilate. This was too public, too much, too in front of everyone. This was so stupid. So _so_ stupid. How the fuck was he having an attack over _cake_? This wasn’t a trigger. Ross hadn’t done anything like this to make it a trigger. No one had done this. He’d never ever had a birthday celebrated like this before. 

The others were talking and Felix was pretty sure Locus was keeping them from crowding him as Felix gave up and started gasping for air so hard his throat hurt. His chest hurt so much, his head was spinning, he thought probably his eyes were watering. Locus eased him out of the chair and onto to floor, and wrapped his arms around Felix, warm and secure. Locus meant safe, right? There was no danger. There was nothing wrong. This was so _stupid_.

It seemed like time slowed to a crawl as he forced himself to breathe and shook in Locus’ arms. He was painfully aware of the others watching him, that he’d just had a nervous fucking breakdown because they’d thrown him a birthday party. The idea of it kept feeding into his panic, every time he thought maybe it would pass he remembered he was making an ass of himself and felt sick all over again. It took so long to wind down, until he was finally breathing normal, he could finally think however sluggishly. He felt burnt out, he always felt burnt out after an attack. He’d been doing so _good_. He hadn’t had one for weeks. And they were supposed to come from _triggers_. Not things like this. Not… he should be happy.

He leaned back into Locus’ arms and closed his eyes, wishing he could make the situation go away if he just kept his eyes closed and listened to Locus’ heartbeat.

When he finally did open his eyes everyone else was sitting on the floor too. No one looked upset, but they did look confused and _concerned_. The concern seemed so close to pity, it made Felix want to give up. He scrubbed his face with his hands and rubbed away the tears. 

“Fuck.” Was all he could think of to say, but it seemed to signal that he was back.

“You alright?” Locus asked, his voice low.

“No. Yeah. I think?” Felix shrank in his arms and sighed shakily. “Fuck.”

“Can we ask what happened?” Kaylee asked, her voice was as soft as Felix had ever heard it. It felt awful that he’d inspired it. He didn’t want to be handled with kid-gloves. He didn’t need his friends tiptoeing around him.

“I don’t know. Fuck I have. I don’t know.” Felix shook his head. “I never had a birthday before this shouldn’t. I mean it can’t be a trigger, right? What the fuck am I seeing shrinks for.”

It took him a long moment to realise what he’d admitted and he covered his face with his hands. 

“Your mom’s not Jehovah’s Witness, right?” Abbey asked slowly.

“No.” Felix sighed heavily and threaded his fingers with Locus’. “She isn’t.”

“There another perfectly reasonable excuse for you having never celebrated anything in your entire life?” Anthony asked.

“No.” Felix closed his eyes and pulled Locus’ arms tighter around him. “My mother’s just a cunt. I _have_ noticed you all trying to inspire me to talk about it, but I’d really rather leave it at _that_. She’s a cunt, she did fucked up things, the end.”

They were quiet a long time before Kaylee sighed and said, “Okay. We’ll leave it at that.”

“Thank you.” Felix sighed and relaxed slowly. “And I really _really_ don’t know what happened. I usually… you know I usually like getting to experience new things.”

“You panicked our first Christmas.” Locus murmured softly. “I should have thought of that.”

“Ugh. That was stupid too.” Felix groaned and shook his head. “I’m just gonna be the fucked up damaged kid for a while, aren’t I?”

“That’s fine.” Abbey smiled a little. “I think we all gotta be a little damaged to be in Charon.”

“By our power combined, we are a mostly functional human being?” Anthony offered.

Felix laughed a little and nodded. “Okay. Teamwork and all that shit, I guess?”

“Do you wanna eat the cake, though?” Anthony asked. “We don’t have to do anything especially celebratory, but we _did_ bake a cake. And it _is_ chocolate. So, you know.”

Felix snorted, “Yeah, we can eat the cake.”

\---

They managed to get Felix to open his gifts too, but it was slow and without any fuss. Felix just barely managed to keep from getting emotional when he unwrapped Anthony’s gift, which was a doormat that just said ‘LEAVE’. It was another reminder that he was going to have a home all his own. Abbey’s gift was a pair of mugs that had the Marauder’s Map, and Mischief Managed on them, and Kaylee had given him a Slytherin watch. Locus had bundled him in an orange and black puffy wool scarf, along with matching hat and gloves, they would go along with his hoodie and Felix loved them. It was all painfully sweet and despite the explosion of emotion that started it off, Felix thought he would probably look back on it fondly. 

The rest of the day had been spent casually on board games, trying out Anthony’s new game and watching shitty action movies. Felix spent most of his time glued to Locus’ side and fell asleep in his arms halfway through the first movie. Attacks were too draining to be reasonable. He woke up just long enough to change into his pyjamas and crawl onto the air mattress with Locus.

“Sorry I freaked out.” He mumbled as he curled up at Locus’ side.

“Sorry I made it a surprise. I should have known better.” Locus stroked Felix’s hair gently.

“It should have been fine. I don’t know what the fuck my brain does half the time.” Felix yawned and nuzzled Locus’ chest. “It was a sweet idea. I appreciate it, even though I freaked out. I was happy after that.”

“Well… next time I’ll let you know in advance.” Locus sighed a little. “Or maybe you’ll remember that it’s your birthday?”

“I barely even had one before, it’s not that weird to forget.” Felix pouted a little.

“You were so excited for Christmas I thought for sure you’d be just as excited about your birthday.”

“ _Everyone_ gets excited about Christmas, it’s easier to get caught up in it. Nobody even knew my birthday until last year.”

“You remember my birthday.”

“Well.” Felix made a face, he couldn’t just say ‘well your birthday is more important’ without sounding clingy, but it was true enough to him. “That’s different.”

“Mmhm.”

“I’ll remember it next year.”

“Good.”

“Next year we can celebrate in our own place. With all our own stuff.” Felix grinned a little.

“Next year we can celebrate somewhere that’s all our own, and you can remember that you’re safe there.” Locus shifted so he could kiss Felix’s forehead.

“Maybe that’ll help the panic attacks. Having a safe place?”

“That would be good.”

“Yeah.” Felix hesitated a moment and pressed his face against Locus’ chest. “Hey Locus. Don’t freak out.”

“Well that’s a good conversation starter.”

“Ha ha. I mean, just… I wanna say. I think I probably maybe love you. So don’t freak out.” Felix chewed his lip. It had taken him so long to settle on whether that was true or not, if he was capable of feeling love. He never had before, he had no baseline to compare it to. But the feelings he had for Locus were so huge and important Felix thought probably they couldn’t be anything else. It had to be love, nothing else could be so _big_. “So… yeah. I love you.”

Locus squeezed him tight and was quiet for a worrying amount of time, but when Felix leaned back to look at him the expression on Locus’ face was so warm and adoring that he felt his heart flutter. He grinned sheepishly and Locus pulled him into a slow kiss. 

“I love you, too.” Locus murmured against Felix’s lips. “Definitely. I definitely love you.”

“Well. Well that’s good.” Felix felt himself giggle a little despite himself and slowly lay back down.


	12. Pointless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Studying, Thinking and fighting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on a little roll! I don't know how long this will last but thank you very much for staying with me despite my choppy update schedule!

New Years passed without any further drama, and swiftly it became time to return to school. There was more dread than usual in the student body as finals loomed over them. 

“I know it’s finals crunch time, but promise me you will still take breaks and go to game night?” Felix scowled at Locus.

Locus sighed and tapped his pen against the desk lightly. “I promise to try. I get… obsessed?” Felix snorted but Locus continued. “I promise I will go to game night and I will try to take breaks now and then?”

“Better.” Felix nodded, “Also no skipping meals. That’s just being an idiot. Don’t skip any more meals.”

“I will attend all meals, and eat in a healthy manner.” Locus half sighed, half laughed. Sometimes it just seemed so ridiculous that Felix was mothering him like this. Mostly it was sweet, as much as it became annoying when it was down to enforcing these rules. 

“Also since I will probably fall asleep too early to enforce it, try and get some sleep. I think you will actually die if you try to survive entirely on caffeine.” Felix sighed and slumped back onto his bunk. “And I will be seriously pissed if you die on me, okay?”

“Okay. I will sleep. And eat. And even brush my teeth.” Locus smirked a little and Felix flipped him off.

“And look both ways when you cross the street.” 

Locus wasn’t sure what he thought would change after he confessed his love for Felix. It was always such a big life-changing moment in movies and novels after all, it seemed like something should shift dramatically now that love was officially on the table. But then again, Locus had been living with being in love for a while. Saying it didn’t change it, besides making it a little more real. Felix continued to be Felix and Locus continued to be Locus. For all the occasional grand gestures, dramatic moments, and sweet nothings they weren’t going to transform into a romance novel. For one thing life didn’t stop after these big moments. A lot of movies ended after the couple say ‘I love you’ finally, credits roll, happily ever after is assumed. Real life kept moving. Real life had finals and SATs and Charon to deal with.

It seemed so strange that on the top of his mind was stress over exams, this should be an important moment in their relationship, right? But it was also such an important moment in life. Here were the exams that would make or break his future. He wished he could be as casual with it as Felix, but he had a drawer full of rejection letters that proved he needed to be impressive this year.

“Locus!” Felix sat up like a spring, grin wide on his face.

“What?” Locus looked back over his shoulder, it figured Felix would manage to be quiet for _almost_ an entire question.

“It’s Valentine’s Day in February.” Felix announced. “We’re an actual for real fucking couple, and it’s gonna be Valentine’s day in like… a month. Month and a half. Give or take.”

Locus snorted, but couldn’t really help smiling fondly at that. It was _completely_ off topic, but it was true. For all that they’d been through together it would be their first Valentine’s day as a couple. “You want to do something?”

“If we can. I mean I don’t know how much we can really get away from the school, but if we can we should totally do an actual mother fucking date. Like if not we’ll set something up here ‘cause… whatever we’ve made do before but…” Felix bounced a little and laughed. “We could scandalise the shit outta some people. Be romantic as fuck.”

“We’ll see if we can get some time, and sign out. We’re both eighteen now, legally our own guardians so we should have a little more leeway on leaving the school.” Locus shrugged a little. 

“Oh shit that’s right I’m eighteen now. There’s way more I’m allowed to do now I’m eighteen. We should totally be able to make a date night then. Even if we gotta be all early and boring to get back before the doors lock.” Felix clapped his hands in triumph.

“You find a restaurant you want to go to. You might have to make reservations. I may have to leave most of it up to you--”

“Yeah yeah you have to be extremely stressed out about final exams. I will take care of everything. Just make me one promise, okay?” 

“What?”

“Never buy me roses.”

\---

It wasn’t that Felix didn’t feel the pressure of the exams himself. He did his best to play it calm but he could feel them coming ever closer every day. He did his best to take that attitude anywhere but his and Locus’ room though. The tiny space was crammed full of tension as it was with Locus summarising and re-summarising his notes, working on practice exams, and reading through example essays. It didn’t need Felix adding his own brand of crazy on top of it. So he took all his studying to the library. Locus liked it quiet anyway and Felix _always_ felt the urge to talk when he was around. 

So really it worked out for everyone when Felix took his books and his nerves and curled up at a table in the library. He’d never been any good at studying, either because in some subjects he hadn’t needed to or because in other subjects he didn’t care enough. Somehow he managed to get good enough grades to pass, even if they weren’t exactly enough to brag about. When everyone cracked out the books for finals he felt like he probably should to, but he didn’t really know what he was supposed to do besides read them. 

Locus took notes, then took notes on his notes, and made flashcards out of his notes. If Felix was going to take notes out of what he read he was pretty sure he’d either write down everything he read, or have a single bullet point for the entire chapter. It just wasn’t something that made a lot of sense to him. So he read his textbooks, Locus told him to write down questions or things he wasn’t sure of when he went through it all, but while he was reading it it all seemed to make perfect sense. Even graphs made sense until he had to draw them and pinpoint some place on his drawing and basically all the other estimating that was involved. He was a lot better at math when the problems had solid answers, once they got into problems that asked what x _wasn’t_ he started getting a little confused.

But final exams were on all the parts of the subject studied that year, so that meant that even if he had trouble not solving for x, he could probably get by with all the other math, right? 

Other topics at least were more straightforward, the Chemistry that Locus was taking had some more guess work involved, but conveniently Science For Stupid Kids Who Hate Science didn’t have much of that. He didn’t need honors or a school history that shone with promise, he didn’t need Advanced Placement or all the sciences or essays ranked against geniuses. 

It wasn’t that he wanted to be mediocre, it was just that the kind of life he wanted to live didn’t need a lot of school. It seemed to him plenty of kids were slinging coffee and complaining about student loans and bachelor’s degrees, so why bother? Not that he would _ever_ say that to Locus. He figured someone like Locus, motivated and determined and dedicated, wouldn’t have as much trouble. Locus had stumbled a little after missing over a month due to his injury last year, but still managed better grades than a lot of their classmates. Locus didn’t think he was smart, but he was, and more important than that he gave it his all.

Locus would definitely get what he wanted out of life. Felix wasn’t really sure what he could do to ensure that except find a way to pay rent and put dinner on the table, but at the very least he could do that. One of these days he was going to have to see how much money they had left from robbing his mother and set up a budget to see how long it lasted. Locus was leaning towards an Engineering degree these days, so they’d have to figure out how much that was going to cost and if they’d have any left over.

The real world was going to be a little bit scary that way, but it was going to be amazing too. And shitty jobs that hire kids right out of high school don’t assign homework, so that seemed like it was going to make things easier.

Felix looked down at his notebook and sighed, instead of the math problem he was supposed to be working on he’d started jotting a list of jobs he could do, and expenses he could think of. Rent, obviously, water and electricity apparently cost money, phones, TV, internet, food. Food was going to end up big. Locus ate a lot of food, and would probably eat more if the school didn’t limit portions. Felix was starting to eat more, too. He underlined food a few times and tapped his pen against the paper and tried to think of something else.

Cars. Right they were going to get cars, those cost money. And gas, and insurance and… was there something else that cost money about cars? Probably. Felix didn’t know enough about cars to budget for one. He didn’t know enough about a lot of things now that he looked at it. How much _did_ cellphone’s cost? Could he get a discount if he got TV and internet together? How much did that cost? How much did shitty jobs usually pay? Probably minimum wage. Maybe he’d have to get two jobs. He was young spry and full of energy, after all. 

…. Felix really sucked at studying. He was just so much more interested in the idea that in 6 months he’d be out of school than making sure he’d actually learned something while he was here. He groaned and flipped the page and copied the problem out again. It wasn’t like exams even worded it like they did in the textbook so it wasn’t like studying did him a lot of good.

\---

Felix spent two hours alternating between trying to study and scribbling irrelevant things in his notebook. He ultimately decided if there were 168 hours in a week he could probably handle working like 60 hours, that left most of his week for not being at work, right? It wasn’t like he was so used to free time that he would miss it. He’d spent so much of his life trapped somewhere he may as well start getting paid for it, right?

He was busy thinking about whether he would have time to cook properly if he was working hours like that and _not_ about the fact that his was still in Charon as he walked through the halls. Which was ultimately how he fucked up. 

It had actually been a long time since someone decided to attack him in the halls, but he was still small for an eighteen year-old, and the school was still Charon. Kids who couldn’t get time to do anything else ended up wandering hallways looking for fights. He’d done it himself in grade 10, it was how things were _done_ in Charon. Especially in hallways with no supervision. Felix knew that, usually. So when someone grabbed him from behind it was less a surprise and more of a disappointment. _Good job, dumbass, you forgot to pay attention._

“Studying hard?” Some kid sneered from behind him as two other students stalked around the front of them. Felix didn’t know who they were, so they probably weren’t in his grade, and he probably _hadn’t_ insulted them earlier somewhere along the way. Maybe one day he wouldn’t be so small? It made him such a target for assholes looking for an easy fight.

“Oh my _god_ , seriously? Why don’t you just fight each other if you’re this bored?” Felix groaned and squirmed to try and loosen his arms from Asshole #1’s hold. 

“Now where’d the fun be in that when there’s skinny little shits like you wandering around.” Asshole #2 grinned and cracked his knuckles in a very dramatic show, he was just trying _so hard_ to be intimidating. 

“I… don’t know? I mean I don’t really see the fun in this situation either. I know you really want me to be afraid of you but it’s also _really_ not going to happen so--” #2 punched him in the jaw and came back shaking his hand but grinning. Felix sighed heavily and rolled his eyes, it hurt but mostly it was irritating. “Okay first, rude. It’s rude to interrupt someone. Second, fuck you.”

Asshole #3 who seemed uninterested in bravado punched him in the stomach, which was more irritating because it knocked the wind out of him. Ever since he made that stupid vow of nonviolence people had been testing it, and usually he could dodge and get away with minimal damage, but with Asshole #1 holding him in place for the other two to hit that was going to be a lot more difficult.

He slumped a little in #1’s grip and the group of them snickered. “Not so chatty now, are you?” Asshole #2 smirked and grabbed Felix by the hair to try and drag him up.

“You are… _extremely_ dramatic. Did anyone ever tell you that? Like really just… wow.” Felix grinned a little in defiance. Exactly how much of this bullshit was he required to take as a ‘good person’. Good person didn’t mean punching bag, right? He didn’t want to just be that asshole who punched anyone that made them mad, but… there _had_ to be a balance, right?

#2 punched him in the face again. Felix felt his nose pop and almost immediately begin pouring blood. It didn’t really mean much, it was easy to make a nose bleed, it might _not_ be broken but was still _extremely_ annoying. And pretty painful. A good blow to the nose could black both his eyes and that was _not_ a good look.

“God _dammit_.” Felix hissed and spit blood at #2. “Well that’s great. I fucking hate washing blood out of my clothes.”

#3 seemed to be the only one who really knew anything about fighting, since he stuck to body blows instead of risking his hands on headshots. He was also quiet, but growled when Felix spat blood on him too.

“Are you finished yet? I mean this can’t possibly be interesting for you anymore.” Felix groaned, his arms were starting to get sore from being pulled back behind him, and while the blows to the ribs weren’t hard enough to cause serious damage it _was_ getting painful to breathe. He was a little proud of himself for not having a panic attack, but he was starting to think he was too pissed about the whole thing to be triggered. Maybe it would all rush up to him later when he was back in his room? That would be great.

“What’s the matter? Eager to get back to your monster boyfriend?”

“Excuse me?” Felix blinked and spat blood again, though at no one in general this time. “What did you--”

“I’m calling you fucking gay!” #2 rolled his eyes like Felix was being especially stupid.

“Yeah, right on, good observation skills bud.” Felix probably would have made finger guns if his hands weren’t trapped and he wasn’t slowly boiling over into pissed the fuck off. “What the _fuck_ did you call him?”

“A monster. Big Frankenstein looking motherfucker. I mean, you sure he’s all human in there?” #2 grinned for approximately two seconds before Felix slammed his foot into his knee as hard as he could manage. #2 shouted with shock and pain as he went down, then Felix stomped down hard on #1’s instep and slammed his head back into his nose. There was a yell of pain and Felix’s arms were released. Before #1 could move away Felix swung his elbow back into his ribs hard. He heard #1 go down but was already moving on #3 and didn’t look. #3 brought his hands up to block his face and Felix swung hard for the solar plexus. He groaned and doubled over and Felix drove his elbow between his shoulderblades and kicked his feet out from under him. When #3 was down, Felix turned back to #2 and kicked him once in the ribs for good measure.

“Man. And I was doing so good, too.” Felix sighed as he looked at the three boys groaning on the floor. He tapped his foot and considered them before checking his watch. He only had about half an hour until the doors locked and if he wanted to wash the blood out of his uniform before it set he’d have to hurry. He picked up his books and headed down the hall with another heavy sigh.

This didn’t necessarily mean he was back to being a bad person, did it? Most people would probably argue self defense after all. Totally good people fight in self defense. But it wasn’t really self defense. It had been anger. He’d been willing to take the beating and head home annoyed but with his record untarnished until they’d brought up Locus. 

_Felix_ was a monster. He ran on rage and impulse and seemed to cause problems everywhere he went. Locus didn’t deserve to be brought into that category. Locus was earnestly and honestly a good person. He didn’t deserve Locus, his giant zombie nerd, full of sappy romance and honest-to-god kindness. 

It was _so easy_ to hurt people. Felix felt sick to his stomach as he stripped out of his shirt in the laundry room and found the soap. He was vaguely aware his face was still covered in blood, but he could deal with that later. For now he ran cold water over the stained fabric and tried not to be sick. He still knew exactly how to bring someone down, where to hit and how to hurt someone badly without hurting them seriously. It had been easier now. It turned out food and regular use of the gym really was useful for something, but that wasn’t better. The fact that he hit _harder_ wasn’t something he should be proud of. He had worked so hard to be better and he had failed.

None of it mattered. All that effort, all the times he’d let himself get hit for the sake of making a fight end had been pointless. He still lashed out when he got angry. It was still _so easy_ for him to hurt people. 

He was still a monster.


	13. Sick

Locus knew that Felix had to deal with a lot more violence at Charon than Locus did. Locus didn’t pick fights, and was large and intimidating enough that people didn’t pick fights with him. His size came with a lot of benefits when it came to safety in Charon, Felix’s did not. Despite growing a few inches Felix was still a fairly short man, and despite bulking up Felix looked very slim under his clothes. _Locus_ knew that a lot of Felix’s bulk was muscle, that he had a lot of trouble keeping fat on, but with a shapeless uniform on Felix looked like any scrawny kid at this school. So even though Felix had declared he’d given up fighting, he came back to their room with bruises far too often. 

Locus looked forward to graduating for a number of reasons, but getting Felix out of a building where he had every reason to believe he was always in danger was one of the big ones. Felix went through a lot of things about his therapy with Locus, either because he found it annoying, fascinating, or he thought Locus would find it useful. A lot of it seemed to involve redirecting panic responses, acknowledging and letting go. It seemed to be coming from the perspective that the patient was not in danger any more. A dangerous or traumatic thing happened, but now you are safe and you need to process emotions in a safe way. The truth was that Felix was not safe in Charon. Felix had many reasons to feel unsafe at this school, and if he had parents that cared about him they would have taken him out a long time ago.

If Felix had parents who cared about him he probably wouldn’t have ended up in Charon to begin with.

When Felix came back just before the doors locked with a freshly laundered shirt and a face blooming with bruises Locus wasn’t sure exactly what to say.

“I might have time to get an icepack from Phyllis’ office if you’d like?” 

Felix groaned and slowly changed out of his clothes. “It’s fine.”

There were more bruises forming around his ribs and Locus winced. “Do you need--”

“I need to lie down.” Felix’s voice was low and tense and Locus was a little taken aback. Felix got angry about plenty of things, but usually seemed to try his best not to talk to Locus that way.

Felix threw his books and papers off of his bed and curled up into his nest of blankets with a defeated sort of weariness. Felix had been sleeping in Locus’ bunk most nights lately. They shared it. When Locus had been acting like an asshole he had worked his way into Felix’s mess of a bunk to avoid cuddling. Felix’s bunk was usually too much of a mess for both of them to sleep on.

Something had _definitely_ happened, besides the beating. The beating was enough to be bad, but Felix had to deal with a lot of those. It wasn’t enough on its own to leave Felix so… deflated. Or make him isolate himself.

Locus wanted to sit with him and see what it was, but he also knew that Felix was bad at talking about things that were still raw. If he was being terse and tired then it was probably best to leave him until he actually _wanted_ to talk about it. If Felix wanted to be left alone, Locus would respect that.

Even if he hated every second that Felix was in pain and he couldn’t help.

Graduation couldn’t come soon enough.

\---

Felix slept in until seven the next morning. It was one of the first times Locus could remember waking up before him. He was too out of it for the first hour of being awake to notice that Felix was tucked somewhere in that mess of blankets and pillows. By the time he’d been to the showers, gotten dressed and gotten coffee he had processed enough to make observations on his surroundings. Observations like ‘Felix isn’t here talking to me.’ Felix was usually wide awake and full of energy by the time Locus got coherent, sitting in their room or following Locus to breakfast, or recently playing Pokemon. 

He worried between the idea that Felix might react badly to being woken up, and the idea that one of the hits that had left bruising on Felix’s face had given him a concussion. When he’d eventually fretted over it enough and reached to gently shake Felix awake, Felix groaned and squinted at him through swollen, bruised eyes.

“Are you… okay?” Locus frowned, the bruising was even more troubling now that it had set and darkened purple and red.

Felix blinked slowly, then seemed to take a second to assess himself before easing up to a sit. “Bleh.”

“Those bruises are, uh, impressive.” Locus winced a little in sympathy when Felix went to rub his eyes and hissed in pain at bumping his nose.

“Some fuckers jumped me last night.” Felix explained, speech slow with sleep and displeasure.

“I figured…” Locus raised an eyebrow slowly and reached to brush Felix’s hair back until Felix flinched. He withdrew his hand and frowned. “What’s wrong.”

“Don’t feel good.” Felix grumbled as he looked around the room like he was trying to decide what to do. “Wanna go back to bed.”

“Are you sure one of them didn’t hit you too hard? Should we go see Phyllis?” Locus was getting more worried, it just wasn’t normal for Felix to be so surly, at least it wasn’t normal for him to be surly with Locus.

“No. Not a concussion. I’m just tired.” Felix squirmed a little to curl up in his blankets better and lie back down.

“Oh. Okay?” 

“It’s fine, just go to class, I’m gonna sleep.” Felix muttered into his pillow and that seemed to be the end of the conversation.

\---

By lunch Felix was up, but was still being quiet and sullen. He picked at his food and let Abbey be in charge of conversations. He didn’t flinch when Locus reached out to touch him this time, but didn’t lean into it like he usually did. Usually he was like an affectionate cat, pressing himself into Locus’ space. Today he was closed off, slumped in his chair and focused on the tray in front of him. 

“Are you sick, man? You are _uncharacteristically_ quiet.” Anthony raised an eyebrow and Felix stared at him for a long moment.

“I think so. I feel… I don’t know… gross? And stuff.” Felix shrugged a little bit and sipped his juice. 

Kaylee scowled at him, but if Felix noticed he ignored it.

“You talk to Phyllis?” Abbey asked, frowning with concern.

“No, it’s fine. I’m just tired. And sore.” Felix sniffed a little and winced.

“Funny how getting punched a bunch of times will do that to a body.” Kaylee said dryly.

“Yeah. Definitely getting tired of that…” Felix groaned softly. “Really, really tired.”

“They don’t do it so much in adult society?” Abbey offered.

“Adults hit people all the time.” Felix grumbled and sank in his chair.

The rest of the table shared an awkward silence at that.

“I’m just gonna go back to bed.” Felix sighed and picked up his still mostly full tray and walked off without anything more than that.

“Whaaaaat the fuck was that?” Abbey muttered once he was gone.

“I. I don’t know.” Locus frowned and watched Felix make his way out of the cafeteria. “He seemed a little upset last night and now he’s just…”

“You think they hit him too hard, whoever it was? I mean this is… way too low-energy for Felix.” Anthony scowled thoughtfully.

“He said he didn’t have a concussion. But I don’t know…” Locus sighed and shook his head. “I should get him to go to Phyllis.”

“I’ll talk to him.” Kaylee got up and picked up her empty tray. “Sometimes it’s easier to open up to someone you aren’t trying to impress.”

Locus sat for a long moment thinking about that as Kaylee walking away. He supposed _he_ did a lot of things he hoped Felix would like or be impressed with, so it was probably true of the reverse. Was that going to become an issue? Not being able to talk about things because they wanted the other to see them at their best? But Felix had shared so many things with Locus… He couldn’t think of what it could be that Felix wouldn’t want to talk about with him.

“Don’t worry so much, you’re still finals stressing. You can’t do anything about it right now so eat your lunch.” Abbey crossed her arms and gave him a look. “Kaylee will handle it.”

“Okay…” Locus said reluctantly, then looked back to his food.

\---

“So what the fuck was that?” Kaylee was often blunt. It was a very refreshing quality all things considered, though Felix couldn’t help but be annoyed by it now. 

He slumped his shoulders and rubbed his jaw gently. “What was what?”

“Oh do not bullshit me, you know full well you’re acting weird.” Kaylee had her hands on her hips and a very unimpressed expression on her face.

“Ugh… fine, I don’t feel great. I suck at being a better person.” Felix shook his head. “I’m going to the roof there are too many people here.”

Kaylee nodded and followed him up. He didn’t mind talking to Kaylee about things, it seemed out of all of his friends she was the closest to understanding the _hate_. She had something dark in her, something she made a partial effort to hide. Felix had no doubt that if someone ever hurt Abbey, Kaylee would end up going to for real adult prison. He could relate to that.

“So why do you suck at being a better person?” Kaylee asked and kicked at the roof.

“I wasn’t the only one who got a bloody nose last night.” Felix deflated, practically collapsing down onto the roof to stare at the sky.

“Welcome to Charon.”

“I know, I know. I just… I was trying so _hard_.” Felix carefully covered his face with his hands. “They jumped me in a hall, trapped me, it was so stupid. I mean it hurt but not that much. My mother hits harder when she’s drunk. Don’t go too deep into that.”

“Mm.” Kaylee made a noise of acknowledgement if not of agreement and settled down to sit beside him. “If they started the fight sounds like their own fucking fault. You’ve been trying, but I think… karma? Will forgive you for standing up for yourself.”

“I wasn’t standing up for myself. I was angry. I let them hit me, I figured they’d just let it go, but they started insulting Locus? I just… I got pissed.” 

“So they beat you up and insulted your boyfriend. What did you put them in the hospital or something? Otherwise it’s not that extreme a reaction here.” Felix didn’t need to see Kaylee to know she was giving him a skeptical look. 

“No it’s not like that. It’s like… I don’t wanna be that guy. I don’t wanna be the guy who gets mad and hurts people. I don’t… what if I get mad at Locus? If I can’t be the better person, I could get pissed at Locus? I don’t ever wanna hurt him.” Felix was aware he was starting to sound pathetic, sometimes it was just easier to talk to Kaylee. “I don’t want to be a monster anymore.”

“So you’ve been sulking around because you think… defending yourself and Locus from shitheads means you will hurt Locus.” Kaylee snorted a little and was quiet for a moment before asking, “When you got really pissed at Locus for ignoring you did you ever hit him?”

“What? No!” Felix sat up abruptly and scowled at Kaylee. “But that doesn’t mean I couldn’t…”

“Felix, listen, this school has different rules than… I don’t know the real world. You’ve gone like… a year or something without fighting anyone? You let yourself get beat up like repeatedly. For this place? You’ve been a god damned saint. Hell in the real world you’ve probably had like… otherworldly patience. I don’t think you’re really a monster.” Kaylee was examining her nails, but glanced at Felix. “You have been kind, considerate, and patient. Things you were _not_ when I met you. So you fucked up some punks, you’re not failing at being a better person.”

Felix stared at her for a long time before tucking his face against his knees. He had no idea what anyone was even supposed to say to something like that. “I’m angry all the time. I hate things so much. I hate _myself_. I don’t want Locus to see that. Locus deserves so much better than the kind of person I am.”

“You know Locus used to pick fights a bunch? When we were in junior high.” Kaylee didn’t seem to have time for Felix’s emotional bullshit, as she shifted the topic. “He had a temper, and a reputation. He didn’t call himself Locus then, but everyone knew what fucking with him meant. He fucked a lot of people up. That was part of why he was roomed alone and nobody fucking talked to him.”

“I have a really hard time picturing that…” Felix muttered and turned his head to watch Kaylee.

“Yeah, well… that’s ‘cause he stopped.” Kaylee shrugged a little. “And that’s kinda the point. That kid he used to be? He knew how to hate. You don’t just forget _hate_. It leaves a mark. I don’t think you have to worry about him finding out that you hate some people.”

Felix frowned and curled up a little tighter. “His changes all stuck. He’s a really genuinely good person now. He’s so… _good_.”

“He beat the _shit_ out of that kid in grade 10.” 

“That was… that was because of me.” Felix mumbled.

“And last night was because of him. We take care of our own. That’s just how families are.” 

Felix tucked his head and worked on thinking about that. About all of it. “I still don’t want to be the kind of person who hits people just ‘cause I get mad.”

“Then don’t be. It’s work changing who you are. Talk to Locus about it. He probably knows better than all of us.” Kaylee shrugged. 

“You’re a pretty good person too, you know that?”

“You shut your fucking mouth.”


	14. Cards on the Table

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Felix and Locus talk things out

“Those are a couple impressive shiners.” Phyllis commented absently as Felix sat down on a cot and didn’t quite make eye contact. “Probably should have put some ice on that.”

“I was tired and didn’t really feel like it.” Felix shrugged a little.

“Well I guess you’re the one who has to deal with the swelling.” 

“I usually am.” Felix rolled his eyes a little. “But like I feel sick? I swallowed blood and just feel kinda gross and slept all morning.”

Phyllis raised an eyebrow and leaned against her counter to study him. “You sleeping surprises me.”

Felix stuck his tongue out at her. “Yeah. I’m… tired and sore and shit. My stomach hurts and I’d really really like to go back to bed but I’ll probably get like a week of detention if I have another unexcused absence so…”

Phyllis clicked her tongue and nodded. “I take it you’re bruised on more than just your face.”

It wasn’t a question really but Felix answered anyway. “Kinda my ribs and stomach I guess? Can I just get a note? I just don’t have it in me to sit through history.”

“I’ll write you up a note. I suppose it’s a bit much to ask for you to stop getting hit so much?” Phyllis asked dryly as she began typing in her computer.

“Being hit would mean I was fighting.” Felix grinned a little. “Fighting is against the rules.”

“Mm. Of course. What was I thinking.” Phyllis shook her head. “You would never break a rule.”

“I’d surely hate to cause any trouble.” Felix opened his eyes wide and innocent or at least as much as he could with them being bruised and swollen. 

“God forbid.” Phyllis snorted. “Nothing’s broken I assume?”

“Nah. I’m just bruised and feel gross. If I never go to a hospital again it’ll be too soon.” Felix muttered.

“Well, you can have today to rest up, things are getting kind of intense your teachers would object if you missed more than that.”

“I’m sure they’d be real torn up about it.” Felix shook his head but stood up carefully. “I know how much my roguishly handsome face is appreciated in class.”

“Mm.” Phyllis seemed she didn’t fully agree. “Note sent. Go get some sleep. Come back if it gets worse or doesn’t go away. You’ve broken your body enough ways to know when something’s _wrong_ wrong.”

“I will come and get you if I think I have internal bleeding or something, promise.” Felix waved a little as he headed to the door. “Possibly even before I start puking blood or something.”

“Before would probably be good.” Phyllis waved him off, and though she spoke dryly she had a slightly fond expression on her face. Phyllis was all right. Probably the only adult Felix had ever met who actually gave a fuck about kids.

And not just because she got paid to, he’d met plenty of people who got paid to care for kids and didn’t. There were a lot of things Phyllis had done for him that she hadn’t needed to do. And she’d helped Locus a lot when he’d been recovering from his stab wound. Felix was pretty sure he hated everyone else who worked at Charon, but Phyllis was pretty great.

Walking back to his room was… less than fun. Without the distraction of talking to Phyllis Felix began to feel the bruising in his ribs more. Walking was always a pain when important parts got hurt, though this was a lot better than cracked or broken. He also had only his thoughts to pull him away from the pain, and his thoughts were worse. He had to talk to Locus. He had to get it out in the air what kind of person he was. He had to explain to Locus that despite his efforts he was still a pretty shitty person. 

He wanted to be remarkable for Locus, because Locus deserved someone remarkable. Felix was beginning to think that was going to be impossible. It was one thing to accept he was trash when it wasn’t serious, when he knew there was an expiration date on their friendship.

He hadn’t gotten to know Locus with the expectation of it lasting, Felix had always known someone with a mind for greater grander things wasn’t going to be interested in keeping him around. Felix figured he wasn’t deep enough that Locus would still be interested once the shine wore off. 

And then day after day Locus stayed. Trauma and drama and attempted murder and Locus stayed by Felix’s side. All things considered 2 and a half years wasn’t that long. They were 18, they’d spent _most_ of their lives apart, but it was still remarkable. 2 and a half years was a lot longer than anyone else had ever tolerated him. He’d gotten to pretending that it could last forever. Not whimsical fairy tale forever, not really, but at least years more. Locus had become a constant in Felix’s life.

The idea of it now, that Locus was going to leave him, hurt more than anything Felix had experienced. 

He crawled into his bunk and pulled the covers up to his chin. He would live. He knew he would be able to live without Locus. He’d done it for most of his life, after all. He didn’t look forward to it. Maybe it wouldn’t be soon though? He clung to that. Maybe Kaylee would be right, and this all wouldn’t be the end. It was hard to believe that but he tried to with all his might. More than anything in his whole life he wanted to keep Locus. He wanted to be good enough for Locus.

Locus had said that he loved Felix. Felix hoped that meant Locus wanted to keep Felix, too. He just needed to figure out what to say. He just needed to make it right somehow.

\---

“I’m not mad at you.” Felix blurted out as soon as Locus walked into the room.

“Oh. That’s… good?” Locus stared at him for a moment, clearly confused.

“I mean. This morning. And last night. And… I’m not mad at you, like I wanted to make that clear first. ‘Cause I know you like… you worry about stuff like that. And you’re already stressed enough as it is ‘cause exams. I didn’t mean to like. Add to it.” Felix was aware he was pacing, and that their room was pretty small so there wasn’t actually a lot of room to allow him to do that.

“It’s… it’s okay. You don’t have to be chipper all the time. I just… thought you were sick?” Locus still looked confused as he sat down on his bunk to give Felix more space.

“I wasn’t. I mean I did feel sick. But I was like… I made myself feel sick being an idiot. Also I think I ended up swallowing some blood last night when my nose was bleeding so that always feels awful, you know?” Felix was babbling. He knew he was babbling. He couldn’t stop. “But that’s not the real point. The real point is I was mostly like… sulking today. I fucked up last night, and I threw some punches of my own. And I hate that I lost my temper like that and it freaks me out sometimes that it seems so easy to just hit someone when I get pissed. And that’s like… it’s fucked up, right? Like people don’t do that. Normal people, not even good people. Like I’m under normal people with that. And it freaked me out. I’m maybe still freaking out?”

Locus reached out and took hold of Felix’s hands in his, forcing him to stand still. “Felix. Considering where we are, and how you grew up--”

“But I don’t want that. I don’t want to be acceptable if you consider… I mean you watch fucking _serial killer_ documentaries that are like ‘considering how he grew up it’s no wonder he became a monster’. I don’t want to be that. I hate that. I don’t want people to look at me and think things like ‘well considering his mother of course he’s awful’ or whatever. I don’t want to be my mother. I don’t want to… be like that.” Felix gasped for breath and bounced on the balls of his feet. “You’re a good person. You’re a really-- like you’re kind and you’re good and you- you… you’re gonna be important. You’re gonna be someone people respect, I _know_ that. And I… I’m just… me. I’m just me. And if I’m gonna be good enough to love you I have to be better than me. I don’t-- I don’t-- _I never want to hurt you_.”

Locus didn’t say anything for a moment, though he might have been waiting to see if Felix was just coming up for air. Finally he squeezed Felix’s hands and sighed. “Do you think your mother ever thought that?”

“Wh-what?” Felix stammered and shook his head.

“Do you think your mother ever worried about hurting you? And worrying she might get caught doesn’t count.” Locus was very serious and Felix swallowed thickly as he stared.

“No. I don’t think she ever gave a fuck.” Felix shivered thinking about it.

“So you’re not you’re mother. Your mother didn’t care. You just made yourself sick because you care about it too much.” 

“That’s-- I still hurt people! I don’t… I don’t care that I hit those assholes yesterday. Except that… I don’t want to be a bad person. I wasn’t anybody to my mother, and they aren’t anybody too me. It’s different.”

“Did you ever hit your mother?”

“No. I mean I don’t think so? Maybe when I was really really small? I just knew not to…” Felix felt a little like he was going to be sick. Or maybe he was going to have an attack. Which was just what he needed, to start hyperventilating in the middle of a serious discussion. 

“You were attacked and you fought people who were attacking you, right?” Felix nodded in response to Locus’ question. “I know it happens to you a lot. People think you’re an easy target. I am never going to attack you, Felix. I never want to hurt you either. So we’ll stick to that. We’ll work on not hurting each other.”

“That’s so easy to say…” Felix sighed and shook his head. “I still could… could lose my temper.”

“You’ve been in a violent altercation… well a lot, but _once_ where you were a violent party, in over a year. And I’m not going to say that it’s good you were in a fight, that you lost your temper and hurt someone. You’re right, they aren’t good things. But you’re thinking about it, and regretting it now? You’ve grown up a lot. And I don’t think you plan on stopping, right?”

“Well. I want… I want to get better.” Felix hung his head. “I just… I’m not very good at it. I’m still angry all the time, and hateful, and just… twisted. There’s something _wrong_ with me. I don’t even know how to say it all. There’s something dark and bad and just _evil_ inside me. I don’t wanna be a monster but I think I _am_ and--”

“I hate.” Locus said bluntly. “I hate lots of things. I used to be angry all the time. It consumed me. I lost my temper at the drop of a hat. It’s something that takes a lot of effort to work through. A lot of time. You’re working on it. You won’t do homework for school, but you will for your therapy group. I’ve seen you going through the work sheets, and processing through issues. You have a _lot_ you need to process. You’re growing up, Felix. You’re doing good.”

Felix sighed and shifted then finally collapsed to sit on the floor. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry you’re always carrying me.”

“You’re the one enforcing regular meals and breaks and making sure I go to sleep.” Locus smiled a little. “I’m pretty sure that’s a lot of what relationships are about, you know? Supporting each other.”

“I’m gonna… I’m gonna keep working on it. I wanna be a better person. And a decent boyfriend. I want to deserve you. You deserve someone who isn’t a piece of shit.” 

“I’m pretty sure I get to decide what I deserve.” Locus snorted. “I love _you_ Felix. Somehow this seems surprising to you, but I _am_ actually in love with you. Don’t decide what’s good enough for me without me. And I don’t think you’re a piece of shit.”

“Mmkay…” Felix mumbled and tucked his face against his knees. “I don’t think you see me right. I don’t want you to, I want you to love me. I want it so much so I don’t want you to see me, but I’m so…”

“Stop.” Locus squeezed Felix’s hands. “I see you. I’ve seen you angry, I’ve seen you scared, I’ve seen you sad. I’ve helped you tape up bruised knuckles, and held you as you forgot where you were. I’m not blind to who you are, Felix. And I still love you. I keep telling you, I like _you_. That doesn’t mean don’t do what you need to, don’t try to be better or more or stronger. That’s what we need to do to grow… but Felix I’m not going to change my mind because you hate people. I have loved you for a long time. And one thing I’ve learned is despite all the bravado you don’t like yourself very much. So I’ll like you enough for the both of us until you can get there.”

Felix groaned and closed his eyes tightly. He didn’t know what to say to that, what could he say to that? He did hate himself. He figured anyone with sense would hate someone like him. And here, again, Locus had just the right thing to say.

“Also I am _really_ tired of people hurting you. If you would like to talk to me about hate that would fall into the category. I really, really hate that people hurt you. And have hurt you. And I guess ultimately will hurt you in the future.” Locus pulled Felix up gently to sit beside him. “I’m sure you’ve noticed but there’s a lot in this world to be angry at. It’s what you do that defines you.”

“Did you just Batman quote at me?” Felix smiled a little and leaned his head against Locus’ shoulder.

“Probably.” Locus wrapped his arm around Felix’s shoulder and gave him a little squeeze. “It’s true though. What was your therapy thing… It was something like ‘acknowledge your emotions and let them pass’ or something?”

“I think we’re supposed to visualise them as boats or something, but that just got confusing.” Felix laughed softly. “But yeah. Acknowledge, accept, let go.”

“And have you been doing that?”

Felix sighed. “I… probably not. It’s not easy.”

“Emotions aren’t easy. I’m pretty sure emotions are actually bullshit.”

Felix snorted, and wrapped his arms around Locus’ waist. “Emotions are _definitely_ bullshit.”

\---

“I’m not as good as you say I am.” Locus mumbled, later that night as they relaxed into his bunk.

Felix made a confused noise and looked up at him with a scowl. “What?”

“The way you described me earlier. Like I was good, and kind… those sorts of things.” Locus ran his fingers over the shaved hair at the back of Felix’s head. 

“You _are_ good and kind and all that shit.” Felix sighed softly and leaned into Locus’ touch.

“I’m nice to _you_.” Locus shook his head. “I don’t really care about most other people. Just you and our friends.”

Felix narrowed his eyes and frowned deeper as he studied Locus’ expression. 

“You think I’m good, I guess, but I’m just… average I think. Good people probably like more than four people?” Locus shrugged a little. “I don’t really care about being nice to other people.”

Felix considered that and then sighed. “I gotta be honest I don’t really care? Like I care but also, honestly, fuck other people? You did shit like save my life and think about things I might like when you didn’t have to and--”

“I think your perspective is a little bit skewed.” Locus interrupted dryly. “That’s… common decency and friendship. I like _you_ , that doesn’t really mean I’m good. And you… don’t really have the best examples when it comes to recognising kindness?”

Felix groaned dramatically and tried to hide his face against Locus’ chest, then remembered his nose was badly bruised and turned his head instead. “Okay I don’t. Really. But I mean that’s like… people definitely don’t have to be nice to me. And I was _definitely_ an asshole. Am an asshole. It wasn’t like I earned your kindness you were just kind.”

“Well I liked you. Even when you’re an asshole and get on my nerves. But you don’t have to earn being treated like a person.” Locus stroked Felix’s hair softly. “I was kind to you because I like you. Until you made me have a social life I wasn’t exactly kind to anyone else.”

“Well… I like you too. You’re good to me. That’s what matters to me.” Felix huffed a little and didn’t meet Locus’ eye. 

“You do know you’re good to me too, right?” Locus snorted.

“I’m an _asshole_. I drag you into trouble and drama like _every day_.” Felix sighed with exasperation. 

“I _had_ noticed my life got more excitable when you came into it.” Locus smirked a little and Felix covered Locus’ face with his hands.

“I got you stabbed.” 

“I’m pretty sure that was someone else.”

“It was my fault.”

“Pretty sure you can’t control other people.”

“You are such an asshole.”

“Told you.”

“Ugh.” Felix went limp, sprawled across Locus’s chest. “Fine, you’re not a good person. You’re just a jerk I like a lot.”

“Mm that does work better for me.” Locus ran his fingers gently down Felix’s back making him shiver.

“Were you fretting about that all evening?” Felix looked up at Locus with a little grin.

“I wasn’t _fretting_.” Locus protested, focusing on running his hands over Felix’s back.

“You nerd.” Felix laughed and shifted to straddle Locus’ hips. “You are my favourite jerk.”

“I can live with that. You’re my favourite jerk, too.” Locus pulled Felix down to kiss him and make him squirm. 

“Good. I would be wildly jealous if you found another asshole.” Locus’ eyebrows went up slowly and Felix rolled his eyes, and his hips. “Fuck you.”


	15. Becoming Normal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The beginning of second semester and an intervention of sorts

Finals were, as always and probably even more-so, hell on earth. There was something about exams that brought out something insane in students. Felix was pretty sure that exams were the cause of all premature heart attacks. No one dealt with exam stress well. Especially Locus. Felix had accepted that this was going to happen, that Locus was going to basically disappear for a couple weeks. This year’s exams were too important for Locus, all Felix could do was make sure the poor guy actually slept. 

By the time exams actually ended Locus was resembling a zombie even more than usual. Like previous years there had been a little party to celebrate the official end to the first semester. Like previous years it was extremely tame and a little pathetic. At least Felix assumed as much. When he’d gone the first time it had been dark and full of people, and that was no longer one of Felix’s prefered combinations.

So instead he stayed in his room, and watched Locus sort through his notes for what to keep for future review and what he could throw out to make space. 

“Locus.” Felix stretched and rolled to his feet. “Locus you look like you’re dying. You just finished your exams chill the fuck out.”

“I can’t shake the… I know they’re over but I feel like I need to be working on something.” Locus tapped his fingers nervously against his desk. “I feel like I’m missing something.”

“Could it possibly your boyfriend?” Felix draped himself over Locus’ shoulders. “Or rest, I’ve heard great things about rest.”

Locus sighed and leaned his head back to look at Felix. “I’m sorry. I’m being… paranoid. Or… I don’t know. Stupid.”

“You’re not stupid, you’ve been on high alert basically all semester. Now you need to unclench a little. Next semester is mostly electives. Come back to me a little? I know this year is important but I think you’re going a little overboard.”

Locus looked unconvinced, so Felix latched his mouth to the base of his neck and sucked a hickey. 

“Felix.” Locus gasped, half surprised and half, Felix assumed, enjoying the sensation. 

Felix grinned against Locus’ skin and kissed the bruise softly. “Locus. You are finished studying for now.”

Locus sighed but relaxed slowly as Felix continued to kiss and tease along his neck. “I… you make a solid argument.”

Felix laughed and pulled at Locus to get him out of his chair. “You have been studying basically non-stop all semester. Right here is the sweet spot where there’s _nothing_ you have to do.”

“I think I might have to do this…” Locus trailed off as he pulled Felix into a kiss.

“You’re such a dork.” Felix grinned against Locus’ lips and nipped lightly. “I’ve missed you.”

Locus kissed him again, and picked Felix up off his feet and lay him out on the bunk. Felix was happy to take the opportunity to wrap his legs around Locus’ waist and clutch him close. Locus began trailing kisses along Felix’s jaw, and returned the favour of leaving a hickey on Felix’s neck.

\---

Second semester started with a bit of a fizzle. Felix had been right, most of Locus’ classes were electives. Which _were_ important, but not as difficult or heavily tested. It was tempting to dive into books, but when his grades came back Felix’s response had been to hide all of his pens.

“And that’s standardised grades you big nerd.” Felix put his hands on his hips. “That’s you scoring like… unnecessarily high on tests the government regulates. So no, you do not need to spend until June lost in books again.”

Locus huffed a little and sank in his chair. “I only got grades like that because I studied so hard.”

Felix rolled his eyes. “You will get grades like that if you study half as much. You knew all the information already. And you know full well you take notes you can study when exams are _actually happening_.”

“I will… try and calm down…” Locus rubbed the back of his neck. Felix continued to look unimpressed.

“You’ve got the big grades you need. Now you need to be an actual fucking teenager.” Felix bounced slightly and looked like he was considering something. “Infact we’re doing something we should have already done.”

Felix opened the drawer on Locus’ desk and pulled out all the rejection letters that Locus had received. Locus winced to look at them, and Felix eyed them with dislike.

“Take this letter and rip it into the smallest pieces you can manage.”

“What?” Locus accepted the letter from Felix and stared at him.

“You applied with a long shot and didn’t succeed, but from now on you’re a success. No one is going to look at your grades and reject you unless they are 100% assholes. Your future is going to happen. You don’t need to keep these around to remind yourself.” Felix nudged him a little. “So tear it up. You don’t need it and keeping it is only making you upset. Tear it up and throw it away.”

“Is this another one of your therapy exercises?” 

“Sort of.” Felix shrugged a little. “I mean I think it’s actually we’re supposed to write down our worries and then tear them up. Or was it keep them for later..? No that’s a different thing. We’re ridding you of your worries.”

Locus looked skeptical, and then studied the letter again. It had been one of the first, when he still had hopes to be crushed. Finally he tore it in half and continued to tear until the pieces were too small to tear anymore and he let them spill into the trash.

“And I’ve been doing research.” Felix handed Locus another letter. “People go to college when they’re fifty. There are all sorts of options and chances, and like a million schools. It’s gonna happen, but if it doesn’t happen right away that doesn’t mean it won’t. You’re all wrapped up in movie logic, like if you don’t get exactly what you want immediately you will fail at everything. But it’s not true. College isn’t as scary or intense as you’ve made it out to be. Fuck, I could find a college that would accept me, so I mean… _Really_.”

“You’ve been doing research?” Locus tore up another letter.

“Well that and talking to our friends who have parents. Parents who might I add are pretty fucking successful. And they all said that you don’t have to be perfect to get into schools. Half the schools I looked up had like… ‘needs 80% in math’ or whatever. You’re more than qualified. These places didn’t accept you because you didn’t have SAT scores. Now you do and your scores are amazing.” Felix handed him the last of the papers and watched with satisfaction as Locus tore it to pieces. “You aren’t going to fail.”

Locus sighed as he let the last pieces of letter fall into the garbage. “People fail to get into colleges all the time. There are all sorts of reasons I could be rejected again.”

“You don’t gotta go to fucking _Harvard_ , Locs. I know you think you need the best of the best in order to get a job, but you can get a career without being like… almighty god of colleges, or whatever. You don’t… have to be the best. I mean like. That came out wrong. I mean you don’t have to be the _greatest engineer to ever live_. You can just… live stably. Like, have a career that lets you live comfortably, not over-the-top.”

“It seems like I have to be over-the-top in order to even hope to be comfortable. Every news article, or student forum, or statistic makes it look like it’s impossible to succeed. People have degrees but no prospects, loans and no jobs. Half the kids our age have given up. It seems like in order to get anywhere you have to be the greatest… whatever of all time. Like if I don’t have the best marks from the best school I’m never going to… anything.” Locus rubbed his hands over his face. “There aren’t any chances left…”

“There are plenty of chances.” Felix sighed and smoothed his hands over Locus’ hair. “There’s a world of options. You have time to get there. You are going to make it. I have absolutely no doubt about that. So you need to chill out. Stop holding yourself to some weird inhuman standard. You can do your homework when you have homework and study when you have tests, but you don’t have to let school be the only thing in your life.”

Locus sighed and leaned into Felix’s hands. “I’ve been kind of a shitty boyfriend lately, haven’t I?”

“No. But I am worried about you. Last semester was… tense.” Felix made a bit of a face as he considered. “You’re gonna make yourself really sick if you keep it up like that. You’re smart and you’re driven, you don’t need to be obsessed.”

“Is this an intervention over school?”

“... Yeah, pretty much.” Felix kissed Locus’ forehead. “All your studying is _tearing this family apart_.”

Locus knew Felix was joking, he grinned he laughed, he tried to mess up Locus’ hair despite it being tied back in a braid, but he wasn’t really _wrong_. How close had he come to destroying their relationship already? School absolutely had to be a priority, that was just realistic, but he’d gotten to treating Felix like a convenient stress relief at best, and and annoyance at worst.

“I will do better.” Locus promised and cupped Felix’s face in his hands. “I promise.”

Felix grinned and kissed him slowly. “Good.”

“I’m sorry for the way I’ve been.”

Felix kissed him again. “I know schools a really big, big deal.”

“So are you, and I haven’t treated you like you are.” Locus stroked Felix’s cheeks with his thumbs and lightly knocked their foreheads together. “You’re important to me. I love you.”

“I love you too, you giant nerd.” Felix grinned and pulled Locus out of the chair. “Let’s go see if the cafeteria has anything worth eating.”

\---

For some reason Felix expected Valentine’s day to be overwhelming. Movies and stories and TV always made it into an Event. Finally ask out the crush, time for big sweeping gestures and horrible gifts and everything romantic that possibly could happen happening all at once.

Instead they wore their nicest clothes and went to the restaurant that Felix had gotten a reservation at, and that was that really. But then, thinking of it logically they were already dating, and had been in something like a relationship for a lot longer than that. They’d confessed their feelings and gotten to the point where they were just… _used_ to each other. 

It wasn’t a bad thing. It was comfortable. Locus knew him, knew things he liked and things he didn’t. Felix didn’t have a point of comparison for it, Locus was such a major part of Felix’s life, but it just felt natural now. Every now and then there were startling little moments where Felix realised Locus had paid attention to something Felix did, or remembered some aspect of Felix’s life of his own free will. Locus paid honest attention to Felix and did things to make Felix’s life better. Sometimes just the idea of that was mind-blowing, that _anyone_ would go out of their way to make his life better. Felix hadn’t even thought to dream of something like this. It wasn’t something out of a fantasy, it was normal and comfortable and _real life_ That made it so much better.

“We should learn how to make sushi, considering how much you like it.” Locus smiled as they slid into the booth.

“You think we could? They definitely don’t teach that in Home Ec.” Felix grinned a little at the idea.

“Probably somewhere else, a private class that costs money, but if you wanted we could probably find one. Since you want to come here every time we have something special planned.” Locus laughed softly as Felix blushed.

“It just… feels like a special place. Y’know we came here and it was practically our first date even if it wasn’t technically, we did dinner and a movie it was basically a date. Even if we weren’t dating at the time at this point I kinda gotta admit there was _something_.” Felix shrugged a little and busied himself with the menu.

“There was definitely something. It took us a little while to figure it out, but I think there was _something_ for a long time.” Locus reached to squeeze Felix’s hand a little. “I’m glad there’s a place that means something to you. I like that we kind of have a place?”

“It’s kinda neat, right? It’s… it’s nice.” Felix squeezed Locus’ hand in return. “So this is Valentine’s Day.”

“So it is.” Locus shifted to look at his menu. “Our first Valentine’s day.”

Felix chewed his thumbnail for a second, staring at the pretty pictures of food. “Is it… weird it doesn’t feel, like, _huge_? Am I… doing something wrong?”

Locus frowned thoughtfully and Felix wondered if it had felt huge to Locus until Felix had said something. Maybe it was something wrong with Felix.

“Well. We do… kind of do this sort of thing commonly?” Locus offered after a moment. “We live together, we see each other every day. We’ve been through a lot of things that were comparatively pretty huge. But I think that’s okay. If everything was huge I think we would be very tired.”

Felix laughed a little and shook his head. “I guess. Huge has been pretty overwhelming over the course of our relationship. Maybe something like a date on Valentine’s day can just be nice?”

“I think we deserve nice. Something actually quiet for a change.” Locus set down his menu. “I think I like moments that aren’t huge, too. Just being here with you is good.”

“Sap.” Felix rubbed his face with his hands. “Little moments with you are good. I like having moments with you.”

“Maybe next Valentine’s day when we aren’t going to Charon we can do something huge and ridiculous.” Locus added thoughtfully. “Make a day of it, do stereotypically romantic things.”

“That could be hilarious.” Felix grinned. “Maybe we’ll be able to get away with acting like normal people for once? God what if we become normal people? I’ve been thinking of shopping for furniture and getting appliances.”

“Marvel of marvels.” Locus laughed. “I think maybe we’re growing up.”

“That’s a scary thought.”


	16. Making The Call

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Locus finds he has an Aunt.

 

 

Locus wasn’t the sort to fidget. That was Felix’s deal, Felix was always moving in some way; tapping his fingers, bouncing on his toes, chewing his nails. Locus typically found a spot and stayed in it. Unless he was nervous. It was a very clear and obvious tell when Locus started to fidget.

At first it wasn’t immediately clear that it was fidgeting, it started with Locus unbraiding his hair, brushing it out, then rebraiding it. Which was odd, but Locus was quietly vain about his hair. Felix knew it even if Locus himself hadn’t fully realised. Then he started sorting his notes instead of studying them. Felix didn’t know what the categories were but papers ended up on different files and then put into different binders and so on… But Locus was fussy about his notes. Felix didn’t know what was the proper way to keep information straight. It was when he ran out of things to pretend to be doing it became very obvious. He started fiddling with his braid, tapping the desk lightly, stretching his shoulders over and over. He kept taking deep breaths like he was about to say something and then letting them out. Inflate, hesitate, deflate, repeat.

“Is something up?” Felix raised an eyebrow as he studied Locus’ posture. Nervous, definitely but he didn’t seem embarrassed like he usually was when he was about to ask something about sex.

“Sort of.” Locus sighed heavily and rolled his braid between his hands. “I mean there is. I just don’t know… if I’m going to deal with it, yet. I’ve been trying to work that out.”

“What’s the issue?” Felix tossed his ereader aside on his bed and turned to face Locus.

“Well. I have an aunt. In the city. I guess.” Locus frowned and stared at his hands. “I mean I say aunt but that implies a degree of familiarity. My father had a sister, and she lives in the city.”

“That’s good isn’t it?” Felix tilted his head, Locus had been crushed to learn his parents were dead. Actual accessible family _should_ be good, right?

“It is. I think it is at least. I just don’t know what to do…” Locus sighed and shook his head. “She just lost her brother a year ago. She’s… She has no idea who I am. What if she doesn’t want to see me? What if she doesn’t want the reminder…”

Felix took in a breath and thought about that. He didn’t think Locus could handle much more rejection this year. Knowing his family somehow was important to Locus, there was a lot riding on this woman’s response. “I think you should try and reach out anyway.” He tilted his head side to side. “If you wait something might happen. I’m not saying as awful as like… she dies, but she might move or something. If you lose another chance I think it’ll eat you inside. I think you should take the chance.”

Locus nodded slowly, but didn’t look up. “I should. I don’t… it was so hard learning about my parents… but it will have been so real to her. They weren’t possibilities, they were her family. They were people she loved, probably. I’d just be the ghost of them.”

“But it _could_ be like gaining a family?” Felix shifted onto the floor in front of Locus to make eye contact. “You aren’t definitely going to be hard on her. You’re like… the long lost son. Nephew. It could be really good? I think it’s too important to not try.”

“You make me sound like… some fairy tale prince.” Locus snorted and Felix reached to take his hands.

“Aren’t you basically? Spirited away as a child you return to your family well travelled as an adult?” Felix grinned a little.

“I don’t think it’s going to work like that. And I’ve barely gone on vacations, I’m hardly well travelled.”

“You’re well travelled through life. You have a wealth of experiences. You’re a whole person now, and you can offer that.” Felix shrugged a little. “Besides you were telling me that you got to choose what you deserved or whatever. Maybe she needs the chance to decide what she can handle?”

Locus breathed something that was almost a laugh. “I don’t think I’m much of a trade if it comes to me and someone she already loves. But… she should get to choose. I just. I don’t… what if she chooses not to? What if she doesn’t want to see me?”

“Then she’s a bitch.” Felix scooted closer so he could lean his head against Locus’ knee. “You’re pretty great. Meeting you and getting to know you has been pretty great. If she doesn’t want to then she’s just not good enough to meet you.”

Locus reached to stroke Felix’s hair gently. “You have an inflated opinion of me. For the record.”

“I think it’s pretty accurate. You’re just a huge critic. You just never got the chance to be your friend so you don’t know.”

“Did that make sense?” Locus smiled crookedly.

“Totally. Perfect sense.” Felix grinned brightly. “So are you gonna get in touch with your aunt?”

“I… yeah. Yeah I’ll try.” Locus slumped a little. “If I don’t I’ll never know.”

“And if you never know it’ll hurt you more I think. In the long run, it’ll hurt more than if she doesn’t want to see you. ‘Cause I know you. You can’t live without knowing.”

“You’re probably right. I… I have to know.” Locus nodded.

“Are you going to call her?” 

“I think. She works for a college in the city. I found her online…” Locus trailed off.

“Cyber stalker.” Felix poked him and laughed.

“Probably. I was curious. I think it’s the same person. I hope it’s the same person.” Locus frowned and started playing with Felix’s hair. “I don’t know how common the name Jennifer Cardinal is? Maybe I’ll send her a short email.”

“Well it doesn’t have to be long. Just like… ‘are you my aunt? Wanna meet?’ or whatever.” Felix melted a little into the touch. He knew it was a serious conversation he should be paying attention to, but also Locus’ hands felt nice and relaxing.

“Probably not worded like that, but yeah. Check she’s the right person and ask if she’s interested in talking to me…” Locus sighed heavily. “Will you come with me? If she says yes? I don’t… I don’t want to go alone. I keep getting lost in my head over it. I don’t want to make an ass out of myself.”

“Of course I’ll go with you. You know you can count on me to be there for you. But I may not be the best accessory for making a good impression. I mean how are you going to explain your taste in men? Least appealing option available?” Felix stuck out his tongue at Locus.

“You aren’t. You’re so down on yourself lately.” Locus froze a little after a second. “What if she doesn’t approve though? Not of you, I mean, but that I have taste in men. That I have a boyfriend? What if that becomes a problem?”

“Then fuck her?” Felix shrugged a little. “But we don’t have to introduce me as your boyfriend. I can just be a supportive friend until we get a proper read on her.”

“I guess. I don’t really like the idea of lying to her, but… I think… I want to talk to her a little before she gives up on me.”

“Now you’ve already decided she’s homophobic. She might not be. She might be totally cool with it. Hell she might be a lesbian. _You_ don’t know. That’s the point of meeting her.” Felix reached to squeeze Locus’ knee a little bit. “But we don’t have to lie, we can just not tell the truth until we figure out where we stand.”

“Not telling the truth is the same as lying.”

“Nope, it’s totally different. The rules are different. You aren’t obligated to tell her everything. So you just withhold stuff that you don’t know how she’ll take.” Felix grinned brightly. “Avoidance is a good strategy. You have plenty of other things you can lead with. Good grades, athletic build, kindness. That sort of stuff.”

“I keep saying, just because I’m kind to you doesn’t mean I’m actually kind. And I don’t think she’ll care about my build.” Locus muttered dryly.

“Who wouldn’t care about your great build. She would totally be proud, her nephew's all buff and hot and stuff. You’re totally brag-about-able.”

“Brag-about-able. Isn’t English your best subject?”

“Fuck off, I’m technically ESL.” Felix laughed and shook his head. 

Locus laughed softly. “Thank you.”

“No problem, I am always here to be an asshole on your behalf.”

“You’re not being an asshole. And I appreciate this. I feel better. I had been… I was worrying myself sick. So thank you.” Locus brushed his fingers over Felix’s cheek and smiled sweetly.

“Yeah well. What are boyfriends for, right?”

\---

It took Locus over an hour to craft a simple email. 

“My name is Joseph Cardinal and I think you might be my aunt. I am really interested in meeting if you are. Thank you for your time.” 

It was almost painfully basic, and Locus worried for a long time before he finally hit send. He couldn’t think of anything else he could write. He didn’t know for certain it was his aunt so he didn’t want to give too much information. He didn’t feel the need to share anything deep or important. He didn’t want to fill it out with unnecessary flowery language. It seemed best to get straight to the point. She was probably busy, after all, she didn’t need a lot of information to decide whether or not she wanted to meet him.

Time she apparently did need, though. For over a week Locus found himself checking his email almost obsessively. He kept getting distracted away from homework just to check and make sure. 

“What if I got the wrong email address?” Locus frowned, and Felix got up to drape himself over Locus’ shoulder. “It was on the school website, but what if it’s not hers?”

“It had her name in it.” Felix pointed out. “She might have a lot of email, though. And a lot to deal with.”

“Or it might have gotten caught by the spam filter. She might not know I sent her an email.” Locus leaned back a little as Felix pulled him into a backwards hug.

“You could try phoning her?” Felix offered.

“But then what if she _did_ get the email, and then I just end up bothering her?” Locus sighed heavily. “And I’m not even sure… I would be able to make the call. I get so… I’m so bad at talking to people. It’s one thing to say three sentences in an email, but if I call her I have to talk to her.”

“You _want_ to talk to her.” Felix poked Locus’ cheek. 

“I want to eventually. Calling her, I have no idea what she thinks of me. I just have to bluff my way through things. I hate talking on the phone.” Locus began fiddling with the end of his braid. “I want to talk to her after I know she wants to talk to me.”

“Maybe… you said she worked at a school, right? Try calling in the middle of the day. She’ll be in class or have lunch or something and you can leave a message?” Felix hummed thoughtfully and rested his head against Locus’ shoulder. “Or send her like a physical letter. Though that would take even longer probably… and probably would be weirder? I mean no one sends letters except the government these days.”

“Maybe I should just wait a little while longer… maybe she did get the email. Besides what would I tell her to call me at? I don’t have a phone of my own, I’d have to use a school phone, and give her the school’s number. And then she’d know automatically that I go to _this_ school. And that can’t be encouraging.” Locus groaned and reached to refresh his email again.

“Well… then maybe give it a little more time, and try again?” 

“I think that’s all I can do…” 

“Hopefully she’ll get back to you soon.” Felix kissed Locus’ neck lightly. “For now come relax a little. You’re getting all up in your own head again.”

“I’m not--”

Felix leaned back and began pressing his thumbs into the muscles at the base of his neck. Locus could feel each time Felix found a knot of tension, but slowly melted as Felix worked to release it. It was hard to think of anything else to say as Felix slowly worked over Locus’ neck and shoulders, it ached but he felt his headache ease away.

“Felix…” Locus mumbled, thoroughly distracted now.

“Go lie on the bed. You’re a mess.” Felix laughed a little and slapped Locus’ shoulder. He pulled Locus’ shirt off and all but pushed him onto his bunk. “Hunching over books all day, stressing about everything in the world there is to stress over.”

Locus groaned but didn’t protest as he lay out on his stomach. Felix was going to start using this against him a lot, it was proving extremely effective. Felix was hardly a professional, but he didn’t need to be to make Locus feel loose and comfortable. It didn’t hurt that it was always nice to have Felix’s hands on him, rough as his fingers might be it made everything melt away for at least a few minutes. 

“Next time I go into town I am totally getting some of that warming massage oil shit they sell in the sex aisle. You _like_ this.” Felix’s tone was teasing, but he wasn’t _wrong_.

“You are a very welcome distraction.” Locus muttered into his pillow.

“It’s my main skill. I am a sexy sexy distraction.” Felix laughed. “And it is always a pleasure to grope you.” He punctuated the statement by grabbing Locus’ butt firmly, and Locus made a little squeak of surprise. “You’re fucking adorable, did you know that.”

“I am far too large to be adorable.” Locus protested.

“Nope. Definitely fucking adorable.”

\---

Another week passed and Locus was beginning to wonder if maybe it was a completely unrelated Jennifer Cardinal and he had just sent her a completely bizarre and unnecessary email. The file he’d been given hadn’t had a lot of information on his extended family. Maybe he’d gotten it wrong?

“Maybe she just doesn’t want to meet me.” Locus groaned and hid his face in his hands. “Maybe it’s too weird and too uncomfortable?”

“She hasn’t said _no_. She just hasn’t said yes, yet.” Felix offered and got up to stroke Locus’ hair lightly. 

“After this long? I think this is a no. She doesn’t want to meet me. She doesn’t want--”

“Well then fuck her. Fuck her stuck up bullshit.” Felix pulled Locus’ ear lightly. “She doesn’t know what she’s missing out on. You can have a family with me. And like… the guys. We’re basically family right? Or whatever family’s supposed to be like.”

Locus smiled a little and looked up at Felix. “You want to be family?”

“... Sure. Totally. I mean family is weird ground with me but like… fuck it. I’ll just make up a new thing that family means. You’re the best thing in my whole life so that’s definitely family.” Felix blushed and rolled his eyes.

Locus laughed and pulled him down for a kiss. “I love you, and I’m happy to be your family.”

“Sap.” Felix muttered and kissed him back.

\---

It took another week for a reply.

“If you really are Joseph then I would like to meet you. Does this Saturday work for you?”


	17. Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meeting Locus' aunt

Locus spent something like the entire week alight with nerves. He’d replied and sorted out a time, and fell into a deep unyielding dread. What if she didn’t like him? What if she was mean? What if she did end up upset that he was the sort of man to have a boyfriend? What if he screwed everything up? What if he said everything wrong? There were so many ways everything could end up an entire mess.

By the time Friday came upon him he was too sick to eat. His stomach hurt, his head hurt, he couldn’t sleep, he couldn’t think. What did you even say in situations like this? “Hi I’m probably your dead brother’s son. Please allow me to pull up all the pain of his loss by dropping myself into your life.”

Not going would be worse though, it would screw everything up and ruin any chance he had of connecting with his biological family. He didn’t know for sure what he wanted from them, but he needed to see. Felix in his attempts to inspire optimism kept pitching ideas like Locus would be welcomed like a son, with open arms. Locus knew by now that Felix didn’t really believe a lot of these things, he just wanted to make Locus feel better. In his defense there was a _possibility_ of something like that happening, but it was very unlikely. 

Locus was blood, but he wasn’t family. Jennifer didn’t know him, the last she had seen him might have been while he was barely a toddler. Locus wondered if he had been able to speak at that point. He didn’t know much about the developmental stages of infants. Probably he made noises and waddled around? Maybe that would work to his advantage. People loved babies. Maybe the fact that Jennifer only knew him as a baby was a good thing?

But… It had taken her nearly a month to respond. That didn’t seem like a good sign. And the response had been brief and doubting. “If you really are Joseph,” she had written. He didn’t blame her though. He hadn’t been completely sure she was the right person. And it was just an email, people could claim to be anyone through email. How was he going to prove it though? He had ID. Would that be enough? Or would she recognise him?

That was a ridiculous thought. He’d stared at the pictures in the file, at his parents’ faces, for hours trying to find himself in them. Felix said he could see a resemblance but Locus couldn’t sort it. Maybe it was just because it was his own face? People could be weird about their own faces… but if he couldn’t really see his parents why would Jennifer be able to? He was a strange man claiming to be a relative. Long lost. He was actually a long lost child of their family. It was so surreal to think that, main characters in fantasy novels were long lost children. 

“What do I even say?” Locus covered his face with his hands as he lay in his bunk with Felix. “This is so surreal. What would you say if you met your father?”

“I’d tell him he should’ve pulled out.” Felix said dryly, laying his head against Locus’ chest. “But that’s a totally different situation. You want this woman to like you. Probably just ask her about your parents?”

“Why would she want to talk about them? She just lost them. It’s just going to be painful…” Locus shook his head. “I don’t want to just… remind her of suffering.”

“Sometimes people like to talk about lost loved ones. Like. ‘It helps keep them alive’ or whatever. She has to know you’re going to ask. Anyone would want to know about their parents.” Felix frowned as Locus gave him a look. “Most people, normal people. People who aren’t damaged and crazy and me. _You_ want to know about your parents. She’s probably expecting that.”

“Maybe… I do want to know. I want to know what they were like. There’s so much information that wasn’t in the file. I want…” Locus sighed and Felix leaned up to kiss his chin.

“So ask her. Exchange pleasantries like ‘hi nice to meet you, people don’t really call me Joseph much anymore, really pleased you could make time for me’ shit like that. Emphasis how pleased you are she agreed to meet you. People like to feel important, let her know your time is valuable to you.” 

“You sound like you’re prepping me for a job interview.” Locus muttered.

“Well. Not really but kinda? You wanna leave a good impression, you want her to like you and want to see more. So you gotta put your best face forward or whatever.” Felix shrugged. “I know I’m really good at pissing people off, but I have also been good at making people like me. Even to my detriment, might I add. So yeah. Get her talking about her and stuff. People _love_ talking about themselves. She’ll probably politely ask you questions in turn. A lot of people mirror questions, so don’t ask her a question you aren’t prepared to answer yourself.”

“And you worry about getting a job when we graduate.” Locus shook his head with a slight wry grin.

“Oh I’ll be great at the interview, if they don’t get too caught up in my totally dashing facial scar, it’s the resume part I’m not sure about. How do you charisma through a resume?” Felix waved a hand. “Anyway. Not the point. Start with saying how happy you are she met with you, lead into questions about her, then ask questions about your parents. Hopefully she’s a talker?”

“She was very brief in her emails.” Locus covered his face with his hands again.

“She doesn’t know you’re you yet. Give her a chance to like you. You’re great. It will be her privilege to be related to you.” Felix reached and pulled Locus’ hands down. “You’re worrying more than you need to.”

“I think I’m worrying just the right amount. This is a situation where worrying is very applicable.”

“Sleep, nerd. She might not find your zombie face as endearing as I do.” Felix squirmed to kiss Locus soundly. “We will work it out and deal with it when it happens. So sleep.”

“I love you. Thank you for being with me for this.”

“Of course I am. I love you too. Now _sleep_.”

\---

Locus was pretty sure he was going to faint. Maybe throw up. The halls of the history wing seem to stretch on forever, but apparently somewhere in this maze Jennifer has her office. He and Felix had agreed not to hold hands or touch too casually until they could figure her out, but now he regretted that decision. He wished he could reach out and take Felix’s hand for the grounding, something real and solid and secure. Straight men don’t typically hold hands with other men, he didn’t want to lose his chance before he even had it.

“Here…” He announced, somewhat unnecessarily as he stopped in front of her door. Her name was on it. Jennifer Cardinal. 

Felix gave his arm a quick squeeze before stepping back to give Locus what he assumed was Appropriate Heterosexual Personal Space. This was going to get ridiculous if it kept up.

Locus knocked lightly and tried to get his shaking hands under control as he waited for an answer. 

The woman who came to the door was… strikingly young. Her early or mid thirties? He knew she was his father’s younger sister, but he had always considered parents as… older. Of course at his age his father had already had _him_ , so that was probably why. His parents really had been young when they had him. He couldn’t imagine having a child.

“H-hello. I’m-- I’m Joseph.” It had been so long since he used the name Joseph. It felt clunky and foreign, he knew it was his name but it didn’t feel like it belonged to him anymore. He almost slipped up. The idea of explaining to her why he had shunned her brother’s name for him seemed terribly ridiculous now.

She studied him for a long moment in silence and Locus felt himself flush under her scrutiny. 

“You are, arent’ you?” She smiled a little, finally and held the door open to let him in. “I wasn’t sure if you would be, but you look like Tom.”

Locus flushed more and stepped in. “I’m sorry.”

“For looking like Tom?” She smiled wryly, then raised an eyebrow at Felix as he followed Locus inside.

“Hi. I’m Felix, I’m just here as emotional support. Feel free to ignore me.” Felix grinned a little and waved and Locus envied the ease he seemed to be able to muster words.

“I see.” She hummed thoughtfully for a moment. “I think I still have three mugs in here. Do you boys want tea? I only have green…”

“Tea sounds. Good. Thank you.” Locus’ sentences were short and choppy and he felt like he was making an ass out of himself.

“Yes please.” Felix said, more politely than Locus had ever heard him speak. He wanted to mention as much but it was not the time to tease Felix about his manners.

“Good. Good. You can take a seat, too. Here. They’re office chairs, I know they’re not the most comfortable. I don’t really… have guests here much.” She pushed her long black hair back out of her face and sighed looking over her office. It was small and cluttered with books and papers. 

Locus and Felix both sat down and she busied herself for a moment making tea, the electric kettle had already been on, she had been prepared.

“So… Sorry, god. I almost didn’t actually expect it to be you.” Jennifer shook her head as she handed out the mugs. “That sounds awful. I’m sorry. I mean I didn’t… you were so small when they took you away. I just always imagine you like that. I guess I forgot kids grow up.”

“It-- It’s all right. I didn’t… I should have gotten in contact with you another way, I just wasn’t sure…” Locus was suddenly very glad for the tea, it gave him something to look at and sip when he felt like he was about to start babbling. “I didn’t know what to expect.”

“I didn’t either. I thought maybe it was a joke… I don’t know why, no one else knows. I mean it’s been so long, I don’t think anyone knows about you to lie about you. It just seemed so surreal. But then, here you are. And so big. God, you’re an adult now, aren’t you?” Jennifer seemed to be a fidgeter, touching her face and moving her mug around as she gathered her thoughts. 

“I. I turned eighteen in September.” Locus nodded numbly. “You’re much… younger than I was expecting.”

“I am? Well, god I was only thirteen when you were born. God, Tom would have gotten such a kick out of you.” She sighed and shook her head. 

“Would he have? I mean… i-if you’re comfortable… I mean…” Locus cut himself off with a sip of his tea.

Jennifer laughed a little and shook her head. “I don’t _mind_. And yeah, he would have. Oh you’re taller than him he would have pouted a little, but I think he really would have been amazed to meet you. His baby boy all grown up. He and Melody, they still had pictures of you, when you were a baby? They didn’t talk a lot about it, I think it just made them sad, but they had that family picture they took after you were born in their living room.”

“Really?” Locus felt breathless with the idea. They had wanted him, they hadn’t forgotten him. There were pictures of him living with them, somewhere. 

“They loved you, I’ll try and see where the pictures ended up. Mama might have them. Oh she’s going to be so shocked too. Oh. She will be so mad I didn’t tell her right away. Can I take a picture of you and send it to her? On my phone? She’ll be so excited.” Jennifer jumped up out of her chair and lifted a few piles of papers until she found her phone.

“Oh. Um. Sure? You… my grandmother?” Locus felt like his throat was very dry, everything moved at such a speed he had no idea what to do. He expected someone… more mature seemed a rude thing to think. Someone more together? He felt overwhelmed.

“Uh-huh!” Jennifer held up her phone and Locus tried to smile as she took a picture. “She’s going to be so amazed. I think we all just thought… you know, that we’d never see you again? And when Tom and Melody… I just didn’t expect you to show up. God you look _so much_ like Tom. Quieter, I think. Tom was such a shit, Mama said he had ants in his pants. He had too much energy.”

“Really? I look… do I really look that much like him?” Locus gripped his mug tight and watched Jennifer type something on her phone and set it aside.

“You really do. Just like he did, well, just like he did when you were born. Only he was smaller. I don’t think he worked out so much. I mean he was active but you’re pretty big. Though maybe you got that from Melody’s family. We only met them a little… last year.” Jennifer pushed her hair back again and seemed to take a second to get back on track. “They were pretty tall and some of them seemed to hold muscle… Oh they live in Hawaii. I suppose you’d want to know that wouldn’t you. God they’re your family, too. Melody’s whole family lived in Hawaii. She came up here for school and stayed for Tom.”

“My m-- She was from Hawaii? What... um. What was she like?” Locus glanced between his tea and Jennifer. “What were _they_ like?”

“She was shy. Around new people at least. It took her a little while to get used to us, even after she started dating Tom she didn’t have much to say. But once she got familiar she was a lot of fun. We used to tease her for being selectively shy, because we’d forget about it until someone new came along. She got used to us and she’d speak her mind and joke around, but new people she buttoned right up. I remember when I was little I thought she was being a snob, you know before she got comfortable around me? She was like my sister after a while, she was very supportive and sweet. She would have loved you. She did love you, but she would have loved to have met you now.” Jennifer smiled a little sadly. “Tom was never shy. Tom never learned to shut up. He was five years older than me, so it was a little weird sometimes. We fought you know, like siblings? But he still helped me with my homework, and covered for me with Mama when I snuck out. He was very kind, even when he was being a brat. He was gonna try and go back to school this year…” Jennifer seemed very sad for a moment then she shook her head. “He used to say, you know, he didn’t think he’d be able to graduate… but he said I inspired him. Though he used to say if I could do it then of course he could do it. He was such a shit.”

“I’m sorry…” Locus said softly. It was incredibly painful to think of them, to hear about them as people. _Real_ people. But for all the pain he was in it had to be nothing compared to what thinking about it was for Jennifer. 

“Thank you. It was hard. It was really hard, last year. They were both so… _so alive_? They were still so young and had so much planned. They could have met _you_! There was so much there.” Jennifer nodded slowly. “We’re still sort of… dealing with it all. We boxed everything up from their house to clean it out, and now we’re still sorting it all. Tom was… well _he’d_ say he was a collector, I’d call him two steps away from a hoarder. He just liked so many things, dumb t-shirts and funny toys. He would go to antique stores and find the weirdest junk. And Melody. Melody made crafts in her spare time. She would make really beautiful jewelry and really neat like… centerpieces and stuff like that? She liked to make costumes too. Like for halloween only for like nerdy stuff. Like you see on TV, those comic conventions and stuff? She was such a nerd. She kept trying to convince me to go with her… I wish I had.”

“I wish… I had gotten to meet them.” Locus mumbled into his tea.

“I wish you had too. They would have loved you so much.” Jennifer jumped a little when her phone dinged and picked it up. She laughed a little. “Mama says you’re very handsome! She’s so happy to see you. She says her and Papa have to come into town to visit you.”

“They… they want to meet me?” Locus tried very hard to convince himself there was a reasonable explanation for his throat feeling tight. He didn’t want to get emotional in front of Jennifer, not now…

“Of course they do! They absolutely do. Mama is going to gush so much. Papa is going to be proud you’re a big strong man, he can be so silly like that sometimes. But of course they want to meet you.” Jennifer smiled and set down her phone. “I’m sorry I was so… god I had no idea how to feel about this. I should have responded sooner. I wasn’t welcoming I… I didn’t know how to deal with… with the _reality_ of you.”

“I took… I took a long time to email you.” Locus admitted quietly. “I wasn’t sure how… what would happen. I can understand hesitance. It’s… it’s all very surreal.”

“Surreal is the word for it.” Jennifer laughed a little. “And god. I haven’t asked you a thing about yourself. Are you still in high school? What do you do?”

“I’m. Yes, I’m still in high school. I don’t really do much. I do school work. I have some friends that I spend time with. I’ve been working very hard at school lately, though.” Locus shrugged a little helplessly, he should have prepared more for her to be interested in him.

“I guess the last year of high school is a little intense, huh?” Jennifer smiled a little, then raised an eyebrow when Felix snorted. It seemed she’d almost forgotten he was there.

“Sorry.” Felix mumbled. “That just… intense is a good word for his study habits.”

Locus made a face at Felix and Jennifer laughed. 

“A fellow nerd in the family?” She grinned.

“I… I suppose. I want to go to college, and… my grades are important, so…” 

“What are you looking into taking? Do you have that planned out yet?” 

“I’ve been thinking engineering. It seems like a good job… I like maths and sciences, so…” Locus shrugged again. He felt painfully boring in contrast to the family she’d described.

“That sounds good. Tom and Melody would have been so proud of you. Tom always wished he’d worked harder at school. What high school are you going to now? Do then have a good program?”

Locus winced a little and stared at his mug. “I’m… I’m going to Charon right now…” He wished he could sink into the floor. He was dreading this question.

“Bit of a troublemaker, huh?” Jennifer raised an eyebrow but didn’t seem to be judging, at least not too aggressively.

Felix snorted again. “Not _hardly._ ”

“ _Felix_.” Locus winced again.

“Oh?” Jennifer raised her eyebrows curiously.

“Locus is just pure nerd. He keeps tryin’ to tell me he was trouble as a kid, but he’s totally soft these days. Now he has eyes only for homework.” Felix grinned at Locus, and for all Locus was deeply embarrassed it was good to have Felix as a buffer for this. He didn’t know how he was going to explain delinquency to someone he was trying to impress.

“God I remember that. You keep that up you’ll be well prepared for college, kiddo.” She winked with a bit of a laugh. “And don’t worry, we have a little experience with troublemakers in this family. I was apparently a holy terror and the reason for all Mama’s grey hairs. At least that’s what she tells me I remember being a perfectly normal teenager.”

Locus chuckled softly and ducked his head. “Thank you.”

“Of course. God it’s so good to meet you again…” Jennifer shook her head and leaned back in her chair. “God damn.”

They ended up setting up another meeting, after all Locus’ grandmother and grandfather wanted to meet him. Locus didn’t know how he was going to handle all of this. Jennifer gave him her address and they set a date for later in the month to meet up for dinner.

“Is it all right. I mean, this is odd, is it all right if Felix comes again?” Locus could feel himself flushing and Jennifer studied him again. “I’m sorry. I’m-- I’m nervous. I get nervous. I just--”

“It will be fine.” Jennifer said softly. “It will be just fine if you bring Felix. We don’t want to make you scared.”

“I’m not. I mean I’m not _scared_ of you. I’m just…” Locus shook his head. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. It’s all kind of crazy intense. I’ll have Mama and Papa there and I’ll be all secure in my home. You can bring your… friend?” There was just the slightest emphasis on ‘friend’ and Locus felt like his face was very hot.

“Is… is it a problem. I mean the. Question mark.” Locus stammered a little and Jennifer put a hand on his arm.

“It’s not a problem. Mama and Papa might not get it properly, they’re older… but they won’t… be angry or anything. They just… might not get it.” Jennifer shrugged a little bit. 

Locus nodded silently and Jennifer gave his arm a little squeeze. 

“It’s good to meet you, Joseph. Thank you for getting in contact.”

“It was very good to meet you, too. Thank you for responding?”

Jennifer laughed and nodded. “You kids take care. Don’t forget about supper. Stay in touch, okay?”

“Okay. I. I will try. I don’t have a phone, so…” Locus stammered awkwardly.

“Well. At least we have email.”

Locus and Felix walked out into the hall and Jennifer waved them off as they headed out.

“Did that just happen?” Locus mumbled, feeling a little overwhelmed and numb.

“I _think_ you just got a family.” Felix grinned a little and bumped his arm.

“This is kind of… insane?” Locus shook his head a little as he tried to fully grasp the idea.

“Definitely at least a little insane.” Felix laughed. “But pretty good, right?”

“Yeah. Yeah, it’s good. I think I have a family…”

“Congratulations, zombie.” Felix reached to squeeze Locus’ hand gently, and Locus smiled at him warmly.


	18. Processing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a lot to take in and get ready for

Felix wasn’t jealous. Jealousy would be childish and petty and small, and he wasn’t jealous. He was happy, really, he was. This was the outcome he had hoped for, he’d said Locus would end up welcomed with open arms and he was. This was good. Locus wanted a family desperately, he didn’t admit it, but he wanted it. He’d been crushed at the loss of his parents and terrified that Jennifer would reject him, so this reality was the best reality that could have come about. Locus had an aunt who accepted him as if he had always been family, grandparents who were travelling specifically to meet him. Somewhere in Hawaii there were more people he was related to that he might be able to get in contact with. He might have more aunts and uncles who wanted to meet him.

Locus had a family, and Locus was overwhelmed by it all, he didn’t know how to handle that positivity. Locus had curled up with Felix in their bunk and gasped for air as he processed the fact that he had a family that wanted him. That his family had always wanted him. Locus had always, even when he hadn’t known it, been loved. Felix had stroked Locus’ hair and held him as he shifted between laughter and tears, panic and uncertainty and overwhelming joy. They wanted to know him. They wanted to be a part of his life.

Felix wasn’t jealous.

Locus had slept in the next morning and Felix had wandered through the school trying to get out of his own head. He was _happy_. He wanted Locus to be loved, and accepted, and happy. So it wasn’t right that something was aching inside of him. He was sure he was simply being immature. Locus had been his, in a way. Locus had been like him, alone and without and the same. Now he wasn’t. 

Now Felix was just… alone.

Locus’ family had always loved him, Felix’s family had _never_ loved him. 

He found himself sprawled on the roof again. It was such a good place to hide out and think. Especially at 5 in the morning when everyone was asleep and the sun was only barely starting to rise. He watched the colours shift in the sky and tried to make himself be happy like he knew he should be.

Felix was not Ross. Felix didn’t expect to be the only thing in Locus’ life. Not _really_. They had friends they cared about, that they’d called family. He hadn’t felt hurt when it was Kaylee, Abbey and Anthony that were family. They were _their_ family. Jennifer was Locus’ family.

The Cardinals were exclusively Locus’ family. They loved Locus and accepted him. They weren’t anything to Felix, and Felix wasn’t anything to them.

Felix wasn’t jealous.

He was just being stupid. He didn’t know what he wanted. He’d _wanted_ Locus to be accepted into his family, now he felt like sulking because of it. It wasn’t like he wanted his family, Felix’s family was awful. Just thinking about his own family made Felix feel raw and a little ill. He didn’t want his own family… He wanted… 

He wanted Locus to be his family. He felt like now that Locus wasn’t like him anymore Locus wouldn’t relate to him anymore. Locus already had trouble with the fact that Felix wanted nothing to do with his family, that Felix _hated_ his family and they hated him back. Now Locus had a family that would love him, that he would probably come to love in turn and Felix was…

Felix only loved Locus. Felix only had Locus. 

Felix felt _pathetic_. There was no real reason for this to feel like he was losing Locus, but he couldn’t shake it. 

He’d accepted that the others had loving families. That for all Kaylee’s parents seemingly fought and Anthony’s parents compared him to his brother and Abbey’s parents ran out of patience with her, their parents loved them. In that mushy stupid unwavering way that parents were supposed to love their kids. And it wasn’t that Felix had hoped Locus’ parents had hated him too, he didn’t want Locus to feel that. But something felt empty now. Everyone else was wanted, everyone else was loved. 

Until recently, _so_ recently, Felix had never been loved by anyone in his entire life. 

It _hurt_ , and he hated himself that it was all he could think of, that it was consuming him. The sky began to glow with the first touches of sunlight and Felix _hated_ himself. Just like everyone else had hated him.

He felt so unbearably tired. Locus had a family to love him, just like the others. He wasn’t like Felix. 

Felix was alone, unwanted and unloved and… empty.

He had to get it under control. He couldn’t ruin all of this for Locus. This was so big and so important and so right for Locus, Felix couldn’t ruin it with his own damage. So he watched the sky and focused on being anything other than what he was.

He needed to be happy and supportive. That’s what Locus needed of him, so that’s what Felix needed to be. 

\---

“You’re chipper.” Kaylee pointed out over lunch on Sunday. Weekends didn’t have a schedule but sometimes they fell into one anyway. Lunchtime was just lunchtime.

“I am?” Locus looked up at her, then smiled a little. “I guess a little.”

“What happened you were like… one wrong move away from a panic attack all week.” Abbie tore a piece off of her sandwich and popped it into her mouth.

“I… well I found out I have an aunt a little while ago. I met her yesterday.” Locus looked back down at his lunch, but continued to look pleased. “She was nice. And welcoming. I’m going to meet my grandparents in a few weeks.”

“Really?” Abbey grinned widely. “That’s amazing! Like your parents’ family? Bio-parents?”

“Yeah. My biological parents are dead, but… I still seem to have a family. It’s my father’s family. They want to meet me.” Locus shrugged a little.

“Right on. Congratulations, man. That’s really good to hear.” Anthony laughed a little. “Grandparents are great. Sometimes a little crazy, but pretty great.”

“I hope so. I’m… I’m really looking forward to meeting them. Jennifer was… she told me a lot about my parents. It feels like learning something new about myself. I wasn’t sure about it but… it’s nice. It’s really… really nice.” Locus flushed a bit and picked at his food.

“I’m really glad for you.” Kaylee smiled a little. “You going to keep meeting with them? Like beyond just the first getting to know them?”

“I think so. I still… I guess I need to make a good impression on my grandparents, but Jennifer seemed to think they’d like me… But I’d like to stay in touch with them. I don’t really know how this is supposed to work, but I hope we can… something. It took a long time to meet them, I hope I can keep talking with them.”

“You’ll make a good impression.” Felix grinned and leaned against Locus’ arm. “What’s not to love about you, you’re a big athletic, shy, nerd. You’re totally grandparent material.”

“Totally.” Abbey agreed with a laugh. “You’ve got everything going for you.”

“Except Charon.” Locus made a bit of a face.

“Please. Jennifer barely batted an eye at that. You’re fine.” Felix swatted his arm lightly. “You’re the perfect grandson, all polite and shit. They’ll love you.”

“Thank you…” Locus smiled a little again and ducked his head.

“Plus. You know Jennifer now, you can totally email her and get info about them to prepare. Find out what your grandparents like. Ooo we’ll take you shopping and get you a nice sweater-vest or something. Really play up the sweet mild-mannered dork.” Felix laughed and squeezed Locus’ arm lightly. 

“Do you think a sweater-vest would help? I feel like I would look weird in a sweater-vest.” Locus frowned thoughtfully and Felix laughed a little harder.

“You could rock anything. You’re fucking flawless.” Felix rolled his eyes.

“You _are_ basically built like a comic book hero.” Anthony snickered a little. “Who doesn’t want Superman as a grandson?”

Locus covered his face with his hands to cool his blush and Felix cackled. 

\---

“Do you think it’s alright to refer to my grandparents as my grandparents?” Locus paced the bedroom as he braided his hair. The room was small and Locus’ legs were long, it took barely two steps to cross the space.

“Well they _are_ your grandparents?” Felix raised an eyebrow and stretched on his bunk.

“I know. But is it like… too forward? I’ve never met them. I’m not… It’s different?” Locus sighed and tied off the braid. “I don’t even. I don’t think I feel comfortable calling her Aunt Jennifer. That seems so. It’s so… strange.”

“Well I don’t think you have to. Maybe you just use their names?” Felix offered. “I mean until you get more familiar with them?”

“You think there will be a chance for that?” Locus sighed and scrubbed his face with his hands. 

“Of course there will be. They’re going to want to get to know you for a while.” Felix yawned widely and caught Locus’ arm before he could pace back again. “Seriously. They wouldn’t be acting all interested if they weren’t interested. The way Jennifer acted they wanted you to be part of the family not a kid they met up with once and forgot about.”

“You’re right. She did… I just.” Locus sighed hopelessly and let Felix pull him down to sit on the bed. “I don’t really know what to do. I don’t know how to deal with all of this. They want to meet me and know me, but it seems like they have some expectations? I don’t know how I’m supposed to be what they want me to be.”

“You don’t. You be yourself. It might be weird for a little bit, but like… you’re great.” Felix curled up against Locus and pressed his face against Locus’ shoulder. “They’re gonna love you ‘cause you’re great. And you’re family.”

Locus shifted so he could wrap his arms around Felix, and Felix lay his head against Locus’ chest. “Thank you for coming with me. I don’t know how I’d deal with this alone.”

“You’d be fine.You’d blush and be cute and they’d love you anyway.” Felix laughed a little and clung to Locus’ shirt. “But you got me. I’ll be there. Whatever you need.”

Locus stroked Felix’s hair lightly and focused on calming down, settling his nerves. There was so much he was looking forward to, and so much he was afraid of. He didn’t know really how to be in someone’s family, but he wanted it so much. He wanted to be someone his _family_ wanted to know. 

“Maybe I could invite them to graduation?” Locus mumbled as he smoothed his fingers through Felix’s hair.

“You should. I think they’d probably like that.” Felix leaned into his touch. “Show them you want them in your life, and stuff.”

“Yeah… I’ll do that.” Locus smiled softly as he watched Felix curl up against him, showing his own exhausted side. For all Felix liked to tease him in the mornings, Felix didn’t do late nights very well. Locus felt a little bad, he’d probably been fretting too long, keeping Felix awake. He was so wired with nerves and the idea of meeting his grandparents. 

Jennifer had said they were interested, they were kind and they were happy he’d approached them. She said they’d like him, that she’d liked him. She had been very positive, and much more talkative in her emails now that she knew it was really him. She’d shared stories about when Locus had been a baby, when she had babysat for him. Locus really wasn’t sure how to deal with it all. The reaction was so much more than he’d expected.

He’d thought at most they wouldn’t mind talking to him, that they’d be maybe casual enough to talk to him about their family, give him some information. He thought they’d be nice but not… this. Not welcoming like this. It was like no matter what happened in the sixteen years he’d been gone, he never stopped being their family. It was like they just decided to pick up where they had left off and he was floundering to keep up. 

They wanted him. Jennifer talked about future visits and continued interactions and family get-togethers. She asked what he did for holidays and hinted at invitations to family celebrations. He ended up babbling about it to Felix, and Felix laughed at his astonishment.

Felix would say ‘who wouldn’t love you?’ and laugh. The answer was quite a few people, but Felix had so much faith in him. He had faith that Locus would have a family, that Locus would have a career, that Locus would have a future. He never seemed to run out of faith in Locus.

He chuckled a little when he realised Felix had begun to doze off leaning against him. He got up and shifted Felix so he was curled up properly in bed, then lay down beside him. He didn’t know how he would make it through all of this without Felix’s support. He was glad that Jennifer said it was alright for Locus to bring Felix with him to meet up. 

It was all so very overwhelming, he was so grateful that Felix gave him so much stability.


	19. Meeting the Cardinals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Supper with Locus' grandparents

Locus and Felix rang the buzzer at Jennifer’s apartment at 5:45pm, it was a little bit early but Locus was anxious about being late so he decided they should give themselves ample time to get there. Jennifer buzzed them in and they made their way up to her apartment. Locus was swiftly forgetting how to breathe until Felix tugged on his braid.

“You’ve already won, Locs.” Felix grinned a little. “Stop bracing.”

“I. Right. Sorry…” Locus shook his head and took a deep breath before knocking on Jennifer’s door.

“Hi!” Jennifer opened the door with a grin and waved them inside. Her apartment was decent sized from what Locus could see, a proper kitchen and attached dining room waited for them. “Mama and Papa are running a bit late, they got caught in traffic. I’m making spaghetti. I hope that’s all right? I’m so used to cooking for one now, pasta at least the measurements are basically ‘just put more in’ and I don’t have to worry.”

“Spaghetti is just fine. Thank you.” Locus smiled softly and Felix nodded his agreement. “Do you need help with anything?”

“No, no. Everything’s just simmering or whatever at this point. I’ll throw the noodles in when Mama and Papa get here so nothing gets overdone.” Jennifer waved him off with a laugh. “I’m going to just start setting the table. You can tell me about your day? Oh! Oh shoot do you have any food allergies? God I should have asked that before cooking supper.”

“No, I don’t I’m fine.” Locus waved his hands a little awkwardly.

“None here either.” Felix grinned. 

“Oh that’s good. That’s lucky! I’m lactose intolerant and it’s a complete pain in the ass.” Jennifer laughed with relief and started pulling out plates from her cabinets. “So how has school been? You said you’re mostly taking electives right now?”

“Yeah, so it’s a lot easier. I have a Physics and Biology this semester, but otherwise it’s Psychology, First Aid and an introductory class on business.” Locus held out his hands and took the plates from her. “It’s a lighter load than last year.”

“That’s a varied collection of electives.” Jennifer grinned and started taking out cutlery from a drawer. “I thought you were going into engineering? Why a business class?”

“It seemed, it’s mostly about how to interact in a professional setting and networking and… I think it will be useful in getting places?” Locus shrugged a little.

“That’s pretty clever. I just bullshit my way through a lot of stuff. I really would have done better with some planning at your age.” She paused for a moment and winced. “God I need to remember to watch my tongue I’m so used to people my own age. Mama will be mad if I don’t keep an eye on that.”

Felix laughed and took the cutlery. “Promise not to tell.”

“That’s very good of you. What are you taking, Felix?” Jennifer let him, and took out some glasses before leading them into the dining room.

“I’m in Creative Writing, Home Ec, Personal Finances, and Driver’s ed. I have a spare too, because I’m not as much of an achiever.” Felix shrugged a little. He mostly used his spare for naps, though he had taken the fact that he was the only one without a driver’s licence as a personal challenge. Locus hadn’t even known there _was_ Driver’s Ed provided by their school.

“Those sound practical too, you two are the most well thought out teenagers I’ve ever met.” Jennifer snorted as they began setting out dishes. “Most of my friends didn’t learn cooking until we graduated college. I lived on cup of noodle and easy mac, Mama was so unimpressed.”

“See it’s normal for teenagers not to learn cooking.” Locus muttered to Felix who rolled his eyes.

“Ooo is this a sore subject?” Jennifer snickered.

“Naw, we just had Christmas with our friends and _apparently_ I’m the only one who knows how to make food.” Felix shook his head with a grin. “I’ve been planning on having my own place forever, though, so… I mean someone’s gotta learn how to cook, right? And _this_ guy’s too busy getting _educated_.”

Locus ruffled Felix’s hair slightly and smiled, it was good to see Felix talking a bit, he’d been so quiet when they’d met Jennifer.

“You guys are going to get a place together, then?” Jennifer looked around the table and went to grab a pitcher of juice from the kitchen. 

“Yes, we’re still trying to figure out the practicalities of it, but we’re planning on it as soon as we graduate.” Locus nodded and clasped his hands together, unsure what to do with them.

“I’m gonna get a job, Locus is gonna go to school, figure we’ll be able to afford _something_. We’ve been living in a tiny bunk for the past three years anything’s gonna be better.” Felix shrugged a little.

“Are your parents helping you sort that out?” Jennifer put her hands on her hips casually and looked at the two of them thoughtfully.

Felix went a little bit pale, but was spared having to come up with an answer by the ringing of Jennifer’s phone.

“Oh that’ll be them! Sorry.” Jennifer ran to pick up the phone and greeted seemingly Locus’ grandparents. She pressed a button on the phone to buzz them in.

Locus briefly pressed his hand to the small of Felix’s back to steady him a bit, and Felix shot him a little grin.

“Ready to meet your grandfolks?” Felix laughed a little and reached to poke Locus’ forehead.

“Ready as I’m going to get.” Locus muttered as there was a knock on the door.

The couple that Jennifer let in appeared to be in their early sixties, the woman looked like an aged version of Jennifer with silver in her hair and slight laugh-lines on her face. Locus could see a resemblance to Jennifer in the man, too, and signs of joy in his aging. Their faces had creased slightly from laughter and expression, Locus hoped that was a good sign. 

He wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do at this point and was floundering a little trying to figure out if he should introduce himself right away or not when the woman crossed the room to him. 

“There is my boy.” She held out her hands and smiled warmly. “You really do look like Tom. Look at you, home at last.”

Locus flushed and felt a lump form in his throat as he let her pull him into a hug. “Th-thank you… It’s. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

“Oh don’t you be so formal with me, I may not have seen you for sixteen years but I changed your diapers.” Her face split into a grin and she gripped him by the shoulders to get a good look at him. “You’ve grown to be such a big young man! Tom wasn’t even six feet, and you… you look like you hit your head on doors.”

“That… has happened a time or two.” Locus admitted softly with a little smile. 

“He didn’t get that from you, or we wouldn’t need stepping stools all over the house.” Locus’ grandfather commented dryly. He reached out a hand and Locus took it, it was more of a squeeze than a shake and the man smiled warmly. “Thank you, for coming back to us.”

Locus had to duck his head at that, he had no idea what to say. They were just as welcoming as Jennifer, just as kind as he’d barely dared to hope for. His grandmother cooed a little and hugged him again. 

“He’s a shy giant, Mama. Be gentle on him.” Jennifer joked as Locus’ grandmother reluctantly let him go. 

“Your mother was shy, too.” The woman grinned crookedly. “I still don’t know how Tom didn’t just scare her away. She was tough once she got comfortable but she was so quiet around new people.”

“Some people manage to stay through the nervous stage…” Locus mumbled a little and Felix snorted.

His grandmother looked over, only just noticing that there was someone else in the room. “And you would be Joseph’s friend Felix, wouldn’t you?”

“That would be me.” Felix grinned a little awkwardly and held out a hand to shakes hers and then Locus’ grandfather’s. “Good to meet you.”

“I’m Alice, this is Ken. Thank you for taking care of our boy here. It’s good to have friends looking out for you.” Alice beamed and clasped Locus’ arm again. “Oh it’s so good to see you. I didn’t know what to do with myself when Jenny sent me that photo.”

“You’ve grown up well.” Ken put a hand on Locus’ shoulder and patted it lightly. “And strong, too from the looks of it. Play any sports?”

Locus flushed and shook his head. “There aren’t any sports at our school. I just work out.”

“Well that’s just a waste. You look like you’d be excellent at football.” Ken frowned thoughtfully.

“ _Papa_.” Jennifer groaned and shook her head. 

“You have eyes Jennifer, you can see how big the boy is.” Ken huffed indignantly, but didn’t have any bite to his tone. It seemed an affectionate sort of squabble.

“Joseph wants to be an engineer, he takes his studies very seriously.” Jennifer grinned and ducked back into the kitchen to check the pasta.

“Oh! An engineer is a good job!” Alice beamed and swatted Ken lightly. “A serious student would be a welcome change in our family.”

“Mama!” Jennifer whined from the kitchen. “I did better in college!”

“I know you did, Jenny. But just thinking of you in high school gives me more grey hair.” Alice snorted. “How many times did the school have to call to tell me you weren’t there?”

Jennifer made a dismayed noise but didn’t respond further.

“So college is your plan after graduation?” Ken asked, casually derailing Alice’s playful scolding.

“Yes, I hope so at least. I’m going to be applying.” Locus nodded a little shyly. 

“That’s good. It’s good to have it all sorted out at your age. You don’t see that a lot, it’ll put you ahead of the game.” Ken gave Locus an approving look. “Tom was a father at your age, I think that changed a lot of his plans. He’d be proud of you for planning on success.”

“Thank you.” Locus mumbled a little and flushed hot. “That means a lot.”

“Okay, spaghetti’s ready. Everybody take a seat!” Jennifer called.

\---

Chatting over supper was slowly more casual, Locus began to relax as he learned more about Alice and Ken. They were a very kind couple, very open and welcoming to Locus. Alice was sarcastic and chipper, and a retired librarian. She loved books and people and had rough hands from gardening. She bragged happily about how well her garden had done last summer, and explained that she was already working on planting some of the seeds for this year. She offered to bring Locus some of her produce once her garden came in, she was so proud of how well everything grew.

Ken was a bit more serious, with a quiet sense of humour and obvious love for his wife’s enthusiasm. He still worked as a mechanic, but was likely to retire in the next few years. He said he still liked having something to keep him busy, and his body hadn’t failed him yet. He shared Alice’s passion about books, though bickered with her a little about genre. He said he liked to build things, and Alice had teased him about multiple half-finished projects around their house.

They were extremely _real_ , it took Locus’ breath away sometimes to think of it. They had vivid lives, fully lived. They were still _young_ , all things considered. Bright and passionate and sharp. Somehow he’d gotten himself thinking that grandparents meant they would be old, possibly frail and uninterested in the modern world. They both knew more about smartphones than he did. Alice had taken out a tablet once supper was cleared away and gone through a gallery of Ken’s projects and her garden and the pair of mutt puppies they’d adopted a few months ago. 

“Oh I almost forgot.” Alice shook her head and got her bag out again and sorted through it. “Jenny mentioned it and I thought… here it is.” She pulled out a framed picture and held it out for Locus to take. “I think you should keep this.”

The photo was likely the one Jennifer had mentioned. His father and mother stared back at him with wide grins and dated fashions, in his mother’s arms was a baby clutching at his father’s braid and staring with confusion at the camera. This was him, so young he barely had hair, displayed so lovingly with his parents. The frame was old, and the picture was a little faded, but Locus couldn’t look away. It seemed so surreal to see himself so small, he didn’t really _have_ pictures of himself as a child. He only had the pictures in the files of his parents, and those had been government photos, cold and bored and lifeless. Here his mother’s makeup was done and her smile took over her face, his father’s grin was wide and proud. 

“They look so happy.” He mumbled without thinking.

“They were. They loved you so much. It broke their hearts when the government took you away. They were young, very young, but they loved you. They had kept a lot of your baby clothes in a box. I don’t know why they never had more children, I think maybe they never really got over you…” Alice reached to squeeze Locus’ hand lightly. “We all wanted you, Joseph. We love you. I wish Tom and Melody had gotten the chance to see what a good young man you’ve grown into.”

Locus bit his lip and nodded a little, he still couldn’t look away from his parents’ beaming faces. It all felt like so much right now. “Th-thank you. I wish I could have met them.”

Alice squeezed his hand again and nodded. “They would have been so proud of you. _We_ are so proud of you. Big and strong and so smart. I can’t wait to see what you’ll do.”

Locus rubbed his eyes and focused on breathing for a moment. What did anyone say to that? It was everything he’d wanted. A family that loved him, that was proud of him, it felt like so much. Felix put a hand on his arm and Locus nodded slowly, pulling himself together.

“I’m very… I-I’m so glad I got to meet you all.” Locus said shakily.

“We are too.” Ken said firmly. “We’re very glad.”

\---

As Locus spoke with his grandparents Jennifer got Felix to help her take the plates away and clean up.

“Sorry. I think they just need a _moment_.” Jennifer shrugged a little as she ran water into her sink. 

“I think you’re right.” Felix nodded a little and put his pile of plates into the dishwater. “Thanks for doing this for him. It means a lot…” 

“It means a lot to us too.” Jennifer pointed out. “We thought he was out of reach… our family needed something good like this.”

Felix was quiet a moment as they started washing the plates and cutlery. Jennifer’s apartment, it seemed, did not have a dishwasher.

“So how long have you two been together?” Jennifer asked quietly. 

“U-um.” Felix stammered and stared at the plate in his hands. “Officially since summer?” 

Jennifer hummed thoughtfully. “And unofficially?”

“I dunno I guess… I guess like two years? God we were… kind of dumb about it.” Felix shrugged a little.

“Well, sorry to break this to you, but you _are_ teenagers. You’re gonna be dumb about most things.” 

“Yeah pretty much.” Felix snorted. “It’s not like… gonna be a problem? For them? For him? I don’t wanna be like… trouble.”

Jennifer shook her head and responded dryly. “Well I mean he can’t get you pregnant so that’s gonna take away the worry of him following in Tom’s footsteps.” 

“No ma’am. I will not get pregnant.” Felix shook his head and blushed despite himself. 

“They’ve always been good and open minded about things, but both me and Tom’re straight. It’s never come up, but I can’t see it being a _thing_. They’re so happy about Joseph. I don’t think they’d let anything get in the way of that.” Jennifer smiled a little and set a plate in the dish rack beside the sink. 

“I hope so. You guys… you’re pretty important to him.” Felix muttered a little.

“He’s pretty important to us.” Jennifer shrugged. “Besides, they aren’t blind. You stick close to him, teenage boys are a little too macho for that in a lot of cases. And that hickey fading on your neck?”

Felix groaned and hung his head. “Oops?”

Jennifer laughed. “It’ll be all right. I think we’re gonna be glad he has somebody. Maybe make idle threats about what might happen if you break his heart.” She stuck her tongue out at him to show she was teasing.

“Well that’s the last thing on my mind, promise.” Felix snickered a little. “I kind of like him too much for that.”

“Good.” Jennifer smiled. “You boys planning to do the prom thing?”

Felix blinked a few times and stared at the dishwater. “That… is a thing that happens this year, isn’t it?”

“Typically, yup.” Jennifer snickered.

“That is gonna be a solid probably. We haven’t talked about it, but we’re… together so I don’t see why we wouldn’t…” Felix frowned thoughtfully. “We’ve been planning a lot about after school, we may have forgotten things that happen during. Except for the school part because he studies constantly, he definitely isn’t forgetting finals.”

“And your after school plans are to get a job?” 

“Well one of us has to pay rent. Besides I don’t really know what I wanna do right now. College is a lot of money to not know what you’re doing.” Felix shrugged a little.

“I guess that’s true enough.” Jennifer nodded. “Let me know if you have any questions about moving. Finding an apartment can be a complete clusterfuck.”

“Thank you.”

“No problem, kiddo. Thanks for looking after Joseph while we couldn’t. It’s good to know he had someone.”

She didn’t bring up his family again, and he wondered if she caught his moment of panic the first time. Locus’ family seemed like good people. Really this was the best possible outcome. At least after finding out about Locus’ parents. 

It was a little interesting to see what a loving family looked like. Lonely, but interesting just the same.


	20. Envy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Felix has some feelings

Felix fell asleep in the cab ride home. Locus should have noticed he was fading as they spoke, but he was so caught up in every story his grandparents had to tell. Alice had some pictures of Thomas and Melody, and Locus was thoroughly engrossed in the stories about them. Even when the stories boiled down to ‘this was when Tom came and helped me make jam’, it was amazing. There were his parents covered in berries and laughing. 

It had gotten late though. Locus had spoken with the school, and they would be able to get into their room despite it being after eight. Felix had skipped his nap to help Locus keep from worrying himself sick. Now it seemed he’d run out of steam entirely.

It was cute, really, waking him up and leading him inside. Felix got a certain sort of clingy when he was very tired, trailing behind Locus like a child. He fumbled with his buttons and muttered quietly as he kicked his clothes onto a pile and pulled on a sweater to sleep in. 

“Sorry we kept you up so late.” Locus grinned a little, it wasn’t much later than eleven, he was still bursting with energy. Partially he was still running on the giddiness from the evening. 

Everything had gone more amazing than he could have imagined. His grandparents were good people who wanted to be part of his life. He had a family, and they wanted him, and they loved him. Like a family was supposed to, they loved him. It was a shame that Ken and Alice lived outside the city that he couldn’t see them as often, but Jennifer still offered her time to talk. There were more stories to tell, and they were honestly fascinated in his life. For all his life seemed plain and average in comparison to all they had accomplished. It made him feel even more determined to accomplish more outside of school. To be someone. He wanted to be the sort of person Alice would tell stories about.

Felix clasped Locus’ face with his hands. “Shh. I thought you forgot how to have fun. It’s good to see you happy.”

Locus snorted and reached up to squeeze Felix’s hands a little.

“Come to bed with me?” Felix looked a little pathetic as he started to pull Locus toward the bunk. 

“You have the sleep schedule of an old man.” Locus commented dryly but started getting changed just the same.

Felix collapsed onto the bunk and sighed. “It’s what I do. Maybe old men have the sleep schedule of me.”

“I don’t think that made sense.” Locus hummed and pulled on his pyjamas. 

“Makes perfect sense.” Felix mumbled into his pillow. “You don’t make sense.”

Locus snorted and sat down on the bed beside Felix. “Go to sleep.”

Felix reached for Locus and curled up around him, making it impossible to lie down. He clung to Locus tight and shivered a bit.

“Felix?” Locus twisted to try and get a look at Felix’s face.

“Don’t go away…” Felix mumbled quietly, and seemed to drift off to sleep as he did. Locus frowned as he shifted Felix back and lay down beside him. 

Felix was out like a light, which was something Locus had always been a little jealous of. When Felix was tired Felix went to sleep, no hours of overthinking nonsense as he stared at the ceiling. He just lay down and drifted off. Locus was still buzzing with thoughts and energy and ideas and probably would be for a while. 

It was harder for him to sleep since they started leaving the lights on, but he’d gotten used to it. At least he’d gotten used to it being harder. 

Felix rolled against him and Locus sighed a little and stroked his hair. He couldn’t figure out why Felix would think he was about to go anywhere, it seemed like such a strange thought. Locus tried to write it off as nonsense as Felix had fallen asleep. There was no _reason_ for it. Sometimes Felix got weird when he was too tired to filter himself. Felix wouldn’t get it if Locus asked him in the morning.

Locus closed his eyes and let himself relive the evening in his head, let himself imagine his parents and what kind of life he would have had with them.

\---

There were times it was very, very nice waking up before 95% of the school. Sometimes it was because no one had picked over the fruit at breakfast, but usually it was the fact that Felix could take showers as long as he wanted. Was he wasting hot water? Was he taking up a stall? Who the fuck cared everyone was asleep. And when the first chunk of his morning had been spent at the gym working until all of his body screamed with pain Felix really appreciated the extra time he could spend in the water. 

Water too hot to actually be comfortable, burning his back and letting off enough steam that it was hard to breathe, but like running until his legs gave out it was part of the distraction. Pain was incredibly effective at taking his mind off just about anything. He felt like everything was screaming inside and there was only one way to make it shut up. At least there was only one way available to him right now.

He used to have a series of coping mechanisms when things got like this, when he got too far into his own head and started hating what he saw. Fights were good, hurting people and getting hurt was a rush of adrenaline and energy and it took him out of it. He didn’t start fights anymore. Even when he hadn’t picked fights he could always count on his mother to hurt him badly enough that he could focus on a fractured cheekbone and not how much he hated himself. He could get mind-numbingly drunk. He’d told Locus once he didn’t need it anymore, he’d been convinced of that at the time. Then he’d been drugged, then he’d cut it out entirely, then he became afraid of feeling so out of control. He didn’t want to admit how much it still pulled at him. 

He hadn’t been this bad for a while. Not in this way. He’d been angry at other people, scared of other people, manic and tired and… a lot of different ways he’d been _bad_ , but not empty quite like this. It felt a little like summer, being alone and tired and very pointedly unwanted.

He knew it wasn’t _right_ , it wasn’t _fair_. Just because Locus had a family that he loved didn’t mean he no longer loved Felix. People with loving families fell in love all the time, in fact they seemed to fall in love a lot more often than disasters like _him_. It shouldn’t be making him feel like this. Locus still wanted him, he took Felix _with_ him to see his family. 

His family that had been almost too fucking perfect as far as Felix was concerned. _Home at last_. They didn’t even know him. Sure they would learn to love him like Felix had, Felix couldn’t imagine someone _not_ growing to love Locus… but it felt so bullshit _now_. _We love you._ they said, like it was easy. Like it was so simple to just love someone.

That’s how families were supposed to be, apparently. They just loved each other. For no good goddamn reason, just because they were family.

It was bullshit. Felix hated it a little. He wanted Locus to be happy, and he was and it was great, but it was… Felix didn’t know what it was except it made him feel sick to his stomach.

He finally turned off the shower when he couldn’t stand the way his skin stung anymore, he could barely walk his legs were weak and flimsy, drying off was more effort than it should have been, his towel seemed so heavy. 

Pulling on his clothes he realised he was starting to lose weight again. No matter what he did he couldn’t keep it on. Reasonably it was probably because he was working out harder and having trouble eating, but it still… He poked his face and it was starting to show there too. Slightly more cheekbone than before, slightly sunken eyes. He was flushed from the shower so he couldn’t tell if he was getting pale again, too. He didn’t really look at himself, so it didn’t really surprise him that he hadn’t noticed… but Locus hadn’t commented. 

Family was taking up all of Locus’ focus and something small and petty in Felix hated it. _Felix_ was the one who had lived with him three years, _Felix_ knew him, _Felix_ loved him. Shouldn’t that mean more? Shouldn’t it be a big deal? 

Felix steadied himself and combed his hair back into place. He couldn’t ruin this, as much as he hated it he understood it was important for Locus. Locus had supported him through so much, all the trouble Felix had caused, all the drama that followed him around. Felix would be good about this. He wouldn’t ruin something good actually happening for Locus just because Felix felt petty.

Maybe he would let himself get drunk next weekend? Just get shitfaced and stop _thinking_ for a little while. He’d have to find something to drink but he could probably do it. It would be good… maybe. He thought he was probably far enough along in his therapy that he could handle it… if not what was the worst that would happen? He’d had so many attacks at this point… He would just deal with it if it came to that.

It shouldn’t make him feel better, shouldn’t make him feel more stable, but the idea of it made the next week look easier to deal with. Just quit being worthwhile for a night and give up control a little. It would be… better. It would be okay. He just had to take moments to be garbage and then he wouldn’t let it out where Locus saw it. It would be okay.

\---

“He was already pissed off, blowing him a kiss probably didn’t help.” Zachary commented idly as Felix pressed a cold pack to his face. He’d only bothered going to the nurse because the attack had happened in the middle of Creative Writing and the teacher had sent him. And it had gotten Zachary out of class to escort him.

“He was being a piece of shit.” Felix grumbled and pulled the pack off his eye to scowl at Zachary. “I refuse to put up with that.”

Zachary shrugged. “Well then I guess you get a black eye for your trouble.”

“Not my first, not my last. Least he gets detention.” Felix shrugged and pressed the pack back to his eye. 

“Maybe this one won’t swell like the last two?” Phyllis added as she stepped back into the room. “You should just keep ice packs in your room the rate you stir up trouble.”

“You think the school would go for that? I mean… I’m pretty sure this really is unlikely to be my last.” Felix grinned at her.

“I’m sure they would care about ice packs about as much as they’d care about anything else you kids hide in your room.” Phyllis crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow. “Though, and this is just my opinion, it might help if you stopped mouthing off to people bigger than you.”

“But then who would he be able to mouth off to?” Zachary laughed, Felix kicked him lightly.

“Some guys are just too sensitive. Not my fault everything out of my mouth just pisses some people off.” Felix shook his head. It was hard to care sometimes when the offensive thing was Felix’s very existence. It wasn’t like he could change being a tiny gay man, some people were just going to have to deal with it.

“You on the other hand are not sensitive at all, and are never pissed off.” Phyllis raised an eyebrow.

“I’m… better.” Felix felt a little defensive at that. He was being very good about keeping his temper under control. Since the slip up he’d been extra careful about it. “I’m under control.”

“And that’s why everyone wants to break your face?” Zachary snickered.

“I am legitimately surprised you don’t get beat up more.” Felix scowled at him.

 

“I think the two of you can head back to class now. Just keep that ice on it for a while and… oh you know what you’re doing.” Phyllis sighed and patted Felix’s shoulder. 

“Thanks Phyllis.” Felix waved and headed out the door.

“The main reason people don’t beat me up is I have friends who would beat them up in retaliation. Powerful allies my friend.” Zachary winked at Felix.

“My boyfriend is like 6’7” and solid muscle.” Felix rolled his eyes.

“And refuses to hurt anyone ever. And everyone knows it.” Zachary stuck out his tongue. “Though people still don’t fuck with him directly in case he changes his mind.”

“I guess…” Felix blew out a sigh. “Hey, wanna get drunk on Friday? I feel like getting drunk on Friday could be fun.”

“Is that you asking if I’ll find you alcohol?” Zachary snorted.

“And if you wanted to join me. Just for alcohol, this isn’t an affair we’re talking about.” Felix eased the ice off his eye and poked it gingerly.

“Sure, sounds fun. I’ll see what I can wrangle up. Haven’t had time to get shitfaced in a while.” Zachary shrugged and they returned to class.

\---

“I’m going to be having dinner with Jennifer.” Locus sorted through the dresser carefully. “She said there are some things she wanted to give me. So I’ll be out until later tonight, is that all right with you?”

Felix tapped his ereader lightly then nodded and forced a grin. “Feeling comfortable with her now?”

“Yeah…” Locus smiled a little and pulled out a shirt to wear. “She’s nice, social… She seems easier to talk to these days, especially since we’ve been exchanging emails. She has a lot of good advice. I’ve never really had anyone in my life who, you know, had been through the things I’m looking at and can offer advice. She has a lot of information about getting into college and figuring that out.”

“Well that’s good. Probably super helpful? She’s like your big sister now, rather than you aunt.” Felix laughed a little.

“I… kind of. I mean… there’s a significant age difference, but she has plenty of advice and she’s good to talk to.” Locus flushed a little and looked down at his shirt. “It’s amazing how easily she just… accepted me.”

“Definitely.” Felix ignored the way his stomach was churning. “But it’s great. It’s good to see you so happy. You’ve had so much on your plate this year.”

“It’s been a good change. Something good, really good.” Locus sighed and started changing. “She was telling me that even though I didn’t get in right away, I don’t have to worry so much about college. Even if I end up having to wait a year, schools don’t look at age so much as grades.”

“ _I_ told you that.” Felix stuck out his tongue to make his words seem less forceful.

“Sort of… but she _knows_ , she’s done it. It’s a perspective from someone who’s been through college and gotten a job. It’s… something…” Locus trailed off a little. It seemed to Felix what he was going to say was something along the lines of ‘her opinion is more important.’

Perhaps he was being a bit unfair about that. “Well suppose as long as you chill out a little it doesn’t matter who’s telling you. It’ll be good to see you rise from the books more often.”

“Well I mostly don’t have to worry as much _because_ I have good grades. So I do have to keep up the hard work…” Locus shrugged a little.

“But not constant non-stop studying, that’s dumb.” Felix shook his head. “I like seeing more than the back of your head, too.”

“I know, I know… I went overboard last semester. I’ll… I’m working on it. Finding a balance.” Locus rolled up his sleeves just enough that they still covered the burn scar on his arm. “What are your plans for the evening?”

“Zachary and I were thinking of hanging out, probably gorge on junk and watch a movie or something.” Felix shrugged, then wrinkled his nose at the off look on Locus’ face. “Don’t give me that look. Just ‘cause I used to fuck Zachary doesn’t mean I’d-- you _know_ wouldn’t betray you like that!”

“I didn’t think that. I’m sorry. I didn’t think that you would.” Locus sighed and sat down beside Felix. “I’m sorry. I get… jealous… sometimes, I know you’ve had sex with him and I just…”

“I’ve had sex with a lot of people, Locus. I thought it didn’t matter.” Felix scowled and hunched up a little.

“It doesn’t. It doesn’t matter. I don’t mean it like that. I… I’m sorry. I’m being… irrational. It doesn’t matter at all. I know you won’t have sex with Zachary.” Locus sighed and rubbed the back of his neck.

“Damn right you fucking know that. No one else I had sex with matters, ‘cause I’m only having sex with you. Dumbass.” Felix shook his head, then kissed Locus’ cheek before flopping onto him melodramatically. “My heart beats only for you, my one and only.”

Locus snorted and kissed his forehead. “You should have gone into drama.”

“I don’t share the spotlight well, I think that would have gotten messy.” Felix grinned brightly. “Diva fights everywhere. No. It’s for the best I don’t.”

“I love you.” Locus laughed softly and pulled Felix into a slow, gentle kiss.

“I love you too, you big nerd.” Felix curled up against him a little. “Let’s do something together one of these days. I miss you.”

“We’re together all the time.” Locus pointed out and began stroking Felix’s hair lightly. “But we can do something. Tomorrow or Sunday maybe? Just get out of school.”

Felix pressed his face against Locus’ shoulder so he didn’t have to emote. “That sounds good. Getting out of school for a while sounds good. We should… I dunno look at suits or something.”

“Suits?” Locus sounded confused.

“Like… for prom. Or whatever.” Felix felt himself blushing and sighed.

“Oh. That’s going to be happening, isn’t it?” 

“Mmhm.”

“We probably should get suits for that, huh?”

“I mean I could probably pull off a dress but Kaylee would kill me for stealing her thunder.” Felix grinned a little.

Locus looked thoughtful for a long moment and Felix gave him a little shove. “I mean, chances are you wouldn’t look _bad_.”

“Well maybe I’ll wear a dress for _you_.” Felix grinned and poked his nose lightly. “Something slinky just for you.”

“Maybe save it for after we’ve graduated. I don’t want to have to explain to school officials why you have a dress in our dorm.” Locus chuckled softly.

“Well you see sir we were working on spicing up our sex life…” Felix shrugged and laughed when Locus gave him a little shove.

“So we’ll go suit shopping this weekend?” Locus changed the subject back with a roll of his eyes.

“At least browsing, we don’t need them quite yet. But we can try shit on or whatever?” Felix hummed softly and leaned back against Locus. This was better. This was good. This was right. He missed this kind of having fun with Locus. Maybe now the tension would drain out and he and Felix could enjoy each other again.

“Sounds good.” Locus looked at his watch and the moment broke. “I have to head out to meet Jennifer. Have fun eating candy and watching movies with Zachary.”

“Sure thing.” Felix sat up straight and let Locus get up. “You have fun too. Say hi for me.”

Locus kissed Felix briefly and then headed out the door. Felix jabbed the bruise under his eye with his thumb until _it_ ached instead of his chest.


	21. Making Mistakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some very bad decisions

“Doesn’t Locus have some sort of _thing_ about underage drinking?” Zachary asked as Felix set up his laptop for a movie.

“Locus has a thing about alcohol in general.” Felix made a face and found the robot movie people kept telling him to see. “What Locus doesn’t know won’t hurt him.”

“Uh huh. That’s always a good sign.” Zachary rolled his eyes and flopped back on the bed. 

“It’s not that bad. It makes him uncomfortable so I won’t talk about it, it’s not the same as sneaking around.” Felix shook his head and pressed play.

“And is there a reason you’re suddenly wanting to drink?” Zachary raised an eyebrow but passed Felix the bottle just the same.

“What are you, my therapist?” Felix took a long swig, straight vodka this time, he should probably only do that a couple times. “Wow.”

“It was what I could get my hands on. Wanna see if we can find some juice or something?” Zachary shrugged.

“Ugh we probably should but I don’t wanna get up.” Felix sighed and handed the bottle back to Zachary. “We’ll just do shots or something, it’s efficient.”

“Because getting wasted is all about efficiency.” Zachary snorted and took a drink of his own. “Ow, fuck. Are you _sure_ you don’t wanna get juice? This is kind of shit.”

“Take a shot and eat some skittles.” Felix offered.

“I wonder what would happen if I just poured some skittles into the vodka…” Zachary hummed thoughtfully.

“You can do that in a cup. Don’t fuck up the whole bottle.” 

\---

“Mama found a bunch of pictures of Tom and Melody.” Jennifer grinned and handed Locus a thumb drive. “There’s a lot so it’s faster to just give you the usb. Mama even scanned some of the old pictures we had from when you were a baby.”

“Wow. That’s… that’s amazing. Thank you.” Locus stared at the drive a second then smiled a little. “It’s been incredible learning about them. And about you.”

“Likewise. You seem like a really good kid, Joseph.” Jennifer patted his arm lightly. “I don’t know how you wound up in a school like Charon.”

“I… I had a bit of a temper when I was younger. Well, a lot of a temper.” Locus sighed and looked down at his hands. “I worked hard to get myself back under control. To reimagine myself different.”

“An angry teenager isn’t that shocking. It’s cool that you decided to change it though, most kids don’t make a conscious decision to change like that.” Jennifer nodded thoughtfully.

“I… I was violent, too. I was young and thoughtless and people got hurt. Not. Not _badly_ just… still hurt though. I was angry about a lot of things and I wasn’t very good about it. It took work to sort it all out.” Locus clasped his hands. “I ended up, when I changed myself… I started going by the name Locus instead. I was young and it seemed like a good name to me. You… you don’t have to call me that, but Felix does. I don’t want it to be weird if he’s calling me a different name.”

Jennifer considered that a moment, though she seemed just a little confused not offended or anything like that. “Locus works. I can go with Locus. It’s a little weird, you know that though?”

“Yeah… I’m used to it now, it feels more like me than anything else, but it is a little strange.” Locus smiled sheepishly. 

“A little strange is par for the course in this family.” Jennifer laughed. “So, _Locus_ , how’s life been treating you?”

“Treating me? It’s been good. Meeting you all, it’s been really good.” Locus smiled sheepishly. “Things in my life have really been falling into place.”

“So that’s good, and school’s been good. You don’t talk about Felix as much?” Jennifer tilted her head and sipped her drink.

“Oh, well…” Locus flushed a little. “People don’t always want to hear couple… things. Things are going well with Felix. He’s good to me, he cares about me.”

“Well that much is good. How did you two meet?”

“He started going to Charon in grade ten, we were put in the same dorm.” Locus shrugged a little.

“So he is the same age as you? He’s a tiny little guy.” Jennifer shook her head. “No I knew you roomed together, that’s ridiculous, sorry.”

“He is short, he struggles a little with putting on weight. The school diets are set up to be healthy in a… relatively fat free way. So…” Locus shook his head. “It doesn’t help that school food isn’t exactly the _best_.”

“You’re not going to have the best diet if you’re going to be living on just whatever income he makes when school ends.” Jennifer pointed out. “There’s only so much you can get right out of high school.”

“Right, we do know that. We’re working on planning around it. He’s got some money saved too, inheritance or something…” Felix had convinced Locus to just refer to their money as inheritance, it was better than the truth and Felix had no problem considering it his inheritance.

“He has enough inheritance that it makes a difference?” Jennifer raised her eyebrows skeptically.

“His family has a lot of money…” Locus shrugged a little. 

“But they aren’t going to help you move.” Jennifer frowned. “I noticed his reaction. He didn’t like that question at all.”

“No, they won’t be. Felix doesn’t speak with his family anymore. They aren’t on good terms.” 

“It have something to do with why _he_ goes to Charon?” Jennifer looked curious, like she was putting together a story. “I mean, you have your reasons, I believe you that you’ve moved past that. You seem like an honestly good kid. Felix seems to have a lot of scars.”

“Felix doesn’t communicate with his family for his own reasons. He did get in fights before, and cause trouble. He’s been working hard to get his life on track. And the scars aren’t really his fault…”

“The palm of his left hand seems to be made up entirely of scar tissue.” Jennifer wrinkled her nose a little.

“That wasn’t from fighting, he got attacked but…” Locus sighed and shook his head. “Some of the scars are old, and the new ones… he didn’t start it and he didn’t ask for it, we just got dragged into a mess last year.”

“‘We’? You got dragged in as well?” 

“I… yeah.” Locus pinched the bridge of his nose. “There was a student, he started problems. He got very obsessed and attacked both of us, at different times but… I got stabbed, it was a mess. But like I said it wasn’t Felix’s fault. Ross was just a mess, and he did some really terrible things.”

“Ross… this was on the news, wasn’t it?” Jennifer snapped her fingers. “I knew something seemed familiar. Felix was in that video wasn’t he? That’s how I recognise him.”

“You recognised him?” Locus tensed a little.

“Yeah… not from the news clip, obviously that one was censored. For a little while the unedited version was on the internet.” Jennifer nodded with a satisfied look on her face. “I knew I’d seen him somewhere and it didn’t make any sense.”

“W-well. It was a mess. So--”

“Wait wait wait. You mean you got _stabbed_ stabbed?” Jennifer rounded back. “Like… that was part of the thing wasn’t it. There was a student they didn’t name, but they said he nearly died. That was _you_?”

“Y-yes. It was a big mess. We’ve mostly moved past it now. I mean me and Felix. Sort of. Sorry I don’t really know how to talk about it. I barely remember being hurt and the big things, they’re Felix’s and I don’t feel comfortable discussing.” Locus looked at his hands nervously.

“No, no that’s… that’s fair. I saw the clip, I get the gist of what happened. I didn’t know you were involved in that. Didn’t your principal get fired for that?”

“That and the way he handled it, yeah…”

“And you both still went back? To the school you nearly died at?” Jennifer’s eyes were wide as she questioned him.

“We… didn’t really have anywhere else to go. That’s the school we were enrolled in.” Locus shrugged a little.

“God damn, we wouldn’t have enrolled you back in that place. I’m amazed you’re comfortable going there.” Jennifer shook her head and took another sip of her drink.

“Well, we are looking forward to graduating. It’s not the healthiest atmosphere, but we’re almost there.” Locus snorted and took a chance at changing the subject. “Felix was just talking about prom, that’s coming up. And then graduation. It would mean a lot to me if you would be able to come? And Alice and Ken?”

“Well we’ll definitely come to your graduation. Thank you. Mama will be happy you’re actually graduating with a ceremony. I technically graduated in some upgrading classes the next year.” Jennifer laughed and shrugged a little. “Do you and Felix have any big plans for prom?”

“I don’t think so?” Locus shrugged a little. “It’s a dance and then a party right? We’re thinking of just getting suits or something. And then I guess we’ll… go to prom?”

“No big fancy date or limo ride?” 

“Well… I guess we could go on a date, but going to a dance seems like a date in itself? And we live at our school, so taking a limo would be… a little pointless…”

“I suppose living at your school puts a damper on a few things. Take a lot of pictures, though. It’s a big night.”

“I like to take pictures when good things happen. We took a lot of pictures over the summer. I like having the memories.”

\---

Felix couldn’t remember the last time he got blackout drunk. That was likely due to the blacking out part. Also the extended period of time since he last drank anything.

It wasn’t that he _passed out_ it just… got a little fuzzy when it came to figuring out how situations lead into each other. Some nights he remembered being halfway through a party and then waking up somewhere completely different. He wound up in people’s beds a lot, in the beginning. When his only ideas about how to have sex were about horrible moments and things he couldn’t choose. He knew he probably initiated something, he wasn’t a girl, people didn’t seek him out at the kinds of parties he was able to sneak into. Alcohol let him be curious and comfortable and…

Felix didn’t really remember when he started having sex, real sex, not… he remembered how old he was when he technically lost his virginity. He didn’t remember exactly when he started choosing it. Though in retrospect still too young, what people at those parties had been receptive to him? It was very very… creepy. He would definitely never have sex with a 13 year-old, so who the fuck had been fucking him?

It was probably no wonder he was a mess. If he’d be honest with his therapist they’d probably have a completely different attitude on him. He was everything the media hated about kids these days, drinking having sex and getting into fights at a ripe young age. 

Bad vodka doesn’t stop being bad vodka when you drink too much of it, but eventually it gets easier to tolerate. Felix felt miserable and desperate enough that shots of bad alcohol was better than no alcohol. Unfortunately that meant he got a little fuzzy about halfway through the movie. Moments blurred together and Felix knew he was conscious and active he’d pop in and out of conversations. 

He came to his senses properly with Zachary’s tongue in his mouth and hand down his pants. His own hand was traitorously groping Zachary’s ass and it took him longer than it should have to realise what _exactly_ he was doing. 

“Fuck.” He shoved Zachary away and rolled off the bed. Zachary was as drunk as he was and stared at him on the floor with confusion. “Fuck.”

“Shit…” Zachary sighed after a moment and hid his face in the bed. “That wasn’t supposed to happen, was it?”

“God damn it, no it wasn’t.” Felix ran his hands through his hair. “I promised that wouldn’t happen. What the fuck is wrong with me?”

“We’re just too drunk.” Zachary waved a hand and rolled off the bed too. “We didn’t _do_ anything.”

“Your hand was on my _dick_ ” Felix covered his face in his hands and tried to sort his head out. It hadn’t seemed like a good idea at any point. Impulse control got shot to hell, and Zachary used to make him feel good. 

He was such a fucking disaster. This was supposed to get his head on straight. An evening to be trash but not this sort of trash. He felt like everything he swore to be was crashing to the ground. He just couldn’t be a good person. He wasn’t capable of it. 

“Are you having some sort of crisis over this? Shit dude…” Zachary winced a little and Felix groaned. 

“I wasn’t supposed to do this. I was supposed to be doing better. Being better.” Felix dragged his hands down his face. “I’m such a fuck up.”

“It’s a little making out, ‘cause we’re drunk.” Zachary shrugged a little. “That’s basically nothing.”

“It’s not _nothing_. God Locus was even all… weird about it. And I said I wouldn’t and here I am jesus christ I’m a walking trainwreck.” Felix lay himself out flat on the ground. “I’m the worst person in the world.”

“Wow you are definitely too drunk.” Zachary arched his eyebrows and stared at Felix. 

“What am I gonna do why did we do that I’m gonna die…” Felix covered his face and whined softly. 

Zachary crawled across the floor and dug a box of chocolates out of his dresser. “You don’t have to tell anyone. I got no reason to tell anyone. And we didn’t do shit.”

“I can’t just lie to him. That would be even worse. I don’t lie to him.” Felix scowled at Zachary. “Why the fuck did I kiss you, you’re useless.”

“But I’m hot.” Zachary shrugged.

“You are such an _asshole_.” Felix groaned and hit his head on the floor. He couldn’t think of a solution. There wasn’t a solution. He just wanted to die.

He didn’t really want to die. He just wanted everything to stop… just stop. He needed everything to just pause for a little while so he could figure out what to do. He wanted to not have to deal with anything anymore. At least when he was dying of dehydration in his bedroom he didn’t have to make decisions like this.

“It’s not lying if you just don’t tell him. I’ve touched your dick lots of times. Like it’s hardly even a thing anymore.” Zachary was absolutely useless.

“It’s a thing because Locus trusts me and I said I wouldn’t.” Felix curled up on his side. “I betrayed Locus’ trust.”

“You were drunk it hardly counts. You were okay not telling him you got drunk.”

“Being drunk was different. Being drunk was just a _thing_. I didn’t promise him I would never do it.”

Zachary sighed exaggeratedly and leaned against his bed. “You guys are so intense. Jesus.”

“You have never been in a relationship before.”

“What do I need a relationship for? So I can curl up in the fetal position when someone touches my dick?” Zachary kicked Felix’s foot lightly. “Just forget about it. Whatever.”

Felix groaned and stayed on the floor for a moment longer before pushing himself up to his feet. Mistake. Standing up was an adventure Felix wasn’t prepared for and he ended up toppling into Zachary’s desk and smacking his head. 

“Jesus fucking christ.” Zachary snorted like the worst friend in the world.

“I hate you.” Felix grumbled and rubbed his forehead tiredly. Like he needed more of a headache. “I’m leaving.”

“Okay have fun.”

“Fuck you.”

Felix didn’t feel like going back to his room. He didn’t know how he was going to face Locus after this. It was bad enough that he was drunk, he felt like everyone could tell he’d just made out with someone. Getting drunk had been such a mistake. It had felt like the best idea before hand, and even now the loose and wobbly feeling was kind of nice. But it was going to upset Locus. It was all going to hurt Locus more than Felix could even imagine. He wasn’t going to be able to hide the fact that he was drunk from Locus. And even if he did Locus would just want to talk about his family again. More. Fuck. Locus was going to be so bright and happy and shiny about his family and Felix was going to fuck everything up.

He had worried at first that feeling drunk would make him feel like he was being drugged again, but it was a very different feeling, and Felix had control over how much alcohol he drank. He thought he had control anyway. He thought he knew what he was doing. It was interesting getting a chance to be out of his mind a little, while it seemed like his life was spinning out of control. But he got too out of his mind. Too much like who he didn’t want to be anymore. Was he really that much of a slut? Wasn’t alcohol supposed to bring out your true nature or something? Was his true nature this disgusting? Felix wished someone would beat him up. Maybe if he wandered the halls enough someone would take the chance to kick the crap out of him. He deserved it.

Locus was so fucking… good. He didn’t even look at other people. He had no interest in anyone else even a little bit. Locus would never do this. This whole relationship was Felix fucking something up and Locus fixing it. And now Locus had something really good, something really going right in his life, and Felix was fucking it up. Always fucking it up. Because what he was jealous? Lonely? This wasn’t supposed to be about him. He wanted Locus all to himself and he couldn’t have that, it wasn’t reasonable. He felt like he was lashing out in a temper, the only thing he had outside of Locus was casual sex? That was the closest thing to being loved by other people. Love was bullshit. Love just hurt. He was so childish.

Locus wasn’t talking about moving in with Jennifer or his grandparents or something. But he could. If Locus got tired of Felix he had somewhere to go. And didn’t it just make Felix awful that thinking of that hurt. He _wanted_ Locus to have a support system, didn’t he? He just wanted to be the main part of it. He wanted Locus to depend on him like he depended on Locus. It felt less pathetic if Locus needed him too. 

He hated that a part of him resented Locus for having a family. Hated how much seeing it made him want it. He wanted someone to reach out to him and say ‘Home at last’ when they saw him. He wanted to know what it was like to have someone love you just for existing. He had to earn being loved by anybody. He had to earn being treated with anything like kindness. He had to work to deserve so many things most people just got for being born. Locus was the only person ever who loved Felix, and Felix had to be good enough to deserve that. And now he’d ruined it. 

No one looked at him and said ‘we have always loved you.’ Since before he was born his mother wished that he would die. She came so close to killing him so many times. He still didn’t think Locus understood how much he just expected to be dead at this age. He remembered summers dehydrated and broken, no concept of time and no idea if he’d wake up if he fell asleep. He remembered howling painful sobs as his mother grabbed his hand and put her cigarette out on it. He’d done something wrong… He couldn’t think for sure what it was now, he’d been so small when she’d done it. But he’d made her so angry she’d burned him, and then she’d thrown him in his room. It didn’t have a deadbolt then, but he knew better than to come out. 

That was the kind of thing Felix deserved. He wanted to pull out his hair. To do this to Locus, to have Locus’ trust and ruin it all. No one loved Felix because Felix didn’t deserve to be loved. That was that.

He didn’t want to be thinking about this. About how his family hated him. About how they were right. He didn’t want his mother to love him. He didn’t. He hated his mother. _His_ grandparents had made monsters, had thrown him out before he was big enough to make a bump in his mother’s belly. His grandparents would not reach out to him, would never hold him or rejoice in him. His grandparents had proved that they hated him before he’d been born. His whole family had known he was worthless before he was born. He should have made Locus give up on him a long time ago. Maybe he should have just let Ross kill him.

His mind was a loop of self-loathing and exhaustion. He just wanted to curl up in a ball and sleep until nothing mattered anymore. He wished he had somewhere to hide. Somewhere he could just curl up until people forgot he existed. He ruined everything he touched.

He ended up back at his room anyway. It was such a natural path to walk, it was basically home. As close to one as he’d ever had. And he’d broken it. He didn’t know how he was supposed to deal with it Maybe Locus wouldn’t be home yet and Felix could get away with being asleep instead of drunk? Maybe he could push the conversation away. He could find a way to wait until he was sober to talk. He wanted to run away and never come back. He wanted to crawl on his hands and knees and beg Locus to forgive him. He wanted to lie and pretend he hadn’t broken anything. He wanted Locus to make him feel better even though he didn’t deserve it.

He wished Locus would just give him one more night to brace himself, but there he was when Felix opened the door. Felix wanted to close the door and bolt, but Locus looked up at him and it was too late. Locus would chase him probably and Locus had longer legs.

Shouldn’t it be better to fall apart in private rather than the middle of the hallway?

\---

Locus frowned as Felix pushed the door open, his face was flushed and his posture was slumped and tired. He didn’t know what to think at first until Felix came the rest of the way into the room. His movements were too precise while still being a little wobbly. He was trying hard not to seem it but…

“Are you drunk?”

Felix sighed heavily and began pulling off his clothes. “Yeah…”

“Wh. Why would you do that?” It had been over a year since Felix had anything to drink. He had joked with the others about drinking beer on the beach but Locus had thought… he didn’t know what he thought, that Felix wouldn’t get drunk anymore?

“I just… I felt like it. I seemed like a good idea…” Felix sighed and pulled on his orange striped hoodie and some sweatpants. The hoodie was never a good sign. Sometimes Felix just wore it because it was comfortable, but more often than not he wore it because there was a problem.

“Drinking at school seemed like a good idea?” Locus jumped a little when Felix all but collapsed into his lap. It wasn’t sexy, it was like a child seeking shelter. Felix curled up against Locus’ chest and clung to him. “Felix?”

“Nobody loves me.” Felix mumbled miserably, and Locus wrapped his arms around him.

“ _I_ love you, Felix.” Locus sighed a little and resisted the urge to rock Felix like a moody child.

“You’re different. You made a poor life decision. You made a mistake.” Felix rambled a little. “Nobody loves me just for being born. Nobody even likes me just for being born. A lot of people hate me for being born. I think they were right. They had the right idea about me.”

“Felix…” Locus didn’t know where to go with this so he shifted Felix in his arms and stroked his hair gently. “I really truly love you. Even when you’re an asshole. And when you’re weird. You’re not a mistake.”

“I _am_ a mistake. I’m a broken condom or-or poor teen choices. I’m the _definition_ of a mistake.” Felix sounded exasperated like it was so obvious. “And all I do is make mistakes. I fucked up your life so bad…”

“I know your… your mother didn’t want you, but I want you. Falling in love with you was _not_ a mistake. I’m pretty happy that I fell in love with you. I’m very happy that you were born.” Locus held Felix close and sighed. Tonight was such a weird night. Jennifer’s questions seemed kind of weird, the conversations went in weird directions, and now Felix was… drunk. And sad. “You didn’t fuck up my life.”

“It’s all I do. I fuck up your life all the time. I make you sad…” Felix pressed his face against Locus’ chest so his voice came out muffled.

“You don’t. Where is this coming from? Is this about Ross again? What he did was _not_ your fault.”

“I should’ve let him kill me…”

“ _Felix_!” Locus jerked a little with shock. “What--”

“There’s nothing good about me. It would’ve been before you got too attached and. And. Everyone would have been happier and--”

“ _Felix_. It would _not_ have been better if you had died. Nothing would have been better if you had died. You make my life so much better by being in it. What the _fuck_ , Felix?” Locus didn’t know what to do with Felix like this. He _knew_ technically that Felix… had problems with himself. Felix didn’t like himself. It had never been this bad. He didn’t think it had been this bad. He hoped Felix didn’t feel like this every day and Locus just hadn’t noticed.

Felix hiccuped and curled up a little tighter. “I’ve done nothing good for you this whole time. I just make you carry me. I just hurt you and make you angry and drag you down. You’d be so much better off without me.”

“I would _not_. You don’t drag me down, Felix. You make me happy. You help me through my own issues, you help me feel and care and… I was so numb before you, Felix. Please stop talking like that, you’re not a burden. I love you.” Locus tried to pull Felix back to look at his face but Felix tucked himself against his knees and sobbed very sharply once. “Felix… What’s going on?”

“I’m bad.” Felix shook his head and murmured it over and over again. It was a little bit terrifying. It was a lot terrifying. Did Felix feel like this all the time? Or had something happened?

“You’re not. Felix you aren’t bad. Stop it. Felix look at me.” Locus pulled at him and Felix looked up at him slowly. His face was blotchy and his eyes were red and wet with tears and he stared at Locus for a long quiet moment. “Felix. Did something happen?”

Felix went very still, then covered his face with his hands and whined. “I can’t do this. I can’t do this drunk. I can’t. I can’t. I’m too drunk. I’m so drunk. I can’t do this. I can’t.”

“Okay. Okay. You don’t have to. You can sleep it off.” Locus sighed and stroked Felix’s hair gently to try and calm him down. “We’ll go to sleep and then we’ll talk about… whatever it is. Okay? When you’re sober.”

Felix nodded exaggeratedly and clung to Locus’ shirt. “Don’t leave me. Don’t leave. Stay with me. I need you. Don’t go.”

“I’m not. I’m not going. I’m right here. Let’s just lie down, Felix.” Locus carefully tried to shift Felix onto the bed. “We’re both going to lie down. I’m right here.”

It took Locus a little effort to get Felix lying down properly, with enough room for Locus to lie down too. Felix whimpered quietly as he clung to Locus, until he finally relaxed and fell asleep.

It was good to see him finally relax, but Locus couldn’t help but dread what tomorrow morning might bring. He had a feeling it was going to be a very serious conversation. Even if nothing had happened, they needed to talk about… all of this. Locus needed to know how often Felix felt like this. He needed to know how poor off Felix actually was. _I should’ve let him kill me_ echoed over and over in his head, and he worried about that for hours until he finally drifted off to sleep.


	22. Hurt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Both of them hurt each other

They did not go suit shopping on Saturday. Felix was hungover and Locus just wanted to sit with him. He had a feeling something had happened last night, and he was a little worried that Felix wasn’t okay. That something big wasn’t okay.

“I used to like… I didn’t get hungover very much. I was pretty good. Now I have lost my tolerance.” Felix sighed as Locus offered him a damp cloth to cover his face.

“Maybe it’s a sign you shouldn’t have been drinking in the first place?” Locus offered, somewhat unhelpfully.

“I just wanted to have some fun. I just… It made me feel better. Not last night but before. When I drank a lot. I felt better and it was good and… now. I don’t know.” Felix shook his head.

“Why did you need to feel better?” 

“I just… I. Fuck.” Felix pulled the cloth away and looked up pathetically at Locus. “I was being weird and fucked up about. Like… You have a family and they love you. And everyone has a family that loves them. And I was being an asshole. I’m sorry.”

“Felix.” Locus sighed and sat down to pull Felix into his arms. “You don’t have to be sorry.”

“I do have to be sorry.” Felix sat up slowly and covered his face in his hands. “I have a lot I have to be sorry for.”

“Felix, what _happened_?”

“I… I. It…” Felix sighed heavily and looked away, trying and stopping a couple times to make a sentence. “I was so drunk. I don’t even remember why. How… it’s like. I just. I was just kissing him and it was like I didn’t even realise it until his hand was down my pants. And then I _stopped_. It was just _that_ and I _stopped_. B-but I did it. And I c-can’t lie to you about it too. I can’t that would be worse. And everything is going right and then I broke it and I ruined it and I stopped but I didn’t stop in time and I don’t even know why I did it and I’m sorry I’m so so sorry.”

Locus felt very cold, as if the room had suddenly plummeted in temperature. Felix was rambling apologies and pulling at his hair and Locus felt cold. He’d felt bad about worrying last night. Felix had _made_ him feel bad about worrying last night. Just because they used to didn’t mean they would.

Locus stepped back from the bed and stared at Felix for a long moment. Part of him just wanted to give up and just forgive him. Felix looked like he was tearing himself apart over it. He’d been a broken disastrous mess last night. It would be easier, wouldn’t it? To just accept the apology and move on?

But Locus felt like something had being broken. His trust in Felix, something important to their relationship. They’d spoken about it. Agreed. It was a commitment. Locus didn’t want Felix having sex with other people and Felix had agreed. Had promised. And now he was… something. 

Felix had stopped talking when Locus had stepped back, he looked horrified and small and kind of pathetic. It made Locus feel a little sick. He was so conflicted, wanting to comfort Felix and wanting to shout at him at the same time. He didn’t want Felix to hurt, but he wanted Felix to regret what he’d done. He wanted to be above feeling spiteful but he felt so hurt and angry he just… couldn’t be. 

“I can’t look at you right now.” His tone was harsh, and he knew it, but he couldn’t bring himself to pretend he wasn’t upset. He was furious and in pain and tired and he just… couldn’t deal with it right now. Before Felix could muster a response Locus turned and walked out the door.

\---

He’d finally done it. He’d finally broken it. He’d finally been too much for Locus to handle. Felix felt like he never wanted to get up again. He wanted to make it up to Locus, but he wanted to give him his space, but he wanted him back so horribly desperately. He felt like he’d torn out something vital. Like he needed Locus to breathe. 

Locus didn’t want to look at him. Didn’t want to talk it out. Didn’t want to hear any of it. Locus was disgusted with him, and Felix was disgusted with himself. 

He was lucky it was the weekend. He wasn’t getting out of bed for anything. He burrowed deep into his blankets and tried to keep from crying. He’d ruined the best thing in his life. The only good thing he’d ever had and he’d destroyed it. He’d fucked up their relationship like he fucked up everything else.

“This is why everyone hates you.” He whimpered to himself. “You’re the worst thing to happen to everyone you meet.”

He hated himself more than he ever had and he never wanted to get up again. He didn’t want to face the world, he didn’t want to exist. He deserved to be back in his room at home. 

\---

Locus paced the school aimlessly. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do. He didn’t know what he wanted. He was angry and he wanted Felix to hurt. He wanted find Zachary and make him hurt. He wanted to stay away from everyone until he could get his own hurt under control. But at the same time as he was furious with Felix he wanted to forgive him. He wanted to stop feeling like this. Felix was the main comfort in his life, the person he would turn to if he felt like this regularly. He didn’t have anyone to talk to because usually he’d have Felix. 

He found a place outside to sit and try to sort himself out. He clutched his face in his hands and focused on breathing. It was so hard to focus on anything. Every emotion seemed wild and intense and too much to handle. 

It was so hard to pull his mind together, he felt like he was screaming inside his head. He never wanted to admit it was a problem, all the people Felix had been with. Felix had a past, that wasn’t what mattered for their future. He wanted to be a better person, someone who never cared, who wasn’t that shallow. Sometimes it wormed into his mind that many people had seen Felix intimately. It made him insecure in so many ways. Would he ever measure up? Would it change something? Felix had started a relationship with Locus while he was still afraid to be too close to other people. It seemed like one thing to be true to Locus when he didn’t want to have sex with anyone else. 

And there was another side of the problem, Felix wanted to have sex with other people. Not openly, not usually, but he was sexually attracted to other people. Locus never saw anyone else and was drawn to them that way, but he knew Felix was. Felix could want someone just from looking at them. That was probably normal, more likely Locus was the freak in this, but it ate at him. Why couldn’t he be the only one to Felix? 

It was worst with Zachary. Zachary was still friends with Felix, Zachary hung around them, played games with them. He had to see Zachary all the time and know that Zachary had been having sex with Felix long before Locus was. Even while Locus was having sex with Felix, Zachary was too. Every time Felix touched Zachary Locus found himself wondering how close was normal and how close was too far. 

Felix spending the evening with Zachary shouldn’t have been reason to worry, but it had been and Locus had been right. Part of him blamed Zachary. Zachary should have backed off, should have… no, Zachary had never been a real interest to Felix, just physical. But physical felt like enough. It was enough to hurt so much. He wanted to yell at Zachary, like he couldn’t bring himself to yell at Felix. Tell him to stay away, keep his hands to himself, stop fucking talking about it. He hated every time one of them mentioned something that implied how close they had been. He didn’t want to be this possessive, but he didn’t want Zachary and Felix to have a connection anymore.

He couldn’t do that. He wanted to. Especially… he couldn’t hate Felix. As much as he was angry, as much as he was hurt, he couldn’t _hate_ Felix. He kind of hated Zachary. 

He breathed and held onto that thought. It was a good place to start. He didn’t hate Felix. He still loved Felix. Hurting, angry, even disgusted, he still loved Felix. He wanted to be able to work things out with him. Though he couldn’t stand the idea of talking to him right now. He didn’t want to look at Felix right now, or have anything to do with him. Part of him was afraid he’d lash out in anger and hurt Felix more than he could take back. 

_I should’ve let him kill me…_

It would be very easy to hurt Felix in an irreparable way. Felix was already so broken down and vulnerable, it would be so simple to just… It was best that Locus stayed where he was. He knew just this was hurting Felix and he felt both guilty and satisfied with that. He wanted Felix to suffer like he was suffering. But he hated that he felt that way. Felix suffered so much. But that didn’t make it right. Just because Felix hurt didn’t mean he could just hurt Locus and get away with it. 

Even if it was an accident? Making out wasn’t an accident. Even drunk Locus couldn’t see accidentally making out with someone. Drunk didn’t make you forget you had a boyfriend. He still chose to kiss someone. Drunk or not he’d betrayed Locus’ trust, and Locus didn’t know how that could be fixed. He didn’t know how to trust Felix after this. 

And he’d been hiding things. Things were upsetting Felix and he hadn’t told Locus, had kept it to himself. They’d agreed to… no, that wasn’t fair. Locus had spent ages secretly upset with Felix over nothing. Felix had so much he had to work through, it wasn’t fair to hold it against him… It still hurt, that Felix didn’t think he could come to Locus with it. That he thought he had to hide how bad he was getting.

And it _was_ getting bad. Felix had scared him badly last night and that needed to be dealt with. Felix wasn’t a minor anymore, Locus had to convince him to talk to his therapist about his family. Locus didn’t know what to do about it. He couldn’t give Felix a family, except for himself. He didn’t mind the idea of being Felix’s family, but he knew it wouldn’t be the same. Wouldn’t mean the same.

That bothered him too. Felix had cheated on him, and that hurt, and Locus didn’t want to talk to Felix now, didn’t want to look at him or be near him. But they _needed_ to talk. There was something big and terrifying that they needed to talk about and Locus couldn’t bring himself to deal with it now. So it festered, and made the whole situation feel worse. 

\---

Felix crawled into his own bed and didn’t get out of it the whole day except to go to the bathroom. He slipped between feeling everything with such an intensity that his body physically hurt, to feeling nothing and thinking nothing and barely existing. He might have slept during those points. His mind went so blank he didn’t notice as hours ticked by. He was sweaty and aching and shaking badly and there was nothing he could do. He’d done enough. Ruined enough. He’d been exactly the piece of shit he knew he was and he’d destroyed everything he wanted. 

Locus was probably going to get another room. He was probably in the office right now talking about changing rooms. He wouldn’t want to stay here with Felix. He was going to come back and pack his things. He was going to throw every gift Felix had ever given him away. Locus was going to have his perfect future, because Felix wasn’t ruining his life anymore.

Felix would… Felix felt like he was just going to die. He knew that was melodramatic. He’d promised Locus he could live without him, but he didn’t want to. 

He wouldn’t have to be better if Locus didn’t want him. He could throw himself into everything stupid he ever did and let it eat him. Sex, alcohol, fighting… he almost laughed as he thought _maybe I should just start doing drugs?_ It would round it off. Basically every he could do to himself to be anyone but himself.

He’d seen people who did that, when he tried to live on the streets. He saw them everywhere, really. All the time. He saw his mother do that… not drugs and maybe not sex but she drank herself stupid to stop being in the moment. Maybe that would be easier than being him. Drunk and empty would make being alone easier. 

Nobody loved him. It seemed like Locus was his one chance, the one and only person who might ever love him, and he didn’t. How could he after this? After everything? Locus would see that Felix wasn’t someone anyone could love. 

He couldn’t die. That would hurt Locus even more, but he could stop existing properly. 

He let himself slip into numbness and stared at the books on Locus’ desk. He wanted to make it right, but he didn’t think he could. He didn’t think he deserved it. After all this Locus deserved someone decent, someone good and normal and not broken. Not Felix.

Thinking of Locus not only leaving him but finding someone else hurt too much to handle, it finally broke him down into tears. He pressed his face hard into the pillow so no one could hear him and sobbed until he barely had the strength left in him to move. 

It took hours before there was any sign of Locus. Just before the door locked Locus walked through it into the room. 

Felix hurt so much bracing for whatever Locus was going to say. It took him a long time to say anything. He got changed and brushed his hair and didn’t look at Felix for a long while. 

When he finally did turn to Felix his expression was unreadable, even for Felix. He was shaking a little though. “I can’t talk to you yet.” He said carefully, then looked away. “But we will talk. We need to talk. I just can’t right now.”

Felix nodded silently and Locus sighed, then got into his own bunk to go to sleep.

Felix didn’t dare hope that talking would be good, as much as he wanted it to be. He didn’t deserve for any of this to turn out good.


	23. Talk About It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They sit down and talk

Felix wasn’t there when Locus woke up, but that wasn’t completely unusual. Felix woke up hours before him on weekends.

It was probably for the best, too. Locus still wasn’t sure he could talk to Felix yet. There was so much that needed to be said. And Locus wasn’t sure yet how they could fix things if he didn’t forgive Felix yet. They needed to, Locus wasn’t sure when he’d be able to forgive Felix and they couldn’t just wait in silence for that to happen. Things would break if they tried to do that.

The ball was probably in Locus’ court, though. Felix had told him what happened, and had apologised. Locus had said he couldn’t talk yet, so it was likely going to be on him to decide when that happened. Felix always made it a point that if Locus laid down a boundary he would respect it.

Usually. Mostly. Except for Friday.

He unbraided his hair and brushed it so he could put it back neatly, moving mechanically as he lost himself in thought. He couldn’t just let this sit, it was just going to get worse if it sat. If it stretched on and on there would be no way back. He wanted to be able to forgive Felix. He wanted to wipe the whole thing from the table, to go back to…

Summer, probably. If he could pick a time when things were right. Mostly right. Felix’s attacks were worse during the summer, but they had each other. Locus didn’t have studying to do or homework to eat his time, and Felix was his. Selfishly but delightfully his. Felix’s days were his and their mornings could be slow and lazy and comfortable and… Locus let out a slow breath of air and let himself live in that memory for a long moment. Let himself remember lazy summer mornings and everything he loved about spending time with Felix. Bad jokes, weird TV, the awkward fit of his jeans and the bright look on his face. How long had it been since Felix had been that happy?

Fuck.

Locus sank back down onto his bed and covered his face with his hands. How long had it been since Felix had been happy? Beyond the bruising there’d been circles under his eyes, when he hadn’t flushed with emotion he’d been pale, he was so much more tired than he usually was…

_Don’t go away…_ he’d whispered while falling asleep. Before any of this had happened, before he’d kissed Zachary, while he was too tired to pretend he’d begged Locus to…

Fuck. _Fuck_.

Locus was so bad at… at people. He had missed so many things. So many tells that something was off. How long had he been oblivious? Had Felix been hoping he’d notice? Locus wished he’d just spoken to him instead. But of course he wouldn’t… because Felix thought he was being a burden. Felix felt guilty for every attack he had, every nightmare Locus woke him from, or flashback Locus held him through. Felix wouldn’t think that he was what’s best for someone, so when it came to what was best for Locus… 

_Don’t go away…_

_I should’ve let him kill me…_

_Nobody loves me._

Fuck. 

Locus shook as he tried to pinpoint when things had started falling apart. He couldn’t forgive Felix for cheating, but he didn’t think he could let that matter. How many times had he hurt Felix through ignorance? How many signs had he missed? How long had he let Felix suffer because he simply had other things to do?

He’d just assumed Felix would always be there when the work was finished, when the other things were set aside. He’d put Felix on hold, he’d taken him for granted, taken for granted that Felix would be there even after he’d ignored him for weeks. 

He’d ignored him for weeks. 

When Felix had been hurting he’d hidden it so Locus wouldn’t be bothered by it, and when Locus had been upset he’d given Felix the cold shoulder. He’d treated Felix’s time like his own because Felix was always agreeable to it. 

_Let’s do something together one of these days. I miss you._

_We’re together all the time._

Locus felt sick to his stomach. He curled in on himself and breathed slowly. Felix had gotten drunk because he wanted to have fun, because he felt bad, because he was hurting. How long had Locus left him hurting until he turned to something else to help?

Forgiving Felix didn’t matter, he didn’t know how he would forgive _himself_. 

He dressed quickly and tried to think of what he could say to make all of this right. At least once he found Felix. He couldn’t sit around and wait until Felix came back, he needed to make things right. He’d let so many things go wrong through negligence, he needed to fix it.

\---

It would help if Locus had any idea where Felix was. The school was too big. And what if Felix had left? They were eighteen they could do that. They could just leave. Locus couldn’t search the whole city for Felix. 

He wasn’t at the gym, or the library or the showers, or the student lounge, or the cafeteria. Locus wandered the halls feeling ragged with emotion and aching with stress. He’d spent months treating Felix like a convenient toy, and a whole day leaving him to stew in his own guilt and self loathing because Locus thought he deserved it.

And Felix thought Locus was the good one.

Locus felt _sick_.

He felt like he was going to fall apart if he didn’t keep walking, keep looking, keep trying.

Running into Zachary was the last thing he needed in every way, but that’s just how life was. He was grinning and happy and fine like he hadn’t done anything, hadn’t hurt anything hadn’t…

Locus had grabbed him by the shirt and thrown him against the wall before he really knew what his body was doing.

“ _Jesus_!” Zachary shouted and grabbed at Locus’ hand. “Fuck I guess he went with honesty, then?”

“You need to stay away.” Locus growled, jerking him so he could slam him against the wall again. 

“ _Fuck_ , you ran into _me_.” 

“You need to stay away from me and from Felix. You’ve done enough damage.”

“You are such a drama queen, we were drunk. I just kissed him.” Zachary groaned and tried to squirm out of Locus’ hold.

“Do you know where he is right now?”

“No. Jesus, you gonna rough him up too? Fuck. Get off of me.”

Locus dropped Zachary and he wobbled as he dropped back to his feet. “I don’t want to see you for a long time. You’re no longer invited to future engagements. Get out of my face.”

“Fine. Jesus christ.” Zachary pulled at his shirt to straighten it and shook his head. “I don’t wanna see you either, asshole.”

Locus ran a hand over his hair and turned to search another hall. He didn’t need this. He wanted to hit Zachary so badly. It wasn’t even his fault. It wasn’t Zachary’s fault that Locus was awful.

He realised slowly that there was one place he hadn’t looked, it should have been the obvious place. He should have looked there first and it ached in his stomach. The first time he’d heard that Felix went onto the roof he’d been scared Felix was suicidal, now…

_I should’ve let him kill me…_

Locus ran for the broken door, his heart racing as he took the stairs three at a time. 

Felix was laying sprawled out on the roof watching the sky, and he jumped when Locus threw the door open. He sat up to look at Locus and he was so small and so tired looking, Locus’ heart hurt. 

He opened his mouth and stammered, every word in his head fighting to get out all at once. “Felix.”

Felix looked so hopeless, so defeated and empty. He looked like he had nothing left in him and he flinched when Locus spoke. 

“I’m so sorry.” Locus shook his head and walked across the roof to stand beside Felix.

“ _What_.”

Locus felt awkward, towering over Felix as he remained seated, so he sat down as well. “I’m sorry.”

“Uh. I’m the one that fucked up. Don’t apologise to me! What are you apologising for? I broke it. I fucked everything up. Don’t--” Felix rambled, his voice high and cracking with panic.

“You… I fucked up first.” Locus ran his hands over his hair. “I’ve been fucking up for a long time.”

“What are you talking about? You’re not. You didn’t! You’re amazing you didn’t do anything. You didn’t fuck anything up.”

“Felix, how long has it been since you’ve been happy?”

Felix let out a long breath of air and looked away to watch the sky for a moment. “I’m happy with you.”

“Felix…” Locus shook his head. “I mean honestly. Please?”

“I’m not… I mean. I _am_ happy with you. That’s not a lie. We have our moments and we have fun and I’m happy then. It’s not as often these days, I think… but I am happy with you. I didn’t mean to ruin it. I’m sorry. I just wanted to feel better one night, it used to make me feel better. It used to be…” Felix lay back and draped his arms over his face, taking some long shaking breaths. “I could get out of myself, stop being myself, stop feeling like… me. And I just got lost. I got too drunk, but that’s not… good enough. I shouldn’t’ve let it happen and I did and I’m sorry.”

Locus inched closer so he could gently take Felix’s hands and pull them away. “It hurts that you did it. I don’t want to lie to you about that.” He shifted so Felix’s head was resting on his legs and he could run his fingers through Felix’s hair. “But it’s not important enough to do this to you. I love you, Felix, and I’m not going to let this be important.”

Felix closed his eyes and just let Locus play with his hair for a little while, he didn’t seem to know what to say, but Locus gave him time. Sometimes it was scary how small Felix was, even muscular Locus could have picked him up so easily. When he first met Felix he’d thought he looked a lot like a sickly child… sometimes that was still true. Though Felix had developed, he’d changed and grown and he looked more like an adult now. He was still small, and a little sick looking.

“I’ve been so scared you were going to leave me. Going to hate me…” Felix spoke softly without opening his eyes. “Even before yesterday, I think. I feel like I’m dead weight. I don’t have anything special about me, or important about me. I felt like you were drifting away, and you’d be much happier if you did. I struggled with it… All this time I’ve known you I knew I wasn’t good for you. I knew I was ruining your life before knowing me almost got you killed. I knew if I was a good person I’d let you go, so you could be happy. But I couldn’t be a good person. I don’t know when you became something like air to me but I need you. I promised you I would be able to live without you and I would, but it hurts. It hurts so much. A person can go three months without eating, but it’s a miserable, awful, painful three months. I think that’s what life would be like… I could live my life without you but it would be miserable and painful and empty.”

Locus continued trailing his fingers through Felix’s hair as he spoke, feeling sick and shaken as he let the words sink in. It wasn’t all new, Felix had said a lot of this before. 

“Felix…” Locus curled forward so he could look Felix in the eye. “I am happy because you’re in my life. I get angry too, but that doesn’t negate the happiness. I need you too. Like food and air and water, I need you. And you’ve been here for me, every second I need you. I’ve taken it for granted, I’ve just expected you to always be there. Even when I’m awful to you--”

“You’re _not_ \--”

“I am awful to you.” Locus spoke firmly and had to look away, shame heating his face. “I have ignored you, been blind to you, I have treated you like you were convenient. Like my time was more important, like you should just mold your life to fit mine. I’ve been taking and taking without giving an inch.”

“No.” Felix reached up to cup Locus’ face in his hands. “You’ve done so much for me, you’ve been through so much for me. Because of me. I don’t know why you think I make you happy. You say that but I’ve never done anything good for you. I just--”

“When I was fifteen I didn’t know anyone. I spoke occasionally with my teachers. I did my homework and I went to bed. Sometimes I’d read books and think about living a life like they did. I thought that probably friends like that were something people made up, like how everyone knows romance novels aren’t how real relationships go.” Locus took one of Felix’s hands and kissed the palm of it, felt the scars against his lips and took a breath. “When I was ten I thought everyone felt like that. I thought everyone was afraid of talking to people. No one else really connected. Everyone else felt as shallow and disconnected as I did. Even when they acted different, and had friends and family and people they talked to… It was never me, it’s never been me. People talk to me and lose patience because I don’t know how to talk to them. That’s how it’s always been. I don’t think in my whole life I’ve connected to anyone. I think I tried for a while, it just didn’t work, so I gave up.”

Felix was quiet as Locus spoke, but traced his fingers up and down Locus’ cheek.

“No one knew when my sixteenth birthday was, not like no one knew yours but… there wasn’t anyone to care. It came around and I’d maybe lie in bed and imagine. I had birthday parties when I was young. Not all the time, but some families threw them for me. It was never personal, though. They never really knew who I was, I got a lot of cheap generic toys and grocery store cakes and… _we_ celebrated my seventeenth birthday like it was a day that mattered. And that’s what life’s been like since you decided to care about me. You know things that I like, things that I do. You care _so_ much about my future. You figured out my favourite colour, you never gave up. I’m _hard_ to talk to. I know that, I’ve been told that. I’m like talking to a wall half the time. But you kept talking to me, and getting to know me. You brought me to meet people you knew, and somehow with you there I was able to become their friend. Every day I wake up and you’ve spent the night in my arms. I know I can talk to you whenever anything happens. I was so lost yesterday, whenever anything goes wrong I can talk to you and then I couldn’t… it made me realise how much I need you.” Locus paused for breath and clutched Felix’s hands in his. “I wasn’t living before. I don’t even know if I was surviving. It just felt like I was just dying slowly. You made it living. When I say you make me happy I mean it. I mean it in every way possible. I barely knew what happiness was supposed to be like until you. Every light moment in my childhood is like a candle compared to the sun. You deserve to feel like the sun. I should make you feel like the sun.”

Felix half giggled, half sobbed and squeezed Locus’ hands. “You’re so ridiculous.”

“I am. And I love you desperately, dearly, overwhelmingly. I’m sorry I let you feel like I didn’t.” Locus doubled over so he could kiss Felix’s forehead. “Will you give me a chance to do better?”

“You don’t have to do better.”

“I do.”

Felix sighed and smiled helplessly. “Then… then I guess. If that means… means you’ll give me another chance to be good at this? To be a good boyfriend.”

“You are a good boyfriend, Felix.” 

“I… I cheated on you.”

Locus sighed and shook his head. “I can’t promise I’m not going to be a little insecure about that for a little while. But I love you, and I want this…. I want _you_ too much for it to be important. Just promise you never will again.”

“I _promise_. I wish I’d never done it to begin with. If I had all my senses… god. I don’t know how I let that happen and I hate that it happened and I’m so sorry.”

“Okay then.” Locus nodded. “Then we’ll work with that.”

“I love you.” Felix smiled weakly up at Locus. 

“I love you too.” Locus sighed softly. “I need you to talk to me more, though.”

“What?”

“You’ve been bad off for a while, and you didn’t let me know. I need to know. I’m… I’m kind of an idiot when it comes to people. You have to talk to me.” Locus bit his lip and looked away. “Please trust me?”

“I do! I do trust you. I just… just… everything’s going so right for you, it’s so big, you’re so happy! I don’t want to… I can’t just drag you down.” Felix sighed and looked away.

“When I’m upset you’re there for me. You help me through things and support me. Even if I’m happy, I want you to feel comfortable talking to me.” Locus began brushing his fingers through Felix’s hair again. 

“You’re so happy about your family though…” 

“I want to know if you’re hurting, Felix.”

“I… I’ll try? I’ll try and talk about things.” Felix sighed heavily and looked a little like he was pouting. “It’s weird and stupid though… the things in my head. They’re… dumb.”

“Let you in on a secret? Most of the stuff in my head is dumb, too.” Locus smiled a little when Felix snorted.

“I’ve been jealous… of your family. It’s so surreal and… I don’t know. Nobody’s ever loved me like that. I don’t get a family. Everyone gets a family but me.” Felix sighed and rolled his eyes. “See it’s _dumb_.”

“I don’t think it is. It’s lonely watching other people have a happiness you can’t touch. It’s… It’s _absolutely_ surreal, that my family is… The way that they are.” Locus shook his head. “You’re allowed to be jealous of that. I have been and continue to be jealous of much littler things.”

“I want it so much sometimes. Not _my_ family, but _a_ family. I wanna know what it’s like. What’s it like to be loved like that? To have someone see you and say just… ‘home at last.’ What’s that like?” Felix reached his hands up to the sky, stretching his fingers before collapsing back onto the roof.

“It’s… kind of amazing. Warm and comforting and safe…” Locus admitted quietly. “It’s also scary. I don’t know them. I barely know anything about them and they say that they love me. It’s scary.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Locus nodded. “I don’t know what they’re like when they get mad? I don’t know… They say they love me, but I don’t know if _I_ love _them_. I don’t know them. I don’t think… I don’t think I can love someone just because they’re family and I’m supposed to.”

Felix nodded thoughtfully. “I wouldn’t know how to do it, either…”

“I know you, though. I’ve seen you mad and sad and scared and scary… I know you. And I know I love you.” 

Felix giggled a little and covered his face. “I love you, too.”

“I’m a little bit mad at you right now, but I’m not going to stop loving you. I’m not going to stop being here for you. You have me, through everything. For everything. No matter what.” Locus curled down to kiss his forehead, then his nose and his cheeks and finally his lips. It was awkward and upside down but kind of perfect too. “I’m here.”

“I’m here too. I’m here for you always. All the time.” Felix smiled fondly as Locus pulled away.

“Good.”


	24. Recovering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trying to find normal after an explosion

It was never a good sign when Felix slept to Locus’ alarm. Lurching slowly awake Locus noticed there was still a weight pressed against his side and blinked down at Felix. He could tell by the way Felix’s brow was furrowed and he was pressing his face into Locus’ chest that the alarm had woken him too.

“Felix?”

“No.” Felix mumbled and curled up more, pulling the blankets up to his nose.

“No?” Locus rubbed his eyes and yawned widely. “No what?”

“I’m not getting up.” Felix huffed a little. “I’m tired.”

Locus sighed a little and slowly pushed himself up to sit, Felix rolled off him with a groan and grasped for a pillow to curl up to. “I think you have to…”

“No.” Felix frowned and then pressed his face into the pillow.

“Well… _I_ have to get up.” Locus scrubbed his face with his hands and watched Felix curl up more in the bunk.

“Mmm… Okay.” Felix muttered a little into the pillow.

Locus nodded slowly at Felix then pushed himself out of bed to find what he needed for a shower. 

Felix was still in bed when Locus got back and made a face when Locus offered him some toast and an apple.

“Are you feeling sick?” Locus sat down on the bed and got Felix to at least nibble on the toast.

“Mm.” Felix groaned a little and shrugged staring at his toast unhappily. “I don’t feel _good_...”

Locus pressed his hand to Felix’s face to see if he felt warm, and Felix leaned into the touch. “I don’t think you have a fever.”

Felix sighed a little and slowly ate his toast as Locus got ready to go to class. 

“Are you going to go see Phyllis?” Locus leaned against his desk and watched Felix curl back into the blankets.

“Yeah… later. It’ll be fine, promise.” 

Locus frowned a little and got up to brush his fingers through Felix’s hair. “You going to be okay?”

“Yeah…” Felix leaned up into the touch again and Locus relaxed slowly. “Just a bad day… You go to class.”

Locus nodded and kissed Felix softly before standing up. “Take care of yourself.”

“I’ll try, promise.” Felix wiggled his fingers in a little wave as Locus set off.

Locus longed to just curl up back in bed with him, for so many reasons. The weekend had left him exhausted too. Stressed, shaken, hurt and guilty… classes were the last thing Locus wanted to deal with. But it would give him a chance to get out of his head, hopefully. Get away from the guilt for just a little while… at least long enough to think of something. He needed to work on being more conscious of Felix, more compassionate. He couldn’t just let everything else in his life take priority.

Felix had wanted to do something together, so maybe he could work on that? It would be a step at least. Once everything was finished being raw he’d deal with how he felt about the kiss. It hurt still, it hurt a lot, but it felt like it just couldn’t be important with everything else that was going on. Locus loved Felix more than it hurt, and that was just going to have to be that for right now.

He could blame Zachary though. He had no reason not to be mad at Zachary, so he tried to let the betrayal and hurt turn to Zachary too. After all Zachary knew full well that Felix had a Locus, and Zachary had still put his hand down Felix’s pants. Apparently. That was all Zachary. Felix had said that Zachary putting his hand down Felix’s pants had snapped him out of it. So it seemed to Locus that Felix hadn’t wanted Zachary’s hand there, so all the blame could be tipped to Zachary.

Petty seemed to be the way Locus functioned these days, but there was nothing that said he had to like Zachary… he hadn’t been particularly fond of Zachary to begin with. Though that may have been shallow, Locus wasn’t fond of most of the people Felix had had sex with. At least the rest of them didn’t hang around reminding Locus of it.

He was going to have to explain to Felix at some point that he had thrown Zachary against a wall and banned him from hanging out with them… but perhaps later. Probably before Felix had Creative Writing with him though. 

The group was probably going to miss his snack contributions at game night, but that was a sacrifice Locus was willing to live with.

\---

“Well it’s good to see you for something that isn’t a black eye for once.” Phyllis said dryly as Felix let himself drop onto the cot.

“It’s nice not to… wait I still have a black eye, don’t I?” Felix frowned and poked his face lightly.

“Bit of one, yeah.” Phyllis tucked her hands in her pockets and tilted her head. “But that’s not what’s bothering you?”

“Yeah. I mean no?” Felix made a face and shook his head. “I don’t feel good.”

“How so?” Phyllis looked Felix over.

“I’m really tired. And sore. I didn’t do anything bad.” Felix hunched his shoulders defensively even though Phyllis hadn’t said anything. “I just feel really weak. Maybe I have a cold or something?”

Phyllis hummed thoughtfully. “You have lost some weight. Do you have a fever?”

“You can check?” Felix blushed and looked down, Phyllis didn’t see him _all_ the time, but she noticed the weight thing. “Weight could be anything I can’t put weight on for shit.”

Phyllis pressed the thermometer to his ear to take his temperature and clicked her tongue. “Language.”

Felix groaned and rolled his eyes as she took the thermometer away and threw the cap in the garbage.

“No fever. Doesn’t mean you’re not sick though.” Phyllis waved a hand a little. “When’s your next appointment with Dr Grey?”

“What?” Felix frowned and tried to figure out the conversation swerve. “Not until next month, why? Where’d that come from?”

“You’ve been low energy lately…” Phyllis shook her head. “It could just be a bug of some sort, but it seems to be lasting.”

“You think this has something to do with the PTSD or something? I’m not like… having as many attacks or anything.” Felix picked lint off the sheet on the cot to avoid looking at Phyllis. 

“I think it would be a good idea to mention this to Dr Grey when you see her. Weight changes and fatigue can point to other things.” Phyllis shifted her shoulders thoughtfully. 

“My weight drops all the time, though. Every time I think I put some on I lose it again.” 

“It’s hard to say with that one since you have such a… complicated relationship with food?” Phyllis raised an eyebrow and Felix snorted.

“Sometimes it’s hard to eat, sometimes I’m hungry all the time. I dunno. It’s dumb.”

“Write down some of these things, like how often you’re uncharacteristically tired, or your eating habits change, it could help.”

“There’s something you think is up.” Felix narrowed his eyes suspiciously at Phyllis.

“I’m not licensed to diagnose anything.” Phyllis shrugged a little.

“Okay well if you were just somebody and not the school nurse what would you be thinking?” Felix scowled.

“Weight and sleep changes can be signs of depression, which has been associated with PTSD.” 

Felix made a face and shook his head. “No way. Being down a little isn’t depression that’s just things happening.”

“Are things happening?”

“Things are _always_ happening.” Felix rolled his eyes. “I just got a bug. I got a ton of energy other times.”

Phyllis shrugged again. “Like I said I can’t diagnose anything, I just think it’s worth talking to Dr Grey about it. _Things_ are always happening. She and your therapist could help with that.”

Felix groaned and looked around the room. “Why’s it gotta be my brain’s broken? I’m tired of my brain being broken. Isn’t it supposed to be getting better?”

“It doesn’t always work like that. Especially during teen years.”

“What does being a teenager have to do with anything?” Felix’s face wrinkled up like he’d tasted something sour. 

“You’re awash with chemical changes and your brain’s still developing certain pathways… There’s a reason doctors don’t like putting teenagers on antidepressants.” Phyllis tapped her desk lightly. “Trauma while the brain is developing can have different effects, so teens and children… yeah, it’s different.”

“....that’s bullshit.”

Phyllis looked like she really didn’t care about language anymore and she nodded slightly. “Little bit. It’s tricky, that’s why it’s important to know about childhood trauma.”

Felix flinched a little and leaned back on his hands. “Does this mean someone’s gonna put me on pills?”

“Maybe. That’s between you and Dr Grey. You are 18 now, so that changes a lot of things. You can make a lot of decisions for yourself.”

“Can I make the decision to go back to bed? I don’t feel awesome.” 

“Sure thing, I’ll write up a note.” Phyllis nodded and turned to her computer. “Try and eat something today?”

“I usually do.” Felix wanted to pretend he wasn’t pouting, but he was tired and felt awful, and the idea of his brain getting worse instead of better was an unappealing one. 

\---

Locus was late getting back after school and Felix was doing his best not to worry. There was so much to worry about these days, it seemed. As if figuring out how to be a decent person and good boyfriend wasn’t enough? Locus was still upset about Felix having kissed Zachary, and Felix didn’t blame him. Felix was still upset about it. He couldn’t figure out how he could possibly make it up to him. Even though they’d worked out some sort of peace things weren’t _right_ yet. Felix felt weak under the weight of it. 

Locus was the most important… _anything_ in his life. He needed to express that properly without fucking it up. He thought he’d been doing good, but he’d just made a mess of everything. He thought he could keep his emotional problems from Locus, keep himself from burdening Locus with them. Locus had so much going on in his life he didn’t need Felix the a walking human disaster dragging him down. But instead he’d hurt Locus by keeping it from him. There needed to be a balance, a way to keep from weighing Locus down without pushing Locus away. Felix couldn’t figure out how he was supposed to do that. 

And then there was Phyllis’ suggestion. He didn’t think it was true, probably. His weight had fluctuated since he started eating, that wasn’t a for sure sign of anything. Plus sleep was… he slept less than anyone he knew, he was the only kid he knew who didn’t need an alarm clock. So he’d been tired lately, he’d been stressed lately. Being stressed lately didn’t mean he was depressed. 

He’d googled it out of paranoia, looked through the symptoms… the answers hadn’t really been what he’d wanted. Feeling hopeless? Changes in sleep and eating? Aggression? Alcohol? It seemed… well, just looking at it like a checklist it seemed to fit, but he’d been doing _better_. He’d been eating these past few years, which was an _improvement_ , he had actual hopes for the future so that was better than he had been, he was fighting less, he’d only gotten drunk once this year. He decided that Phyllis had to be wrong, because he was doing better, despite the slip ups lately, he was doing all right. 

The fact that a lot of that seemed to depend on Locus was… troubling, but Felix didn’t feel like going too far into that. He would just have to do everything in his power to be good to Locus, and be what Locus needed. 

He couldn’t tell Locus any of this, though… Not if Locus was still nervous about Felix being too dependant. ‘You’re my antidepressant’ was creepy, not romantic. And probably not how it worked. Felix didn’t want to have to think about any of it, but he probably should tell Dr Grey just in case. If he did have something wrong with his brain maybe she could fix it and it would make him easier for Locus to deal with?

Damn it like he didn’t have enough to worry about, he didn’t need this right now. He wished he hadn’t pushed Phyllis to tell him what she thought. He didn’t like the answer at all.

Locus finally got back to their room almost an hour after school had ended. Felix had been nearly out of his mind fretting, but Locus smiled when he came in and handed Felix a bright candy pink slurpee. 

“I figured illegal sugar was probably the cure to most illnesses.” Locus shrugged a little and set down a bag on his desk. “That and Pad Thai.”

Felix hesitated for a second, then grinned and clutched the frozen drink in his hands. “Illegal sugar and real food probably help a lot of things.”

“Are you feeling a little bit better?” Locus pulled out a plastic fork and a takeout container and handed them to Felix too. 

Felix scooted to the edge of the bunk so he could put the slurpee on the floor and take the food. “Yeah, I got some extra sleep. I think I just needed to play a little catch up or something.”

“Well… I was thinking maybe we have a quiet movie night tonight? Load something to watch and eat spicy noodles and… just do something together?” Locus shrugged a little uncertainly.

“Well. Noodles and a movie sounds pretty good to me. Especially with you.” Felix smiled a little sheepishly.

“Now who’s the sap?”

“Still you. You’re just rubbing off on me a little.” Felix laughed as Locus grabbed his food and his laptop and climbed onto the bed to sit with Felix. “Thank you.”

“Being 18 and able to leave school has its perks, like being able to go get real food once in a while.” Locus leaned to kiss Felix’s temple lightly. “Though we’ll probably get caught if we do it too often.”

“Makes it special.” Felix leaned against Locus and began stabbing at his noodles with his fork. Already things seemed better, the idea of depression seemed stupid curled up against Locus. He could eat food just fine when it wasn’t awful, probably. 

Felix just had a worry problem. That was totally different. Right? Definitely… And it was totally reasonable, there were plenty of things to worry about. He just needed to remember group and try and put them in order. He could only deal with one thing at a time or whatever the lesson had been. Worrying about everything right now wasn’t helping… he needed to fix one thing and then focus on the next. 

First thing was going to be the pain he’d caused Locus. He needed to fix things properly, make things up to Locus and make things right. Locus was the most important, Felix needed to heal that first.


	25. Fitted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day date

“Well what do you think?” Felix stepped out of the changing room and held his hands out. It was a pretty simple slim styled black tuxedo with a grey vest, but it fit him well. It was pinned in place for the moment, but at the time of their prom it was going to be sewn into just the right shape. Or nearly anyway, Felix had asked for a little wiggle room since he was trying to gain weight. 

“You look amazing.” Locus smiled softly and looked him over. He held out a hand to pull Felix over and get him to turn. 

Felix laughed, “I wear a uniform every day, it can’t be that much different.”

“Our uniforms are made to be shapeless. This looks really good on you. I like the vest.” 

“You go get fitted, then. I want eye-candy too!” Felix shook his head and pushed Locus to the fitting rooms.

Locus’ tuxedo was a modern fit, he was bigger than Felix, and slim suited someone slim as the assistant had informed them. They had decided to match, black tuxedo and grey vest, though they were still going back and forth over ties.

The assistant pinned his tuxedo into place and made sure everything was the right fit. Locus was less likely to change in size between now and prom, so his was fitted a little more snugly. He held out his hands as he stepped out and raised an eyebrow at Felix.

A grin split across Felix’s face and he bounced on his toes a little. “ _That_ looks great. If our uniform jackets fit like that… man.” 

Locus rolled his eyes but smiled, it was good to see Felix with some energy. It had been a rough week. He felt like they were both walking on toes through interactions, carefully choosing their words and measuring their touches. 

Felix had been a little upset that Locus had lashed out at Zachary, but had agreed that they wouldn’t hang out with him. He’d claimed that Zachary was harmless, but Locus hardly saw it that way. 

They’d shifted last weekend’s plans to this weekend, and spent a long Saturday afternoon pouring over different styles and colours of tuxedos. 

“So green’s your usual colour, you gonna get a green tie? Neutral suits mean any colour tie would work.” Felix sorted through fabric swatches to find the right colour. “Like a darker green maybe? Something dark like the vest… hm…” He finally produced a dark sort of forest green fabric and held it up to Locus. “I mean I don’t know shit about this sorta thing, but I think it’d work?”

“I… I do like green.” Locus admitted with a little shrug. “I think that colour should be fine, if you like it?”

“I do.” Felix nodded with a thoughtful face and set the fabric aside to use as an example and turned to the swatches again. “What should I wear?”

Locus leaned over him and thumbed through the swatches until he found a bright slightly jarring orange. “This one?”

“ _Orange_?” Felix wrinkled his nose and laughed. “Why d’ya like me in orange?”

“It suits you.” Locus said dryly. “Like a warning label.”

Felix snorted and took out the fabric to hold against his chest, looking at how the colour stood out against the grey and black. “Like a poisonous animal?”

“Or that.” Locus reached to mess Felix’s hair playfully. “Plus it matches your hair.”

“My hair just turns that colour when I bleach it.” Felix pouted and smoothed his hair back. “Well I’ll see if they have ties in these colours, then.”

Locus watched Felix take the colour swatches up to the assistant and speak to him briefly, the assistant pulled out a rack of tie selections and Felix began sorting through them.

This was good. Solidifying. Planning for the future and doing something as a couple. It was something that they both needed. The hope for something fun was there and important. Prom was supposed to be a pretty big deal, but mostly it was a party. A chance to be with Felix and friends and not think about anything too serious. It was going to be good.

Felix ran back with two ties in hand, the orange of Felix’s tie was a little more muted than the swatch he’d run off with but probably that was just what was available.

“There, now we’re all set. We’ve got everything we need.” Felix smirked a little.

“Yeah. It looks like we’re set.” Locus smiled and took the tie in his hands. “Do you want to get something to eat when we’ve finished everything up?”

“Definitely!” Felix grinned and turned into his fitting room to change into his clothes.

Locus did the same and they gave their tuxedos to the people at the desk to alter and keep for them. Walking out of the store hand in hand was comfortable and Locus smiled watching Felix mull over what to eat.

“What is your favourite colour?” Locus asked after a moment. “You know mine is green, but what’s yours?”

Felix made a face as he considered it. “I dunno. You like to give me orange so I like that. I like reds… yellow’s not bad.”

“I think you’re supposed to pick one… you basically just declared autumn your favourite colour.” Locus snorted.

“Well maybe it is. Autumn’s nice. Not too hot, not too cold, summer’s over… It’s not as muddy as spring… Maybe Autumn just is my favourite colour.” Felix stuck his nose in the air.

“Mm.” Locus chuckled softly and shook his head. “I suppose that works.”

“Or fire. Fire could be my favourite colour.” 

“Now you’re reaching.”

“You’re just mad you didn’t think to have a cool favourite colour instead of green.” 

\---

Pizza was often a little too greasy for Felix. He knew that was him being ‘delicate’ though, and there was something about the teenage experience that was enhanced by sitting a pizza shop trying to get melted cheese under control. At least that’s what teens seemed to do in books and movies. 

“Felix…” Locus began carefully as Felix took a bite of pizza. “I think you should talk to your therapist about your family.”

Felix made a face and worked to chew and swallow his food before responding. “What? Why? You know why I--”

“You’re 18 now. They can’t make you do anything. I think you should talk to someone about it. Someone who can really do something.” Locus picked a piece of sausage off his pizza and shrugged. “It’s a big deal. We both know it is. They can’t help you if you’re dishonest with them.”

“I’m not _dishonest_. I’m just… you know not _fully_ honest. It’s different. Besides it’s… it’s history, right? He’s dead, she may as well be… I don’t have anything to do with them anymore.” Felix wrinkled his nose and took a sip of his drink.

“You know better than most people that’s not how that works.” Locus said firmly. “It can still affect you. It probably is still affecting you.”

“Ugh.” Felix groaned and slumped in his seat. “I wanna be over this. I don’t wanna drag it all back up.”

“It’s just going to fester… I know for a fact the way your mother treated you still affects you. And your uncle--” 

“How do you know? It’s not that big a deal…” Felix tried to turn his attention back to his pizza.

“You said you were hurting about family. You curled up on my lap and declared that nobody loved you. I think you need to talk about it.” Locus reached out to take Felix’s hand. “It’s hurting you.”

“That’s. That doesn’t…” Felix flushed and looked away. “No fair using drunk babbling.”

“Felix.”

“I don’t _want_ to. It would take forever. And how do I start that conversation? ‘Oh by they way my mother was a monster and my uncle was a pedophile?’” Felix clicked his tongue with disgust and shivered a little. 

“It’s your therapist, I think you can probably, actually, open with exactly that.” Locus raised an eyebrow and squeezed Felix’s hand. “I think it would help.”

“Starting therapy for Ross left me all shook up and raw for like… weeks. Months, I don’t know. I don’t wanna be all fucked up about it again. I wanna let it go.” Felix resisted the urge to pull his hand back. He wanted to be mad, but the gesture would end up meaning too much.

“You aren’t letting it go, though. Felix you’re… you’re getting worse.”

“I’m _not_!” Felix sat up abruptly. “I am not. I am eating and… and I have plans and I’m not fighting and I. I’m doing _better_ not worse! I’m being better.” 

“I’m not saying you’re a worse person, Felix. I’m saying… you’ve been sad, and tired, and… a little lost. It needs to come up with someone who can help you deal with it. _Really_ deal with it.” Locus held up a free hand defensively. “I think it would be good… in the long run.”

Felix slumped back in his seat and frowned. “I hate talking about it.” 

He’d barely made himself talk to Locus about any of it, just things Locus had seen and hints and dancing around the issue. He didn’t know if he actually _could_ sit down and talk about it. Even if his therapist wasn’t a stranger anymore… There was so _much_. There were so many years to talk about, and there was no way anyone would take it seriously. 

“Like anyone’s even going to believe I got locked in a closet for years. Or that my mother was someone who like… knowingly send me to my uncle. Parents aren’t like that. Who wouldn’t think I was making it up?” Felix slouched and leaned his chin on the table. 

“Felix…” Locus turned Felix’s hand and ran his fingers over the scars on his palm. “You know you’re not the only person in the world to have awful family?”

“I _know_ , I know… I just… it sounds so stupid.” Felix wrapped his free arm around his face and sighed. “It’s hard enough to say it… what if I fuck something up?”

“Like what?” Locus raised an eyebrow.

“What if… I don’t know it starts trouble with my mother and she stops paying for school?”

“I’d imagine at this point she’s already paid what needs to be paid. We’re getting close to the end.” 

“I don’t want her to find out. I don’t want her to come after me somehow… I wanna be _done_.” 

“Felix, it won’t be done until you’ve dealt with it. Until you get it out of your system.”

“I… I. Fine. _Fine_. I’ll try. But if it goes all fucked up… I don’t know. You owe me supper if it goes all fucked up.” Felix sulked a little and glared at the table. “An’ you’re probably gonna have to deal with me being a fucking mess. Again.”

“We’ll deal with that as it comes. I won’t abandon you to deal with it alone.” Locus squeezed his hand again.

Felix chewed his lip. At least Locus wasn’t offering to come with him, if he had to talk about it all honestly he didn’t want Locus to see it. It was gross and rough and Felix wasn’t a good victim. It would be a little easier if he could talk about being an innocent little thing caught up in the cruelty of the world, but Felix knew it wasn’t that simple. It couldn’t be that simple. Talking about it might leave him having to admit things he didn’t want Locus knowing. He fought Ross for his life, and still people blamed him for it… what would be said for all the times Felix had just given up? He didn’t fight his mother. He didn’t fight his uncle. If it was his fault Ross had drugged him, even through struggle and tears and threats of death what would it mean if he gave up?

He insulted his mother sometimes, yelled and ran away and did things he knew pissed her off. After a while he stopped begging her not to send him to his uncle. He stopped kicking on the door trying to get out eventually. Sometimes he just didn’t bother trying to get away. He could have run away for good. He was more afraid to live on the street than be with his family, what did that say?

Sometimes he provoked an attack, sometimes he just let it happen, sometimes he just gave up. He didn’t want Locus to know all that.

“It’s gonna suck.”

“I’m sorry. I think you have to.”

“Fine.”

\---

“Do you really think I’m getting worse?” Felix stood in his boxers, arms crossed, as they got ready for bed.

“What?” Locus frowned and stepped into his pyjama pants.

“Like… _worse_? I mean… like… fucked up? Am I fucked up? More fucked up?” Felix scowled and leaned from foot to foot. “I’ve been doing the worksheets though? And like. I know I slip up. I’ve been… I mean I fucked up. I know I did. But I thought…”

“Felix, I think there are a lot of ways to be better and worse… you’re better about Ross things?” Locus sat down on the bunk and watched Felix fidget nervously. 

“Is that it? I thought. Fuck I thought I was better about other things. I thought I was like… _better_.” Felix lifted a hand and began chewing his thumbnail. “Like. I only got drunk _once_ this year, right?”

“Felix you shouldn’t be getting drunk _at all_. It’s a bad thing that you felt that you needed it.” 

“But like… like I only needed it a little. Not all the time. And I only fought back one time. And… I mean I’m eating food now! Right. That… I’ve been getting better at that.” Felix held out a hand like he was grasping for something to prove his point.

“Except lately when you pick at your meals? You’re losing weight again.”

“I’m _always_ losing weight. That shouldn’t count as a thing. I just lose weight. I gained weight over summer. So maybe it’s just the school?” Felix slumped his shoulders. “I’m trying though? I mean that should… like it should mean I’m better.”

“Just because you’re doing better doesn’t mean you’re doing _well_.” Locus flinched a little when Felix gave him a hurt look and shook his head. “I mean… you shouldn’t settle for just feeling less awful than you were. You should feel _good_.”

“I am! Sometimes. I mean nobody feels great all the time. And like. What’s even the reference point for good? I get to sleep with you, I get to exercise, I eat, I get air and space and shit like that?”

“I’m pretty sure those are basics. Like all people should have access to those things.”

“All people _don’t_ have access to those things. They’re remarkable things sometimes. So sometimes they get to be good.” Felix looked away with a huff.

“Felix, that’s what I mean. Your perspective is skewed. That’s why you should talk to a professional about it. Things you think of as normal… aren’t.” Locus held out his hands and sighed. “It’s not your fault. It’s not _you_ that’s bad. I just want you to be happier. I want you to want more for yourself.”

“I want plenty though. I want like… you know the bed and TV and decent job and…”

“Felix those are things… they’re fine but. There’s more to it than that.”

“I have you.” Felix sighed and walked over to take Locus’ hands. “I have a future. I have things I want to do. I have friends. I have… I have goals.”

Locus lifted Felix’s hands to his lips and kissed his fingers. “You’re just starting to come to grips with having a life, I think? I want you to want more out of it. I want you to have more.”

Felix shook his head and gave Locus a helpless look. “I don’t know what more you want me to… to _want_. I want a job, I want a nice-ish apartment, I want to live with you, I want that life. What’s wrong with that life?”

“It just seems… small.” Locus shrugged a little and pulled Felix down onto his lap. “There should be more…”

“Maybe there just isn’t?” Felix leaned his head on Locus’ shoulder. “You, the guys, earning a living, living comfortably… that can be enough. At least for now? I want to graduate and stop being in this school. I want to get better at cooking and still have the time and energy to make meals… I wanna watch thunderstorms through balcony windows. I wanna go to the beach this summer and have a fire… I wanna dance with you at prom.”

Locus nodded and kissed Felix’s forehead gently. “Okay… you’re doing better.”

“I’m trying really hard.”

“You’re doing good.”

“I’m really trying.”

“I’m sorry.”


	26. Opening Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Felix talks to his therapist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Felix will be talking about his family this chapter so huge WARNING for talking about child abuse and rape!!

Felix’s therapist was a reasonably nice lady named Patricia. She was pretty patient and sometimes had decent advice. Felix didn’t really _trust_ her but he was willing to put up with it. She either listened to him talk for an hour or asked him questions or gave him projects to work on. They’d been working on continuing the ‘goals’ issue from CBT, which Felix had struggled with.

Struggled seemed like the wrong term, Felix couldn’t really do a whole lot with Charon limiting him, so creating a small series of goals was… a little useless, at least in his opinion. But it had been a big part of therapy. So he did his best to appease Patricia by making up things to be goals. Usually it was therapy worksheets because it was actually helpful to do those.

This appointment was unlikely to be as easy. Felix hunched his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around his legs. He’d had time to plan something to say, but he hadn’t been able to come up with anything. It all sounded… wrong. 

“You seem tense today, Felix…” Patricia’s voice was soft. That was one thing that bothered Felix about her, she had that habit of talking like one wrong word would set him off. He hated being handled so delicately.

Felix tapped his fingers against his leg and sighed. “I promised my boyfriend I’d talk to you about my family.”

Patricia nodded and took out her notepad, “It was important to your boyfriend that you speak about it?”

“He thinks it’s messing me up.” Felix shrugged a little and leaned his head against his knees. “I guess I wasn’t doing great lately.”

“Has something happened?”

“Locus’ family turned out to be basically perfect. Like storybook perfect, all unconditional love and acceptance and shit.” Felix mumbled irritably.

“And it’s not like that in your family? You haven’t really spoken about them before.” 

“There was nothing good to say.” Felix sighed and bounced his forehead off his knees. “Which is why I’m supposed to talk about it. Locus thinks it’ll make it better. Purge it or something, I don’t know. I don’t know how he thinks this works. But I promised, I guess.”

“All right, if you want to. Therapy is all about taking steps you think you’re ready for.”

Felix groaned and let go of his knees so he could shift to cross his legs under him. “It’s fine. Whatever. I dunno starting is fucking stupid so my mom beat me and shit.” He began picking at his cuticles and looking at his hands to keep from seeing her reaction. “Broke my arm last year or whatever. And broke my ribs once. Cracked one of the bones in my face a little. She didn’t want me. She was some heiress or something, but she got knocked up so her parents sent her to the US and here we are. So she didn’t want me and she blames me for shit. So that I guess… happened, or whatever.”

Patricia took notes and hummed thoughtfully when Felix stopped. “Do you mind me asking, why is it you have never spoken about this before?”

“Because… because you all said that if you thought I was in danger as a minor you had the right to tell people shit. I don’t want that shit, I just wanna deal. I go to a boarding school and then I’m gonna have an apartment, intervening would just ruin my life. I don’t need it.” Felix grumbled and took the giant koosh ball to fidget with. “Because I wanted to just forget it. But Locus is all worried about it so I’m talking about it.”

Patricia sighed softly. “So much physical violence in your life must have been very difficult for you to deal with. It’s probably good for you to talk about it.”

Felix rolled his eyes. “I guess. It just kinda was like that all the time. Whatever. I mean she hit me a lot… I didn’t get things, or celebrate things or anything. I had clothes ‘cause otherwise the school woulda noticed, and I guess as a kid I was allowed out of my room more. She put a deadbolt on it when I started sneaking out more. I ran away for like a week or whatever… I tried living on the streets but I couldn’t do it. I knew how to deal with her so that was easier. I knew the rules for at home. She didn’t give me food unless she absolutely had to though. She had like… like a lock? Bolted to the fridge. So I couldn’t steal food or whatever. Locus thinks that’s why I’m still having trouble putting on weight I didn’t eat much most of my life I guess… He got me to start, and I’ve been doing better at that I just… shrink I guess.”

“A lot of people recovering from eating disorders struggle with putting on weight.” 

“Ugh I hate calling it an eating disorder. I wasn’t like… _trying_ to be skinny. I just couldn’t have food.” Felix waved his hand dismissively. “Anyway yeah that was life I guess. Going to school, coming home and she’d lock me in my room and I had a futon mat and a bucket… after she put the deadbolt in I think maybe… I think that’s when the bucket happened, I was allowed to go to the bathroom before I ran away. But yeah that’s… part of it. I guess. That’s my mother. Sorta. I mean I was still sorta locked in the room but it was like ‘cause if I came out she’d hit me… I dunno that’s just how it was.”

“She didn’t let you go to the bathroom?”

“No she gave me a bucket. Like I said. After I ran away she didn’t want to risk it anymore.” Felix shook his head. “Maybe the deadbolt was earlier though… I can’t remember now. I couldn’t get out for a lot… I spent a lot of summers locked up. I remember being really dehydrated a lot… but maybe I was just scared to go out. If I annoyed her or reminded her I existed too much she’d send me to stay with my uncle. And I don’t know… that was worse mostly. I mean on the surface I got food when I stayed with my uncle, but it was worse.”

“Why was your uncle worse?”

Felix pulled and squished the koosh ball in his hands and swallowed thickly. If he hadn’t promised Locus… This was so bullshit. There was no way any of this was going to be helpful. “Well he was-- he died? Like when I was 15. Or maybe I just turned 16. I can’t remember I guess it was right around my birthday sometime. But he got in a car accident and died.” Felix was wasting time and he knew it. “He was… was a pedophile I guess. I mean I was 8… the first time. So pedophile. And shit. And it happened all the time when I got sent to see him. But I was too scared to run. And it got all screwed up in my head sometimes. Like right ‘cause it’s awful and it’s fucked up… but like when I was little it was the closest anyone came to being really nice to me? I mean he _wasn’t_ being nice. It wasn’t real nice it was _bullshit_. But nobody was going to call me a good boy or do nice things for me. He gave me food. He… he brought me out for ice cream every time. Like a reward or an apology or both I don’t know. I can’t barely look at ice cream without getting sick. And I hated him a lot. I hate him so much. But I got so confused right? Right as a kid. I was so little and it was my mom who hit me and said I belonged in the garbage, and my uncle… and my uncle did these awful things and I felt so sick and scared and I never wanted to go but my uncle would give me some soup and say nice things and sometimes he took me to the park? It’s worse ‘cause there’s so much that doesn’t make sense and it screws me up and I didn’t want it at all I was a little kid I didn’t want it.”

“Felix. I know you didn’t want it. You were too young to consent to having sex. And even if you weren’t I believe you, you didn’t want it.”

“Sometimes I got to thinking that was the trade. Like I had to do that if I wanted someone to be nice to me. I started having sex like… like other sex. Not that sex… I started when I was like… like 13? I might’ve been 12. I was really little. I thought… I got so confused like that was how to get people to be nice to me. I already knew how it went. And people were kind of nice? I just… you know it’s just so much stuff. And it’s so dumb. And he’s dead, right? So it shouldn’t matter. But sometimes I still think I have to see him. Sometimes I still think he’s there and sometimes it’s a mess. It’s so stupid…”

“Felix it’s not. Your feelings are valid. Children who experience sexual abuse learn to associate sex with all sort of things. It’s not your fault that the only memories you have of someone being nice to you as a child were tied in with trauma. It doesn’t make the trauma less real.”

“Everybody… last year, when Ross… everybody wanted to say it was my fault. I’m a slut and it’s my fault and I fought Ross with everything I was. And I didn’t want it but if I let my uncle do what he wanted he would be nice to me. How is that--”

“Felix it isn’t your fault. You are not to blame because your uncle took advantage of you and abused you. Neither was Ross. None of it is your fault. The adults in your life should not have treated you the way that they did. You’re not to blame for your mother’s temper or anything that went wrong with her. What she did to you was beyond wrong, you could not have done anything to deserve that.”

“I’d egg her on sometimes. I’d get mad or fucked up and I’d say something or be loud or something. I knew she would hit me but sometimes I didn’t care.”

“That’s not your fault.”

“ _How_ is it not my fault? I knew what would happen and I did it anyway. I pissed her off and I said dumb shit and… How’s that not my fault?”

“Because no matter what she shouldn’t have hit you. None of that is a reason to hit you, Felix. It’s not your fault that she did these things. It’s not your fault.”

Felix took a shaking breath and looked away. “Whatever anyway that’s the shit I promised I’d say. I don’t wanna talk anymore.”

“Okay… We’ll work on this, though…”

“Sure.” 

\---

Felix returned from therapy looking defeated and empty, and Locus worried that he’d made the wrong call convincing Felix to talk about things. Felix changed into sweatpants and the orange striped hoodie and collapsed onto the bunk. 

Locus sat down beside him and stroked his hair gently. “Are you alright?”

“No.” Felix mumbled into the bedding before rolling over to curl up at Locus’ side. “Probably… eventually. I just feel all shitty and whatever.”

“Do you want anything? I could get you something to eat…” Locus offered gently, pulling Felix into his arms.

“No. I just wanna sit. Or lie down. Lie down with me? Maybe we can watch something dumb? I don’t wanna think about things.” Felix sighed and nuzzled his face against Locus’ shoulder.

“Okay. We’ll lie down and watch something dumb.” Locus got up to grab his laptop and climbed into the bunk so Felix could curl up at his side. They ended up watching a playlist of people trying different kinds of food on youtube and Locus squeezed Felix any time he started shaking. 

“She said we’ll work through it. But it feels awful right now.” Felix sighed against Locus’ neck. “I told you everything would get raw.”

“I’m sorry. I think it will help.” Locus kissed the top of Felix’s head gently.

Felix was quiet for a long moment. “Thank you for being the real sort of nice to me.”

“Of course…” Locus rubbed his fingers over the hair at the back of Felix’s neck.

“You act like it’s normal and it’s nothing but it’s not. It’s important.” Felix huffed softly. “It means a lot to me.”

“I love you Felix. You deserve people treating you kindly.” 

“I love you too, but I don’t. Not everyone deserves kindness… but it’s special that you decided I deserved it. So yeah… I love you. And you’re good.”

“I’m kind of an asshole.”

Felix snorted a little. “Only to Zachary.”

“To multiple people, but possibly especially Zachary…”

“But not to me.”

“I’ve been an exceptional asshole to you multiple times.”

“Shhh, no you’re good and do good things.”

Locus laughed softly and shifted so he could kiss Felix gently. “You do a number of good things yourself, you know that?”

“Naahh…” 

“You support my studies, helped me meet my family, you helped me a lot when I’d been stabbed, you make sure I feel special and loved.” Locus smiled a little and kissed the tip of Felix’s nose.

“Sap. Of course I did that.”

Locus raised an eyebrow and Felix laughed and pressed his hands against Locus’ face.

“We’ll get through this.” Locus promised and took Felix’s hands in his and kissed each of them. “I’ll be with you through all of it.”

“Okay…” Felix sighed. “Okay.”


	27. Dressed Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nonsense and planning

Felix settled his hands on his hips and wondered for a brief moment what he would do if it wasn’t Locus walking in the door. Or if Locus was with someone. Or any number of situations where he’d have to explain the red minidress to a complete stranger. Perhaps not his best plan.

At least in general Locus didn’t travel the school with strangers so while he _did_ hear Anthony make a strangled noise somewhere behind his boyfriend as he entered the room… well he’d deal with that when it came up at lunch tomorrow. If it came up at lunch. Anthony had extreme faith in Felix’s ability to be bizarre, this could pretty easily be a write-off.

“What…” Locus looked dumbfounded, but Felix could tell he was starting to blush so he was counting it as a win.

“Well you didn’t seem uninterested in the idea.” Felix smirked a bit and walked on his toes over to Locus. “I thought you might appreciate a gift…”

Locus gave a nervous half chuckle and pressed his lips gently to Felix’s. “I was right… you definitely don’t look bad.”

Felix grinned brightly and softly bit Locus’ bottom lip. “I was hoping you’d feel that way.”

Locus’ hands drifted down Felix’s waist to rest at his hips as he leaned in to kiss Felix deeply. “You’re deeply strange, you do know that?”

“I’ve been told a time or two.” Felix laughed as Locus picked him up and set him on the bed. Locus’ fingers trailed down his thighs and pushed up under the skirt.

Locus sucked a kiss behind Felix’s ear drawing out a soft moan as he stroked Felix’s legs gently. “Did you really shave for this?”

“Well I figured I should go all the way…” Felix smiled playfully and leaned back to run his foot up Locus’ side. “It’s a pain in the ass though, so don’t expect it often.”

Locus hummed in acknowledgement and leaned back so he could trail kisses up Felix’s leg. Shaving had left his legs oddly sensitive and Felix gasped softly for each brush of Locus’ lips. 

“S-seriously don’t get a kink. It’s a hassle.” He laughed and squirmed as Locus nipped lightly at his inner thigh. He bit back a groan as Locus pushed up his skirt and kissed him lightly through his underwear. “Fuck.”

\---

“You may have scarred Anthony for life.” Locus laughed softly as Felix sprawled over his chest.

“Anthony’s a big boy, he’ll get over it.” Felix snickered breathlessly. “It was worth it.”

“I suppose that’s true enough.” Locus kissed Felix softly and smiled warmly. “Where did you even get a dress?”

“From the store?” Felix shrugged a little. “I’m small, I can just wear one off the rack. I mean it was weird for the clerks probably but whatever they’ll have great stories to tell later.”

“You actually went into a store and tried on dresses for this?” Locus’ eyebrows raised making Felix laugh.

“Yup. It was pretty fun. It’s kind of tempting to get more, but seriously shaving was… It’s a good thing I wake up before everyone else and can take up a shower stall for like half an hour. I have no idea how the girls put up with that shit.” Felix rolled his eyes. 

“I’m sure you could just ask them.” Locus smirked a little and Felix groaned and covered Locus’ face with his hands.

“I told you not to get a kink.” Felix laughed as Locus pulled his hands away. “It’s a _pain_.”

“I suppose you get to decide that.” Locus smiled and kissed the palm of Felix’s hand. “I didn’t mind the smooth, though.”

“Tough shit.” Felix stuck out his tongue. “Maybe after we graduate and I’m less likely to get caught and beat up in the showers for it.”

Locus winced a little. “Forgot that part…”

“Mmm.” Felix gave Locus a smug look and settled himself comfortably on Locus’ chest. “This place ruins almost everything.”

“Almost?” 

“Well I met _you_ here. So I mean… that makes up for a lot.” Felix reached to boop Locus’ nose with a playful look. 

“Mmm… put it that way it’s not all bad.” Locus snorted and reached to stroke Felix’s hair. The undercut was freshly buzzed too and it felt nice.

“All seriousness you’re the best thing to ever happen to me.” Felix frowned a little and looked down. “I know I can’t just make up for what I did, but I’ll keep working on it, okay? You don’t have to forgive me, but I’ll keep working to earn it.”

Locus sighed and let the moment sit for a moment, just the rasp of his fingers on Felix’s hair keeping the room from silence. “I want to forgive you. I want to wipe it all clean. But it still hurts… you do your best, _usually_ , to be honest with me. I want to be honest with you.”

“I think honesty is the only way to make things right. I don’t want to give you excuses or bullshit or dishonesty. I fucked up. And I will work on it. On everything.” Felix sighed. “And I _don’t_ lie to you.”

“You withhold the truth.” Locus raised an eyebrow and smirked a little.

“Okay a) that is totally not the same thing as lying. And 2) so do _you_. All the time. Jerk.” Felix stuck out his tongue.

“I’m working on that. Emotional honesty… I’m a little bad at being emotionally honest with _myself_.” Locus gave a sheepish shrug.

“Well. I mean plus there’s just… stuff you can’t say. Either it’s too hard or it doesn’t matter or both. Like… you know plenty of shit about my life without my needing to talk about it.” Felix wobbled his head back and forth. “There are some times when honesty doesn’t help anybody.”

“I still want you to tell me when you’re hurting. I want you to let me help.” Locus frowned a little.

“But like that’s… that’s kind of all the time. It’s like when a bruise stops hurting until you think about it. It’s still _there_ but you get used to it kinda? Like… god what was it they said in science? Like your body accepts that there’s pain there and it becomes unnecessary information?” Felix rolled his eyes. “I can’t bring it up all the time that’s just stupid. I just work on it.”

“You don’t have to work on it alone.”

“Well… I do and don’t. You’re already helping by being there. And my therapist and my worksheets. But _I_ need to deal with it. It’s in my head. And you… _you_ aren’t responsible for me or my damage.” Felix made a face. “So _I_ have to work on it. I’ll just try to like… let you know if I think I need a hand with it.”

“I suppose that’s all I can ask. Just trust me to help when you need it.” 

“Same for you. Don’t go thinking ‘oh Felix is broken I can’t tell him I’m sad’ or whatever bullshit. If I’m leaning on you, you’re leaning on me. Understood?” Felix raised an eyebrow and scowled.

“Understood.”

“And that means you know… even when it’s me. I hurt you. I don’t wanna do that anymore, so tell me.” Felix relaxed back against Locus’ chest. “I want this to work. I want it to work for a long time. Really work, not both of us pretending while everything falls apart, right?”

“Right. We’ll work on that. Honesty.” Locus smiled a little and went back to stroking Felix’s hair. 

\---

“You’re seriously still not talking to me?” Zachary’s head rolled back with a disgusted groan. “This is so stupid!”

“What we did was stupid. Locus would rather I didn’t talk to you, sorry he’s more important to me.” Felix tilted his head and rolled his eyes. 

“God that’s so creepy possessive. How many people does he tell you not to talk to?”

“You mostly. Since you’re the one I made out with while I was drunk.” Felix shrugged dismissively. “Aren’t you friends with like half the school? Get over it.”

“Yeah but I sit next to _you_ in Creative Writing.” Zachary slumped in his chair dramatically. “It’s boring not being able to talk to you.”

“Well sorry that’s just how shit goes.” Felix flipped open his book and found the section they were supposed to have read for today’s class. Usually he could skim it while things got started.

“I thought Locus was cool. And it was mutual making out, it’s not all my fault. And _I’m_ the one that gets pushed into the wall.” 

“Locus is cool, he’s just not cool with you.” Felix didn’t look up from his book. “And the mutual making out is why it’s a problem. I hurt my boyfriend by mutually making out with you, so he’s more comfortable with me distancing myself from you.”

“Ugh. I can’t even say bros before hos or whatever…”

“Especially since we’re the hos?” Felix smirked a little then shook his head. “Shut up stop talking to me.”

“Us hos should stick together.” Zachary flicked a paper hornet at Felix, but without an elastic it didn’t have much force.

“I like my boyfriend more than you.” Felix flipped the page. “So nah.”

“Bitch.” Zachary said without much bite and turned back to his books with a dramatic sigh.

In truth Felix did miss having Zachary as a friend. He’d been supportive when Locus had been hurt, understanding when Felix hadn’t wanted to have sex, and fun when Felix just wanted to be mindless. He wasn’t an essential friend, and Felix probably wouldn’t have stayed in close touch after graduation, but it was true that it was boring not being able to talk to Zachary. In the grand scheme of things though it was more important to make things right with Locus. Zachary had other friends, and a whole life detached from their group. Felix wasn’t a big loss to Zachary, just an inconvenience…

It did kind of suck though. 

\---

“Okay so we have dishes, cutlery, some glasses, salt and pepper shakers, cream and sugar containers, a doormat and kitchen tool shit.” Felix chewed at the end of his pen as he looked at all the supplies he’d dug out into the middle of the room.

“So we do.” Locus replied dryly from his chair and the little bit of space he’d been allowed.

“So what do we need? Sheets I guess? I mean duh we need a bed but we need somewhere to put a bed first.” Felix tapped his foot and finished writing everything out on a notepad. “We have our totally allowed and not at all illegal coffee maker.”

“Illegal makes it sound worse than it is. I don’t think they care we have a coffee maker.” Locus raised an eyebrow.

“Okay, okay. So… blender? I guess? Are those necessary?” Felix gave one last look through their supplies before starting to slide them back out of the way. “Pots and pans! We need pots and pans. Do apartments come with shit like fridges?”

“I think they typically do. I can ask Jennifer.” 

“Right! Totally! Ask her that!” Felix pointed at Locus with a grin.

“How about we figure out a few questions to ask her so I’m not flooding her with emails?” Locus snorted and watched Felix pop to his feet and write something on his notepad. “We’ll probably need shelves?”

“Right, right. That goes on the ‘when we have a place’ list. Since we can’t store them here.” Felix nodded and scribbled it down as he paced. “Same with like… a sofa? And all that shit. If we have a living room.”

“ _If_ we have a living room?” Locus gave Felix a curious look.

“Right, right. I mean just like… there’s a possibility we’d live in a bachelor suite for a little while? I dunno I mean we’ll aim for better but… possibilities.” Felix bobbed his head side to side thoughtfully. “TV’s also on the list. Microwave? Add microwave to the things to ask Jennifer about.”

Locus sighed and opened his laptop to begin constructing an email. “We’ll probably need a table to eat off of. And chairs to go with that.”

“Right! Definitely those. And like… I guess lighting? Like lamps and shit?” Felix made a face and tapped his notebook. “There’s a lot of shit we can’t buy right now, we gotta wait…”

“I see us having to sleep on the floor for some time as we try and get things sorted.” Locus said dryly.

“Eh, it’s not that bad.” Felix shrugged. “There’s so much shit in moving. We need to get a car like asap. Or we are not getting any of this stuff to our new home.” 

“This is going to be very expensive.”

“Well that’s why we’re budgeting. We figure out what we need to move in some place, and how much your school costs and all that shit and then we see what we have. We still have a bunch, we just gotta be careful so we can still afford school.” Felix gestured with his notepad as he spoke.

“Jennifer also says most apartments don’t let you rentunless they know you have a steady job and income…” Locus pointed out.

“Well… okay maybe we spend a little time at a hotel, then? While I get a job? Like I can take the first one offered and if it’s super shit I can keep looking for something better. So long as I have a job at first, right?” Felix made a face and jotted down a note. “Maybe I should start giving out my resume before school ends?”

“Maybe I should get a job too? Work while I’m going to college? A lot of people do that…” Locus scratched his chin thoughtfully.

“Nah. You’re gonna get all wrapped up in school. It’s cool. I’ll figure it out.” Felix flapped his notepad at Locus dismissively. “Oh! But maybe you can get grants and shit! Scholarships or whatever? There are things that are supposed to help support students, right?”

“Grants, scholarships, bursaries… I can go through all of them to see if we can get some support through them.” Locus nodded.

“Yeah I mean with your grades you’ll probably be applicable for that shit, right? Those are rewards for being a great student.” Felix flopped back onto his bunk and flipped through his notepad. “‘Cause we’re also gonna need money to set up phones, internet, cable, insurance, electricity, water, food and like… so much shit.”

“You’ll probably start gaining weight again when you can eat real food.” Locus added thoughtfully. “You’ll probably need new clothes.”

“Ugh.” Felix sighed heavily. “I mean I want to but still, ugh. More things to worry about. Like gym memberships. We’ll have to pay for that, too. God there is so much expensive shit in the real world.”

Locus sighed heavily and nodded. “Jennifer’s done this, and she said she’d offer advice. I can ask her… and about paying for college. She did that too.”

“True.” Felix flipped through his notepad again. “Maybe my mom’ll die and the government will accidentally notify me as next of kin instead of my grandparents?”

“Felix.” Locus said with mild disapproval. 

“Maybe my grandparents are dead too? Man I never met them. I could be next of kin. Wouldn’t that just shit in their ghostly cheerios? It comes to me by default?” Felix laughed. “I mean I think they have another kid… Like I got another uncle somewhere… Which counts more? Sibling or child?”

“I think what counts is who is named beneficiary.” Locus shook his head. “You have another uncle?”

“Well yeah someone’s gotta inherit grandpa’s company now Child 1 and Child 2 have proven to be complete failures as human beings.” Felix shrugged. “He’s probably pretty young though. I think it’s a he… I dunno shit about him. My family has _politics_ , and being the unwanted bastard means none of it is my problem.”

“Anymore.” 

“Anymore, right it used to be my problem a lot. I really should just legally change my name or whatever… What do you think?”

“If you wait a few years you can change it to Cardinal--” Felix hit Locus with a pillow.


	28. Explosion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finals are coming and medication... happens

Technically Felix understood he was going to lose Locus to finals. Locus always disappeared into finals, that’s just how it went. He _knew_ it was coming, and if last semester was anything to go by Felix was lucky Locus had spent as much time with him as he did. The fact that Locus, despite still doing homework and organising his notes all semester, didn’t disappear into a textbook until a month before finals was impressive really.

It sucked though. The first week he barely got three words out of Locus, the rest he was absorbed in his textbooks until long after Felix ran out of steam and fell asleep. He did his best to help, he turned on the coffee in the morning and brought Locus meals when he forgot. He did his best to be quiet or absent…

It sucked.

Felix tried doing his own homework, doing therapy worksheets, playing games and watching movies with headphones in… It didn’t take the itch of everything away. Things had been better, even with Felix’s mistake hanging over his head it had been… He knew he couldn’t have Locus all the time. He _knew_ that. He didn’t even really want that. Too much would be too much. But even though they were in the same room Felix was at most a distraction and mostly invisible. He didn’t know if Locus was even aware he did it. He hoped he wasn’t. At least if Locus didn’t know it was happening he wasn’t hurting Felix on purpose.

It still felt like there was such a brief period of affection and attention, between multiple extended periods of cold isolation. Locus used studying to build walls between himself and Felix and even if _right now_ that wasn’t the case, Felix was too used to feeling like was. 

Locus gave him chaste kisses in the morning and brief greetings in the evening and sank thoroughly into books. Felix didn’t know if he _could_ last the month. There wasn’t a promise of it going away. Locus would study until finals, and then they would graduate and then Felix would need to get a job if they were going to survive. He was sure that during the summer he could squeeze bits of time out of Locus, summer was always the best with Locus. Summer Locus had time for Felix. 

Felix just wished Locus could have time for him when there were other things going on. It was one thing to love Felix when they were alone, surrounded only with each other and time. It was glorious and perfect and Felix clung to it, but it just… couldn’t work if Felix _always_ came second every other time. It was starting to feel like there was always something else that was more important going on in Locus’ life… And Felix did know he couldn’t _always_ be most important… but it would be nice if he was important more often than brief periods where Locus felt guilty about it.

He didn’t really know what to do about it though...

Halfway through the second week Felix ran out of patience and deposited himself on Locus’ lap, draping his arms over Locus’ shoulders.

“What are you doing?” Locus frowned and Felix leaned in to kiss him.

“Breaktime.” He mumbled against Locus’ lips and kissed him again and again.

“Felix…” Locus’ voice was almost a whine as he pulled back, Felix followed for a moment then turned his attention to kissing Locus’ neck.

“You work too hard.” Felix let his hands run over Locus’ shoulders until he could cup Locus’ chest. “Take a break.”

“I’m right in the middle of-- Ahh!” Locus gasped as Felix bit down lightly at the base of his neck, then pressed a kiss to the same spot. 

“I miss you.” Felix murmured against Locus’ skin as he slowly unbuttoned Locus’ shirt. “You’ll still be in the middle of whatever later…”

“You’re a bad influence.” Locus laughed breathlessly and began pushing his hands up under Felix’s shirt.

\---

Felix’s meeting with Dr Grey had been… annoying more than surprising. He’d been bracing for the idea since Phyllis pitched depression as a possibility. Dr Grey’s overwhelmingly intense personality didn’t ease the blow. She gave him a lot of information and a lot of numbers and a lot of warnings and it all seemed a lot like… nonsense. Phyllis had told him to be open, and he did his best to be honest with Dr Grey. If anyone was going to know how to make his brain work again it was going to be her, right? She had so many degrees or doctorates or whatever hanging on her walls that it seemed reasonable to assume she knew what she was talking about?

It seemed like diagnosis was a wishy-washy business, though. Things were probably this, or linked to that, or such-and-such indicates a something-or-other… And things continued to be weird ‘because of his age.’ Which was getting frustrating. But when he mentioned things she decided were ‘self destructive’ she decided it might be best to try some medication. She was very stern about this idea that he might get more suicidal or self destructive thoughts and if he did he was supposed to contact someone immediately. Which seemed great, just what he looked for in pills for depression. 

He considered not telling Locus, it would be easy after all Locus was so consumed with school work these days Felix could easily take a pill without Locus noticing. It took him the whole week after talking to Dr Grey to feel like bringing it up with Locus. It had seemed like if the medication handled it then great no problem, and if it didn’t then whatever they’d talk about it after? But Locus didn’t notice any of it on his own. Felix wasn’t expecting him to but… Felix hated this feeling, like he wasn’t as important. Which wasn’t fair Locus’ grades would affect his entire life, so of course they were more important. Most of the time. Did books need _all_ of Locus’ time? Locus let himself be distracted here and there if Felix pushed, but his mind never completely wandered away from the books. Cuddling in bed was brief and Felix was still a little tingly when Locus got up to go back to his desk. Felix realised once that Locus timed curling up together, like he could afford exactly an hour to give Felix a little affection and that was it. 

Realistically Felix knew there was a really good chance of this getting worse when it came to college. Wasn’t that the joke? College students so stressed and overworked they didn’t have time for anything else? That image had replaced the ‘college means parties’ image that had existed for decades beforehand. There was nothing Felix could really _do_ about it except take his little moments where he could. So… 

“So Dr Grey thinks I have depression.” Felix felt like the weight of the statement would be lessened if he was sprawled upside down off the bed, so that’s how he opted to deliver it.

“Mm.” Locus made an acknowledging noise and didn’t turn around for a moment. In that time Felix felt briefly, irrationally, angry, but Locus twisted in his chair to look at him finally and it faded. “Officially?”

“I guess as officially as it probably gets?” Felix let his arms sprawl across the floor and sighed. “It’s linked to PTSD, but it could be its own thing, or linked to me being a spectacularly fucked up person.”

“Depression wouldn’t make you a fucked up person.” Locus tilted his head to try and make better eye contact as Felix slid more and more onto the floor.

“Everything _else_ does though. I forgot I signed a form so my therapist could share information with Dr Grey. It’d seemed handy at the time, everyone keeping up with each other…” Felix stuck out his tongue. “Now my file officially has me as crazy since childhood.”

“Did she have more advice for that?” Locus winced a little. “Not… just, for your childhood?”

“Dr Grey mostly works in medications and seeing that sorta shit? She offers suggestions, but not really like… therapies. That’s Patricia. Patricia has all the ‘breathe’ and ‘be mindful of the moment’ and ‘write down your stresses and tear them up.’” Felix gestured from the floor, hands waving back and forth. “Dr Grey gave me a bottle of pills and warned me that my brain might try to kill me if I’m not careful.”

“She… wait, what? How would your brain kill you?” Locus frowned and turned his chair to look at Felix properly.

“I dunno I guess antidepressants make people suicidal sometimes? It seems like kinda a bullshit side effect, right?” Felix finally dropped all the way to the floor, with just his feet still on the bed. “Also I guess I’ll feel side effects before I notice it actually doing anything good. So like sleep less, have a weird appetite, more headaches… those they can do right away. So great.”

Locus scowled thoughtfully. “You haven’t been sleeping well lately, is that..?”

“Yeah I started taking them, they’re great. I feel like… I dunno skittish? Jumpy. But not like in the scared way just like… ‘Hey great let’s think all the thoughts’ and then I can’t sleep.” Felix kicked his legs idly. “I mean I don’t feel that tired though so that’s a bonus? Maybe that’s the pills kicking in, everyone was like ‘oh you’re tired that’s a sign’ right so maybe being not tired means it’s working?”

“I’m… not sure they’re supposed to work like that?” 

“What do you know? You’re not depressed. Or a doctor. Or whatever. Why are you an expert on antidepressants?” Felix stuck his tongue out at Locus.

“Well, I suppose I don’t know, but it seems like it shouldn’t make you jumpy and nervous…” Locus shrugged.

“I’m not _nervous_ , I’m just like… normal me but fidgety. I thought it would do more about the whole like… kinda feeling sad thing?” Felix pouted a little. “Now it’s like I’m energetically sad. Aggressively sad. Sad with gusto. And also thinking about shit I don’t wanna ‘cause you told me to talk to my therapist about the gross stuff when I was a kid.”

“I think you really needed to get that on the table…” Locus flinched a little.

Felix sighed heavily and scrubbed his face with his hands. “And I told you it would make everything all raw and gross and shit. So I warned you. Now I’m all raw and thinking about it and shit.”

“Felix…”

“ _What_ do you want from me? ‘Talk to me about things.’ Except you’re so busy you didn’t even notice I’ve been taking pills like a week. An’ you give me heck for interrupting you. And now here, there are gross consequences of things you made me promise to do.” Felix growled with frustration and twisted to get to his feet. “I _said_ it would fuck me up. I _said_ we’d have to deal with it. I said _you’d_ have to deal with it. And now ‘sorry I’ve got six hours of studying and not looking at you to do.’ Yeah we’re dealing with it.”

Locus looked taken aback and seemed to scramble for words. “Felix I didn’t mean--”

“You never do! You always mean good things and you always try to be good people or whatever but. But I said ‘hey this is going to fuck me up’ and you just right away went back to ignoring me! You never think of it or do it on purpose. Or no wait you totally did it on purpose before when I was too much to deal with and I _told you_! I told you this would happen.”

“Felix, I’m sorry. I should’ve--”

“You keep saying that. Like it’s. You have this epiphany that you’re too lost in your own world, and then you apologise and then you fucking go right back to being in your own fucking world! I get like a week where you feel like I guess ‘well I better make it up to him.’ and then you get bored with it. And you get bored with me.” Felix began pulling at his hair and talking faster. “Well this time I _told_ you. I told you it would happen. I told you I’d need help and you said your shit-- your ‘we’ll make it through together’ bullshit. And like immediately after you’re _way_ too busy to deal with the fallout of the _thing you made me do_! ‘Talk to your therapist about it’ you said ‘it’s the only way to deal with it’ you said. And you held me and you said you’d be there and you promised to help me and then you got _bored_ with me? I get it I’m a fucking hassle! I’m broken and fucked up and a fucking disaster of a human being but you _promised_.” 

“Felix I’m not bored with you. I’m sorry. I… I got caught up in school work, but you’re right. I promised I would be there for you. I didn’t realise you were--”

“I _told_ you. I told you dealing with it would be hard. _I_ wanted to ignore it. I wanted to let it go. You said to deal with it and you left me to handle it alone.” Felix slowly released his hair and shook himself. “I _know_ school is important to you. But I thought I was important too. And I’m really fucking tired of being treated like I’m just annoying.”

“I’m sorry.” Locus pushed up from his chair and held his hands out. “What do you need?”

“I need this to not be an hour’s peace while you’re thinking about the homework you want to be doing instead! I need you to actually be here! I need you to actually fucking follow through when you promise you’ll be _here_. Because you keep _doing_ this. You make a big statement and you show a big effort and for like a week or two we get to cuddle and play nice and things feel all better. And I get all comfortable and I think you know ‘maybe he means it this time’ right? And I think I’m feeling better and stable and then you jerk the rug out from under me. And you’re gone again. And I think ‘no it’s okay he’ll come back on his own this time’ and I wait and sometimes I get your attention here or there… But you don’t come back this time. Over and over and over. You can’t just make big sweeping gestures like it’s a fucking movie and then piss off. Do you love me or don’t you? Are you my boyfriend or am I just occasionally convenient? You can’t say you love me in a big fucking _moment_ and then act like I don’t exist 90% of the time! You can’t do this. I can’t _take_ this anymore.” Felix covered his face with his hands and gasped for breath. “I _need_ you, Locus. _Please_ stop doing this to me. I can’t do this. _Please_?”

\---

Locus watched Felix gasp painfully for breath and reached out to gently put his hands on Felix’s arms, he wasn’t sure if Felix would be able to handle more just yet. He hated that Felix was right about this, and wished it was easier to balance. School meant so much, but so did Felix, there needed to be a balance. He _had_ set Felix off on a track that was going to hurt him and then he’d gotten wrapped up in school. He got so wrapped up in school so easily… He should have known it was still an issue just because Felix was being quiet about it.

“I need to be better. I get lost in my own head and I need to be better.” Locus squeezed Felix’s arms lightly.

“You said that last time! You say that and like ‘I’m going to be a better boyfriend’ and then it’s ‘except I need to do more schoolwork that is even reasonably necessary’ or whatever. No one needs to do six hours of homework every night! You’re smart you get it you’re fine! Your grades are beyond perfect! You make yourself extra work so you don’t have to talk to me!” Felix’s voice was cracking with emotion.

“I’m not avoiding you I’m… I’m stupid. I feel like I’m failing. I always feel like I’m failing. I get terrified, I feel like if I’m not working I’m… a disappointment. I have to stretch and give myself excuses to let myself step away from the desk without just worrying about it. I’m sure if I’m not working I’m failing.” Locus looked down and took a deep breath. “Instead I’m failing you. I don’t know how to balance it. It feels like I’m losing no matter what I do. It’s not… It’s not about you. Maybe I’m a little broken, too. I’m sorry.”

Felix went a little lip and let his head fall against Locus’ chest with a heavy sigh. “I need you. I’m having nightmares every night. I can’t sleep. I’m not scared, I’m not tired… I just feel sick. I feel so sick all the time now. I know I can’t need you all the time. I _know_ that. But I need you right now. I need you more often. I _know_ you’re busy but you- y-you _told_ me to. To bring it up. To talk about it and let it be real again so I could _deal_ with it. And now it’s _real_ and it’s here and it’s so much. So please give me more time? I need you.”

Slowly Locus wrapped his arms around Felix and felt him tremble and gasp for air. “I’m here. Right now I’m here. Whenever I’m not here… just. Just pull my hair when you need me to be here.”

Felix struggled to reach around Locus’ chest and tug lightly on Locus’ braid. 

“Okay.” Locus nodded and gripped Felix tight. “Okay. I’m here.”

\---

Felix curled up in Locus’ arms in their bed, shivering as he tried to get his nerves in order. He hadn’t intended to explode like that. He knew sort of where it had come from, but it had come up so quickly and so intensely. So suddenly he was angry, hurt, scared, angry again, then hopeless. Flickering through emotions so fast he didn’t have time to get a handle on them. He pressed his face against Locus’ chest and tried to make himself settle. 

“Are you okay? Do you need me to get anything for you?” Locus stroked his hair and Felix sighed.

“No just you.” Felix chewed his lip. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to… I get overwhelmed. I know studying is important. I want you to do well.”

“I don’t need to study as much as I do.” Locus’ heartbeat was so steady in Felix’s ears. He felt like his own was beating so fast. “I think… maybe we’ll schedule it? So I can convince myself it’s okay. I like being with you, it makes me feel like I’m slacking off. I need… something.”

“Maybe I can have your Saturdays?” Felix closed his eyes and tried to breathe steady so his heart would settle down. 

“Okay. You can have my Saturdays.” Locus agreed quietly. “I won’t study on Saturdays, we’ll do something nice.”

“And I can pull your braid when I need you to… I don’t know something.” Felix nuzzled Locus’ chest gently. “When it gets bad.”

“When it gets bad come to me. If you can’t say it just pull my braid and I’ll know what it means.” Locus pressed a kiss to the top of Felix’s head. “Hopefully you can talk to me about it, though?”

“I don’t wanna.” Felix huffed and shook his head. “It’s bad and gross and I don’t want you to know.”

“Felix I already know what… a lot of what they did to you…” 

“You _don’t_. It all it seems so _simple_ on the surface. So definable. I haven’t _told_ you anything. You saw things. You know some things. You don’t know… don’t know I tried to live on the street once. I was little and thought I was tough and that I knew how bad it could get. And I got scared and I ran home. I coulda got out, I coulda really run away but I didn’t. I couldn’t talk to anyone in playschool, you know? My first people outside of family and I couldn’t understand a word they said, and they didn’t understand me. I was like… like what 4? However old. I didn’t know any fucking English. It took me like… forever to learn English like the other kids an’ then forever more after that to get rid of the fucking accent. Because kids are fucking _awful_. If I fucking had a French accent... “ Felix hissed through his teeth and pulled at his hair until Locus took his hands away. “By the time I knew how to talk to people I gave up on them listening. I coulda said something for years. I didn’t have a plan when I was little I coulda said something. You know what _he’d_ say? He’d say I’d get in trouble if I told. You know think of how angry my mother would be if I told? _He_ knew it was wrong. But you know what? You know what else he said? He said ‘you’re a good boy’ and ‘you’re so beautiful’ and sometimes-- sometimes he said I was made for him. Like there was an actual good point to me existing? Someone actually liked me. Mother didn’t like me, the other kids didn’t like me, the teachers didn’t like me. _He_ liked me though. Right? And I didn’t wanna go I said and said but mother got so mad and _she’d_ say over and over that I was made to punish her.”

“Felix… I’m sorry.” Locus ran a hand up and down Felix’s back. “I’m sorry.’

“I don’t want to tell you this.” Felix pressed his face against Locus’ chest until he could barely breathe. “I don’t want you to know this. I’m not this. Don’t see me like that. I’m not… W-we should. Prom’s coming up. It’s pretty soon. We should. Should. I don’t know. Obviously you need to take prom off too, you got a tux we need to go to prom.”

“I will take prom off and go to prom with you. And I promise not to think about homework the whole time.” 

“Good. Good… We should dance on the roof sometime.”

“I don’t think _that_ would be a good idea, but we’ll definitely dance.”

“And you have to come to the after party.” Felix squirmed a little in Locus’ arms. “And we’ll… I don’t know I think there are supposed to be games. I think we’re supposed to stay up all night. Think you can manage that, zombie?”

“You’re the one who has trouble staying up late.”

Felix made a face. “Okay. Yeah. But. _Now_ I can’t sleep. So I am super prepared to not sleep for a whole night.”

“I think we should be more worried about you not sleeping.” Locus frowned, looking a little concerned. Felix booped his nose.

“I feel fine though. I mean I have really vivid nightmares when I fall asleep and _that_ sucks but I’ve made it through the day! I’m not tired. I’m not hungry though and she said these were gonna make me gain weight. Or they could. They made some people gain weight. But food feels like… like a _hassle_ right? Like it doesn’t even taste good…” Felix rolled his eyes.

“... you are _sure_ it’s antidepressants that she put you on, right?” Locus frowned more.

“Yeah. Dr Grey seems like she’d be a total ditz but she’s not she’s really sharp. She knows what she’s doing probably. I mean I guess if anyone does she would? She’s got a lot of official looking papers on her walls. Why?”

“The way you’re describing it sounds… like you’re on speed or something.” Locus scowled when Felix started to laugh.

“That’s dumb. I’m just weird today. I’m weird a lot of days. Less explosive but usually weird.” Felix waggled his eyebrows. “Being weird is my specialty.”

“I… suppose. I’m just used to the slowed down version lately.”

“When we move out and we have work and college and stuff in our way promise we can still have time? I know college is supposed to be stressful, but promise you’ll make time for me?” 

“I promise. I still need to study for finals, but I’m going to work on doing better at this. Really this time. I won’t… I won’t do this to you again.” 

“I’m trusting you. I’ll try not to get this emotional again. It was weird… And not the way I want to be. I’ll. I’ll settle. God we argue so much lately. I don’t want to be like that.” Felix huffed a heavy sigh. “Maybe we’ll get out of this place and we’ll get settled and it’ll be okay. We’ll be okay, right?”

“We’ll be okay. Right now is extremely stressful, but we’ll work it out and we’ll be okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I really have to make a note of this, people react to medication in so many different ways so I'm drawing on my experiences here, they can really likely be different for other people. Felix's reactions aren't exactly normal, but there's a reason for that too.


	29. Almost There

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Exams are wrapping up

Felix hadn’t really expected to be excited about prom. It was a party held by Charon how could it be anything but disappointing, right? But days slipped away and exams chipped away at Locus’ sanity and all Felix could think was that he was gonna slow dance with Locus like a goddamn fairy tale.

Well that wasn’t all Felix could think, Felix found he was thinking a lot of things lately and many of them were unpleasant. It was easier instead to think of slow dancing like a movie. It wasn’t entirely a movie because Felix wasn’t even sure if there _were_ popular people in Charon. There probably were and they were probably going to be prom king and queen if media had taught him anything but… that really didn’t interest Felix much. 

He liked the idea of looking fancy and getting Locus to dance at least a little. He had trouble picturing Locus dancing _much_. Slow dances maybe… It was a little fun to think about grinding against him to something with more energy but he was also pretty sure Locus would probably have a stroke if Felix tried it. 

“So as the official group couple do you have some sort of plan for going to prom?” Abbey leaned her chin in her hand and watched them. It was almost surreal how opposite Felix and Locus seemed at this point. Whereas Felix had found sudden boundless energy to the point of nervous ticks, Locus was about to fall asleep at the table.

“Besides going to prom? We got tuxes. I guess also it might be a miracle if Locus survives until then?” Felix poked Locus’ arm lightly making him jump. “One more exam, Locs. You’re almost there.”

Abbey giggled and shook her head. “Well I meant were you doing date things?”

Felix considered that and looked at Locus with a serious expression. “I could give you a blowjob in the bathroom? Does that count as date-like?”

Locus frowned at Felix for a long moment as Abbey mimed gagging. “Even you wouldn’t want to kneel in public bathrooms.”

“Oh yeah true… For one beautiful moment I forgot how gross they were.” Felix wrinkled his nose. “Though I’m not sure it would be the filthiest place I’d ever been on my knees.”

“ _Ew._ ” Abbey threw a grape tomato at Felix. “You’re so gross sometimes.” 

“I’m gross at all times. From the moment I was born. Thoroughly disgusting.” Felix flashed a grin, then realised he’d probably pushed it too far when Abbey looked uncomfortable. “I think our date plans are napping so Locus survives the night. To answer your question. Which may end up being after party plans going on how extra special zombie Locus is looking right now.”

Locus slowly wilted until he was resting his head on Felix’s shoulder, and Felix patted him gently. “It’s a multiple choice exam… I can make it.”

“You’re doing great babe, you got this.” Felix snickered a little.

“God I hope so--” Locus sat up and scowled as Zachary walked over to them.

“Seriously dude the clingy thing is--” Felix stopped, as Zachary wasn’t looking at him but at Locus.

He put his hand on Locus’ chest and leaned down to kiss him. There was a split second of frozen surprise then Locus recoiled and Felix jumped to his feet.

“There. Now you’ve both kissed me. You’re even.” Zachary had a satisfied smirk on his face, for at least half a second before Felix’s fist connected.

It was very unnerving to suddenly think nothing at all. One minute his mind was full of things, good and bad and noisy. The next there was only a white hot rage. He didn’t even hit Zachary in any of the reasonable spots on the face. His fist connected with Zachary’s jaw, almost his mouth, and that would have been so stupid. He knew better than that. 

Zachary stumbled back holding his face. “Ow! Jesus fuck!”

“You motherfucking son of a cunt I ought to tear your fucking eyes out! What the fuck is your fucking problem? You don’t fucking do that to people you complete piece of shit!” Felix pulled his arm back to throw another punch but Locus caught him.

Locus seemed to be shaking with rage too, but he held Felix’s arm firmly. “What exactly did you think you were doing?”

“Fuck.” Zachary hunched over, still covering his face with his hands. “Making it _even_. If you kissed me too it wouldn’t be a problem anymore?”

“That’s not how shit works, you complete-- jesus are you fucking brain damaged?” Felix was pretty sure he’d have thrown another punch if Locus wasn’t so much steadier than him. Even as his hand was starting to ache. Stupid.

“I might be _now_.” Zachary whined. “I thought I was fixing it…”

“You don’t fucking fix shit by fucking-- fucking attacking people. You don’t fucking kiss people without their permision you complete fucking _shit stick_!” Felix growled. “God I can’t believe you! I thought you were cool, I thought you were a friend, I thought you fucking understood how fucking consent worked!”

“I-- fuck. _Fuck_ I didn’t think of it that way.” Zachary hissed in pain and looked genuinely guilty.

“I think that you should go.” Locus spoke very slowly, his deep voice dangerously cold. “Now.”

“Yeah. Fuck. Sorry.” Zachary shifted on his feet for a moment then turned to leave.

“I can’t believe-- who the fuck does he-- what fucking space logic-- that fucking--” Felix stammered, too pissed to think straight. Locus was still holding him. It was probably good, Felix was tempted to chase Zachary down. It took a very long moment to get his thoughts in order enough to realise _Locus_ was shaking. “Shit. Shit are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” Locus said with a forced steadiness that made that statement a lie. “I’ve been kissed before.”

Felix turned in Locus’ grip to look up at him. “I could go tear him apart. He can’t fucking do that to you. I’ll beat his fucking face in. I’ll--”

“No.” Locus’ voice was firm and he squeezed Felix’s arm a little. “You aren’t going to do anymore hitting today.”

Felix let out a breath through his teeth and wiggled his fingers gently. “No one gets to do that shit to you. _No one_.”

“Felix.” Locus slowly breathed out and let go of Felix’s arm. “It can be okay if we let it not be a big deal. We can let that happen.”

Felix blinked and then nodded. “Okay. If you don’t want it to be a thing. It can just. Just not have happened. It can not happen if you don’t want it. Yeah.”

Locus nodded carefully then eased down into his chair. Felix took a deep breath and then slowly followed suit. His hand was really starting to hurt now.

“What are the steps we’re taking here?” Kaylee asked neutrally, her expression was blank but that could mean a lot of things. Often it meant rage.

“I would like it… if we pretended that did not happen.” Locus said with forced steadiness. “It didn’t happen and we can move on.”

“Okay.” Abbey nodded. “Okay.”

“What dresses are you girls wearing?” Locus asked evenly.

\---

“How’s your hand?” Locus was still working on keeping his nerves and his temper under control, even hours later, after school.

“What?” Felix’s voice was muffled as he tugged a sweater on. 

“Your hand. It’s turning purple.” Locus leaned an elbow on his desk and his chin in his hand.

Felix looked confused for a moment then looked at his hands. “Oh. Look at that.” The knuckles of his right hand were a painful looking purple-red colour. “I forgot I threw a bad punch…”

“It doesn’t hurt?” 

“Yeah I guess, I just kinda forgot about it though…” Felix poked the bruising and shrugged. “It doesn’t look like real serious damage. Might be sore for a few days.”

“The last time you hit someone you had… something of a crisis.” Locus’ brow furrowed with concern.

Felix considered that, shifting his weight from foot to foot. “Being a better person doesn’t mean shit if I let bad things happen to you. I wanna be better for you mostly… I’m not gonna let people hurt you.” Felix seemed oddly at ease with the idea, his expression serene despite the way he was fidgeting. “I’m already basically a dead end so if something bad needs to be done I can do it so you can be okay.”

That… didn’t seem entirely better than the crisis Felix had experienced last time. “Felix, you don’t have to do bad things for me. In fact I’d really rather you didn’t. _And_ you’re not a dead end.”

“No, no, like I’ve thought about it and it’s cool.” Felix shook his head. “I’ve accepted my dead end status, right? No hope no future business, it’s totally okay. And I mean one of us has to keep his hands clean in this operation so it’s definitely not gonna be me. I’m already dirty so I’m the perfect fit.”

The nonchalant way Felix was talking was making Locus… deeply uncomfortable. Felix finished changing into sweats and grabbed his gameboy off the dresser before flopping onto his bed.

“Felix, you aren’t dirty. I don’t want our relationship to be like that, that’s not a balance. We shouldn’t _need_ to do bad things. What happened with Zachary aside. Please stop dividing us as ‘good’ and ‘bad.’” Locus frowned deeply.

“Okay, I won’t do bad things we don’t need to do, but I won’t let people hurt you either. I mean the real world is supposed to be safer than here so it might not even be an issue, right?” Felix shrugged a little. “But you are the good one, I mean just look at what we’ve done. You really don’t belong here.”

“Do you want to know why I was sent here?” Locus sat up a bit straighter. “When I was 12 years old I hit a boy in my neighbourhood so many times he needed surgery. I was a child and he had started the fight, he’d hit a girl in my foster home so hard she had a concussion, so there were no official charges. But, still, I was sent here so I wouldn’t be a danger to most people anymore. You’re convinced I’ve never done anything like you, but I’m _not_ the good person you keep projecting onto me. I’ve done my own share of bad things.”

Felix sat up in his bed and tapped his foot lightly. “Okay. So neither of our hands are clean.”

“Exactly.” Locus sighed and ran a hand over his hair. “You’re not as doomed as you think you are just because you have done bad things. You don’t have to continue to do bad things just because of it.”

Felix considered that for a long moment then nodded. “I’m not feeling bad about punching Zachary, though. I _will_ defend you, that’s just gonna have to be a reality you gotta accept. People aren’t allowed to get away with that shit. They aren’t allowed to do things like that to you.”

“I… can agree to that. I will defend you, too. People don’t get to hurt you, either.”

“That’s fair enough.” Felix nodded. “That’s a relationship I guess. I got your back, you got mine?” 

“Something like that.” Locus smiled a little wryly. “Also if at some point you start heading towards crisis… let me know in the beginning.”

“Will do.” Felix saluted. “Don’t think I will though, some people just deserve to get hit.”

Silently Locus couldn’t help but agree with that, if Felix hadn’t hit Zachary Locus was pretty sure he would have instead.

\---

The end of his biology final was an otherworldly experience. Here, officially, Locus was finished with high school. There were ceremonies and parties left to attend, but the work was finished. _High school_ was finished. 

Of course there was college in his future, so there was more school work to come. The important work. The work he paid for the privilege of doing. But there was going to be a lot different about that. The major difference was not being in Charon.

He’d been in the school for six years. Aside from summers bounced around temporary living spaces, Locus had lived in this school for six years. His entire teenage life had been spent in the restricting and chaotic environment of Charon. He wasn’t sure what he was going to do when suddenly life gave him the freedom and option to do… almost anything. No one would be monitoring his room, no one would be restricting his diet, no one would lock him in at night. 

He could go out at night. He could… he didn’t even know what he would want to do at night, but he had the option. He could stay up late and still go out if he needed something. He could schedule his college courses for the afternoon and actually get a decent night’s sleep. He would choose what clothing he would wear to school.

That last part was a little intimidating, he owned mostly uniforms, a few pairs of jeans, a couple sweaters, and sarcastic t-shirts. He was going to get clothing. He was going to buy clothing he could wear _every day_.

He was beginning to understand why Felix wanted to burn their uniforms. He never had to wear it again and he never wanted to _look_ at it again. 

He opened the door of his room and a flurry of confetti flew into the air. “What.”

“Congratulations!” Felix beamed widely. “You made it!”

“I suppose I did.” Locus smiled softly and pulled Felix into a kiss. “We both did.”

Felix laughed against his mouth and threw his arms around Locus. “Mother fucking finished. Technically. I mean there’s a big party and a boring ceremony and it doesn’t count til we get the paper but. No more tests.”

“No more work.” Locus agreed with a laugh.

“I thought we should celebrate, _but_ considering you had about, what, four hours of sleep this week? I figure we watch movies until you inevitably fall asleep and save the celebration for tomorrow?” Felix tossed Locus some sweats to change into. “When we go get our tuxes for prom. We should get lunch and shit.”

“We should. We should go shopping, at least window shopping. I want to think about the future.” Locus changed quickly and pulled Felix in for another kiss. “We’re almost out of here.”

“So close.”


	30. I'd Do It All Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things come to an end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I put events in the Canadian order because it worked better for me sorry if it's weird...

Graduation was… boring as piss. It was an important ceremony, sure. Felix understood that, but a lot of important things were boring. Sitting on uncomfortable chairs for what was either about an hour or actually eternity, everything in alphabetical order, everything to routine, everything dry and humourless and annoying. 

The only thing that came close to a highlight was the fact that every student got to submit a quote to be read when they were called up on stage to shake hands and take the all powerful sheet of paper. Some students had wit, some students pretended to have wit and it was more embarrassing than anything… Locus had used a song lyric at basically the last moment. ‘I am the one thing in life I can control’. It was very Locus, for all he seemed embarrassed when it was read out. Felix clapped and yelled when Locus walked across the stage, though he was pretty sure it did nothing to ease Locus’ nerves. Being up on stage in front of this many people was the sort of thing Locus’ nightmares were made of.

Felix was not surprised, though a little disappointed that they’d changed his quote from ‘I survived, lick my taint world’ to simply ‘I survived’ which made him sound like a painfully boring person. He was tempted to flip off the crowd in retaliation but Locus’ family was in there somewhere and he didn’t want them disliking him. 

Walking off the stage he was directed to sit in another painful folding chair and watch all the L-Z kids get their diplomas too. He spied Locus sitting closer to the front with the Cs, he would have been hard to miss nearly a head taller than his peers. 

When finally the last person had been called and the last speech been given they were allowed to get up and mingle. Felix thought they were supposed to find their families and gush and take pictures and… be happy or something. Felix wasn’t really sure what he was supposed to do, he didn’t want to interrupt Locus if he wanted to have the bonding moment with the Cardinals. 

He figured he would just wait by the door or something. He didn’t expect someone to grab his arm as he moved through the crowd. He felt numb when he turned to face his mother.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” He asked in English, too startled to care about her preferred language. Why should he give a fuck about what she preferred? 

“To watch you graduate.” She spoke coldly in Mandarin and Felix wanted to wrench his arm free and run. 

This wasn’t supposed to happen. The plan was to never see her again. To never have anything to do with her again. She wasn’t supposed to come to fucking ceremonies, she never bothered to come to the hospital so she clearly didn’t care about keeping up appearances.

“ _Why?_ ” Felix spoke through his teeth, switching to Mandarin as he realised he wouldn’t want people around them understanding this conversation.

“Because you are finished school now. You are 18, and about to move into the world.” If the woman’s voice wasn’t so bitter Felix would have thought it the beginning of an inspirational speech. It would be deeply funny if she tried, but instead she continued. “You will find your own home from now on. You don’t have a room in mine. I’m not taking care of you anymore. You’re an adult and you can deal with the world like an adult. Don’t turn to me for help.”

Felix stared at her for a long moment and nearly laughed. Instead he made a choked noise and snarled, “I never had a room in your home, I had a closet. You’ve never taken care of me a single day in my entire life. I would rather burn your house down than step foot inside it. I don’t even want to be at your funeral. How-- how _dare_ you come here. This is supposed to be a day I can be happy. How _dare_ you. You withered fucking _monster_ \--”

Her hand across his face was not entirely surprising.

\---

The Cardinals found Locus fairly quickly, even as his peers aged and grew Locus stood tall against them. He was a little sore from sitting so long on a cheap plastic folding chair, but leaned down to return Alice’s hug. Ken clapped him on the back and Jennifer gave him a wide grin.

“Look at you! Look at all of this. We’re so proud of you!” Alice laughed and squeezed him before letting him stand up straight. 

“Congratulations.” Ken gave Locus a smile and a little shake. “This is a big step. You’ve become a fine young man.”

“Thank you all for coming. It… means a lot to me to have you here.” Locus smiled a little shyly and looked at them. They were all three of them so happy for him it felt a little overwhelming. 

“It means a lot that you wanted us here.” Jennifer nudged him a little. “This is a big moment in your life.”

“And it’s nice to attend _someone’s_ graduation in this family.” Alice grinned at her daughter and Jennifer groaned dramatically. “We’re proud of you, my boy. Melody and Tom would have been so happy. I’m sure Melody would have been crying for joy.”

“Thank you.” Locus ducked his head and flushed. He still wasn’t always sure how he was supposed to behave around family, but it was good to have them there.

“Isn’t that Felix over there?” Jennifer changed the subject with a curious crane of her neck. “I thought you said he didn’t talk to his parents?”

“Well they seem to be yelling, not talking.” Ken said dryly, though there was a note of apprehension in his tone.

Locus felt a jolt as he spun to see where they were looking just in time to see _that woman_ strike Felix.

“Oh. That answers a few things…” Locus barely heard Jennifer mumble as rushed across the room. 

The two of them were speaking Mandarin and Locus didn’t have to know how to speak it to know it was hateful. Felix’s face was red with rage and the beginnings of a bruise. Where one of her hands was clamped on Felix’s arm Locus took her by the wrist and pulled her away.

She jumped with surprise and stared at him.

“You weren’t invited, and I’m very sure you weren’t wanted here.” Locus kept his voice firm, though the temptation to yell was strong. He could hardly believe she’d have the audacity to come here. 

She looked between the two of them, face twisted with hatred, before she finally pulled her hand from Locus’ grip and said something sharp to Felix. Before he could reply she’d turned to go, though Felix shouted at her back.

“Felix?” Locus very gently put a hand on Felix’s shoulder.

“Fuck. _Fuck_. That fucking cunt.” Felix hissed between his teeth and bounced nervously. “Do you know-- do you _know_ what she came here for?”

Locus was becoming aware that his family had followed him but he shook his head, “Why was she here?”

“To let me know officially that I wasn’t allowed back. Can you believe her? Can you believe she thought I’d want to? She said-- I can’t believe-- ‘I’m not taking care of you anymore.’ Can you _believe_ that?” Felix stammered and rubbed the side of his face that was bruising. “She told me not to come to her for help. As if she’d ever done anything for me in my entire life. As if she-- who the fuck does she think she is?”

“I’m sorry.” Locus gently pulled Felix into a hug. “I’m sorry.”

Ken and Alice exchanged looks and Locus wasn’t sure what to make of that, but Felix was breathing hard trying to calm down and that was a priority.

“God this is gonna bruise, isn’t it?” Felix sighed against Locus’ chest. “Now I’m gonna have a bruise for all the prom pictures, huh?”

There was a slightly awkward moment as the Cardinals seemed unsure what they should do, then Jennifer offered gently. “We probably have time to find makeup to cover it up? I could show you how.”

Felix took a deep shaking breath and stood up straight, he seemed to grapple with his moods before forcing a smile. “That’d be cool. Though if I’m gonna wear makeup I wanna try eyeliner, too.”

\---

Felix looked pretty good in eyeliner, though the foundation and concealer that covered his bruising face also covered most of Felix’s freckles and that was a shame. Locus was quite fond of Felix’s freckles. 

Alice had taken a flurry of pictures of them in their tuxes, she took a lot of pictures of Locus, but also pictures of Felix and him together, and even just Felix. Locus wasn’t sure what Alice was feeling about what she’d seen at graduation. He wasn’t sure about any of them. They seemed to be avoiding talking about it, beyond Jennifer showing Felix how to cover the bruise, and even then she said she’d mostly learned it for covering up hickeys. 

The Cardinals’ main response seemed to be a sort of sympathetic acceptance. Felix was very obvious about not wanting to talk about it so they didn’t, but they knew about some of it. It was obvious, too, that it had changed the image they had of Felix. Just a little bit more delicate and a little bit more open. Before it became obvious why Felix wouldn’t get family support for anything Locus doubted Alice would have taken so much time on photos of Felix. She showed him a gentle sort of attention that previous visits none of them really had. Felix seemed to have become something more than Locus’ tagalong. 

They even drove the both of them to the hall where the dance was taking place.

“Thank you very much for doing this.” Locus smiled softly.

Alice waved him off. “Of course! We’re in town as is, of course we can give you a lift.”

“It’s still good of you.” Felix shrugged a little and grinned. “Thanks.”

They pulled up to the hall and got out, Alice held Locus back a moment. “I’ll give him back to you in a second.” She told Felix cheerfully and waved for him to continue on. Felix waited by the doors.

“What is it?” Locus’ brow furrowed uncertainly.

“Is. Is he safe?” Alice frowned a little. “You were worried as soon as we mentioned his mother. Is Felix safe?”

“He’s not going back. We’re moving in together and Felix intends never to see her again. He’s safe now.” Locus shrugged a little awkwardly, he didn’t like talking about things that weren’t his, and Felix’s life wasn’t his to share with other people.

Alice nodded thoughtfully. “You come to us if you need us. Don’t think you have to do it all alone.”

“Thank you…” Locus mumbled.

Ken clapped him on the back. “We have sixteen years to make up, we’ll be here.”

They both hugged him before letting him go to meet up with Felix.

“Everything all right?” Felix straightened up as Locus walked up to him. 

“Yeah… I think they’re concerned after… earlier. They wanted to let me know we could come to them for help…” Locus shrugged a little.

“Well that’s cool of them.” Felix looked a little thoughtful and hooked his arm in Locus’. “Sorry my mother made shit awkward. She has a talent for it.”

“I’m sorry you had to deal with her showing up today. Are you doing alright?” 

“Yeah. Plus I get to play with makeup now. Which always looked kinda neat. I was trying to decide if it made me too much of a stereotype, but I look fucking great in eyeliner so I don’t even care.” Felix laughed and shook his head. “We’re good. I mean shit it was a fucked up moment but she showed up to say she wants nothing to do with me, right? So that means I don’t gotta worry about her showing up anymore.”

“You _do_ look good in eyeliner. I like it better when I can see your freckles, though.” Locus smiled a little, it was good to see Felix laugh. “I’m glad you don’t have to worry about her anymore. We don’t need to have anything to do with her.”

Felix snorted and pulled Locus into a kiss as they walked into the hall. They got their picture taken by a photographer who seemed in no mood to be dealing with teenagers and looked around the main area to get idea where to go. There were tables to one side of the hall seemingly to get a chance to sit down and a wide dance floor. Abbey and Anthony were already there and waved them over to a table.

Abbey was wearing a bright pink princess style dress, fitted in the body and then flowing out in a burst of silk and puffy fabrics. This time Locus could tell she was wearing makeup with the slight shimmer on her cheeks and the bright pink lipstick popping out against her dark skin. Anthony wore a red tux with a black vest and yellow tie and it was possibly the most colourful thing Locus had ever seen Anthony voluntarily wear.

“You look very nice.” Locus told Abbey with a slight smile, earning a giggle in response. 

“You look nice too, Anthony, in case you were worrying.” Felix grinned, leaning into Locus.

“My mom talked me into the colours.” Anthony said, sounding a little forlorn.

Felix laughed, “Naw it works. You wear black to everything else, it’s good to mix it up.” 

“Ugh.” Anthony rolled his eyes and collapsed into his chair. “There’s going to be photographic evidence of this.”

Abbey giggled and leaned against a chair. “He’s pouting, but you know he’s secretly pleased he doesn’t look like everyone else.”

“Never conform.” Felix snickered, then jumped when Kaylee came up behind him and poked his cheek. 

“Are you wearing makeup?” She frowned thoughtfully. Unlike the princess style that Abbey and many of the other girls wore, Kaylee wore a very fitted lengthy dress with a slit up one leg, Locus couldn’t help but think it looked a little like Jessica Rabbit, though Kaylee wasn’t nearly so curvy.

“It looks good right? I should’ve started wearing eyeliner ages ago.” Felix smirked and struck a bit of a pose.

“If you wanted to get punched even more than you already did. It suits you, though. I kind of hate you if you don’t have to wear mascara.” Kaylee shook her head but moved to pull Abbey into a hug. “You look great.”

“Thank you, you do too.” Abbey beamed. “I don’t know how you got anyone to let you wear it.”

“It’s prom, fuck it.” Kaylee laughed. 

“So what’s the plan for the night?” Locus asked, reaching to rub the back of Felix’s neck gently.

“Well you owe me one dance at least and then I guess… mingle?” Felix shrugged. “Ugh I guess there are speeches? There are probably speeches.”

“At least the king and queen speech shit.” Kaylee nodded. 

“Gross.” Felix wrinkled his nose and looked up at Locus with a devious sort of look. “Maybe we can go make out somewhere for that.”

Locus gave him a skeptical look, but didn’t disagree with the plan entirely.

\---

There was a minor flaw in Felix’s very single-minded goal of getting a chance to dance with Locus, and it was that he’d never really slow danced before. He remembered something in gym class when he was a very little kid, and had watched it on movies plenty. It seemed pretty straightforward. Though straight might have been the key problem, he wasn’t sure if the etiquette of where to put the hands or ‘leading’ or anything like that was a gender thing or a height thing.

Locus seemed to know a little more what he was doing and slipped his hands into place, one taking Felix’s hand in his and the other settling at his waist, which left Felix to put his hand on Locus’ arm. Felix stepped on Locus’ foot twice before Locus stole a kiss to get his attention.

“Just go where I go.” The smile on Locus’ face was so sweet and open Felix was momentarily distracted, and ended up stepping on Locus again. 

“Sorry! Right. Right…” Felix blushed and ducked his head to hide his expression. 

Locus pulled Felix gently with his hands, able to move Felix easily around their little space on the dancefloor. A lot of people were dancing to the first slow song and there wasn’t a whole lot of room, but Felix wasn’t giving up the chance. This was the moment that prom was supposed to be about. Being close to Locus, moving with him as the music swelled. He wanted it to be something perfect like a movie. The music was some soft-pop nonsense that was big at the moment and Felix was pretty sure he’d forget it as soon as it stopped playing but Locus squeezed his waist a little and it worked. He got better as they went, with Locus’ guidance and Felix just getting the hang of how he was supposed to move. 

Slowly it started to feel like he imagined, and he leaned his head against Locus’ chest. He just took in the moment and the rush and the feel of the song even if the words were ridiculous. He thought probably he could do this for a long time, just be in Locus’ arms and feel him strong and sturdy against him. 

Something about it seemed extremely intimate, in its own way. A way different than sex or kissing, but a little like sitting on a bed together and watching movies. It was a quiet and deep sort of feeling, like things were okay, and going to be okay. The stress of the morning melted away, the fuss of getting everything together and figuring out cover up and standing for pictures for Locus’ grandmother… It all eased back into the past as he let Locus move him. He imagined he could hear Locus’ heartbeat, even though the music was so loud it was impossible. 

When the song ended it hurt a little, like he could pinpoint something important ending. That was the moment, the big thing. There was still a lot left to prom but this had been what he was looking forward to the most. Locus tilted his head up and looked at him with warm, sincere affection before pulling him into a slow kiss. 

\---

It took about an hour of mingling, dancing and general partying until Felix needed to find somewhere outside. There weren’t a lot of places to go, but there was a little picnic area out back. A few people had gathered around out there, getting air like him, or smoking. 

There was a string of lights over the tables in a kind of whimsical way that Felix appreciated. He still wasn’t a huge fan of the dark, and being able to get out and sit somewhere bright was exactly what he needed. He found a place at one of the tables rested his head in his arms. He wasn’t sleeping much lately, and it felt like he had the energy to keep up with it… but so much happening today he was beginning to feel it ache in his bones. 

There was a lot coming up starting tomorrow. Everything was over. Charon was over. He felt like he was a completely different person since he walked in 3 years ago. It was almost funny thinking back, all he could remember was anger and despair covered with fake energy and bright smiles. He was sure there had to be times then when he was happy, but compared to now he couldn’t remember anything. He’d been sick and weak and hopeless. He had an understanding of how he thought the world worked, and how it worked around him. He’d known he was nothing. 

He stretched out an arm and looked at the ring on his finger. He knew it looked like a wedding band, like Locus’ it might even technically be a wedding band, but he wasn’t ready for… _that_. Still, watching the light glint off of it he knew he mattered, maybe just to Locus, but that was okay. Whether that was a first step or not, Felix had no idea, but it gave him hope. It made him want to continue moving. That was the most important thing, probably. Locus had given him the strength to step forward, to decide he was worth something, that he deserved kindness.

No matter what came Felix had time with Locus, time to learn and grow and become something new. He couldn’t really love himself yet, but he loved Locus and trusted his judgement on most things. Locus loved him, so that… meant something about Felix. Maybe he couldn’t love himself, but he could be loved. That was big. 

He was lost in thought and didn’t notice Locus approaching until he was sitting at Felix’s side.

“Hey.” Locus’ voice was soft as he leaned forward on the table to get a look at Felix.

“Hey. Sorry… needed some air. It feels nice out here.” Felix smiled and turned his head to look up at Locus.

“It does…” Locus wrapped an arm around Felix’s shoulders and hugged him close.

“Charon sucked.” Felix sighed as he leaned close to Locus. “But I met you. I think that’s the most important thing that’s ever happened to me.”

“I know you’re the most important thing that’s ever happened to me.” Locus kissed Felix’s temple lightly making him laugh.

“I really do love you. You know? You piss me off sometimes, but you’re amazing. I wanna do everything with you.” Felix let himself relax against Locus’ body. “Everything that life has to offer after this… I wanna see it. I wanna go there with you.”

“You sound like you’re proposing.” Locus laughed softly, so Felix elbowed him.

“I’m not, I’m serious. I just… you made these past few years survivable… I wanna see what we can do.” Felix intertwined his fingers with Locus and sighed. “I think it’ll be amazing. I think we’ll be able to do some great stuff. I wanna live through the future with you.”

Locus squeezed his hand a little and nodded. “I think we have a lot to look forward to. I think if we keep working at this it can be great. I love you, and I plan on loving you for a long time. I’m excited about what kind of lives we get to make together.”

“Real lives. Choices and freedoms and the real world.” Felix laughed. “It’s gonna be great.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who has been on this journey with me. I have never in my life taken on a project like this, I'm amazed I managed to see it through. Every step of the way has been made easier by each of your comments. I'm constantly blown away by how kind and interested you all have been. Thank you for reading, I'm so extremely grateful for every one of you! Thank you!


End file.
